Falling Out

I sat on the floor, crossed legged. I just sat there and stared at the wall. If I was in school, I would be in last period now sitting next to Donovan and acting like I was paying attention to what the teacher was teaching but instead I would trying to count my breaths, trying to remember that I was still alive and needed more pills.

Pills.

I looked at my closet. I had already taken four this morning when I woke up, hense why I find the wall so fascinating. But I could feel them eventually running out in about an hour. Can’t have that. I got on all fours and crawled to my closet. I could stand up but what fun is that. I grabbed the bag and took five out. I stared at them. I needed them to work faster.

I closed my hand and stood up. I sat them on my desk and began to crush them into powder. It wasn’t hard to do. Just getting it into fine powder was tricky and I didn’t want to waste on speck.

I opened my butterfly box and pulled out my razor. I stared at the razor for a few seconds. I found myself smiling.

“It’s so great to have two things that will never let me down.” And I meant those drug induced words. Even though I knew I had Donovan, I knew once he found out he’ll hate me. Good thing about the silver and white objects: they don’t feel. They won’t get offended or hate me. They just make me feel better.

I started lining up the powder. It was Friday and I could still feel the anger bleed through. I got suspended for no good reason. I hated Altman and the rest of the stupid teachers. Even that hag of a principal. I hated them so much. Suspending me for two weeks because I was late a few times? That was too excessive.

The part that was driving me crazy the most was that I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone. I never realized how often I talked to Donovan or was around Donovan or how breathing the same air as Donovan made me feel until these last two days that I was banned from seeing him. I mean, I went a weekend without seeing him but it was my choice. Being banned was a different story. Someone else was forcing me not to see him. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like to be forced to so anything.

I missed him so much and I was worried. I was so fucking worried that he might find out that I slept with Tyler.

I wish I was with Donovan right now even if I feel like the worst person in the world when I do.

I took a piece of random paper that was on my desk and made a makeshift straw. I took the straw, placed it in my nose, and snorted a line of powder, feeling instant relief because I knew in a few minutes I would be feeling better. Billie or Adrienne wasn’t home because they had something to do at Joey and Jakob’s school for a fundraiser. All four of them hadn’t really talked to me since Tuesday. Even when I tried to apologize to Jakob about pushing him away the other day, he wouldn’t have it. It made me feel like more shit. So I just stay in my room all day and all night, lying in bed. The only time I get up is to go to the bathroom or go downstairs to eat when everyone is asleep.

And Joey has always hated me. I guess I deserved it.

As I went for the second line, my door swung opened. I straightened up instantly. My heart dropped all the way down to the floor.

“What are you doing?” Donovan asked. I stood in front of the powder. Hiding it. Concealing it. Feeling ashamed of it.

“What are you doing here? I’m grounded and can’t have visitors.” My voice was shaky. I suddenly became self-conscious, hoping that I didn’t have any white residue on my nose. I wanted to wipe my nose so bad. But I didn’t. I didn’t need him to get more suspicious.

He got closer and a look of suspicion creeped over his face. So much for that.

“I skipped last period and I saw Billie wasn’t here. What are you doing?” He was only a foot away from me now. Tears started spilling my eyes. I moved to the side and showed him. I couldn’t lie anymore. I’m...tired of lying.

“Is that cocaine?” I shook my head.

“No. It’s oxycodone.” He took a few steps back from me, like I had just revealed I had the plague or something. He ran his hands over his face. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t.

“Were you high when we first met?” He asked suddenly and randomly. I didn't say anything. I couldn’t say anything.

“Were you high when we kissed?” I didn't say anything.

“Were you high when you told me you loved me?” I didn't say anything.

Donovan slammed his fist against the wall.

“So, all this we had together wasn't even you? This whole relationship was you just high all the fucking time? It makes total sense now. You were spacey all the time and when you were sick those times it was because you didn’t have any more pills, wasn’t it?” Tears started streaming down my face. I just continued my silence and stared at the floor.

“Talk to me, Amber!” He yelled. I jumped. I looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes. It nearly killed me to see him like that.

“What do you want me to say? Yes to all those questions? Because you already know the answers. I use this to help me survive, Donovan. You don't know what-“

“-you've been through, I know. That's your answer to everything! How am I supposed to know when you haven't even told me? I don't know anything about you. How can I love someone who has lied to me from day one? Day one, Amber. All the way back to Alabama.” He shook his head in disbelief. After a few moments of silence he looked at me straight into the eyes.

“Who supplied you?” I gulped. Literally gulped. I couldn't tell him. But then his eyes changed and he chuckled in disbelief. Of course he figured it out. He’s smart.

“You slept with him, didn’t you?” I brought my hand to my mouth and started crying. I walked over to him and tried to hug him but he pushed me away.

“Fuck you. You know how I feel about Tyler and what he's done to my sister. And now...” Donovan shook his head. “...and now you lied to me again and cheated on me with that son of a bitch. How can you fuck him but when I touch you, you recoil or flip your lid?” He was hurt. I deserved these words.

“Donovan, please forgive me. It didn’t mean anything, I swear. Please, please believe that. I love you so much, Donovan.” He shook his head.

“I want nothing to do with you.” He turned around and left, slamming the door.

It felt like the air was knocked out of me. I felt like I was going to faint, to be honest. I fell to my knees to try and catch my breath but instead I made these weird hyperventilating noises. I didn't know I could hurt someone so much. I didn’t know I could hurt so much by someone who I truly loved. I didn't know that words could be worse than breaking bones. I never loved Carol so her words didn't mean anything to me. I love Donovan. His words mean everything. He means everything and he hates me. I deserve it. I deserve much more. I deserve everything that comes my way. Maybe Carol’s beatings were just pre-karma. Maybe the universe knew this would happened and punished me before hand. Because I deserve it. I. Deserve. It.

I got up and walked to my closet. With shaking hands took eight solid pills, leaving the crushed ones on desk. I coiled up on the floor and tried to catch breathe. I didn't move from that spot for nearly an hour. I heard the door shut downstairs and I got up as quickly as I could to shut to the door before I realized it was already shut. I was so high that it was hard to think straight. Everything was just cloudy and dull and numb and mushy. I stood there and stared off for a good thirty seconds.

"I have to clean those crushed pills," I said out loud. I didn't mean to say it out loud. I thought I was thinking it but clearly I wasn’t. I moved slowly, using the wall to steady myself. When I got to the desk I wiped off the crushed pills and watched as the remnants sprinkled on the floor. I knelt down and started smearing them into the ground so it wouldn’t be noticeable. I put my razor back in my box and closed it up. I slumped on the floor and lied there for a long time. The blood was slowly pouring through my body; the carpet was rough on my skin. It was like these carpet particles were slowly growing through my body. It was nice.

Eventually I needed to get up to go to the bathroom. I looked at my alarm and noticed it was 9:30 pm. Dang.

When I got back from the bathroom, I looked around my room. My eyes landed on my keys. I grabbed them and walked out of my room. I started down the stairs. I needed to leave this place. I needed more pills even though I had plenty left. I needed more than just those pills. I needed freedom. Tyler was having a party. That’s where I will find both.

I held onto the banister for dear life as I walked down the stairs. Billie was there suddenly.

“Where are you going? You are grounded. How did you get your keys?” I mentally kicked myself in the brain. Even mentally I didn't feel it.

“I'm going to Donovan's. He needs help with a paper,” I lied. My words didn’t make sense. Donovan hated me why would he need help with a paper?

“You're still grounded, Amber. You aren't going anywhere.” That pissed me off. Who was he to tell me what to do? He hated me. He doesn’t want me here. He wants me gone. Just like everyone.

“Fuck you. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want. You aren't my daddy. You'll never be my daddy. As far as I'm concerned I'm an orphan. I hate you. I hate Adrienne. I even hate those fucking snobby kids of yours. And if you call the cops on me I'll tell the whole world that the real reason I was at the abortion clinic was because you fucking raped me. Don't temp me.” Billie looked so shocked. I was shocked. Where did that come from? Oh well.

I heard movement behind me and saw Adrienne standing at the top of the stairs with Jakob who was silently crying. My face softened.

“Jakob, I'm sorry.” He just ran past me down the stairs and into the kitchen. Adrienne glared at me as she took a few steps down. She was a few steps above me. The look she gave me was filled with so much hate. She hated me. I deserved it.

“Get out of my house. Now!” I glared at her, giving her the same look of hatred she gave me.

“Gladly.” I walked the rest of the stairs down and past Billie Joe. He grabbed my arm. His face was a few inches away from mine.

“No, don’t go, Amber.” He looked in my eyes and he knew.

“Wait, are you high?” I jerked my arm away from him and laughed.

“Yes and you can’t do anything about it. Leave me alone.” I walked out of the house and got into my car. I cranked it and drove to Tyler’s house. It was a short trip.

I slammed on the brakes but I wound up hitting the rear end of a car. It made me laugh. Billie’s rich, he’ll fix it. I stumbled out of my car and left the keys in the car. I didn’t care. I walked into the smoke filled house. People were bumping into me. I grabbed some random person’s arm.

“Where is Tyler?” I asked her. She pointed to the kitchen. I walked in there and when Tyler saw me, he smiled. He had a cut on his lip, a cut on his cheek bone and his eye was red and swollen. He looked ugly. Good. His appearance matched his guts. I walked to him and steadied myself on the counter.

“Whoa, someone looks like they’ve been partying.” Tyler got up and stood in front of me. He had that stupid smirk on his face. I hated that smirk. I hated myself more, though.

“You know your boyfriend came by earlier. Punched me in the face a couple of times. He’s just jealous because I got to you first. He started crying and telling me that I was worthless. It was funny.”

“Shut up. Don’t talk about him. He’s a good person and he hates me because of you.” He shrugged. I got closer to him.

“Give me something, please,” I whispered, desperately. I could feel the anguish coming over me when I spoke about Donovan. It was stronger than the chemicals. Tyler retrieved an orange pill bottle from his pocket.

“Take all of them.” He handed me the orange bottle. Before I could even think, I had the top unscrewed and spilled all six pills in my hand, all different shapes. I took every single one of them.

“You owe me now.” I nodded.

“Fine.” Before I knew it my whole body felt amazing. My brain felt like a different mush but the good kind mush. My whole body felt like I was slowly emerging into jello. Everything seemed so blurry but I didn't mind. I wrapped my arms around Tyler, trying to regain my balance. The music blared from the speakers, the vibrations going through my body. I felt like I was in a different state of existence. I loved it.

People were bumping into me as I floated upstairs with Tyler. I was so glad he was here because if he wasn't I would have fell. When we reached his room he shut to the door behind him and locked it. I lied on his bed, loving the feeling of it. Lying down felt so relaxing because it was like a cloud that was slowly engulfing me. I heard him open his dresser drawers. I watched him as he pulled out a little white bag of powder, a straw, and a razor. He poured some on his dresser, used his razor to make a couple of thin lines and then snorted the powder. He rubbed his nose before looking at me, smiling. He licked his fingers of the residue.

“That’s good. Really good.” Tyler got on top of me and started kissing my neck. I didn't have the strength to push him off. I heard someone say no and get off of me but it was muffled. It was like I was underwater and there was someone from above the water was trying to talk to me.

“You owe me.” I thought I heard him say but it could be echoes from earlier. Before I knew it my shirt was off, along with my pants and underwear and my bra. I hardly felt it when he started to have sex with me. I was so tired and not in my body. I could still hear someone tell him no but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

When he was done he lied next to me, smiling. A few minutes after he regained his breath and got up. Walked out like it was nothing. I just lied there in his bed, staring at the ceiling, something I've done so many times. All ceilings looked the same.

I felt something tingle down my cheek. I brought my hand to my face and realized I was crying. I sat up, grabbing my head because it started spinning. I walked over to his dresser and heavy handedly grab the razor. I walked into his attached bathroom and stared at the naked girl in the mirror who was heavy lidded and looked at me. I did not recognize the girl in the reflection.

I began to realize that all I am good for in this world is to be used and to hurt people. Here is another person to have sex with me without my permission. What else will I ever be good for? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being used and mistreated. I’m tired of hurting those people that I love.

And I really wanted to see my mom.

I looked down at my naked body. This is all people see me as: meat. I grabbed the razor and began cutting my stomach. I cried as I did. The tears that hit the floor was overshadowed by the steadily pouring of my stomach blood. They were long, thick gashes. I moved to cut my breasts, leaving big gashes on them. No one would want an ugly piece of meat anymore. I looked in the mirror and watched as blood started to trickle down my body. It was like looking at a map and instead of seeing the blue lines that were rivers, you’d see red lines that trailed down my body. I looked straight into my eyes in the mirror. I was tired of being in this world. I really was.

I lifted the blade and placed it on my wrist. With a single exhaling breath, I cut. And cut. And cut.

I didn’t feel anything. It was like cutting butter.

I sat on the ground and watched and the blood started to gush out of my wrist. I did it. I really did it. After a few moments, I started to feel light headed. I lied down on the bathroom floor and continued to stare at my bleeding wrist. Everything slowed and got heavy.

It felt like I was fighting my sleep, to be honest. I tried to keep my eyelids open but I couldn't. And in this moment, with only a few breaths left in me, I started to feel truly at peace for the first time in ten years.