Status: a continual Work in progress
The Real Story
"Broken Heart" Filed Under: Apologies
September 30th 1:32 pm (EST)
It had been 30 days since the last time I had talked to him. 30 days since the last time I saw him. 30 days since the last time I smelled him, felt him, tasted him. It had been 30 days since I felt like I was worth something. It had been 30 days since this hallow feeling started to take over.
I never thought we’d brake up like this.
I never thought I would have felt this empty without him.
I never thought I’d feel this lonely.
I never thought this was going to be how bad it is.
4:30 pm (PST)
There was a knock at the door. I had to fight to get up and answer it. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I eventually forced every aching cell to work together and bring me to the source of the knocking.
There he was. Hands full of loving forget me nots. Flowers, movies, candy, all my favorites. There was something else in his hand. A Letter. If there was one thing I admired most, it was his undeniable talent for expressing otherwise impossibly incoherent thoughts into beautiful phrases.
“Hey…”
He began weakly…
“I wanted to drop by and apologize for everything I’ve done to you over the last 2 and ½ years that we ‘dated’. I was really fucked up and horribly unfair to you…”
He trailed off a bit to catch himself, noticing the painful tears I held back.
“…I know I’ve said this before- I know, but Baby, this time it’s different. I have so much to explain, but if you don’t want to hear it, I wrote it all down for you. Just promise me you’ll read it. Please Baby, I’m sorry I hurt you. I really do want this to work. Just please read the letter.”
He couldn’t handle staying and left everything on my desk. I was in shock. I didn't know how to accept what had just happened. He broke my heart more by coming than when he pulled all of his antics before. I don’t know who this person is. I thought maybe this letter of his would tell me.
Pete’s Letter:
Dear Baby,
I’m sure I’m the last person that you would want to talk to right now. I understand that I've severely and possibly irrevocably screwed up. I’m so sorry for that. To begin to explain myself I’m going to have to go back to when we started this.
When I was in the middle of the divorce from Ashlee, I was feeling helpless and isolated. I was losing it all. I lost my wife, my son, I wasn't part of my band anymore, I wasn't happy, or myself anymore. I just wanted to hide away. You gave me that, you gave me a place to hide. That is what I found so appealing and so amazing about you. You are professional at hiding away in places that no one can see you. I am in no way, shape, or form blaming you for this behavior. None of this is your fault. With the newly found ability to hide from everyone, I found myself relapsing. I was back to my old vices of taking too many pills and sleeping my days away in a terrible haze. I was falling back into old habits, I was doing some terrible things to myself and lashed out at you with the consequences. It wasn't fair of me. It was brutal, tyrannical, and awful of me to subject you to that.
I really do want this to work out between us. You’re the only one who sees through my shit and tells me to man up. You’re the only one who has forced me to see the reasons to get out of bed in the morning, you made me realize how I have to look at what I have and make the best of everything. You made me see my son. You made me see you and I don’t ever want to unsee this. I want to start over with you and rebuild us. I was not me during the last 2 years but I want to restart so you can see me. I want you to be okay, I want to make you be okay. I want to spend my life with you and making up for all of the stupid, immature, unfair things I did to you.
I’m so sorry I did all of this to you. I’m so sorry I was so caught up in my despair that I ignored you and your needs. I love you and I want to make this work. I want to make this better.
Please Forgive me,
Pete
It had been 30 days since the last time I had talked to him. 30 days since the last time I saw him. 30 days since the last time I smelled him, felt him, tasted him. It had been 30 days since I felt like I was worth something. It had been 30 days since this hallow feeling started to take over.
I never thought we’d brake up like this.
I never thought I would have felt this empty without him.
I never thought I’d feel this lonely.
I never thought this was going to be how bad it is.
4:30 pm (PST)
There was a knock at the door. I had to fight to get up and answer it. I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I eventually forced every aching cell to work together and bring me to the source of the knocking.
There he was. Hands full of loving forget me nots. Flowers, movies, candy, all my favorites. There was something else in his hand. A Letter. If there was one thing I admired most, it was his undeniable talent for expressing otherwise impossibly incoherent thoughts into beautiful phrases.
“Hey…”
He began weakly…
“I wanted to drop by and apologize for everything I’ve done to you over the last 2 and ½ years that we ‘dated’. I was really fucked up and horribly unfair to you…”
He trailed off a bit to catch himself, noticing the painful tears I held back.
“…I know I’ve said this before- I know, but Baby, this time it’s different. I have so much to explain, but if you don’t want to hear it, I wrote it all down for you. Just promise me you’ll read it. Please Baby, I’m sorry I hurt you. I really do want this to work. Just please read the letter.”
He couldn’t handle staying and left everything on my desk. I was in shock. I didn't know how to accept what had just happened. He broke my heart more by coming than when he pulled all of his antics before. I don’t know who this person is. I thought maybe this letter of his would tell me.
Pete’s Letter:
Dear Baby,
I’m sure I’m the last person that you would want to talk to right now. I understand that I've severely and possibly irrevocably screwed up. I’m so sorry for that. To begin to explain myself I’m going to have to go back to when we started this.
When I was in the middle of the divorce from Ashlee, I was feeling helpless and isolated. I was losing it all. I lost my wife, my son, I wasn't part of my band anymore, I wasn't happy, or myself anymore. I just wanted to hide away. You gave me that, you gave me a place to hide. That is what I found so appealing and so amazing about you. You are professional at hiding away in places that no one can see you. I am in no way, shape, or form blaming you for this behavior. None of this is your fault. With the newly found ability to hide from everyone, I found myself relapsing. I was back to my old vices of taking too many pills and sleeping my days away in a terrible haze. I was falling back into old habits, I was doing some terrible things to myself and lashed out at you with the consequences. It wasn't fair of me. It was brutal, tyrannical, and awful of me to subject you to that.
I really do want this to work out between us. You’re the only one who sees through my shit and tells me to man up. You’re the only one who has forced me to see the reasons to get out of bed in the morning, you made me realize how I have to look at what I have and make the best of everything. You made me see my son. You made me see you and I don’t ever want to unsee this. I want to start over with you and rebuild us. I was not me during the last 2 years but I want to restart so you can see me. I want you to be okay, I want to make you be okay. I want to spend my life with you and making up for all of the stupid, immature, unfair things I did to you.
I’m so sorry I did all of this to you. I’m so sorry I was so caught up in my despair that I ignored you and your needs. I love you and I want to make this work. I want to make this better.
Please Forgive me,
Pete