Falling Out

Inhale slowly. Lungs filled to the brim until they start to hurt. Hold for five seconds. Exhale slowly. Feel a little lightheaded.

I gripped my steering wheel tight as I looked straight ahead at the brick building that would probably make me relapse the second I step in.

I wasn’t the only one who thought that this morning.

I grabbed my phone and saw it was 4:30 AM. I sighed angrily and sat up. I got out of bed and walked downstairs into the kitchen. Right when I turned on the light I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Jesus Christ.” I said as I had my hand over my beating heart.

“Close,” Billie said with a smile. He was sitting on top of the counter. Only in his pajama pants. I rolled my eyes before I walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a water. He’s so weird.

“Why are you sitting in the dark...and sitting on top of the counter?” I asked. Billie shrugged.

“It calms me. What are you doing up?” I took a sip of my water and sat down on the stool.

“Couldn’t sleep...obviously...” I took another sip. My stomach felt like it was about to explode with butterflies and nerves with what’s to come today. I am going back to school for the first time in a long time. If I’m nervous now, how am I going to handle when I actually have to go to school? I think I might die with being so nervous.

“Look, all you have is this week and then it’ll be Christmas break and you’ll be out for two weeks.”

“Then why don’t I just...not go?” Billie laughed as he hopped off the counter. He walked around and sat next to me.

“Because you’ve missed a bunch of days already...and you have finals.” I sighed.

“You aren’t worried about the finals, are you?” I shook my head.

“No, Donovan helped me study yesterday so I pretty much have it all crammed but I don’t want to go to school. Everyone will stare at me and point at me and whisper. God, the whispers are going to suck.” I took a big gulp of water. I felt my eyes prick with tears. I really didn’t want to go. I’d rather drop out and work at a fast food restaurant than go to school.

I know what I needed. I needed cold steel and white chemicals. My blood felt like it was about to burst through my skin, wanting, no, needing, some type of release. I don’t think I can handle this. I know I can’t handle this. I can’t go to school. The more I started thinking about it, the harder it was to control myself.

And I started cry.

Like full fledge, blubbering, snotty crying. Billie wrapped his arms around me and I let him.

“Please don’t make me go, Billie. Please?” I asked as I pulled away. Billie tucked some of my hair behind my ear and frowned.

“I wish I could, baby. But Dr. Jenn said you need to go and so does the school.” I brought my hands to my face and continued to cry. Billie wrapped his arms back around me. I couldn’t calm down. I started hyperventilating. Billie squeezed tighter and started singing a song that wasn’t his. I didn’t even recognize the song. But as he kept singing and squeezed me tighter, it calmed me. My breathing started to become regular, my crying slowly subsided. And I felt wore out. Billie got up and helped me to the couch. I lied down and he covered me up. He sat on the loveseat and I fell asleep. A couple hours later he woke me up.

And here I am. Still sitting in my car and contemplating skipping. I sighed when I came to the conclusion that I can’t skip. Not only would I disappoint...well everyone, but I would disappoint myself. I’ve been telling myself I can’t do this but I can. I won’t like it. I will actually hate it. But I can’t change the situation. All I can do is grab the bull by the horns and hope that it doesn’t kill me.

I took a huge breath before grabbing my bag and getting out of my car. As I closed my door, Donovan and Felicia pulled up on the other side of my car. Donovan got out and smiled at me. He walked around and gave me a peck.

“Did you sleep at all?” He asked as he grabbed my hand.

“Like two hours.” Felicia yawned as she approached us.

“Yeah, me too. But I was cramming,” she said as she rubbed her makeup free eyes. It was weird seeing her with no makeup outside of her home. She’s usually a stickler with putting on at least mascara and eyeliner. All three of us turned towards the school and sighed simultaneously, all for different reasons though.

“Well, let’s get this over with.” Donovan said and we started walking. As we approached the front steps it was so far, so good. No one was really paying attention because the few people who were sitting outside were studying. Faces crammed into books and not paying attention to the girl who tried to kill herself at Tyler Cooper’s party weeks ago. But what a lot of people don’t know is this girl actually succeeded. I was glad that no one knew.

We walked through the front door and I tried not to look around. There were more people and I could definitely feel some stares stabbing me in the back as I walked past people. We wound up going to our lockers. I didn’t need anything in mine but it was a great shield against people staring at me. I just stared at the inside of my locker, trying to control my breathing.

“Is that her?”
“That’s the girl that slit her wrists at Tyler’s party.”
“That bitch sent my dealer to jail.”
“She doesn’t look like she’s been in the crazy house.”

I sighed as I closed my locker. Donovan gave me a smile. Right then the bell rang telling us that we need to get to class. Donovan grabbed my hand and we started walking towards class. More and more people started looking my way. And more whispers.

“I wonder what her arms look like.”
“Did you see Tyler’s bathroom? It looked like someone got murdered.

Just ignore them. Just ignore them.

I heard she fucked all of Tyler’s friends for pills.
Really? I heard she let Tyler cut her because she was into that.

Just. Ignore. Them.

“Donovan is too good for that crazy bitch.”

“Okay, that’s it.” Felicia stopped dead in her tracks and started walking to the girl who said those hateful words. Oh, great. She doesn’t need to get in trouble because of what some stupid girl said about me.

“Felicia, please don’t.” She ignored me.

“What did you just say about my brother and his girlfriend?” Felicia asked the girl. The girl’s face paled as Felicia got closer to her.

“N-n-nothing-”

“Oh, now you don’t have anything to say? You have no fucking right to say anything about that girl over there. She has been through more shit than the three brain cells in that small fucking brain of yours can comprehend. What gives you the right-or any of you in this fucking hallway-to say cruel things about Amber? You all have no fucking clue what went on which means you don’t have the right to whisper behind her back.” She was speaking really loud now. She focused her attention back to the girl, who was pretty much cowering against the wall.

“If I hear anything out of your mouth about me or my family I will reach down your throat, rip out your fucking vocal chords, and strangle you with them. Got it?” The girl nodded furiously. Felicia turned around and walked back to us as the tardy bell rang. Everyone rushed to get to their classes. Of course, the little distraction in the hallway made us three one of the last people to enter Altman’s class but he didn’t say anything.

“Okay, so we are just going to review what’s going to be on your exam tomorrow. I hate to say this because it’s going to make a lot of you hate me but the exam is going to be a comprehensive exam which basically means everything that you’ve learned from the beginning of the year will be on there.” Groans, moans, and heavy sighs could be heard throughout the room. Including the brother and sister duo that sat next to me.

“So, let’s get to it! Yeah, math!” He was so weird. I pulled my notebook out and wrote everything that he wrote on the white board which was a healthy distraction. I just concentrated learning the materials and not the obvious wandering eyes of people in front of me getting a look at suicide girl. Man, I should have a banner and start charging a dollar every time someone tried to, to them, inconspicuously take a look at me.

And that goes for the creepy teacher who kept on staring at me.

Soon, the bell rang and my stomach dropped. That only meant another walk of shame outside with more people. I took a breath. Just don’t worry about it. It’s okay. Everyone got up and started packing their stuff up.

“God, that test is going to blow harder than Jason F. on a saxophone during King For a Day.” I smiled at her reference. She zipped up her bag.

“We just have to study like crazy,” Donovan sighed. Then he sighed hard.

“Fuck, I forgot I have to work tonight.” Donovan ran his hand through his hair. I grabbed his hand as we proceeded to walk out.

“You both can stay at my house tonight and we can study. I’m sure Billie and Adrienne wouldn’t care.” I passed Altman who just gave me a smile. I looked away. God, he was so creepy.

“That would be awesome,” Donovan smiled. He let go of my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. When we reached my second period class my heart began to beat fast when I realized that I will be in this class alone. I looked at Donovan and he knew what I was thinking.

“It’s okay. I’ll be out here when you get out.” He leaned down and kissed me. He brought his lips to my ear and whispered that he loved me. I kissed him again and walked inside before I had a chance to run. I crossed my arms to stop my hands from shaking. I avoided everyone’s eye contact and sat down in my usual seat. As the teacher started giving a brief review before she handed the tests, I found myself looking at Tyler’s seat. It was weird seeing it empty but I was glad that it was. I jolted back to reality when Mrs. Parnes set the test in front of me.

“Welcome back and good luck.” I nodded and pulled my pencil out. I stared at the short answer test. I could do this. Distraction.

I wound up being the first one finished. I quietly got up and walked up to Mrs. Parnes desk and handed her my test. She looked at it and then me.

“Are you sure you are finished?” I nodded. She gave me a look that basically said ‘you’ve been in the loony bin for weeks and you are the first one to be done? You probably failed. Just like you failed at suicide. Of course, I only know what I heard from those two STD laced sluts were gossiping in the hall.’

Well, maybe I exaggerated a little bit...okay, a lot of bit.

“Okay, you can go to the library to study for your next exam.” I turned around and grabbed my stuff before I began walking towards the library. I enjoyed the empty hallway. Free of noise, whispers, stares...

But not free of collisions.

“Oh, sorry,” I said as I bumped into someone. I looked up and saw Josh and my heart sank. He didn’t say anything, just stared at me for a few seconds before walking past me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I continued to walk to the library. I walked through the stacks and to the back of the library. I sat down at one of the comfy chairs that they had and pulled out my math notes. Might as well try and make this understandable for Donovan and Felicia. As I was re-writing my notes, I felt someone staring at me. I glanced up and saw this guy staring at me. When our eyes connected, he looked away and started putting up the books from the library cart. I went back to transcribing when I felt his stare again. I don’t know what it was, maybe it was being already fed up with people staring at me all the time or whispering or looking down on me, but I snapped.

“Why the fuck are you staring at me?” I asked abruptly. He jumped, accidently knocking over the books in the library cart. He looked at me.

“I’m sorry. I – I – I didn’t mean to stare. I was just...” he sighed. He started picking up the books that were dropped.

“I was just thinking how someone could hurt so bad that they resort to...you know...” I sighed.

“You don’t know me or what I’ve been through-”

“I actually do know,” he said as he stood up. I gave him a look that basically said that he was full of shit. He put the remaining books on the cart.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I went to Sacramento High last year. I had Mrs. Schechter’s Creative English class with you. We read Jane Eyre.” My heart started to beat faster.

“We all heard the stories about what happened. About how you almost died because your aunt tried to drown you. Plus, it was in the news paper...”

“I don’t remember you...” He nodded, putting a book up.

“It’s cool. I was invisible even to the invisible people.” I started to feel bad. But then I started to worry. He knew. He knew what happened to me and possibly who my father was and everything. He probably saw that magazine and noticed it was me that was leaving that clinic.

Oh, my God.

Everyone at SHS probably knew who I was. Everyone there probably knew that I got an abortion and who my father was. If this guy heard that information about how I was almost killed then more than likely, everyone heard about it.

I’m going to be sick.

It was silent as I silently had an anxiety attack. So when they bell rang, I jumped out of my skin. I closed up my books and packed my bag up.

“It was nice meeting you.” I said politely. I needed to get out of here. He smiled and nodded. I got up and practically ran out of the library. I didn’t like that he knew so much about me. I didn’t like it at all. I walked into the room and sat in my usual seat. No one was in this class with me and it saddened me. I really needed them right now. I heard something fall in the front and when I looked up I saw it was that guy from the library. He leaned down and picked up the book he dropped. And he was walking towards me. He sat in the seat next to me and smiled.

He leaned towards me. “My name is Eric, by the way.” I didn’t know what to do but just nod. How in the world did I not notice he was in this class with me? Was I really so wrapped up in my own world that I never noticed him?

Yes, yes I was.

Thank goodness that we had a final in this class because I didn’t want to talk to him. About twenty minutes into the exam, Eric got up. As he got up, he put his hand on my desk and when he lifted it up, there was a piece of paper. He walked up to the front of the room and dropped his test off. Before he walked out, he turned to look at me and gave me a smile. I literally shuddered.

I got bad vibes from him. Bad, bad vibes. I opened the piece of paper and noticed it was his number. I put the piece of paper in my bag, noting that I needed to throw it away later.

When the bell rang I quickly got up and walk out of the classroom. I was expecting Donovan to be there but right then my phone binged. I took my phone out of my pocket and saw that it was Donovan telling me to meet him in the cafeteria. I sighed and walked down the hall alone, trying to keep my head down. I didn’t want to cause anyone discomfort by looking at them. I know that was ridiculous but...taken from the events this morning with Felicia, I didn’t want anything else to happen. Luckily everyone felt the same way. I didn’t hear whispers or jabs at me. I didn’t know if people stared at me but they probably did. Even though I hate stares, I’d rather stares than harsh words.

I ignored the food line and went straight to the table that Donovan and Felicia were sitting at. As well as two other people. I slowed down. The first person I noticed was a girl. She was sitting between Donovan and Felicia. She had Asian features and her long hair was jet black with one singular blue streak on the right side of her face. She was about the same size of Felicia.

And lo and behold, she had Green Day shirt on. Does everyone at this school like Green Day?

Donovan looked up and spotted me. He shot up and jogged to me because I didn’t realize that I was stopped in the middle of the cafeteria. He wrapped his arms around me. I looked around and noticed people were staring, especially the girl at the table. He leaned down and kissed me.

“Come on, I want you to meet a couple of people.” He grabbed my hand and we walked to the table. I sat really close to Donovan. I didn’t like meeting new people. That was something I hated even when I lived with Carol. I guess because new people could see something that those I’ve been around longer didn’t see? Maybe?

But now with what happened, I loathed meeting new people and I was angry, which I was shocked about. I didn’t want to meet new people on the first day back. I wanted to lay low and hang out with my boyfriend and his sister. But that’s not the case.

Of course, I tried to keep my face neutral.

“Amber this is Will,” Donovan said as he motioned to the other person sitting at the table. He had red hair, like ginger red hair, and was about as pale as Felicia. He had just a taste of freckles over the bridge of his nose and pale green eyes. He didn’t wear a band shirt but wore a white shirt with back sleeves that had the words “Chill Town” in the center. I had no clue what that meant. Which isn’t surprising...

“Hey, nice to meet you.” He held out his hand and I gingerly shook his.

“And this is Jun.” Jun gave me a polite smile but didn’t offer to shake my hand, thank goodness.

“Nice to meet you. I’ve heard great things about you.” I did all that I could not to make a face. I managed to muster a polite smile. Donovan wrapped his arm around my waist and he put his tray in front of me. It had a turkey sandwich, some green grapes, a muffin, and a bottle of water. I smiled and looked at him.

“Thank you.” I leaned in and kissed him. It was more food than I would normally eat but I found myself really hungry. I guess all this worrying worked up an appetite. I grabbed some grapes and began eating. And that’s all I did basically the whole lunch period. I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation that picked right back up where they left off. I just stared at my food and slowly ate, feeling a little bit uncomfortable. I glanced up a couple of times and saw that Jun girl looking at me, which made me even more uncomfortable. When the bell rang indicating that lunch period was over, I sighed inwardly in relief.

“I have to go to the library right quick so tell Morello that I’ll be a little late to class, okay?” Jun said to Felicia. My heart sank. She was in our next class? Am I really that oblivious that I didn’t notice a beautiful Asian girl in our class?

“Okay, no problem.” The rest of the day held no exams, which I was thankful for, and was pretty uneventful. Jun sat behind us in our class after lunch so that explained why I had never notice her. But I still felt stupid for not noticing. When we got to his car I wrapped my arms around Donovan and rested my head on his chest.

“I don’t want you to go to work.” Donovan ran his hand up and down my back, trying to comfort me.

“It’s only for five hours then I’ll be at your house studying and sneaking into your bedroom and making out in no time.” I lifted my head and he kissed me.

“Can’t wait.”

“Yuck, you two need to get a room.” Felicia said as she walked up to us...with Jun and Will by her side. I didn’t mind Will. He seemed nice and wasn’t really all that threatening. But Jun just rubbed me the wrong way. I hated change. Jun was here, Eric creeping me out at library...

“Amber, can you take Jun, Will, and I to the apartment complex so I can get some clothes for tonight?”

“Sure, but why am I taking Will and Jun?” I hoped it didn’t come off as rude and by Felicia’s face, it might have.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come off that way.” I apologized quickly. Donovan came quick to my rescue.

“Don’t apologize. They live in our apartment complex. Will lives on the same floor as we do and Jun lives on the top floor.” I leaned in closer to Donovan.

“That’s fine,” I said. I gave Donovan a kiss and he got into his car. I sighed as I watched him leave. We walked to my car and got in, Felicia sitting in the front. It was super awkward. After not making a good impression with the two in the back, I decided to start a conversation with Will.

“What does your shirt mean?” I asked Will. Jun and Felicia groaned.

“Don’t get him started,” Felicia said. Will smiled.

“It’s the greatest alliance in Big Brother history. Dr. Will and Mike Boogie. See it started in season two...” and I tuned him out after that. I nodded in a few spots and added some cools and awesomes in there. When I pulled up to their apartment complex, they got out. I opted to stay in the car while Felicia packed some clothes. I pulled my phone out and dialed Adrienne’s number. I totally forgot to ask if it was okay for Donovan to stay. Felicia is a no brainer but my boyfriend? Yeah, that might take some convincing.

“It’s okay if he stays but he’s going to have to stay in the guest room beside mine and Billie’s room. It’s not that I don’t trust you, because I do, but you are a teenager.”

“I understand, Adrienne. I would take the same precautions as you. Thank you.” We hung up as Felicia got in the car. We pulled out of the apartment complex and she was uncharacteristically quiet. About halfway home, I couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Did I make you angry or something?” I asked. Felicia looked up from her phone.

“What? Why would you ask that?”

“Because you aren’t talking to me and you usually fill the silence with just random ramblings.” She laughed.

“I’m sorry. I was texting Tre.” I nodded. It was silent again and I sighed lightly. I decided to break the silence again.

“What is Jun’s story?” Felicia sighed.

“Are you mad that we didn’t tell you that we started eating lunch with different people? I mean, Donovan told me that we should have told you beforehand because you looked mad and scared at the same time...”

“Not mad, I was just taken aback...and shocked. I wasn’t expecting to be other people there.”

“Well, we used to eat with Jun and Will all the time but we went our separate ways and when you went....away, Jun and Will sat with us and we just started hanging out again. They were a great support system.” I didn’t say anything and it didn’t go unnoticed that she totally averted my question about Jun. And it just made me paranoid. Who is she? Why was she staring at me earlier? It wasn’t the, “that’s the crazy girl” stare, it was more like “who is this bitch?” stare. She and Donovan probably have a past together, and not a friend past. More like they probably used to have sex on a regular basis, past.

We pulled up at the house and I was basically on autopilot. I went straight to my room. I sat on my bed and sighed. I didn’t really put too much thought in Donovan’s past relationships. The only time I really ever thought of it was when we got close to sex a couple of times. And I never really thought I would actually meet one of his girlfriends. I sighed. I’m probably making too big of a deal of this. No probably, I am making a big deal of this. I got up and changed my clothes, black pajama pants and a sleeveless shirt that I had to wear at the center. I didn’t even realize that I was wearing this shirt until I walked downstairs and Felicia’s eyes were big as saucers, which made me incredibly self conscious. I was about to run upstairs to put Billie’s jacket on when someone grabbed my from behind and lifted me up, shaking me back and forth.

And I screamed because it took me by surprise. It took me a few seconds to realize it was Tre.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said when he put me down. I didn’t say anything. I ran back upstairs and shut my door, tears streaming down my face. I was embarrassed mostly. I heard a knock at the door.

“Amber?” Felicia softly said. I wiped my face and grabbed Billie’s jacket that I kept on the back of my desk chair. I zipped it all the way up before opening the door. She gave me a small smile before walking in. I closed the door.

“I’m sorry that...I reacted that way, all shocked and stuff when I saw your arms. I was just taken by surprise and I’m one of those people who can’t keep their composure around things that shocks them or makes them happy or angry and I just let my emotions take a hold externally and-”

“It’s okay, Felicia.” I cut her rambling off. She took a deep breath, which is when I noticed she was trying not to cry. Which didn’t work.

“I’m sorry.” She started fanning her face with her hands, trying to stop crying. It didn’t work. She cried more.

“I understand that almost getting killed by your aunt and uncle could have major ramifications on your emotions as well as Tyler doing what he did but I just...I didn’t expect it to be...so bad...” She sat on my bed. That’s when it hit me. I remember telling her about my aunt and uncle when she first found out that who my father was but she didn’t know everything which meant that Donovan didn’t tell her.

I told him knowing there was a possibility of him telling Felicia because they are twins, for crying out loud. But he didn’t. He kept that information to himself. It made my heart swell thinking that he kept my secret.

But I realize that it wasn’t his secret to tell. It’s mine. And I hated telling it to everyone because it made me relive it. Over and over again. And with every person who knows makes it more available for everyone to know. But I needed to tell her. She’s my best friend. Besides Donovan, she’s my only friend. I sat beside her. I grabbed her hand.

And I told her.