Falling Out

I stared at the last three pills I had. They were just innocent impacted chemicals that didn't ask to be abused. But they were. I sighed and took them. I grabbed my bag and walked downstairs to the kitchen where everyone was eating breakfast. I started going through my head to try and figure out how I would come up with the cash to get more. I actually had managed save $45 and Billie should be giving me my allowance this morning. I could buy at least forty pills with that and that will last me five days. I started to freak out then. I won’t have any money after that for gas or lunch money for the rest of the two weeks. I’ll just have to go without. I won’t go as often as I do this next two weeks. I needed them. I needed them bad. I then remember that Billie had left me $50 for food last week when they went to New Orleans for two days. I started to feel a little bit better. More pills.

“Amber?” I looked up at Billie. I had zoned out.

“Yeah?” He smiled.

“Did you hear what I said?” I shook my head.

“I want to meet your friends. I think it’s time, don’t you?” I looked Adrienne. She nodded in agreement.

“Um, didn’t Adrienne tell you that one of my friends is obsessed with you?” He laughed.

“I can handle it, trust me.” I ran my hand through my hair.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Not really.” I sighed in annoyance.

“They are going to hate me because I lied to them all this time. Especially Felicia.” Adrienne patted my back.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time over there and we think it’s time to meet them. We’ll make it fun. We’ll have a cook out and invite Mike and Tre and they’ll play them a song.” I shook my head. I can’t believe they are doing this to me. Do they care that these are my only friends and that they will hate me forever if they find out this huge secret?

“Whatever. When do you want to do it?” I asked them.

“Tonight around six. It’s supposed to be a cool Friday night so I thought that it would be a good night. Adrienne and I will go shopping while you are at school.” I sighed again and leaned back in my chair, not wanting to eat anything. I knew this was going to happen. I knew that they would eventually want to meet them sooner or later. I really wished it was later. Way, way later.

“That’s kind of last minute. I don’t know if they have plans or not,” I said, hoping that this will sway their want to meet them. Billie shrugged.

“I’m pretty sure they will be eager to meet your parents and see where you live.” I sighed. Felicia has been hounding me lately about seeing where I live. I looked at Billie. He had this smug look on his face, knowing that he was right. I wanted to punch him then.

“Fine.” I got up and so did Billie. He pulled out his wallet and gave me my allowance. I pocketed the money.

“Thank you,” I told him before walking out. I pulled my phone out when I got into my car and dialed Tyler’s number. On the third ring, he answered.

“I knew you would be calling me soon but not this early.”

“I have $195. I need however many pills that can buy me.” I heard rummaging in the background.

“That’ll probably be about...60 pills give or take a couple.” I bit my lip.

“That’s it? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I run out.” I bet he was smirking now.

“Not my problem. But like I said to you before, there are many ways to pay off a debt. Tell me your locker combination.” I did.

“They’ll be in there by lunch. Make sure you leave the money in a place where Derrick can find them. He’s pretty slow so make it obvious.” He hung up. I threw my phone on the passenger seat and drove to school. I walked to my locker and put the money under a text book. I grabbed my math book and sat on the floor by my first period class. A few minutes later Donovan and Felicia appeared. Donovan sat next to me and grabbed my hand.

“How are you this morning?” He asked with the lopsided smile. I smiled at him. Ever since last Friday and my crying fest that was induced by that terrible nightmare, he has asked me how I was all the time. Usually I find that annoying but not when he does it. He does it because he genuinely wants to know, not because he’s nosy like some people who are in their mid thirties. Even before I go to bed he calls me and tells me goodnight. He’s too sweet. I don’t deserve him.

“I’m fine. Well, I’m iffy.” He gave me a confused look.

“Why, what’s up?” I sighed and took my hand out of his.

“My father and step-mother wants to meet you guys. Mostly my father. He wants to know who I am hanging out with lately.”

“I began to wonder if you even had parents because you don’t complain about them or talk about them,” Felicia piped up as she walked up. Donovan rolled his eyes at his sister.

“Felicia, shut up.” He turned to me. “I can’t wait to meet your family. Why are you so iffy about us meeting them?” I just shrugged, not wanting to answer. I was really nervous about them meeting them. Especially Felicia. She will hate me forever because I lied to her.

“When does he want to meet us?” Donovan asked.

“Tonight. But if that’s too soon or last minute, I totally understand.”

“That’s not too soon. It’s not like we do anything fun on a Friday night. Well, besides smoke pot but we do that everyday.” Felicia rambled. Donovan ignored her.

“I don’t have plans tonight so that’s cool.” The bell rang and we went inside. I stayed silent the whole day and mealy willed the clock to slow down. That didn’t happen. During fourth period I asked for the hall pass and went to my locker. I opened it and a note fell out. I bent down to pick the note up and read it.

63 pills. Next time give me a heads up. See you in a few days ;)

I crumpled up the letter. I grabbed the bag of pills and put them in my bag.

The rest of the school day went too fast for my liking. Before I knew it the last bell was ringing and I was standing by my car with Donovan in front of me. I wrote down my address and handed it to him.

“It should start about six.” He took the paper and put it in his pocket.

“Do I have to dress fancy?” I snorted. He was too cute.

“No, just come in what you got on or if you want you can change. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to come in your Sunday best.” He brought his hand up to my face. I leaned into this hand, finding comfort in it. I hope he won’t be mad at me. I really don’t. He caressed my cheek before pulling away.

“Alright. I’ll see you tonight.” He kissed my hand before walking away. It made me feel even more guilty. I took three and drove to the house and saw Mike and Tre’s vehicles already there. I got out and quickly ran to my room before anyone could notice. I locked the door and went to my closet. I grabbed a piece of luggage that I hadn’t used since Alabama and put the pills in there. It was my hiding spot. I searched through my clothes and decided on a plain purple long sleeve shirt and some black skinny jeans.

I went to the bathroom and set my clothes on the counter. I slowly took my shirt off, wincing in pain. I turned around and looked at my back in the mirror. The cuts were healing from a few days before but there were some that were fresh that I did last night. I stared at them. They looked like someone took a bull whip to my back.

I sighed and took the rest of my clothes off and got into the shower. While I was in there I was thinking how tonight was going to be one of the worst nights of my life. Not only will they find out who my father is but they will know that I have been lying to them this whole time and they will know about my mother and that something bad had happened to me, even though I think Donovan figured that one out when he held me as I cried from a nightmare. Even so, they will want more answers from me, answers that I don’t want to give. Answers that I don’t feel comfortable to give them.

I got dressed and put my hair in a bun. I walked down stairs with my phone in hand. Tre was sitting on the couch watching TV. I sat next to him.

“How’s it going? It seems like forever since I’ve seen or heard from you.” There were reasons why I was avoiding Tre. He could usually tell that I was high and I didn’t want him to blow my cover. But I feel like I’ve gotten it under control enough to act somewhat normal and not look like I am loaded, kind of like now.

“Just been busy with school.” He scanned my face for a few seconds. I began to panic that he might know that I was on them now but he didn’t and if he did he didn’t let on that he knew. He put his hands behind his head and his feet on the coffee table.

“Yeah. I figured. It’s cool. I’ve actually been busy myself. Claudia is suing me for not paying child support, which is total bullshit. She just wants more out of me because I am making more money. She’s so fucking aggravating.” I patted his elbow because it was closer.

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks. I think I might stay single for the rest of my life. At least Lisea isn’t going bonkers with wanting more money. Never have kids.” I frowned. By the look on Tre’s face he realized what he had said. He turned to me.

“I’m sorry. That was stupid of me to say. I meant to say never have kids with crazy people.” He hit himself upside the head.

“Foot enter mouth. Just ignore what I say from now on.” I laughed.

“It’s okay. It just caught me off guard. I knew what you meant by it.” He assumed back to his position with his feet on the coffee table and hands behind his head.

“So Adrienne told us that we have to sing a song for your friends. What song do you want to hear?” I shrugged.

“If they stay I’m going to let them choose.”

“What does that mean?”

“My friend Felicia is literally obsessed with you guys. She knows all your birthday’s, children’s names and their birthdays and just everything about you guys. She’s going to hate me when she finds out that I have been lying to her this whole time. I just know it.”

“If she’s really your friend she’ll get it. And if she doesn’t, bribe her. Appeal to her Green Day fan side.” I playfully shoved Tre. He just laughed.

“I hate to say it but it’s one of the many prices of being famous. You have to be really careful who your friends are and if they can handle something as big as this. Don’t let it stress you out too much, hun.” I nodded. I looked down at my phone and felt like I was going to throw up because I got so nervous. It was 5:30.

“I’m going to wait for them outside and tell them before hand so they won’t be as shocked.”

“Good luck.” I got up and walked outside. I sat on the steps that lead to the front door and waited. I tried going over what I wanted to say to them and how I was going to say it. When I saw Donovan’s car pull up it all disappeared. He got out and looked up at the big house before him. He looked really nice in khaki jeans, blue graphic shirt, and a black jean jacket. Felicia got out with her mouth literally open and I was surprised to see Chuck was there too. I guess I shouldn’t since him and Felicia are dating.

I got up and walked over to them, my heart beating fast. My stomach was fluttering with a thousand bumble bees and I couldn’t help but shake a little.

“Wow. I didn’t know you were rich.” Felicia said when I walked up to them. Donovan glared at her. She was wearing a Green Day shirt. This is going to be so bad.

“I have to tell you something before we go inside. Please don’t be mad at me.” They all looked at me with so much confusion. I took a deep breath. One more. Okay, another one.

“Are you okay?” Donovan asked. I shook my head. I felt like I was going to cry.

“I’m just going to say it and please don’t hate me when I do.”

“Spit it out, Amber. You are making me nervous.” You have no clue how I feel, Felecia.

“Okay. There is really no easy way to say this so I’m just going to blurt it out. My father is a musician that you all know. He’s Billie Joe Armstrong.” It was silent for a few moments before Felicia burst out laughing.

“Shut up. Stop lying to us.” I looked at Donovan. He was silent.

“You’re not lying to us,” he said. I shook my head. I looked at Felicia. She glared at me before turning around and started walking down the driveway.

“Felicia, wait.” I went after her. She was about halfway down before she stopped. She turned around and had tears in her angry eyes.

“Are you fucking serious? You made me look like a fool! I made myself look like a fool! You kept asking questions about them and you made me look ridiculous. I flaunted my love for Green Day all around and I bet you were fucking laughing at me with your dear old dad. Oh, my God.” Her hand went to her mouth. Her eyes were full of shock.

“I called you a whore and your mom a bitch. I can’t believe I did that.”

“Felicia, I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you. I thought it was better that way because I wanted you to like me for me and not who my father was. I asked you those questions because you know more about them than I do. I didn’t know how to ask them those questions so I asked you. Believe me when I say that you weren’t being made fun of by me. You helped me so much to understand these people. Can you please forgive me?” She shook her head.

“No, I don’t think I can.” Bribe her, Tre said. Here I go.

“What if I told you what happened to me and why I came here?” She was silent as she was thinking over it. She crossed her arms.

“Fine. And tell me why you were at the clinic too.” I took a breath. I wasn’t going to tell her everything. I was going to lie a little. More lies.

“You can’t tell anyone. Please.” She nodded, looking straight in my eyes it caught me off guard.

“I was at the clinic for birth control because my doctor recommended it. My periods are so out of whack because of my weight.” I literally pulled that out of my ass. I had no clue where that came from. She continued to stare at me, waiting for me to continue.

“Billie found out about me because I was in the hospital. I almost died at the hands of my aunt and uncle.” I started to tear up. It felt weird telling her this. It was the first time that I really told someone what had happened to me. Her eyes grew big. She uncrossed her arms and wrapped them around me. I let her.

“I’m so sorry, Amber. I really am. I shouldn’t have made you tell me.” She pulled away.

“Please don’t tell anyone. Not even Donovan or Chuck. I can’t have anyone know.” She nodded and rubbed my arm.

“I won’t, I promise.” I nodded and wiped my eyes.

“I’m sorry for lying to you.” She nodded.

“I understand.” I heard footsteps behind me. Felicia looked past me and smiled.

“Are you two okay?” I turned to face Donovan. He gave me his half smile.

“We’re fine.” Felicia looked down at her shirt and groaned. “Oh, my God. I’m wearing a Green Day shirt! How much of a dillweed can I be? And I don’t have anything else to change into.” Chuck walked up at that time. He took off his hoodie and handed it to Felicia. She smiled at him and put it on.

“Are you we staying?” Donovan asked Felicia. She looked at me and nodded. She grabbed Chuck’s hand.

“Yes. I can’t believe I am about to meet Green Day. Will you catch me if I faint?” Chuck laughed as we began walking.

“Of course I will.” Donovan didn’t grab my hand like I wanted him to. He really didn’t look at me.

“Are you mad at me?” He shook his head.

“I’m just confused. I wish you would have told me.”

“I couldn’t. I was actually ashamed.” He grabbed my hand then and laced his fingers with mine.

“Okay. We’ll talk more about it later.” We walked up the steps and I opened the door. I looked at Felicia and noticed that she was about as green as her hair.

“It’s okay, I promise.” Right when I closed the door. Tre jumped out.

“Boo!” He yelled, making us all jump and Chuck curse. Tre started to practically cackle.

“You’re such a jerk.” I told him as I punched his shoulder. It took him a while to stop laughing.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.” He turned to my friends who looked scared out of their mind. He walked over to Felicia and grabbed her hand, kissing it.

“You must be Felicia.” She nodded. Tre didn’t let go of her hand. He was such a funny jerk.

“I love your hair. I kind of miss my green hair.” I looked at him oddly.

“When did you have green hair?”

“Dookie through Nimrod era,” Felicia chimed in. Tre smiled at her.

“You are so amazing,” he told her. She smiled, her cheeks flaming from the rush of blood.

“Come on, kiddos, the food is in the back.” Tre lead us to the backyard. Adrienne came up to us when she spotted us. She gave Donovan a hug.

“Nice to see you again, Donovan. You must be Felicia.” She gave her a hug. When she pulled away she glared at her brother. He just shrugged her off.

“You must be Chuck.” She gave him a hug. She was a very huggy person. Right then Billie and Mike walked over. I looked at Felicia to make sure she wasn’t about to pass out. They introduced themselves and shook their hands. It didn’t go unnoticed by Billie that Donovan was holding my hand. He literally stared at our hands for a few seconds. It made both Donovan and I a little uneasy.

“The food will be ready shortly. Amber, why don’t you show them around the house,” Billie suggested. I nodded and we walked back inside.

“I have to sit down for a few seconds.” Felicia sat down at the kitchen table and rubbed her temples.

“I can’t believe I just met Green Day. I can’t believe it.” Chuck sat next to her and rubbed her back. Felicia looked at Donovan.

“What did Adrienne mean when she said it was nice seeing you again?” Donovan ran his free hand through his hair.

“Well, that night when Amber came over in Alabama. I had to meet her step mom and I met Adrienne. I knew she looked familiar but I couldn’t put my finger on it.” Felicia rolled her eyes.

“Leave it to you for not noticing who she was. We could have done this a long time ago.” Donovan rolled his eyes. When Felicia was stable to walk I showed them around the house. When we got to the basement she nearly fainted when she saw Billie’s iconic Blue. She stood there for at least 5 minutes examining the guitar without touching it. When she was done fangirling we walked upstairs to my room, which Felicia scoffed at.

“Really? This is your room? It’s so plain and not what I expected. We need to get this room looking more lived in.” She walked over to my desk and picked up the butterfly box. I quickly grabbed it from her. She gave me an odd look. I didn’t realize that I literally snatched the box out of her hand.

“No, that was my mothers. Sorry.” She nodded and understood. Donovan cleared his throat.

“I need to speak to Amber alone, guys.” Felicia gave him a look.

“What are we supposed to do?” Donovan shrugged.

“Go downstairs and hang out with Green Day.” Felicia’s eyes widened.

“You’re right, I can do that.” She grabbed Chuck’s hands and they left. Donovan closed the door. I sat on my bed and started getting this nervous feeling at the pit of my stomach. This wasn’t going to be a good conversation. Donovan walked over and sat next to me.

“It makes a lot more since now. Why you said what you said during lunch when Felicia brought out the magazine.” I didn’t anything.

“Your mom died?” I nodded. I looked down at my clasped hands that were resting in my lap.

“How old were you?”

“Seven. She died from breast cancer.” He grabbed my hand, tearing them apart from each other. I looked up at him.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through that.” I didn’t know why I did it. Maybe it was because he was the best person I have ever been around or maybe because he was just sweet. Maybe I had more feelings for him than I anticipated. But either way, when he leaned in to kiss me I didn’t pull away. It was soft and gentle. It wasn’t forced or sloppy. I could feel something when our lips touched. When he pulled away he leaned his forehead against mine and smiled.

“That’s wasn’t so bad, right?” I smiled at him and leaned in to kiss him again. This time I ran my fingers through his soft hair and he placed his hand my waist. Our mouths part as I got closer to him.

“Hey-whoa!” Donovan pulled away fast. I turned and saw Tre standing at the door with a big, goofy smile on his face.

“I’m sorry to interrupt because God only knows how much I hate to do that but the food is ready.”

“Okay, we’ll be down in a sex-sec,” I stammered out. Tre burst out laughing before walking away. I looked at Donovan. I didn’t know what to say. This was a whole different ball game for me.

“I think we should go downstairs.” He got up and grabbed my hand. Before we walked out of my room Donovan gave me a quick kiss. It made me smile.

When we walked outside Felicia walked up to us sans Chuck’s hoodie.

“Your brothers are so cute. Especially Jakob. I just wanted to squeeze those cheeks so hard.”

“What happened to your hoodie?” Donovan asked.

“It was Chuck’s hoodie and Tre told me to take it off because he knew what was underneath it and he said, and I quote, ‘I want to see my green haired vixen with my band’s shirt on.’ He’s so amazing.” I laughed.

“Tre is so ridiculous,” I said after I was done laughing.

“If he wasn’t 17 years older than me I would totally say see ya later to Chuck and jump his bones. I am not ashamed to say that either.” Donovan rolled his eyes at his sister.

“It’s amazing how we are twins and totally different. You are too bizarre.” Felicia shrugged her shoulders. We walked over to the table and sat down. The rest of night went smoothly. After we ate dessert we walked down to the basement where they played a couple of songs for us. Felicia requested ‘Longview’ and I requested ‘Minority’. I really wanted to hear ‘She’ but I thought I would start crying if I heard that. Shortly after those songs, the night started coming to an end and everyone started to leave. I walked Donovan and the gang out to his and Felicia’s car. Before he got in he wrapped his arms me and smiled.

“I had an amazing time tonight. Thank you for letting up meet your family.” I nodded.

“Thank you for not leaving or hating me.” Donovan looked straight into my eyes.

“I could never hate you.” He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips. It was one of those kisses that nearly took my breath away. He pulled away and kissed me on my forehead. Before he got into his car, he took his jean jacket off and handed it to me.

“To remember me by,” he said dramatically. I laughed and took his jacket. He winked at me before getting into his car and driving off. I put his jacket on, which was way too big for me but I didn’t care because it smelled like him. When the red lights from the back of his car disappeared I walked back inside with a big smile on my face.

“Are you two together now?” Adrienne asked when I walked into the kitchen. I sat down and shrugged.

“I don’t know.” She leaned across the counter.

“Just to let you know Billie was totally spying on you two out there,” she whispered. I don’t know why but I found it funny.

“Do you think he liked him?” I asked her. She nodded.

“Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. But just to warn you, he’s probably going to ask you to give him all your friend’s cell phone numbers for just in case. Don’t be mad at him when he does.”

“I won’t.” A few minutes later Billie entered. He had changed into pajamas. He walked over to Adrienne and kissed her cheek. He looked at me, well more like at Donovan’s jacket I was wearing. He smiled.

“Uh oh, he gave you his jacket. That means you two are going steady.” Adrienne rolled her eyes.

“Again with the word steady.” Billie laughed and rested his chin on Adrienne’s shoulder. It was weird seeing them all love dovey like this. I felt like I did on that first day and was intruding on them. I got up.

“Well, I’m going to bed.” I was about to leave.

“Amber?” I turned to look at Billie.

“Can you text me your friend’s numbers? For just in case. I don’t want to spy on you or them or anything. I just want them when I can’t get a hold of you.” I nodded.

“Okay. I’ll do it tomorrow.” I waved before I walked out of the kitchen. I started towards my room.

“Amber?” I heard someone call out. I looked around and noticed it came out of Jakob’s room. His door was cracked. I opened his door.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. He sat up. He looked so tired.

“I think Felicia is cool. She told me that I was cool. Am I cool?” I covered my mouth to try and muffle my laugh. His eyes were still closed but he was sort of alert.

“Yes. You are cool. Go back to bed.” He nodded before falling back down. I closed his door and walked to my room. As I was taking off my clothes I caught myself in the full sized mirror on my wall. I walked over to it and looked at my body. My stomach was scarred. My thighs were scarred. I looked at my arms and frowned. There was barely white skin on them anymore. Just scar tissue. I turned around and stared at my new canvas: my back. What’s wrong with me?

My phone started to ring which made me jump. I walked over to it and smiled when I saw Donovan’s name on it.

“Hello?”

“Hey. What are you doing?” He asked. I walked over to my dresser and grabbed some pajamas.

“Getting my pajama’s on.” I bit my lip. Great, now he’s envisioning me naked. I didn’t even like myself naked.

“Nice.” I rolled my eyes.

“Hold on.” I sat my phone down and put my pajama’s on. I grabbed his jacket, my phone, and lied down on the bed. I turned my lamp off and got comfortable.

“Okay, I’m back. What are you doing?”

“Just thinking about tonight and I how I finally got a kiss from you.” I snickered.

“Well, don’t expect anything else. No copped feels or even sex.” He laughed.

“I know, I know.” We were silent.

“So, Billie said that if a guy gives his jacket that means they are going steady.” Donovan laughed hard at that.

“He really used steady?” I chortled.

“Yeah. He’s weird.”

“So, are we?” He asked a few moments of silence.

“Are we what?”

“Going steady?” I smiled.

“Do you want to go steady with me? I have a lot of baggage.”

“I can handle it.” He said it with so much assurance. So much gusto. He believed he could handle everything with all his mite. It made me feel safe. Completely safe, which is something that I have only felt with my mother. Even though I believed he could handle everything about me I’m still going to keep everything that happened in the past, in the past. He’s not going to know.

“Alright. I can myspace official this!” He said in mock excitement.

“What’s myspace?” He gasped.

“You poor, poor thing. I have a lot to teach you.” I snuggled up closer to his jacket and inhaled his scent, listening to Donovan talk.