Falling Out

I didn’t want to go to school today. I didn't want to get out of bad. Last week ended terribly and I had a feeling that this week was going to be just as horrible.

I hadn’t seen Donovan since he left last Friday and I didn’t want to see him. Or Tyler or Felicia or anyone, for that matter. I practically stayed in bed all weekend and only got up when it was necessary. I still felt like that. I wanted to stay in bed and just lie here forever and ignore everything that is outside of that door. The whole fucking world.

But no. I couldn’t. Because my stalker decided against it.

“Amber, wake up. You’re going to be late.” Billie called through my closed door after tapping and tapping and tapping on my door. I flipped him off, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. I sighed and got out of bed. I grabbed a big black shirt with some black sweatpants and put them on. It wasn’t even intentional but I didn’t care that I looked like death. I didn’t. I felt like it but I knew a way to fix it. I took four, packed four and walked downstairs.

I walked into the kitchen to grab a granola bar. When I turned to leave Adrienne was there with a stupid sympathetic look on her face. Great.

“Honey, are you okay? You’ve been cooped up in your room all weekend.” I shrugged as I walked past her. I didn’t want to talk to her. I knew she meant well but at this point she could have been my dead mother and I wouldn’t want to talk. I felt so disgusted with myself that everyone around me shouldn’t have to endure the sound of my voice. I was disgusting.

As I was leaving, Jakob walked up to me and tried to give me a hug. I pushed him away. I didn’t deserve it.

“Don’t touch me.” He started to cry. I didn’t mean to make him cry. He just came out of the blue. Adrienne walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. She shot me a look that made me practically run out of the kitchen. I got into my car and drove to school in silence. I didn’t deserve the solace that music brought me. I deserved everything bad. I parked in my usual spot. I spotted Donovan’s car and bit my lip because I was trying to prevent myself from crying.

“I can’t do this,” I said out loud. I cranked my car back up and drove away. I can’t face him. I’m not brave enough. As I got a few blocks from school I realized I didn’t have anywhere to go. I couldn’t go back to the house without getting bombarded with questions from everyone. I couldn’t go to Donovan’s apartment. I didn’t have anywhere.

I was shocked when I found myself pulling into Tre’s driveway. I saw that his car wasn’t there and sighed in relief. I started to wonder where he was at this early in the morning. No telling with him. And it was none of my business.

I got out of my car and walked around the side door that led into his laundry room because I knew he never locked it. When I opened the door his alarm started going off. I quickly ran over to it and put in the code. 2020, just like the television show. “I have a hard time remembering things, besides music of course.” I remembered him telling me. He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted 1234 but the security installer advised against it.

A few seconds later a big dog came barreling in. Dooder jumped up on me and I smiled, petting the dog behind his ears. He was the ugliest dog I have ever seen but he was so friendly. I walked out of the laundry room and into his kitchen. I opened the refrigerator and grabbed a coke because he didn’t have any bottled water. I walked into the living room and sat on his big couch. I sat the coke on the coffee table and brought my legs up. His house wasn’t as big as the other two thirds of Green Day. It was comfortable and not overwhelming. It suited him.

Dooder jumped on the couch and rested his head on my folded legs. I mindlessly ran my fingers through his stringy fur, zoning out. I don’t know why I came here. Well, I actually did know. I had nowhere else to go. I couldn’t go to Billie’s because he and Adrienne were home. I didn’t want to go to Mike’s because that would have been really, really weird. I didn’t know how to get to Sacramento to go to my old house, even though it’s probably occupied now. I didn’t want to go to Donovan’s apartment because Lenox was probably there and that would just be awkward. So the only other option was here. It was sad that I didn’t have any other place to go. Sad like my whole existence.

My phone started going off. It wasn’t a ding that let me know someone was texting me; it was a ring telling me that someone was calling me. I picked it up and saw that it was Donovan. I pressed ‘ignore’ and set it on the couch beside me. A few seconds later it dinged. I looked at it and saw that he had left a voice mail. I decided to listen to it.

“Amber, where are you? I know you were upset Friday but I was really hoping to see you today. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” I deleted it. I lied down on the couch and Dooder rested at my feet. The pills helped clear my head, a feat that I gladly welcomed. A few minutes later I was asleep.

“Amber...Amber!” I opened my eyes. I looked and saw Tre standing there with a confused look on his face. I sat up and yawned.

“What the hell are you doing here? Why aren’t you at school?” He asked. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Use your words, Amber. That’s how people communicate these days.” He sat on his coffee table across from me.

“I didn’t feel like going.” He sighed.

“It doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t skip.”

“Why can’t I have a skip day?”

“Because...you just...can’t.” I rolled my eyes. I picked up my phone to see what time it was. 2:00. Dang, I slept a long time.

“Where have you been, anyway?” He smiled and stood up.

“None ya business. Stop digressing.” I sighed and got up. I wasn’t in the mood to do this with him.

“Whatever. I’ll leave if you don’t want me here.” I walked into the kitchen. Before I left I poured me a glass of juice and took the four I had packed. I put the glass in the sink. I sighed when I realized I forgotten my phone. I turned around and nearly had a heart attack. Tre was standing there. He looked disappointed which only meant he probably saw me take them. He walked a few steps and placed my phone on the counter beside me.

“What did you take?” He said it with so much calmness that it was scary.

“Aspirin.” He scoffed.

“Bullshit. I don’t have Aspirin or Tylenol or Advil or anything like that in the kitchen. I keep that in my bathroom for better convenience.”

“I had some with me.” I lied. He saw straight through it, too.

“I call bullshit again.” I grabbed my phone.

“I don’t need this.” I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm turning me to face him.

“What are you thinking, Amber? I thought you said you were done with them once you ran out.” I jerked my arm away from him.

“Don’t touch me. It was aspirin and I don’t care if don’t believe me.” He pulled his phone out. My eyes widened.

“Who are you calling?” He put his phone to his ear.

“Billie.” I grabbed his phone and hung it up.

“No you aren’t.” He tried to grab his phone but I put it behind my back. He sighed.

“Give me my phone.”

“No.”

“Amber, give it to me now.” I shook my head and ran across the kitchen. He slowly walked towards me.

“You can’t call Billie. You can’t tell him. I won’t let you take it away from me. I can’t survive without them, Tre.”

“Amber, listen to yourself. You need help. Let me help you, sweetie.”

“Tre, if you tell him anything I swear to God I will tell him that you touched me and he’ll believe me.” Tre didn’t say anything and looked down. My heart was thudding fast. I can’t believe I just said that to Tre of all people. He looked up at me and his face made me hate myself even more. He looked so betrayed.

“Get out.”

“Tre-”

“Get out, Amber. I won’t say anything. You won’t have to worry about me saying anything to anyone about you ever again. You don’t have to worry about me talking to you ever again. Get out!” I started to tear up. I set his phone on the counter, turned around and ran out of his house. I got into my car and started my car. I can’t believe I said that. What’s wrong with me? I just hurt the one person who has been in my corner since I got here. The one person who made it his mission to make me comfortable. The one person who comforted me when I needed it. The one person who showed me that I could trust again. Now he hates me.

And I deserved it.

I was shocked when I pulled up in the school’s parking lot. It was the middle of sixth period. I had nowhere else to go. I got out and walked into the building. I walked into class, not caring about the stares that people were giving me. I sat in my seat and put my head down, trying not to cry any more.

“Tre, if you tell him anything I swear to God I will tell him that you touched me and he’ll believe me.” It kept playing in my head over and over. It was like a broken record. Why did I tell him that? That is the worst thing I could have said to him. What is wrong with me? I’m screwing up everything. I’m screwing up my relationship with Donovan, my friendship with Tre, and my bond with Jakob and Adrienne. I’m making everyone hate me. I’m screwing up everything. Everything!

The bell rang and everyone got up. I was about to walk out the door when Mr. Thomas stopped me.

“Do you have a late slip?” I shook my head. He sighed and wrote something down.

“I’m going to have to write you up. I’ve been talking with your other teachers and they have all said you’ve been late to their classes more times than they wish. You keep going down this path and you will be suspended and possibly won’t graduate.” I didn’t say anything. He dismissed me and I walked out. I walked into my last class of the day and sunk into my seat. Donavon walked in with his head in his phone, texting away. When he reached his seat he looked shocked seeing me.

“Hey,” he breathed out. He gave me a lopsided smile. I looked away and saw Tyler walking in. When he saw me he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows in a sexual manner. I felt sick.

“Amber.” I looked at Donovan. He looked concerned.

“What’s wrong?” I gave out a shaky breath.

“Nothing. I’ve just been off. I get like that sometimes.” He pulled my desk closer to his. He cradled his hand around my face. I closed my eyes and leaned into his hand, touching it with my own hand.

“Okay. You scared me all day. I was tempted to call Billie but I thought against it. Where have you been?” His hand was so warm. It felt so nice against my face.

“Tre’s house. I needed a break and he wasn’t home.” He nodded. He leaned in and kissed me softly. As he did tears started to fall. I am such a terrible person. He pulled away and I quickly wiped my eyes. The teacher came in and the class went on.

When school was over I had to do a lot of convincing to Donovan that I wanted to be alone. When I got to the house I secluded myself in my room again. I sat on the floor with my butterfly box open in front of me and the razor in my hand. I stared at the wall in front of me. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I was screwing up people’s lives.

But I couldn’t find the strength to take my life.

Something was holding me back. It was like an invisible hand was holding down the hand that held my razor and preventing me from doing it. Because, trust me, I want to be gone. I wanted to be gone so bad that as I thought about dying, I felt relief. I wanted to be away from here, from everyone that I am hurting.

After a while I put the razor in the box and set the butterfly box on my desk. I walked to my closet, took six and got into bed. No one disturbed me and I was okay with that.