Falling Out

I sat on a beach towel next to Tre and watched my little brothers play in the gulf. I pushed my sunglasses up because they had managed to slip. Everyone was by the water except for Tre and I. I knew that Tre didn’t want me to be alone and I started to feel guilty for holding him back.

“Tre, you know you don’t have to sit with me, right?” He looked at me.

“I know.”

“You should go help Franktio with his sand castle.” He smiled at me.

“If you insist.” He got up and walked over to his son. I smiled as he “accidentally” stepped on a tower that Frankito was building.

After a few moments of people watching I all of a sudden felt something hit the back of my head, knocking my sunglasses off. I immediately had a flashback of a moment where Carol had took one of her books and hit me upside the head with it. I started to panic and go inside myself as more flashbacks consumed me.

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Hey, you okay?” The person knelt in front of me. I started to hyperventilate.

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay. Look at me,” I looked at the person. He was a boy, about my age, with the most mesmerizing green eyes I have ever seen.

“Just breathe in through your nose and out your mouth.” He demonstrated. I did what he told me to do. After a few deep breaths, I had managed to calm down. My cheeks began to heat up. I felt so embarrassed.

“Are you alright?” He asked. I nodded.

“I’m sorry. I suck at throwing the Frisbee.” He picked up the orange Frisbee off the white sand. He smiled at me and extended his hand.

“I’m Donovan.” He introduced. I just looked at his hand, wondering if I should shake it. It’s just a hand. But I don’t know what that hand has done. He looks like a nice person but so did Jim and Carol.

He brought his hand back. I looked up at him.

“I’m sorry. I’m just-”

“It’s cool. Some people are germaphobes, I get it.” I nodded, going with his assessment.

“I’m Amber.” I said once I realized that I didn’t tell him my name. He smiled.

“That’s a pretty name. Care if I sit next to you?” I shook my head. He sat next to me. Why did I just let this random guy sit next to me? I don’t know who he is or what he has done with his life. For all I know he could be a teenage serial killer or could have a fetish for amputee legs and was sizing me up to see if my legs would do for him. And wasn’t he throwing the Frisbee with someone?

“What about your friend?” I asked.

“What friend?” I gave him an odd look.

“The one who you were throwing the Frisbee with...” He looked behind him and shrugged.

“He’ll get over it. And he’s my cousin so it’s whatever.” He looked at me, straight into my eyes. Like really looked at me. It was weird. I never really had anyone look at me like this. I couldn’t describe it. But his eyes, I found, were comforting to look at. Even so, I started to feel a little uneasy at what my eyes were revealing about me. I looked away and put my sunglasses on. Even though it felt like forever, it was really only a few seconds.

“So, where are you from?” He asked. I didn’t know if I should tell him. But I didn’t want to be rude. Plus, it was a little unusual for someone to pay attention to me like this.

“California.”

“Really? That’s where I’m from. I’m from Berkeley, where do you live?”

“Same.” He smiled.

“That’s crazy. Do you go to BHS?”

“BHS?”

“Berkley High School.”

“Oh, um, I guess I will be. I am originally from Sacramento.” He nodded.

“That’s crazy how small of a world this is. I mean, two Californians from the same area in Alabama. This is where my mom’s family lives. Do you have family here?” I looked at the people who were my blood as they played in the water. I guess, technically speaking, there are my family but I’ve always considered myself family-less.

“Technically speaking, yes.” I said. Why was I revealing this much to this total stranger? He probably recognized who I am from the tabloids that still are printing about me. I tried to stay inside as much as possible but I still had doctor checkups to make sure everything was healing properly. He probably wants to get close to me so he can meet Green Day.

“Technically, huh?” I just nodded.

“Interesting.” I didn’t respond. He could be someone with the paparazzi and just phishing for information. He could be a paparazzo in training.

“Donovan! What the fuck, man? Stop flirting and come on!” I turned my head and saw a boy who was holding a bag.

“Chill, John. I’m coming.” Donovan looked at me.

“Do you have a cell phone?” I nodded and pulled it out. He grabbed it and started entering something.

“Look, I am leaving to go back to Cali in a few days and we usually have like this BBQ on the beach with no adults. There won’t be alcohol or anything like that. I know I kind of abused you with the Frisbee but I am hoping you can come and let me make it up to you.” He handed my phone back.

“You have my number now. I know we just met and this might come off as creepy, and I totally understand if you don’t want to come because you don’t know me but just think about it. You can bring your technical family if you want.” He stood up which gave me a better view of his bare chest.

“Where are you staying at?” He asked.

“The Turquoise Place.” I said before I could talk myself out of admitting. He gave out a whistle.

“Fancy. Text me with your number and I’ll give you the details.” I didn’t say anything. He smiled at me, this time showing off his pearly whites.

“It was nice meeting you. Sorry for assaulting your head with a Frisbee.”

“It’s fine.” He saluted before walking away. I watched him until he was out of sight. I turned my attention to my phone and stared at the new number in my phone. What just happened?

“Were you just talking to a boy?” Adrienne asked as she sat next to me. I looked at her, still a little flabbergasted by the past ten minutes.

“Yes.” She smiled at me.

“Is he from here?” She asked, still smiling big. I shook my head.

“No, he’s from Berkeley. You don’t think that’s weird, that he’s from the same town as me and is vacationing at the same place as me?” She shook her head.

“Nah, people come here from all over. I saw a Delaware license plate earlier where we park at.”

“You don’t think he’s like paparazzi or anything.” She shook her head.

“You don’t have to be paranoid that every person you meet is a leech.” I nodded and looked at my phone; at his number. I knew what she said was true but I still couldn’t shake how random this meeting was.

When it started to get later in the day, the boys started complaining about being hot so we packed up our things and walked the short walk to the condo. After I had taken a shower and gotten comfortable clothes on, I lied down on the bed and stared at Donovan’s name in my phone. I started to get a little nervous. No boy has ever talked to me much less given me their number. I didn’t know how to talk to boys that well or even regular people.

I took a deep breath. It was just text messaging. It wasn’t like I was talking to him face to face.

Hey, this is Amber...from the beach. I hit send before I could talk myself out of it. I sat up and crossed my legs. I just stared at my phone. After a few moments, there was still no answer. I sighed and sat it down. I knew he wouldn’t text me back. He probably already forgot about me.

I got up and walked into the living room. Joey and Jakob were watching TV with Billie. I walked over to a stool and sat at the counter. Adrienne was making her a sandwich.

“Want one?” She asked. I nodded. She started making me one.

“Um, I know this is kind of last minute but Billie, Mike, Brittney and I are going out to eat and get drinks tonight. Tre doesn’t feel like going and had offered to watch the kids. They are all staying over at Tre’s tonight. Do you mind helping him tonight? Not that we don’t trust Tre but, well, three young kids is hard to watch. He has an extra bedroom for you to stay in.” She sat the sandwich in front of me.

“But you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can stay here if you want.” Billie said behind me. I knew they needed some time alone but if I agree to this that would be the third new place that I would stay at. I knew Tre would never do anything but that notion that he, or any other adult, possibly could will never leave me. I looked up at Adrienne. She tried to hide her desperation for alone time but her eyes were screaming at me to say yes. She needed this. She needed some grown up time with her husband and friends.

“I’ll stay over there.” She smiled at me. I felt my stomach drop. I grabbed my plate and got up, going into the room I was staying in. I wasn’t hungry anymore but I didn’t want to not eat after she made me my sandwich. I sat the plate down on the nightstand and checked my phone. Still no text message. I sighed and sat it back down. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I grabbed the beach bag that Adrienne bought me and packed some clothes for overnight. I was glad that I took a shower so I wouldn’t feel as awkward over there. I sat on the bed and tried to calm my breathing. I was freaking out. I hated going to new places where I was vulnerable. I hated that I was feeling like this. If there was anyone on this planet that I could trust, it was Tre. He was nice to me when that first night and has always tried to make me smile. He even gave me a hug that didn’t make me feel too uncomfortable.

But what if this is him grooming me? What if he was trying to gain my trust and then take it all away like Jim did? I was already damaged goods, what would stop him to make me even more damaged? I was already disgusting and slept with my uncle that might make me fair game in his head.

I shook my head. No. Tre would never do that. He was a nice man. He enjoys my company because he is my friend, not because he wants to have sex with me. I was over thinking this. It was just an overnight at his condo with three hyped up kids. I needed to calm down.

I got up and went into the bathroom. I opened a drawer and saw the orange bottle. I picked it up and took two pills out. I stared at them before putting them in my mouth dry swallowing them. I walked out and sat on the bed. I looked at my phone again. No answer. I started to feel a little bit of anger. I lied on the bed and just stared at the ceiling as the pills kicked in. I started to feel hungry so I grabbed the sandwich and ate it. When I was done I walked into the kitchen and washed the plate. When I was done with that Billie walked up to me.

“I know Adrienne didn’t mean to come off as...strong as she did. You don’t have to go to Tre’s if you don’t feel comfortable to.”

“It’s fine. I understand. You guys need a break and me helping Tre watch the kids will make me feel like I am contributing so I won’t feel like such a freeloader.” I said honestly. That’s the only problem with these pills, they made me word vomit. Billie shook his head.

“I wish you would realize that you are not a burden or freeloading, Amber. You don’t have to earn your keep like you might have with Jim and Carol. I am happy to give you whatever you want.” I nodded. Billie patted my back, which made me stiffen, before walking away. I walked over to my brothers and sat down beside them. Jakob smiled at me. I wrapped an arm around him and he snuggled closer to me. I was much closer to Jakob than Joey. I don’t know if it’s because he was younger or the fact that he was the same age I was when my mother died.

“Are you coming with us to Uncle Tre’s?” Joey asked.

“Yep.” He rolled his eyes.

“Great.” He stated sarcastically. I raised an eyebrow.

“Why do you say it like that?” He didn’t say anything. I don’t know what it was. It could have been these pills or that I was still a little angry at Donovan for not texting back or Adrienne pressuring me into watching these kids tonight at Tre’s but either way I started to get angry with this kid and, well, I started to confront him.

“Why did you say it like that, Joey? I haven’t done anything to you.” He looked at me.

“You being here is making Mom and Dad fight more and I didn’t ask for a sister!” He yelled. I looked at him in confusion. They weren’t fighting, were they?

“Shut up, Joey! Don’t yell at Amber!” Jakob defended me.

“They aren’t fighting.” I said. He rolled his eyes.

“My room is next to theirs. They are always arguing about you and if they keep doing that they are going to get a divorce. I wish you weren’t even here.” He said.

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” Jakob got up and ran to Billie.

“Joey is being mean to Amber. He’s telling her that it’s her fault that you two are getting a divorce.” Jakob answered.

“What? We aren’t getting a divorce.” Billie looked at us.

“You know what,” I got up, “I wish I wasn’t here either, Joey. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask to be here. I would rather be with my mom than here. But no, we don’t get what we want even if you are a spoiled kid with rich parents.” I turned around and looked at Billie.

“I’m going to Tre’s early. I just can’t-” I stopped myself. I started to feel tears falling. I walked into the room and grabbed my bag and phone. I walked back into the bathroom and put the orange bottle in my bag. When I walked out I heard Billie chastising Joey.

“-and do not talk to your sister like that. She is older than you and you have to respect her. And your mother and I are not getting a divorce. And-” I closed the door, cutting off the rest of the conversation. I got on the elevator and went to the next floor where Tre’s condo was.

*

“You can’t take what he says seriously, Amber. He’s just a kid,” Tre said to me on his balcony. We were sitting on his comfortable beach-like chairs with cushions. When I had gotten here I had put my clothes in the room I would be staying in and took another pill. Once it had kicked in I went out on the balcony and just stared out at the beach. I was filled with so much calmness that I didn’t move for a solid ten minutes. That was when Tre came out with a couple of sodas.

“I know but...are they arguing?” I asked. He shrugged.

“They have always argued way before you got here.” I wanted to nod but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt like it took too much energy to do it.

“Amber...” I looked at Tre. He was shaking his head.

“What?”

“You’re loaded again, aren’t you?” I didn’t say anything. There was really no point in me doing so.

“Amber, you can’t keep doing this.” I looked at him.

“For my whole life I have been told what to do. Amber, clean your room. Amber, stop crying. Amber, stop screaming. Amber, suck my dick.” I laughed a little, shaking my head.

“This is what I want to do. I am in control, well, halfway in control. This makes me feel better. I am not addicted. Just leave me with this, please. Just give me this, Tre. When I run out I won’t do it anymore.” He just looked at me with his arms were folded.

“How are you taking them?” I was confused by his question.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you snorting them or just swallowing them?”

“Swallowing. How can you snort them?” I asked, playing dumb. I knew I could get away with this because I am so naïve in his and everyone’s eyes. He smiled a little with amusement. Good, he bought it.

“No way, don’t worry about it. How many are you taking?”

“Two. That’s it.” Yeah, I lied. But I was being threatened.

“Are you doing it often?”

“No. This is only the second time since the first time that you saw me. Well, second and a half. When I was flying I took one but that was to calm my nerves, you know?” He nodded. We were silent for a few minutes.

“I need you to promise me that you will be careful. This shit is no joke. I’ve seen too many people fall into this and never come back. Just be careful.”

“I will.” The sliding door opened and Frankito came out.

“Daddy, there is a knock at the door. I didn’t answer it because you told me to never answer the door.” Tre laughed a little as he got up.

“Good boy. I’ll be there in a sec.” Frankito shut the door.

“That’s Billie. He might want to come and talk to you. Do you want him to?” I shrugged.

“I’ll tell him that you don’t want to talk. You look so fucked up right now.” He walked inside. If I could feel anything right now I would be feeling guilt. I have put Tre in a compromising position and he’s been nothing but nice to me. I heard a ding. I looked down at my phone and saw the number one and a picture of an envelope. I opened my messages and saw that Donovan had texted me back.

Hey, sorry for taking forever to text you back. Lil’ cousins hid my phone when I told them they couldn’t play on it. What’s up? I read it again. I didn’t know what to write back and I didn’t feel like texting anyone anyway. I just wrote back that I was busy right now and will text him later. He replied with a simple okay. I looked out at the view. The sun was almost gone but the sky was still a light purple. I loved sitting on the balcony every night to watch the sunset. It was different every time.

The door opened and Tre walked out.

“It took a lot of convincing for him not to come out here.” I looked at Tre.

“I’m sorry.” He sat down.

“Don’t worry about it. So, is pizza okay or do you want something else?” I shrugged.

“Pizza is fine.” He nodded before getting back up to order the pizza. As the night went on, the pills wore off which made me tired. Joey didn’t speak to me at all the whole night, which was fine with me. Once the kids were asleep in Frankito’s room, I said goodnight to Tre and fell into a nightmare of sleep.

Jim never shut the door. I never knew why. It never made sense to me, especially in this moment.

“What is going on?” Jim jumped off of me. My stomach dropped. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Carol, it’s not what you think. She seduced me!” Jim yelled. I didn’t bother to deny it. She wouldn’t believe me. Carol stared at him for a solid minute before turning her gaze to me. I knew this wasn’t going to end well. Her eyes were filled with so much anger that they looked red. She ran towards me and grabbed me by the hair and forced me to get up, halfway naked. My head cracked against the desk before I fell to the ground, blood dropping on the carpet.

“You fucking whore!” She screamed as she kicked me in the ribs, me feeling the crack. Jim didn’t do anything. She grabbed my hair again and started dragging me. I couldn’t help but cry out

“Amber, Amber wake up!” I shot up, breathing hard. I instantly grabbed onto Tre and hugged him tightly, tears falling.

“Thank you, thank you for waking me up.” I cried. I was glad he woke me up before the bad part. We stayed like that for what felt like hours.

“Let’s lay down.” We did. Tre wrapped his arms around me tightly and I let him. It was comforting to have him here.

“Don’t leave, please. Don’t leave me. I can’t go back to sleep, back to the nightmare.” Tre started to rub my back.

“I won’t. Just relax, okay?” I nodded. He rested his chin on the top of my head. I knew if someone walked in on this they would get the wrong idea and frankly I didn’t care. Tre was the only person who I felt I could trust to not hurt me.

Soon, I found myself falling into a dreamless sleep.