Falling Out

I woke up to lights shining in my eyes. Bright lights. First thought that came to mind was that I was dead. Finally away from everything and everyone that hurt me. I could finally see my mom. I could be free of the pain and hurt I have felt for the past 10 years.

I went to block the light with my hand but it didn’t move. I tugged at my arm again and noticed that I was restrained to a bed. I wasn’t dead. I was very much alive. I couldn’t lift my hands or move my arms. I started to freak out.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You are in the hospital.” I looked up with panic and saw Billie standing there. He didn’t look too good. His hair was a mess and he hadn’t shaved.

“What am I doing here?” I asked. I was surprised to hear my voice. It was so hoarse. It was déjà vu all over again.

“You tried to kill yourself.” It rushed back to me. The fight with Donovan, the fight with Billie, the drugs, Tyler raping me, and me cutting and cutting and cutting. I looked at my wrists and saw them bandaged up. My whole arm was exposed with the terrible scars. He knew. They all knew now. I didn’t want them to see. I didn’t want them to see how ugly I was. How much I hurt. How much damage I did to myself.

“Cover my arms, Billie. Cover my arms!” Billie pulled the blanket to my chin. Tears were streaming from my eyes and my heart monitor that I was hooked to was beeping fast. It was alarming. Everything was alarming. How did I get here? How did they find me? Why didn’t they let me go? Why were they being so selfish in trying to keep me here when they clearly could see that I didn’t want to be here.

“Amber, calm down. Calm down.” He brushed the hair out of my face. I couldn’t. It only made me cry harder and louder.

“Get me out of these! Get me out!” Everything was falling apart. Everything. This was not how it was supposed to happen! I wasn’t supposed to be here! I was supposed to be with my mom. I needed to be with my mom.

A nurse came in then and put something in my IV. A few seconds later I fell back asleep.

When I woke up the lights were off. I looked over and saw Billie sitting there. He was messing with his phone. Texting or playing a game or something.

“Billie?” His head shot up.

“Amber, are you okay?” I nodded. I tried moving my arms but I remembered they were restrained.

“Why am I restrained?” I asked calmly. He ran his hand through his hair.

“You woke up a couple of times and ripped your IV and stitches out.” I gave him a confused look.

“Stitches?” He nodded.

“You tried killing yourself, Amber. You had deep cuts all over your body and they all needed stitches.” Tears started to prick my eyes. This can’t be happening.

“You know then?” He nodded.

“I know about your cutting and about you snorting pills. Donovan confirmed that for me after you left the house really high.” I blinked and the tears fell down my face.

“Why am I on a heart monitor?” He ran his hands over his face.

“You overdosed. That with the amount of blood you lost they didn’t want to take any chances.” I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what else to do.

“Can I get the restraints off?” Billie nodded and got up.

“I’ll go ask.” He left the room. A few minutes later Billie, the doctor and a nurse came in. It was a young male doctor a female nurse.

“If I take them off will you not hurt yourself?”

“I won’t.” He nodded and the nurse took them off. I sat up and scratched my nose which made them laugh.

“My name is Dr. Hudson and this is Nurse Miranda. I need to check on your stitches and clean them, is that alright?” I nodded. He looked at Billie.

“Can you please leave?” For some reason Billie leaving scared me. I didn’t want him to go. I shook my head.

“No, I want him to stay. Can he just turn around?” The doctor nodded. Billie looked at me before he turned around. The doctor took off my gauze on my wrist. I stared at it. It was ugly. I couldn’t look at it anymore because it disgusted me. I turned my head. He began cleaning it. It stung a little. After he was done the nurse wrapped my arm up again.

“I need you to disrobe for us and lie down.” I didn’t at first. I didn’t want to look at what I had done and I was nervous with a man here. But he’s probably already seen me. He already knew. Just like everyone else. With shaky hands I pulled the gown off and lied down. I didn’t look at them. I couldn’t.

“The cool thing about these stitches is that they dissolve so you don’t have to come back to get them removed,” Nurse Miranda said as she cleaned the stitches on my breasts. She was trying to distract me. I appreciate it. Nurse Miranda proceeded to take out my IV and unhook my heart monitor. When they were done I put my gown back on and Billie turned around.

“We’ll be back in a few hours to check on them again.” I nodded. They walked out. Billie sat down next to me. I started to wonder who found me. Did Tyler find me? Oh, gosh if he found me...I don’t know. He’s someone I hoped who didn’t find me. I looked at Billie. He was looking at me with curiosity.

“What are you thinking about?” I was quiet for a few seconds before getting the courage to ask him.

“Who found me?” He breathed out through puffed out cheeks.

“Donovan.” Donovan? Donovan found me? My eyes widened. Oh, God. He found me. He saw me naked and saw me covered in blood. He saw my body. He saw more of my secrets. I started to cry.

“He hates me. He hates me because I screwed up. Literally. I had sex with Tyler and he hated me because of it. I hate myself because of it.” I started to hyperventilate.

“He-he found me-me. I-I screwed up his-his life more.” I brought my hands up to my face and cried into them.

“No, sweetheart. He doesn’t hate you. He stayed all day yesterday and came back this morning before I sent him home.”

“I hurt him, Billie. I hurt him so-so bad.” I cried harder and Billie let me. I felt like I ruined Donovan’s life the first time we met. I knew that I was going to hurt his life somehow. I knew it. I should not have went to that party he had at his family’s house in Alabama. I should have left him alone. I should have closed that door.

After ten more minutes of extreme crying, I finally calmed down. I wiped my face and looked at Billie.

“Feel better?” I shrugged.

“Sort of.” We were silent again. I began wondering where Adrienne was. I started to panic. She probably hates me. I ran my hand through my hair and it felt gross. Like it hadn’t been washed in a long time. Which it hadn’t. I looked at Billie.

“Where’s Adrienne?” I asked him. He ran his hand through his hair. Uh oh.

“She’s at the house. She’s packing.” My heart dropped and I started cry again.

“You guys aren’t getting a divorce, are you?”

“No, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said as he shook his head. He grabbed my hand.

“She’s packing some of your clothes.” My stomach dropped. They are kicking me out. I knew this would happen.

“Why?” I asked without thinking. My voice was shaking. They can’t kick me out. He sighed and put his free hand on our already clasped hands.

“We are sending you to a treatment facility that helps teenagers with problems like yours. I don’t know how long you will be gone but know that I will be with you every step of the way. I feel guilty because I should have known something was going on with you. I should have known that you were cutting or hurting yourself. I was caught up in myself and not you until it was almost too late.” He started to tear up.

“Amber, I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.” I was speechless. Literally speechless. To be honest it was too much to take in. At first he was sending me to some crazy place and now he’s apologizing to me. I don’t know. I didn’t know what to think. I took my hand out of his. I wanted to be alone.

“Can I have some time alone? I’m feeling kind of tired.” He stood up and wiped his face. He leaned down and kissed my forehead before walking out. I lied down on my side, my back facing the door. I didn’t want to think anymore. I found myself falling into a light sleep.

My eyes popped open when I heard the door close. I felt someone lay down in the bed behind me and I knew who it was. I turned around and saw Donovan. I immediately started crying and wrapped my arms around him. He held me so tight and it was so comforting. I pulled away a little but his arms were still around me.

“I’m so sorry, Donovan.” He shook his head.

“Amber, don’t apologize. I love you, Amber. Forgive me for not seeing what was right in front of my face.”

“No, no Donovan. It’s not your fault. Please don’t think that. How can you love me? What I did was horrible.” He brushed my hair out of my face.

“Amber, I thought I lost you. When I found you-” He started to choke up. He sat up and brought me with him. He grabbed my arm and ran his fingers over my scars. I wanted to pull my arm away because I was so embarrassed. I didn’t want him to see me like this, so vulnerable. It made me sad.

“Right now we need to focus on you. We will worry about us later. There will still be an us, Amber. No matter what.” He cradled my face like he always did. I closed my eyes and leaned into his hand. I felt his lips on mine.

“Will you come visit me when I leave?” My voice broke. He nodded.

“I will come see you as much as I possibly can.” I nodded.

“Stay here with me for a little long?” I sounded so small and desperate. I didn’t want him to leave me. I needed to feel him beside me. To comfort me. To anchor me. He kissed me.

“I’ll stay in here until I get kicked out.” We laid back down. My back was against his stomach and his arms were tightly around my waist. I was glad that Donovan was here with me. I loved that I could feel his warmth though his shirt. I missed him. I missed this. Like clockwork I heard him snore. It made me smile because every time we lied down together he instantly falls asleep. Soon his snoring lulled me to sleep.