Falling Out

Billie Joe opened his house door open for me. The car ride to his house was long and awkward, considering I lived in Sacramento and he lived in Berkeley. It made me angry though, knowing he was only about an hour and a half drive from me.

I walked in and looked around his house. It was beautiful and open and very modern. He seemed to like the colors red and white. It was smaller than I had imagined, though. I guess I had envisioned the cliché of a rock mansion with stripper pole everywhere and beer bottles littering the floor. Boy, was I wrong. It was neat and clean and organized.

“Your room is upstairs.” I nodded. I looked at him. I didn’t look like him. I looked like my mom. But he had my nose and my ears. Or rather I had his nose and ears. He walked back outside and came back with two of the four bags that we had managed to get into his SUV. He turned around and walked back out, retrieving the other two. Before we drove back here we stopped at my aunt and uncles house to get clothes and the rest of my belongings.

I sat still in Billie Joe’s car and just stared at the house that has been root of my horrible life. I started to feel sick to my stomach. Billie Joe turned off the car and looked at me.

“I can go in for you if you want...” he trailed off. I shook my head and looked at him. I could tell he didn't know what he was doing. Hell, I didn’t even know what I was doing. All this has been going by in warp speed.

“I’ll be fine.” I got out of his car and walked into the house. I was walking fast, looking down as my feet walked the familiar path up my room. I didn’t look around the house. I didn’t want to look at it. I shouldn’t be blaming the house, it wasn’t its fault. It was just a small house made up of bricks and plaster that kept the rain and bugs out; that kept the wind from freezing us. But I couldn’t appreciate it. This house saw everything that happened to me and let it seep into its walls without saying a word to protect me.

I opened my room door and my breath caught. It was such a mess. Everything wasn’t in its proper place. Jim and Carol would be so mad if they saw it like this. I looked on the ground and saw blood on the carpet.

My head cracked against the desk before I fell to the ground, blood dropping on the carpet.

“Amber?” I blinked back the memory. I turned my head around and saw Billie Joe standing there. He was looking around my room with confusion.

“What happened in here?” I tore my gaze from him before walking to my closet and pulling out the luggage I had. I walked over to my unmade bed and placed them on top of it. They weren’t here to yell at me anymore. They were gone.

I started going around my room and packing up things that I cared for the most like my small CD collection and old albums that my Mom had. I had to hide them from Jim and Carol. I reached under my bed and grabbed the hidden Green Day ‘Dookie’ album. My aunt and uncle didn’t like me listening to Green Day, hell, any music for that matter, and now I knew why. But when I managed to sneak in some listening time, I would feel a strong connection to this band. I guess that could be explained too.

At the sound of clatter, I turned around and saw Billie Joe holding a picture and smiling at it. I walked over to him, grabbed it out of his hands and placed it in the bag before zipping it up.

“I’m sorry. I just...hadn’t seen her face in a long time, other than the memories I have of her.” I didn’t say anything. I just finished packing my belongings and getting the hell out of this house. For good.

“You must be Amber.” I blinked before turning my gaze to the person who called my name. Behind her beautiful smile was worry. She must have thought I was some crazy person. Of course, I don’t blame her. She just walked in on me staring off into space.

The woman walked and stood in front of me. She was about my height and had a head full of dreadlocks. But it wasn’t the obnoxious kind that were the size of rolled pennies, they were small and suited her. She was a little chunky but that didn't seem to bother her. She was really beautiful. She went to hug me but I pulled back, not wanting to be touched.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized lowly as I saw the flicker of sadness in her face. I looked down.

“Don’t apologize. I’m just a hugger. My name is Adrienne and I’m glad you’re here, Amber.” I nodded, not looking at her.

“Oh, good, you two met.” Billie Joe said. He walked over to Adrienne and gave her a small kiss on her lips. I felt like I was interrupting them by being in the same area as them as they shared an intimate moment.

“Can I go to the room that I'll be staying in?” I asked. Billie Joe looked at me and nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll show you.” He grabbed two bags and I grabbed two bags and we ascended the stairs. He began pointing out to me his room, Joey and Jakob’s, my new little brothers, room, the two guest rooms, and the bathrooms. When we finally got to the room that I would be staying in, I was relieved. He opened the door and walked in, setting the bags on the floor. I stood in the door way and looked around. It was bigger than my old room. Well, the bathroom was bigger than my old room considering Jim and Carol gave me the smallest room in their house. The walls were painted beige and the bed was queen sized with a green comforter set on it. There was a desk that fit perfectly in the corner and a chest of drawers against the wall opposite of my bed with a nice sized TV on it. Billie Joe waved me in.

“This is your room. It used to be a guest room so ignore its generic look. But you can do whatever you want to it. You can paint it; you can nail stuff on the walls. Before school starts you and Adrienne can go shopping and get stuff to decorate it with. She’s into all that stuff.” I walked over to the bed and examined the comforter up close. I ran my hand over the smooth fabric and touched the pillows dressed with pillowcases of intricate designs. Billie Joe just watched me as I ran my hands over everything. I had to get a feel of the room. I had to know this room was safe. I didn’t need to decorate this room. I wasn’t going to be here long. I didn’t want to inconvenience these people any more than I already am. They didn’t ask for a random 17 year old that has been through a lot to be in their life. They didn’t need me.

I looked up at Billie Joe and nodded.

“I won’t need to decorate it. I’m only going to be staying for a year and I’ll move out.” Billie Joe looked at me with confusion.

“Amber, this is your home. You can stay here until you’re 50 for all I care.” I just shrugged my shoulders and looked back down at the comforter. I didn't want to talk about this. About the future.

“Do you need help unpacking?” I shook my head.

“Okay. Dinner should be ready in a few.” He turned around and walked out. I looked back at my bags and placed them on the bed. Once I was finished unpacking, which only took about an hour, I lied in my the bed because I began to feel really tired. I grabbed the pain pills that I was prescribed and took one and waited until it brought me to a restless sleep.



“Dinner is ready if you want to get Amber. The boys are already sitting down,” Adrienne told me. I looked up at her from where I was sitting on the couch, my guitar on my stomach. She gave me a smile.

“Alright,” I got up, gently setting my guitar down, before making my way upstairs.

Adrienne was mad when she found out that I had a daughter. She wasn’t mad about Amber but was mad that I never told her that I had Amber. Truth be told, I didn’t even know Amber existed until I got the call a few days ago telling me that she was in the hospital.

“This must be a mistake. I don’t have a daughter.” I told the woman over the phone. That got Adrienne’s attention.

“I understand, Mr. Armstrong. I know this might be difficult for you to hear but I was real good friends with Amanda Ben-”

“Amanda Benson?” My brain tugged at the memory of Amanda Benson. Her long brown hair and light blue eyes. She was my girlfriend two years before I even met Adrienne. We were together for a year and she broke up with me when I was going on our first small tour. It was a year later when I met Adrienne and had never seen Amanda again.

“How’s Amanda?” I asked. Adrienne crossed her arms. I turned away from her, trying to escape the glare that she was giving me. Dr. Chesser was silent for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry to tell you but she passed away 10 years ago when Amber was 7 years old. She had breast cancer.” When those words left her mouth, my heart broke. It didn’t break for me; it broke for Amber, the person who was supposedly my daughter.

“What happened to Amber?” I asked.

“It’ll be best if I explain it to you in person, Mr. Armstrong.”

“Where do I go?” I asked the doctor.

“Methodist Hospital in Sacramento.”

“Okay. I’m coming.” I hung up the phone. I did the math in my head. 17 years old. That meant when Amanda broke up with me she was pregnant with Amber. Why didn’t she tell me?

“What was that about? Why didn’t you tell me that you had a daughter? Who is Amanda Benson? Wait, is this the Amanda?” Adrienne was mad. I looked at her. Her arms were still crossed, a classic pissed of stance that Adrienne did when she was extremely mad.

“That was a doctor from Sacramento. I have to go.” I walked past her and ran up the stairs. I grabbed a duffel bag and started packing.

“Go? You just got back from touring. What is going on?!” Adrienne demanded behind me. I put the duffel bag over my shoulders and looked at her.

“Look, I’ll explain everything when I get there. I’ll call you, okay?” As I was going around her she stepped in front of me, not letting me go.

“How could you not tell me you had a daughter? I wouldn’t have cared! How could you not support her all these years, Billie Joe? How is this going to look to her when you go and see her?” I placed my hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her down.

“If I knew she existed, I would have told you.” I kissed her, dropping my arms and walking out.

I knocked on Amber’s door. When no one answered I opened the door. The light was off in her room but the light from the hallway cast its shine on her bed where I saw her asleep. Her legs were brought to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. I stood there and looked at her, still not believing that I had a daughter and that Amanda had lied to me all these years. Once everyone in the world finds out about her they will label me as the typical rock star father who abandoned his child to live the dream in wealth and luxury. But it wasn’t like that. If I knew she existed I would have been there for her. I would have been to every birthday and every Christmas. I would have been there when she first walked and talked. I would have kept her safe from Amanda’s crazy sister and her husband.

If anything I was mad. I was mad at Amanda from keeping her from me. Amanda had always loved my dream to be in a band and get my music out there for the world to enjoy. She believed in me. She encouraged me and told me not to give up. And I didn’t. But I would have dropped everything for Amanda if she had told me she was pregnant and she knew it. Maybe that’s why she didn’t tell me. Maybe she didn’t want me to give up my dream which might have resulted in me being a fry cook at McDonalds trying to support her and Amber.

I closed the door, not wanting to wake her. I walked back down stairs and walked into the kitchen where both of my boys and Adrienne were sitting at the table, eating spaghetti. When we told them, they didn’t seem to care that they have a new sister. Joey was 11 and Jake was 7. All they cared about was playing video games.

I walked over to the table and sat down.

“Where’s Amber?” Adrienne asked. I grabbed a plate and put some spaghetti on it.

“She’s sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her.” She nodded. We all just sat there and ate the food. As the boys rambled on about some game I sat there and nodded, giving them recognition that I was listening. But I wasn’t. I was sitting there and thinking how my life is going to change drastically because of the girl that was sleeping upstairs.