Falling Out

I sat on the Alabama beach watching the water swipe the sand from under my feet. The sky was overcast with dark clouds but the sun was out only it didn’t shine. It made everything look saturated. It was like the sun didn’t have any light to give; it was just...there, taking up space in the sky all the while doing nothing.

I looked down and noticed I was wearing a red dress. It was sleeveless and came just above my knees. It was made out of torn lace and tool. But the shocking part wasn’t that I was wearing a dress, it was that I didn’t have any scars. My skin was clear. All traces of my past, gone. I didn’t know what it meant but I was happy. Maybe it all didn’t happen? Maybe my past didn’t happen! Maybe my mom was alive!

My smile grew when I felt someone grab my hand. I knew it was Donovan because he loved holding my hand. Or it could have been my mom! But when I looked up my smile fell and my stomach dissipated. My body flooded with so much fear that it literally paralyzed me.

“He doesn’t love you,” Jim uttered softly; his face was so close to mine. The familiarity of the stench of his breath made me hold my breath. Stale cigarettes and coffee.

I tried to take my hand away but I couldn’t. It was like he cemented them together and if I tried to pull my hand away, my skin would slowly tear with it. Melted and glued. I wanted to take it away. I wanted to get away.

“You will always be mine,” he whispered. His breath hit me again. I heard thunder clapping behind me. I turned my head and saw Donovan there with a look of disgust on his face and my mother dead at his feet. She had all my cuts all over her body. Donovan was holding a bloody knife. Tears started running down my face. I touched my face and my fingers were coated with blood. I looked back at Donovan.

“You are vile,” he spat out. “I hate you.”

My eyes flew open and I instantly sat up. I wiped my forehead of the cold sweat. I didn’t have time to think about anything because before I knew it I found myself on my knees and in my closet. It was habit. I unzipped my luggage and my heart fell into my stomach. I started to cry.

I was out. They were all gone.

I didn’t have any more money. What was I supposed to do?

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. I quickly shoved my luggage back in and closed my closet door. I wiped my face before opening the door. Billie was there.

“Hey, you okay?” I nodded. He frowned.

“Another nightmare?” I nodded, going with it. It wasn’t a total lie. That nightmare was still haunting me even after I woken up. I didn’t understand it and I definitely don’t mind that that I didn’t.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to make sure you were up for school. You have about an hour.” He smiled before walking away. Ever since we had that dinner party with my friends he’s been talking to me a lot and giving me wake up calls. It was weird and I felt like he was smothering me and I hated being smothered. It almost felt like he was constantly watching me and I had no clue why he’d want to. I closed the door and started pacing my room. I pushed the thoughts of Billie on the back burner and started thinking about the current crisis that I am in. I was out. As I was pacing, my hand was shaking. I needed them so bad. I needed to forget.

I could ask for more money from Billie saying that it’s for school. But then he’d want to know what it was for and maybe want to see the product.

I looked at Mom’s records. They could go for some money if I pawn them.

I shook my head. How ridiculous am I? I can’t sell Mom’s stuff. I quickly squandered that idea.

Tyler told me that they were many ways to pay off his merchandise. I knew what he meant. Sexual favors.

I sat down on my bed and started to feel disgusted with myself because I actually started to consider it. Why would I even do that? I’m with Donovan. He’s my boyfriend. I can’t cheat on him. I won’t.

But I needed them so bad.

I got up and went to my butterfly box. I opened it, grabbed the silver and took my pajama pants off. I sat on the bed and before I thought about it I sliced my inner thigh. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced. And sliced.

I dropped my blade on the ground and started to feel so much better. I looked down at the cuts and they started to bubble. I grabbed my pajama pants from the ground and put them over my cuts before they spilled over on the floor. I sat there holding pressure on my leg. I looked down at the red tinged razor, blanking out and thinking of nothing. My trance was interrupted by another knock on the door. I saw that my door wasn’t locked. Holy crap.

“I’m not decent!” I yelled. Please don’t open the door. Please don’t open the door.

“You know you only have twenty minutes to get to school, right?” Billie said through the door. Damn it.

“Okay.” I was definitely going to be late and I didn’t have time to take a shower to clean off the blood. I quickly put everything up and hiding my pajama pants in the luggage. I looked at my inner thigh and saw that it was still bleeding. I started crying then. What was I going to do? I don’t have any bandages big enough to cover them. How am I going to make it stop?

I grabbed my black skinny jeans, a black shirt and put them on. I put my hair up in a bun and noticed that I had blood on my hands. I grabbed my bag and tried to gather my composure. I needed to calm down and not look so frantic or there will be questions. And I hated questions more than anything. I walked into the bathroom and washed my hands. I ran downstairs and almost fell onto Billie.

“Don’t speed.” I walked past him and went to my car. When I turned it on I noticed that I was nearly on empty. I was on the brink of tears again because I didn’t have any money. If this is how my morning is going I wonder how the rest of the day will go. I got out and walked back inside. Billie looked at me funny.

“You are going to be way late.”

“I know but I noticed that I was on empty and I was wondering if you can give me some money?” Billie didn’t ask any questions. He pulled out his wallet and gave me $20. Just enough to fill my car.

“Thank you.” I walked out and got into my car and drove to school, deciding to get gas on the way back to the house after detention. My phone kept going off as I went 5 miles over the speed limit but I ignored it. So much was going on this morning that it was hard for me concentrate and I didn’t need to get even more distracted by texting and driving.

I pulled up to the school and sighed. I don’t know how I will survive this. I just have to.

I got out and walked into empty school. Well, empty hallway. I grabbed my books that I needed and took a deep breath before walking in. Sure enough, everyone looked at me.

“Miss Benson. You are ten minutes late.” I didn’t say anything. If I said something I probably would burst into a full fledge sob. I must have looked like I would burst into tears at any moment because Mr. Altman nodded his head towards my seat. With my head down low I walked to my seat by Donovan. I didn’t want to see Tyler’s expression.

“Are you okay?” Donovan whispered. I shook my head. He didn’t press forward. When the class ended Donovan started asking questions.

“What happened? Did you and Billie have a fight? Did you and Adrienne have a fight?”

“No.” I answered as I gathered my things. I was slowly getting annoyed.

“Why were you late?” I was tired of him asking me questions.

“I just had a bad morning. Stop grilling me and lay off.” I might have said it a little too loudly. Everyone stared at us, even Mr. Altman. I turned around and quickly walked out. I hated their stares. I was one of the first people in my second period class, which shocked Mrs. Parnes. I was late to her class quite a few times so me being on time was probably a miracle to her. Tyler walked in with a smile. I turned away, not wanting to look at him. He sat in front of me and turned to face me.

“Ran out?” He said lowly.

“Shut up.”

“Look, come by my house after school and we can work something out.” I shook my head.

“No. I’m with Donovan and I’m not going to have sex with you.” He shrugged.

“Alright, have fun mutilating yourself. From what I’ve read about it doesn’t last long. Not like the oxy I’ve been giving you. You need it. I’ve got it. Just remember.” He got up and went to his rightful seat. I couldn’t concentrate in class because I started to feel sick to my stomach. I ran my hands over my thigh and saw that blood was seeping through the fabric. Fast. I rubbed my hand against my pants trying to get rid of the blood. At this moment I really wanted to go to the house. I didn’t want to be here at this stupid school. I hated it here. I hated being asked questions by my over-worried boyfriend; I hated the stares that everyone gave me constantly; and I simply hated Tyler.

A class later I found myself sitting at our normal table in the cafeteria without a tray of food in front of me. But that was normal because I usually didn’t eat at school because the food was disgusting. Donovan slowly walked over to the table and set his tray down. After a few minutes of silence I noticed that it was just us. Which was unusual.

“Where’s everyone at?” I asked. He put his apple in front of me. I couldn’t eat right now.

“They are eating outside. Felicia said we needed to talk but I really don’t want to talk to you right now.” I looked down.

“I’m sorry that I snapped at you. I woke up late and it made me frantic. I’m sorry.” He faced me, grabbed both of my hands.

“I understand but you didn’t have to yell at me especially in front of everyone. I’m sorry for pestering you but I’m just concerned. You acted this way a few weeks ago and when you were really sick. Then you calmed down and now you are like that again. It just makes me wonder what’s going on with you. I don’t like seeing the people I care for in crappy moods. I’m just concerned about you, Amber, that’s all.” I shook my head.

“Don’t be. I’m just having trouble transitioning from my old life to my new life. At my old school I was completely invisible. This school I have a boyfriend, friends, and teachers who are too annoyingly attentive to me. It’s a culture shock, that’s it.” He brought my hands up and kissed them. He then leaned in and kissed me.

“Okay, if you say so. Eat your apple.” I smiled and took a bite of the apple.

The rest of the day wandered but eventually came to an end.

“Come over after detention?” Donovan asked in front of our first period class. I shook my head.

“Not today. I’m going to go home and sleep because I had a restless night last night.” He leaned in and kissed me. He understood.

“Okay. See you tomorrow. I’ll call you later.” He walked off. When he turned the corner, I sighed and walked into Mr. Altman’s class. Only one more day of this shit. I sat in my spot in the back and pulled out my homework. Might as well make this hour productive.

I hadn’t told Billie that I got detention because he’d surely not take it well. He thinks that I’ve been going over to Donovan’s apartment after school, which I have been...just not at the time he suspects. If he asks why I was home so early I will tell him that I was sick. Easy as that.

Mr. Altman sat at his desk and graded papers. I don’t understand him. Why would he want to spend a whole week giving detention to one person? I guess he has no life. The first half of detention was the best because there was no talking and I was content with that. Unfortunately, Mr. Altman squandered that when he decided to open his stupid mouth.

“You okay today, Amber?” Why do people think by asking me that question that I will give them a straight answer? Or a truthful one at that? Don’t people know that when asked that question everyone lies?

“Yes, Mr. Altman, I am, as you put it, okay.” He smirked.

“Being sarcastic?” I looked up then and set my pencil down. Sure, I’ll bite.

“Did you get a degree in psychology? You ask a lot of questions for a math teacher about my feelings and how I am doing every day.” He was really annoying.

“Look, I’m just going to warn you. I know who your father is, he’s told me to keep an eye on you. If you keep being sarcastic and short with people like you’ve been with me and your friends I will tell him that something is up with you.” I gave out a breathy laugh.

“Why are you so concerned for me? Do you have an attraction to girls my age or girls like me? All fucked up? Do you have this tendency to fix people who doesn’t need or want to be fixed? Why are you trying to make my life difficult? Do you get off on it? Does it help build yourself up into a better person that you think it makes you? I don’t care if you tell my father; he knows that I’m having a hard time with things. He’s already concerned. So your little threat was as empty as you apparent schedule this week.” I got up and started packing my things. I still have 15 minutes but I didn’t care.

“I’m going home. I’ve had a bad day and I don’t need someone ‘psycho-analyzing’ me.” I used air quotes. He didn’t say anything as I walked out. I got into my car and drove to my usual gas station. I put the gas in my car and went to the house. I walked into the kitchen and saw that no one was in there, which I was glad for. I didn’t want to be bombarded with questions. I grabbed a couple of granola bars because I was hungry. As I walked out I saw Billie’s wallet on the side of the counter that housed all the bills and clutter. It was just sitting there and it was literally calling for me. I looked around to make sure no one was around. I grabbed his wallet and took the first thing I saw. I quickly put it down and put the money in my pocket and ran upstairs. I locked the door and sat my bag and food down. I pulled the money out. I had grabbed a hundred dollar bill. I felt two conflicting feelings. Relief and guilt. Relief because I have money now to get what I want and guilt because I stole from someone who has been nothing but generous to me since I got here. I stole from Billie. I put the money in my wallet. He’ll understand, though. I needed it to survive. He’ll understand. Besides he probably did the exact same thing when he was my age, drugs and stealing.

I grabbed some clothes and took a shower. When I was done I grabbed all my dirty clothes, making sure to hide the bloody ones, and went downstairs to wash them. I walked into the kitchen and saw Adrienne unloading groceries. I decided to help her.

“Thank you,” she said when we were done.

“It’s not problem.”

“Why are you home so early?”

“I got sick over at Donovan’s. Like nauseous. I’m probably about to go up to my room and lay down.”

“Did you take anything?” I shook my head. I wish I had something to take.

“I’m going to my bathroom to get the pepto. Something must be going around because Billie has been feeling nauseous, too.” She walked out. I looked at her purse that was sitting there. My heart started to beat faster because I can’t believe I was going to do what I am about to do. I quickly dug through her purse and pulled out her wallet. I didn’t have time to feel relief when I saw that she had cash in it. I took a hundred dollar bill out and shoved it in my pocket. I had put her wallet back in her purse just in time because two seconds later she was in the kitchen with the pink medicine. I felt like I was going to pass out because my heart was beating so fast. She filled the plastic cup with the medicine and handed it to me. I took it.

“Thank you. I’m going to go to sleep.” She gave me hug which made me feel even guiltier. As I walked upstairs I started to feel tears coming on. I lied down in my bed, closing my eyes in pain as my inner thighs rubbed against the harsh fabric of my pajama pants. I grabbed my phone and texted Tyler what I wanted and how much money I had. When it sent and he replied with a simple okay, I deleted the messages and cried myself into another restless sleep.