Falling Out
Thirty Three
I grabbed my clothes hamper from outside my door and brought it into my room. I dumped the clothes on my bed and began refolding them. Usually the housekeepers do a fantastic job folding them but when laundry day landed on Thursday or Saturday they are usually all sloppy. Plus, I enjoyed folding my own clothes because it gave me something to do, something to keep me busy.
Janet walked in with her hair wet and a towel wrapped around her small body. She had her basket of clothes in her hands.
“Fucking Gina. She needs to go to Wal-mart and ask those old ladies to teach her how to fucking fold underwear and not just throw them in the basket.” Unlike me, Janet didn’t bother to refold them. She just opened one of the three drawers that our small dresser held and dumped them in there. I turned back to folding my clothes when she dropped her towel. She didn’t care who saw her. She actually wanted it, really. She always leaves her shower curtain or our door wide open when she changed so everyone could see her naked body.
Crystal Falls Treatment Center. I have been here at Crystal Falls Treatment Center for twenty three days now. They cater to an array of problems from eating disorders to full blown schizophrenia. It is where all the rich people sent their unruly and misbehaved children according to Janet. Her father’s father was one of the founders of some famous washing detergent. This was her fourth time being here and she was only fifteen. According to her, she’s diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and when she gets too much for her parents, who aren’t there for her anyway, she gets sent here.
“Are your parents going to be coming today?” I put my folded clothes up. I didn’t like when people referred to them as my parents but it was exhausting to always correct people and explain the correction.
“Yeah, I haven’t seen them since the first week. Green Day had some NRDC stuff they had to do. Which is understandable.” Janet scoffed and sat on her bed, fully clothed. Well, clothed enough to cover her boobs and other private parts.
“Yeah, you are way more understanding than I am. Well, at least your parents show up. The only time mine come is if we have a family session. Even then Dr. Taylor has to practically force the fuckers to come.” I sat down on my bed and sighed.
“I think we are having one of those today. I’m nervous. We had one the first week but it wasn’t really a therapy session.” She lied back on her bed and laughed.
“Yeah, I know. It’s just basically introductions and what you guys will be focusing on, yada, yada, yada bullshit.”
“One minute, ladies,” Mrs. Virginia, the head technician, or tech as most people around here call them, called out when she passed our room. Janet flipped her off even though she wasn’t there anymore. It made me laugh. We got up and walked out of our room and down the hall where we got into line with the other people who were here. It was breakfast time. We walked in a line to the cafeteria. When I got my food I sat down at my usual table which I shared with Dorothy. Dorothy lit herself on fire after her boyfriend broke up with her. She had severe burn scars over thirty percent of her body and it was all visible. She didn’t talk during meal times which was fine by me. Janet usually sat with the people with eating disorders.
As I picked apart the muffin I got I started thinking back these few weeks that I’ve been here. The first eight days were the worst. Right when I was discharged from the hospital, the day after Donovan showed up, I was sent here. The first thing they had to do was go through my clothes. They allowed me some pictures but I was told I had to wear tank tops the whole time I was there and I could only wear a jacket when I went outside because the weather was cooling down. It was something about not hiding my scars anymore. Anyway, since Adrienne didn’t pack me any tank tops, mainly because I didn’t have any, she had to go out and buy me some.
After they had gotten back from a quick shopping trip I had a family session with Billie and Adrienne which was basically bullshit just like Janet said. When the pain medication that they had me on at the hospital, enough to not make me sick, wore off, I started to go through full blown withdrawal. And it was the worst pain that I’ve ever been through. I couldn’t eat or sleep because I was in so much pain and I felt like I was going to die. I would get hot and cold at the same time and I sweat so much. I actually lost ten pounds because I wouldn’t hold food down. When I was able to walk and go through the day without wanting to throw up I was put in a room with Janet who first thought I was there because of an eating disorder because of how small I was. But then she saw the scars on my arms and didn’t say anything. Come to think of it, that was the one and only time I’ve ever seen her speechless. I think she realized how fucked up I really was and didn’t have any quips for me. As the days went on I got down with the routine of this treatment facility.
Breakfast at 6:00. School work from 6:30 to 12:30. Lunch at 12:30. Group at 1:00. Art or Music Therapy at 2:00 with Individual therapy happening concurrently every other day. Supper at 5:00. Opportunity to call home at 5:30, which is optional. Free time until lights out. Depending on what level you are on you can use this time to go on the internet. Also, depending when they are instructed to be administered, you get your medicine for the day. I have to take mine before lights out. Visits from family happen during free time and all day on Saturday and Sunday. Once I tried to call Donovan but I got his voicemail, which sucked. I assumed he was at work. That was the only time I called anyone.
There are four levels. Each level allows you different privileges. And to move up in rank of the five levels you simply have to be on your best behavior and show that you are really trying to get better and progressing.
Level One: You are allowed to go to the vending machine anytime you want. I know that doesn’t seem like something to be excited about but they have every type of candy and drink in those vending machines and you don’t get snacks here otherwise.
Level Two: Level One privilege as well as five extra minutes during call time.
Level Three: Level One and Two privileges as well as strict internet time for ten minutes.
Level Four: All privileges from the previous levels as well as not so strict supervised 30 minutes internet time and we got a CD of our choice to listen during Music Therapy.
I’m not on a level because I haven’t been partaking in therapy like I should. I don’t like telling people what happen to me. When each of us first get here we have to sign a non-disclosure form because this place caters to celebrities and their children or relatives. Even so, I still don’t feel comfortable telling a group of my peers what happened to me. I also haven’t been talking to Dr. Jenn, my assigned therapist and one of five therapists on staff, at all and that’s not good. She already knows what happened to me, or what Billie has told her, she doesn’t need to know anything else about me. So I was just going to bide my time here until Billie decides he doesn’t want to pay anymore.
I got up and threw the remnants of my breakfast away and put the tray in its section. Today was Saturday which meant free time all day. They didn’t care what we did. I walked into my assigned room and grabbed the plain black tank top and some white cotton pajama pants. I had jeans but I preferred to be comfortable. I changed into them and grabbed my small caddy that I was given. It had all my toiletries in it. Like my toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, shampoo and all the stuff. I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my brush and ran it through my hair forty times. I knew because I counted and it helped my mind to stay busy. I took the rubber band off my wrist and used it to put my hair into a ponytail. Billie and Adrienne won’t care what I look like.
I walked back into my room with Janet holding a picture of Adrienne, Billie, the boys, and me at the beach that she made Tre take. It was the only picture that had all five of us. I put my caddy on top of my assigned dresser and grabbed the picture, putting it back in its place.
“It’s so crazy that you are Billie Joe Armstrong’s daughter. I bet it’s awesome to be the offspring of someone so fucking hot. I can’t wait to tell my friends who my roommate was this time.” I sat on my bed and looked at her.
“You can’t tell anyone who was here. Didn’t you sign that contract?” She shrugged.
“Like I care about that. I don’t like to be told what to do.” She sat down and crossed her legs. She was wearing really short shorts. She liked showing as much skin as possible because she liked teasing the male techs.
“You can’t tell anyone that I was here. The world doesn’t know my identity and I-”
“Chill, Edward Scissorhands. I’ll make you a deal. Come group Monday you tell us why you are here and what happened to you and I’ll keep my mouth shut, k?” My mouth literally fell open.
“Are you blackmailing me?” She shrugged and lied down on her bed.
“Yup. You get away with not saying anything while everyone is forced to talk about their problems. It’s not fair.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about myself.”
“Blah, blah, blah. I don’t give a shit. Dorothy almost killed herself over her abusive boyfriend and talks about how she still loves him. Amy has a heroin addiction and she talked about how a relative made her give him a hand job. Tabitha’s mom drove her to down a bottle of tylonol. The list goes on and on. Everyone has problems. They had to open up and so do you. So, if I have to blackmail you then I’ll blackmail you. But just so you know it’s not just me, it’s all of us. Get the fuck over yourself.” She got up and walked out. I sighed and flopped back on my bed. I knew I wouldn’t get away with this. I thought it would be Dr. Jenn or Dr. Silva, who runs groups, to call me out but nope. It’s a coup by the other patients who are here.
“Amber, you have two visitors coming today,” Ms. Virginia said with her clipboard in her hand. I sat up.
“I know, thank you for telling me.” I smiled at her.
“Well, Dr. Jenn has your family session scheduled for 10:30. We are also having a movie screening tonight. Here is a list of the movies that are available so just check three movies that you want to see and the one with the most marks is the winner. Choose right quick.” She handed me the list of movies and a marker. We aren’t allowed to have pens or pencils because there was an incident where someone stabbed their leg multiple times. So all we were allowed to have was markers. Even when we did school work we used markers. I checked off three random movies and handed it back to her. She smiled at me before walking out. I curled up in the bed and stared at the three pictures that I had. One was of Donovan and I, one was of my mom, and the third was of all five of us.
I lied there and stared at them. I missed seeing Donovan. I missed talking to him and holding his hand. I even missed Billie and Adrienne and the boys a little. I missed being around people that I knew. I hated it here.
Plus, this place drives my want to cut myself or take a pill. I missed them.
When Becky, Dr. Jenn’s assistant, came and told me that it was time for the family session, my stomach dropped. As I followed her I started to get really anxious. I was excited to see someone I knew but I didn’t want to talk about my problems or anyone else’s problems. I just wanted to leave with Billie and Adrienne when they leave. I wanted my bed, my room, my butterfly box.
Especially my butterfly box.
Becky opened the door for me and my stomach fluttered with butterflies when I saw them sitting on the couch. They both stood up when I walked in. Something inside me wanted to hug them but I stopped myself. Dr. Jenn smiled when she saw me. I walked over to the couch on the opposite side of Billie and Adie and brought my legs up, getting comfortable. Adrienne had a smile on her face, trying hard not to look at my arms. But Billie on the other hand had no qualms staring at my arms. When he saw that I was staring at him, he looked away.
Dr. Jenn took her notepad out and flipped to a clean page.
“Alright we have fifty minutes so let’s make the best of them,” Dr. Jenn said. She was a pretty woman. She had straight as a board blond hair and sharp cut straight bangs. She always wore a blazer with everything that she wore and her engagement ring looked bigger on her thin fingers. She was a no-nonsense kind of person and it was something that I admired and loathed at the same time.
She turned to look at Billie and Adrienne. “I wanted to give you a little update on Amber and her progress. To put it bluntly, there hasn’t been any. She doesn’t participate in group therapy or individual therapy. She doesn’t interact with any of the other patients and mostly stays in her room.” Billie looked at me. He looked upset.
“I think she is just biding her time here until her 90 days are up,” Dr. Jenn added. My ears perked up. I didn’t know I was only allowed to be here for 90 days. I was relieved when I heard that. Only 67 more days till freedom.
“I hope you know that even after your 90 days are up that your parents can re-register you back here.” She was talking to me now. It was like she read my mind or something.
“And we will, even if I have to spend every last dime that I have, you will come back here until you get better.” I sighed angrily.
“Why can’t I just go back to your house?” I asked Billie. He was about to answer but Dr. Jenn cut him off.
“Hold on, why did you say ‘your house’? You don’t see it as your home?” I closed my mouth. I needed to shut up. This is why I didn’t speak here. Just the smallest slip and she catches it like Mr. Miyagi did with that fly using his chopsticks.
“The more you talk, Amber, the quicker you can leave. We can only keep you here for 90 days for insurance purposes but you can leave early if you talk.” I didn’t say anything for a few minutes. I didn’t want to be here anymore and I didn’t want to get shipped back here after I left. I looked at Adrienne. She didn’t have that smile on her face anymore. She just looked worried and hurt. She didn’t deserve to be here. She shouldn’t be here, at this place, at this moment. She didn’t ask for me. I was forced onto her. Why am I making her life more difficult than it should be? I sighed and crossed my arms. Talk and I can leave early. Okay. I can do that.
“No, I don’t,” I answered. Adrienne’s faced changed. More hurt with a little relief thrown in there because I confessed something. I didn’t want to look at Billie.
“Why is that?” Dr. Jenn pressed.
“Because it’s not. The only home I’ve ever had was the apartment that my mom had and my Gran’s house. That’s it.” Dr. Jenn turned to the technical parents on the other couch.
“How do you feel when she says that your home isn’t hers?” Adrienne sighed and wiped a few tears away. Great, I made her cry.
“It hurts. I know that I’m not her mother and I will never be her mother but I thought I made her comfortable in my home.” Her voice started breaking. She was looking at Dr. Jenn.
“I knew it was going to take her sometime to get used to us but those last few weeks before she got here it seemed like she was used to us. Before she was getting moody and getting in trouble at school, she seemed happy. She was talking to us, she was painting her room. She seemed to be getting used to us,” Adrienne said.
“Now that I think back on those moments, I don’t how I was so stupid to not see that she was high. She always had this spacey look on her face and her eyes...her eyes were just lazy looking. It should have been so obvious. I mean, I’ve been around my fair share of drugs and I should have fucking seen it,” Billie added. I hated that they were talking about me like I wasn’t in the room. Dr. Jenn turned to me.
“What to take from what your parents said?” I groaned a little too dramatically.
“Stop calling them that. They aren’t my parents-”
“I am your parent, Amber. I am your father.” I guess I was feeling vindictive because I clapped in Billie’s direction. He looked confused.
“Amber, why are you clapping?” Dr. Jenn asked.
“That’s the first time I have ever heard him acknowledge himself as my father that wasn’t written in a magazine or trying to force me into doing things that I didn’t want to do.” I turned to Billie.
“If I wasn’t photographed with you in that stupid magazine you would have never confessed to the world that I was your daughter. It would ruin your stupid image that you had with Adrienne because everyone would know that the perfect marriage façade was a sham. People would think that you cheated on your precious Adie that you’ve dedicated so many songs to.” I wiped the tears that managed to fall.
“No wonder Mom didn’t tell me about you. You didn’t want me as much as I wanted you when we found out about each other. Why didn’t you just leave me in that hospital room! Our lives would have been so much better.” I squeezed my legs to my chest. I rested my forehead on my knees and rocked myself a little. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be at Billie’s anymore. I just wanted to go back to when I was 6 years old and dancing with my mom.
“Is that what you think? That I don’t want you?” I didn’t answer. I continued to rock myself which was helping me calm down. I felt someone sit next to me. I knew it was Billie because of his cologne. He liked his Ed Hardy.
“Amber, I love yo-”
“No, you don’t!” I snapped at him. I was looking at him dead in the eyes. “You’ve never told me and you are just saying it to make yourself feel better and to make yourself look better. You don’t love me. No one loves me except Donovan and I don’t even think he loves me anymore. Why would someone love me? How can someone love me? Jim and Carol have told me numerous times that they didn’t love me because I didn’t deserve it. The only person who told me that-that they lo-loved me and m-meant it was my mom. I want her b-back. I want her he-here.” I was hyperventilating now. It was hard to breathe. I didn’t even notice when Billie put his hand on my back. They were silent. They let me cry, or more like sob. After 3 minutes I started to calm down. My chest hurt from crying so much and I was officially emotionally exhausted. I could go to sleep right now.
I wiped my face and Billie’s hand on my back came off. I looked at Dr. Jenn who had a solemn look on her face. Billie got up and sat next to Adrienne who grabbed his hand instantly. I wondered what I looked like to all three of them. They probably only saw this broken little girl whose puzzle pieces of her life scattered in a trail from Sacramento to Berkley to here. I hated their stares.
“I’m going to be honest with you, Amber,” Billie started. I didn’t look at him, “I didn’t know what to do when I found out about you. I didn’t know if you were really mine. When I saw you for the first time lying in that hospital bed I knew that you were Amanda’s instantly and it confirmed to me that you were mine. I was scared shitless. I didn’t know what to do with a teenage daughter. I didn’t know what to do with a teenage daughter who almost died because of her fucking aunt and her piece of shit, rapist of an uncle. I didn’t know. I still don’t. I still don’t fucking know. When I found out that you tried to kill yourself and that you’ve been cutting yourself and taking drugs all under my supervision I hated myself for you. I wasn’t paying enough attention to you. I wasn’t being a parent-a dad. I was being a guardian. I was no better than your aunt and uncle." He took a breath. He had tears falling. I think this was the first time I have ever seen a man cry.
"And I am so, so, so sorry, Amber. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I am so sorry for not paying enough attention to you. I am so sorry for not trying to find Amanda and get answers as to why she had left me. I am sorry, so sorry. Amber, I do love you. I just didn’t know how to tell you and if you would have died that day...” he didn’t finish. He took his hand from Adrienne’s and covered his face with both of them. Adrienne rubbed his back trying to comfort him. I looked at him, really looked at him. He was just as broken as me, just a different type of broken. And what I didn’t realize was how similar we were. We both lost parents when we were young, we both have fought demons in our life, and we both are fucked up.
What shocked me the most is that I believed every word that was spilling out of his mouth. I believed him.
I got up and walked over to him. I sat down next to him and he turned to look at me. I found myself wrapping my arms around him and embraced him. His arms swathed around me so tight and for the first time in a long time I felt love you can only get from a parent. I felt warmth and comfort. I felt...loved.
“I love you, too,” I whispered to him. And I did.
Janet walked in with her hair wet and a towel wrapped around her small body. She had her basket of clothes in her hands.
“Fucking Gina. She needs to go to Wal-mart and ask those old ladies to teach her how to fucking fold underwear and not just throw them in the basket.” Unlike me, Janet didn’t bother to refold them. She just opened one of the three drawers that our small dresser held and dumped them in there. I turned back to folding my clothes when she dropped her towel. She didn’t care who saw her. She actually wanted it, really. She always leaves her shower curtain or our door wide open when she changed so everyone could see her naked body.
Crystal Falls Treatment Center. I have been here at Crystal Falls Treatment Center for twenty three days now. They cater to an array of problems from eating disorders to full blown schizophrenia. It is where all the rich people sent their unruly and misbehaved children according to Janet. Her father’s father was one of the founders of some famous washing detergent. This was her fourth time being here and she was only fifteen. According to her, she’s diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and when she gets too much for her parents, who aren’t there for her anyway, she gets sent here.
“Are your parents going to be coming today?” I put my folded clothes up. I didn’t like when people referred to them as my parents but it was exhausting to always correct people and explain the correction.
“Yeah, I haven’t seen them since the first week. Green Day had some NRDC stuff they had to do. Which is understandable.” Janet scoffed and sat on her bed, fully clothed. Well, clothed enough to cover her boobs and other private parts.
“Yeah, you are way more understanding than I am. Well, at least your parents show up. The only time mine come is if we have a family session. Even then Dr. Taylor has to practically force the fuckers to come.” I sat down on my bed and sighed.
“I think we are having one of those today. I’m nervous. We had one the first week but it wasn’t really a therapy session.” She lied back on her bed and laughed.
“Yeah, I know. It’s just basically introductions and what you guys will be focusing on, yada, yada, yada bullshit.”
“One minute, ladies,” Mrs. Virginia, the head technician, or tech as most people around here call them, called out when she passed our room. Janet flipped her off even though she wasn’t there anymore. It made me laugh. We got up and walked out of our room and down the hall where we got into line with the other people who were here. It was breakfast time. We walked in a line to the cafeteria. When I got my food I sat down at my usual table which I shared with Dorothy. Dorothy lit herself on fire after her boyfriend broke up with her. She had severe burn scars over thirty percent of her body and it was all visible. She didn’t talk during meal times which was fine by me. Janet usually sat with the people with eating disorders.
As I picked apart the muffin I got I started thinking back these few weeks that I’ve been here. The first eight days were the worst. Right when I was discharged from the hospital, the day after Donovan showed up, I was sent here. The first thing they had to do was go through my clothes. They allowed me some pictures but I was told I had to wear tank tops the whole time I was there and I could only wear a jacket when I went outside because the weather was cooling down. It was something about not hiding my scars anymore. Anyway, since Adrienne didn’t pack me any tank tops, mainly because I didn’t have any, she had to go out and buy me some.
After they had gotten back from a quick shopping trip I had a family session with Billie and Adrienne which was basically bullshit just like Janet said. When the pain medication that they had me on at the hospital, enough to not make me sick, wore off, I started to go through full blown withdrawal. And it was the worst pain that I’ve ever been through. I couldn’t eat or sleep because I was in so much pain and I felt like I was going to die. I would get hot and cold at the same time and I sweat so much. I actually lost ten pounds because I wouldn’t hold food down. When I was able to walk and go through the day without wanting to throw up I was put in a room with Janet who first thought I was there because of an eating disorder because of how small I was. But then she saw the scars on my arms and didn’t say anything. Come to think of it, that was the one and only time I’ve ever seen her speechless. I think she realized how fucked up I really was and didn’t have any quips for me. As the days went on I got down with the routine of this treatment facility.
Breakfast at 6:00. School work from 6:30 to 12:30. Lunch at 12:30. Group at 1:00. Art or Music Therapy at 2:00 with Individual therapy happening concurrently every other day. Supper at 5:00. Opportunity to call home at 5:30, which is optional. Free time until lights out. Depending on what level you are on you can use this time to go on the internet. Also, depending when they are instructed to be administered, you get your medicine for the day. I have to take mine before lights out. Visits from family happen during free time and all day on Saturday and Sunday. Once I tried to call Donovan but I got his voicemail, which sucked. I assumed he was at work. That was the only time I called anyone.
There are four levels. Each level allows you different privileges. And to move up in rank of the five levels you simply have to be on your best behavior and show that you are really trying to get better and progressing.
Level One: You are allowed to go to the vending machine anytime you want. I know that doesn’t seem like something to be excited about but they have every type of candy and drink in those vending machines and you don’t get snacks here otherwise.
Level Two: Level One privilege as well as five extra minutes during call time.
Level Three: Level One and Two privileges as well as strict internet time for ten minutes.
Level Four: All privileges from the previous levels as well as not so strict supervised 30 minutes internet time and we got a CD of our choice to listen during Music Therapy.
I’m not on a level because I haven’t been partaking in therapy like I should. I don’t like telling people what happen to me. When each of us first get here we have to sign a non-disclosure form because this place caters to celebrities and their children or relatives. Even so, I still don’t feel comfortable telling a group of my peers what happened to me. I also haven’t been talking to Dr. Jenn, my assigned therapist and one of five therapists on staff, at all and that’s not good. She already knows what happened to me, or what Billie has told her, she doesn’t need to know anything else about me. So I was just going to bide my time here until Billie decides he doesn’t want to pay anymore.
I got up and threw the remnants of my breakfast away and put the tray in its section. Today was Saturday which meant free time all day. They didn’t care what we did. I walked into my assigned room and grabbed the plain black tank top and some white cotton pajama pants. I had jeans but I preferred to be comfortable. I changed into them and grabbed my small caddy that I was given. It had all my toiletries in it. Like my toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, shampoo and all the stuff. I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my brush and ran it through my hair forty times. I knew because I counted and it helped my mind to stay busy. I took the rubber band off my wrist and used it to put my hair into a ponytail. Billie and Adrienne won’t care what I look like.
I walked back into my room with Janet holding a picture of Adrienne, Billie, the boys, and me at the beach that she made Tre take. It was the only picture that had all five of us. I put my caddy on top of my assigned dresser and grabbed the picture, putting it back in its place.
“It’s so crazy that you are Billie Joe Armstrong’s daughter. I bet it’s awesome to be the offspring of someone so fucking hot. I can’t wait to tell my friends who my roommate was this time.” I sat on my bed and looked at her.
“You can’t tell anyone who was here. Didn’t you sign that contract?” She shrugged.
“Like I care about that. I don’t like to be told what to do.” She sat down and crossed her legs. She was wearing really short shorts. She liked showing as much skin as possible because she liked teasing the male techs.
“You can’t tell anyone that I was here. The world doesn’t know my identity and I-”
“Chill, Edward Scissorhands. I’ll make you a deal. Come group Monday you tell us why you are here and what happened to you and I’ll keep my mouth shut, k?” My mouth literally fell open.
“Are you blackmailing me?” She shrugged and lied down on her bed.
“Yup. You get away with not saying anything while everyone is forced to talk about their problems. It’s not fair.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about myself.”
“Blah, blah, blah. I don’t give a shit. Dorothy almost killed herself over her abusive boyfriend and talks about how she still loves him. Amy has a heroin addiction and she talked about how a relative made her give him a hand job. Tabitha’s mom drove her to down a bottle of tylonol. The list goes on and on. Everyone has problems. They had to open up and so do you. So, if I have to blackmail you then I’ll blackmail you. But just so you know it’s not just me, it’s all of us. Get the fuck over yourself.” She got up and walked out. I sighed and flopped back on my bed. I knew I wouldn’t get away with this. I thought it would be Dr. Jenn or Dr. Silva, who runs groups, to call me out but nope. It’s a coup by the other patients who are here.
“Amber, you have two visitors coming today,” Ms. Virginia said with her clipboard in her hand. I sat up.
“I know, thank you for telling me.” I smiled at her.
“Well, Dr. Jenn has your family session scheduled for 10:30. We are also having a movie screening tonight. Here is a list of the movies that are available so just check three movies that you want to see and the one with the most marks is the winner. Choose right quick.” She handed me the list of movies and a marker. We aren’t allowed to have pens or pencils because there was an incident where someone stabbed their leg multiple times. So all we were allowed to have was markers. Even when we did school work we used markers. I checked off three random movies and handed it back to her. She smiled at me before walking out. I curled up in the bed and stared at the three pictures that I had. One was of Donovan and I, one was of my mom, and the third was of all five of us.
I lied there and stared at them. I missed seeing Donovan. I missed talking to him and holding his hand. I even missed Billie and Adrienne and the boys a little. I missed being around people that I knew. I hated it here.
Plus, this place drives my want to cut myself or take a pill. I missed them.
When Becky, Dr. Jenn’s assistant, came and told me that it was time for the family session, my stomach dropped. As I followed her I started to get really anxious. I was excited to see someone I knew but I didn’t want to talk about my problems or anyone else’s problems. I just wanted to leave with Billie and Adrienne when they leave. I wanted my bed, my room, my butterfly box.
Especially my butterfly box.
Becky opened the door for me and my stomach fluttered with butterflies when I saw them sitting on the couch. They both stood up when I walked in. Something inside me wanted to hug them but I stopped myself. Dr. Jenn smiled when she saw me. I walked over to the couch on the opposite side of Billie and Adie and brought my legs up, getting comfortable. Adrienne had a smile on her face, trying hard not to look at my arms. But Billie on the other hand had no qualms staring at my arms. When he saw that I was staring at him, he looked away.
Dr. Jenn took her notepad out and flipped to a clean page.
“Alright we have fifty minutes so let’s make the best of them,” Dr. Jenn said. She was a pretty woman. She had straight as a board blond hair and sharp cut straight bangs. She always wore a blazer with everything that she wore and her engagement ring looked bigger on her thin fingers. She was a no-nonsense kind of person and it was something that I admired and loathed at the same time.
She turned to look at Billie and Adrienne. “I wanted to give you a little update on Amber and her progress. To put it bluntly, there hasn’t been any. She doesn’t participate in group therapy or individual therapy. She doesn’t interact with any of the other patients and mostly stays in her room.” Billie looked at me. He looked upset.
“I think she is just biding her time here until her 90 days are up,” Dr. Jenn added. My ears perked up. I didn’t know I was only allowed to be here for 90 days. I was relieved when I heard that. Only 67 more days till freedom.
“I hope you know that even after your 90 days are up that your parents can re-register you back here.” She was talking to me now. It was like she read my mind or something.
“And we will, even if I have to spend every last dime that I have, you will come back here until you get better.” I sighed angrily.
“Why can’t I just go back to your house?” I asked Billie. He was about to answer but Dr. Jenn cut him off.
“Hold on, why did you say ‘your house’? You don’t see it as your home?” I closed my mouth. I needed to shut up. This is why I didn’t speak here. Just the smallest slip and she catches it like Mr. Miyagi did with that fly using his chopsticks.
“The more you talk, Amber, the quicker you can leave. We can only keep you here for 90 days for insurance purposes but you can leave early if you talk.” I didn’t say anything for a few minutes. I didn’t want to be here anymore and I didn’t want to get shipped back here after I left. I looked at Adrienne. She didn’t have that smile on her face anymore. She just looked worried and hurt. She didn’t deserve to be here. She shouldn’t be here, at this place, at this moment. She didn’t ask for me. I was forced onto her. Why am I making her life more difficult than it should be? I sighed and crossed my arms. Talk and I can leave early. Okay. I can do that.
“No, I don’t,” I answered. Adrienne’s faced changed. More hurt with a little relief thrown in there because I confessed something. I didn’t want to look at Billie.
“Why is that?” Dr. Jenn pressed.
“Because it’s not. The only home I’ve ever had was the apartment that my mom had and my Gran’s house. That’s it.” Dr. Jenn turned to the technical parents on the other couch.
“How do you feel when she says that your home isn’t hers?” Adrienne sighed and wiped a few tears away. Great, I made her cry.
“It hurts. I know that I’m not her mother and I will never be her mother but I thought I made her comfortable in my home.” Her voice started breaking. She was looking at Dr. Jenn.
“I knew it was going to take her sometime to get used to us but those last few weeks before she got here it seemed like she was used to us. Before she was getting moody and getting in trouble at school, she seemed happy. She was talking to us, she was painting her room. She seemed to be getting used to us,” Adrienne said.
“Now that I think back on those moments, I don’t how I was so stupid to not see that she was high. She always had this spacey look on her face and her eyes...her eyes were just lazy looking. It should have been so obvious. I mean, I’ve been around my fair share of drugs and I should have fucking seen it,” Billie added. I hated that they were talking about me like I wasn’t in the room. Dr. Jenn turned to me.
“What to take from what your parents said?” I groaned a little too dramatically.
“Stop calling them that. They aren’t my parents-”
“I am your parent, Amber. I am your father.” I guess I was feeling vindictive because I clapped in Billie’s direction. He looked confused.
“Amber, why are you clapping?” Dr. Jenn asked.
“That’s the first time I have ever heard him acknowledge himself as my father that wasn’t written in a magazine or trying to force me into doing things that I didn’t want to do.” I turned to Billie.
“If I wasn’t photographed with you in that stupid magazine you would have never confessed to the world that I was your daughter. It would ruin your stupid image that you had with Adrienne because everyone would know that the perfect marriage façade was a sham. People would think that you cheated on your precious Adie that you’ve dedicated so many songs to.” I wiped the tears that managed to fall.
“No wonder Mom didn’t tell me about you. You didn’t want me as much as I wanted you when we found out about each other. Why didn’t you just leave me in that hospital room! Our lives would have been so much better.” I squeezed my legs to my chest. I rested my forehead on my knees and rocked myself a little. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to be at Billie’s anymore. I just wanted to go back to when I was 6 years old and dancing with my mom.
“Is that what you think? That I don’t want you?” I didn’t answer. I continued to rock myself which was helping me calm down. I felt someone sit next to me. I knew it was Billie because of his cologne. He liked his Ed Hardy.
“Amber, I love yo-”
“No, you don’t!” I snapped at him. I was looking at him dead in the eyes. “You’ve never told me and you are just saying it to make yourself feel better and to make yourself look better. You don’t love me. No one loves me except Donovan and I don’t even think he loves me anymore. Why would someone love me? How can someone love me? Jim and Carol have told me numerous times that they didn’t love me because I didn’t deserve it. The only person who told me that-that they lo-loved me and m-meant it was my mom. I want her b-back. I want her he-here.” I was hyperventilating now. It was hard to breathe. I didn’t even notice when Billie put his hand on my back. They were silent. They let me cry, or more like sob. After 3 minutes I started to calm down. My chest hurt from crying so much and I was officially emotionally exhausted. I could go to sleep right now.
I wiped my face and Billie’s hand on my back came off. I looked at Dr. Jenn who had a solemn look on her face. Billie got up and sat next to Adrienne who grabbed his hand instantly. I wondered what I looked like to all three of them. They probably only saw this broken little girl whose puzzle pieces of her life scattered in a trail from Sacramento to Berkley to here. I hated their stares.
“I’m going to be honest with you, Amber,” Billie started. I didn’t look at him, “I didn’t know what to do when I found out about you. I didn’t know if you were really mine. When I saw you for the first time lying in that hospital bed I knew that you were Amanda’s instantly and it confirmed to me that you were mine. I was scared shitless. I didn’t know what to do with a teenage daughter. I didn’t know what to do with a teenage daughter who almost died because of her fucking aunt and her piece of shit, rapist of an uncle. I didn’t know. I still don’t. I still don’t fucking know. When I found out that you tried to kill yourself and that you’ve been cutting yourself and taking drugs all under my supervision I hated myself for you. I wasn’t paying enough attention to you. I wasn’t being a parent-a dad. I was being a guardian. I was no better than your aunt and uncle." He took a breath. He had tears falling. I think this was the first time I have ever seen a man cry.
"And I am so, so, so sorry, Amber. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I am so sorry for not paying enough attention to you. I am so sorry for not trying to find Amanda and get answers as to why she had left me. I am sorry, so sorry. Amber, I do love you. I just didn’t know how to tell you and if you would have died that day...” he didn’t finish. He took his hand from Adrienne’s and covered his face with both of them. Adrienne rubbed his back trying to comfort him. I looked at him, really looked at him. He was just as broken as me, just a different type of broken. And what I didn’t realize was how similar we were. We both lost parents when we were young, we both have fought demons in our life, and we both are fucked up.
What shocked me the most is that I believed every word that was spilling out of his mouth. I believed him.
I got up and walked over to him. I sat down next to him and he turned to look at me. I found myself wrapping my arms around him and embraced him. His arms swathed around me so tight and for the first time in a long time I felt love you can only get from a parent. I felt warmth and comfort. I felt...loved.
“I love you, too,” I whispered to him. And I did.