Summer Has Come and Passed

Stirring awake with a heavy weight on my chest was not how I planned on waking up this morning. There were plenty of other ways I could imagine waking up this early morning. However, a sick feeling was glued to the bottom of my stomach.

I’d try going right back to sleep if I could seeing as though last night I tossed and turned. But the sickening feeling this morning kept me from doing so. Who would have thought that two days ago it was my birthday and all its festivities and laughter and fun? Now I was faced with a tough reality today.

I was underneath my blanket, it covered half my face, as my cheek was glued to my pillow. Where I wanted to stay forever more. I had wished so many times last night that I could turn back hands of time making it the 1st day of summer again. I shoved my blanket away from me, sitting upright when my mother walked slowly into my room. I folded my legs underneath me as she sat herself on my bed placing her hand on mine.

"Sweetheart," she said. "You can’t' stay in your room all day or year round."

“I can try.” I responded. The idea of hiding out in my room under my covers didn't sound too shabby.

“Honey, is this not what you wanted?” She asked, rubbing circles on my knuckles.

An odd lump began to form in the back of my throat as I clutched onto her hand tight. "It is but, things change."

"Answer this question then," She said. "Do you want to still do this?”

 "I don't know anymore." I said.

"No then?" She asked.

"Yes."

"Then yes?"

"No," I answered."I don't know anymore."

God, I can't even respond to a question. I just wanted to crawl back under my blanket, maybe even my bed, and die. Things were just spiraling out of control and I couldn't do anything about it except just helplessly watch the chaos.

“I think you do know,” She said, patting my hand. “I think you’re pretty aware of what you wanna do, sweetheart.”

I wish my mother wouldn't say things like that.

"I'm afraid." I admitted with a mutter, hanging my head low.

"Why?" she asked lifting my face up by my chin. "Of what?"

I gnawed on my bottom lip and then the inside of my cheek. If I didn't stop soon I'd end up eating my face from the inside out.“Because,” I blurted out. “It’s not gonna be the same.”

I probably made no sense to my mother. I was barely making sense to myself. My thoughts were all jumbled up in one big mess. Like a file that had gone unorganized for years.

“Change can be a good thing, sweetie,” she said softly, smoothing out the sides of my hair. “It can be for the better.”

"How."

She sighed, and then gave a small smile as she pushed a loose strand from my face. “You figure that out for yourself.”

“That’s not helpful at all.” I said.

She chuckled softly. "I can only help so much."

"Can I get some time to just think to myself?" I asked after a moment.

She nodded placing a kiss on my forehead leaving from my bedroom closing the door behind her, allowing me to sit still in my state of thinking.



 

I sat on the grass of my front yard, absentmindedly pulling strands from the ground, watching the cars go by. Somehow the cars reminded me of myself, how time was whizzing by so fast. I wrapped my arms around my knees as I pulled them up to my chest, resting my chin on my knee, the light breeze swirling my loose strands of hair.

My head whipped to the side when I saw Billie cruising closer to me on his skateboard. He came to a stop once he reached the edge of my lawn and jogged over to me. I stood to my feet, dusting the grass from my shorts.

I was pulled closer to Billie by my wrist as he wrapped his arms around me, kissing me on my forehead when he pulled back.

“Hey,” He smiled. I almost smiled back myself, but then that sick feeling creeped itself back into my stomach. “So—what’s up?”

“Why didn’t you take your car here?” I blurted out, I hadn’t intentionally meant to change the subject, it just came out.

“Helpin’ the environment,” He laughed, and then rested his hands behind his head, “No gas.”

I mouthed an 'Oh' as he took my hand and began to walk us down the sidewalk leading away from my home.

"So, what’s up--”

I pulled myself back along with taking my hand from his gentle grasp. I saw him stand still before turning himself around with a questionable look spread on his face.

Instead of my hand I placed a small letter in his hand.

 "What's this?" He chuckled, glancing at the letter in his hand then once at me.

I motioned with my head for him to read it.

He shook his head at me, smiling; I bit down on my lower lip as I watched his eyes scan over the paper in his hands. I had never had an anxiety attack. But this nauseous, and heart stopping feeling fear I felt from just watching him read felt like it.

His  eyebrows furrowed as he stopped his eyes from scanning the letter and he clutched it firm in his hand. I could feel my throat begin to form into a large and painful lump.

Now I wanted to die.

Now I wish I was anywhere but here.

Now I wish I hadn't given him the letter.

Now I wish he'd say something.

“What is this, V?” He asked finally. His voice harsh, harsher than I've ever heard before.

And here I was, standing there silently, still, as I felt myself slowly begin to break down.

“What is this?” He asked again, more firm, this time demanding an answer.

“It’s an acceptance letter.” I answered softly.

“From where.” he said, his hand slightly shaking, the letter still in his hand. He knew exactly from where, it said so in the letter. He just wanted me to say it. He wanted the bitter words from my own mouth.

I couldn't.

“Billie--”

“From where, Vienna.”

“Billie,” I pleaded. With the remaining might I still had in myself, I swallowed down another lump which was forming.“You told me that I should do somethin’ with my life and not waste my talents and--”

“Don’t feed me that bullshit, V!” He shouted. “I said you should go to college, but not to go to college all the fucking way in goddamn New York!”

 He shook the letter in his hand viciously. “New York,” He said slowly. “New York, Vienna?”

“Billie, it’s a great school and it--”

“How long did you know?” He interrupted.

“What?”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “You heard what I said—How long did you fucking have this acceptance letter,” He spat. “How long were you keeping this from me?”

“Not long,” I admitted. I was almost tempted to reach out and touch him, but I was struck with the thought that he might just hit me. I let my arms fall at my sides. "I swear."

He scoffed. “Oh that’s reassuring.” he said rolling his eyes.

“BeeJ--”

“How long did you fucking know, Vienna?” He asked angrily. His face was starting to redden and the vein in his forehead protruding viciously.

I sucked in a large heap of breath before finally speaking. “Since the beginning of the summer.”

He tossed his arms up. “The beginning of summer?” He shouted, the veins in his neck now more visible than ever. “You knew this whole fuckin’ time and you didn’t tell me.”

“I wasn’t even thinking about going until a while ago!” I cried out.

The look that Billie was giving me was of pure disgust and utter betrayal.

“I’m sorry.” I choked out, wrapping my arms around myself as I tried to keep from just crumbling.

“You’re sorry?” He asked incredulously. “What were you gonna do, V, wait til you left and just send me a fuckin’ postcard.” He seethed, crumpling up the letter tossing it on the ground.

“I wanted to tell you.” You never know how strong you really are till you have to fight yourself to keep your tears at bay. And right now I was in a full blown knockout drag-down brawl. Just seconds away from losing.

“But you didn’t,” He retorted. “Did you.”

He pushed past me to gather his skateboard from my lawn.

“Billie, please just--”

He put his hand up, shutting down my pleading. “Save it,” He said. “Just—save it, ok.”

He moved past me, this time not knocking into my shoulder, as if he was disgusted to touch me. He stopped and turned to look at me, his skateboard tucked under his arm. From where I was standing I could see the carving of my name underneath his board.

“Y’know,” He stated as he advanced towards me. “I kept my promise. I would’ve never left you. Ever.”

That's when the wall finally broke. That's when I couldn't swallow down the tears anymore, or, fight to keep em from rolling. Just the mere tone of Billie's voice.

The...the pain in his voice was just too much. And to know that I caused was unbearable.

I let my head hang low as my tears began to finally flow. No chance in hell of them stopping. Through my tears I could see Billie as he walked away from me.



 

With my fingers curled around the handle of the duffel bag placed in my hand. I began taking the steps to my mom's car. She gingerly pulled the duffle from me and stuffed it in the trunk along with my other belongings. She rubbed my back whispering to me that I could just go on and sit in the car.

I shuffled my tired body and stuffed myself in the car, resting my head against the window, exhausted from crying all last night. A small lump began forming in the back of my throat and I fought against it to keep it down. My breath becoming increasingly uneven.

My mother soon slid into the drivers’ seat, starting up the car. And slowly began pulling away from our house. I looked in the rear view mirror, hoping for some sort of miracle that Billie would be there.

But, he wasn’t. He was nowhere around here. I closed my eyes as that reality hit--hard. The lull of the soft song playing on the radio, as silent tears leaked from my eyes. And the excruciating process of my heart breaking, began.