Falling Out

“I’m sorry.” She started fanning her face with her hands again, trying to stop crying. It didn’t work. She cried more.

“I understand that almost getting killed by your aunt and uncle could have major ramifications on your emotions as well as Tyler doing what he did but I just...I didn’t expect it to be...so bad...” She sat on my bed. That’s when it hit me. I remember telling her about my aunt and uncle when she first found out that who my father was but she didn’t know everything which meant that Donovan didn’t tell her.

I told him with the possibility of him telling Felicia because they are twins, for crying out loud. But he didn’t. He kept that information to himself. It made my heart swell thinking that he kept my secret.

But I realize that it wasn’t his secret to tell. It’s mine. And I hated telling it to everyone because it made me relive it. Over and over again. And with every person who knows makes it more available for everyone to know. But I needed to tell her. She’s my best friend. Besides Donovan, she’s my only friend. I sat beside her. I grabbed her hand. And I told her.

Her crying got worse. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close and kept on saying she was sorry and that she loved me. All things you would expect from a person who just found out her best friend was raped and abused her whole life. We sat like that for about five minutes before she pulled away and wiped her eyes. Her face was super red because of her pale skin which made it obvious that she has been crying. She looked at me.

“Does Tre know?” I shrugged.

“He knows the reason I went to the clinic and what my aunt and uncle did to me but...I don’t think he knows the rest. The only people I’ve told are Billie and Donovan. Adrienne probably knows because Billie tells her everything. But other than those two...I don’t know.” I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. Felicia got up and walked over to my full length mirror. She groaned at her appearance.

“I hate being so pale. I always sunburn like 5 seconds out in the sun and every time I get upset my face just swells with blood. I get that from my dad. He’s like a ghost where as Donovan got my mom’s skin tone.” She went to her bag and pulled out some powder, trying to make her face less blotchy. She groaned when it didn’t work.

“Whatever. I’ll just tell them that I was stressing over the math test tomorrow or something.” She grabbed her hair and tied it in a bun. She then decided to change her clothes into something more comfortable. And I know this is going to sound weird but I kept glancing at her when she was changing. Her skin was so clear. So white. She had a few moles here and there but her skin was just clean. Once she was finished we walked back downstairs. We walked into the basement where Billie, Tre, and Mike were playing. When Billie saw us he stopped singing.

“Hey, kiddo, how was school today?” I just shrugged. Billie nodded, knowing that we will talk about it later.

“Is this new Green Day gold I’m hearing?” Felicia asked as she sat down on the couch. She grabbed my hand and made me sit by her. She basically snuggled up to me. She was an odd one.

“Yes, it is. You’re lucky we don’t drag both of your asses up those stairs because we usually don’t like audiences; especially crazy, neurotic, and obsessive fans like yourselves,” Tre said, smiling. Felicia flipped him off when the others weren’t looking, which made Tre laugh. We sat there as they played some more, no more new music though. About an hour later Adrienne yelled that dinner was here and we all went upstairs to the four pizzas, which made me think of Donovan even though they were from a different chain, that she ordered and salad that Brittney made. We all sat at random parts in the kitchen. Felicia wound up sitting at the breakfast table with Adrienne, Brittney, Mike and Tre. Billie, myself, and the boys sat at the snack bar. I was working on my second slice of pizza when Billie started talking to me.

“You gonna tell me how school was today?” I shrugged and took a bite, not really wanting to talk about it.

“Felicia told me that some girl was being a bitch to you...” I sighed and took another bite.

“Did she tell you that she flipped out on the girl? Did she tell you that her and Donovan totally blindsided me with sitting with two random people that I’ve never met and didn’t think to tell me? And did she tell you that one of those random people is a girl named Jun who I am pretty sure used to date Donovan and was wearing a Green Day shirt? Gosh, why do you have to make great music that everyone likes and makes it harder for me to tell people that you are my dad?” I said low enough for Billie to hear me. Billie just stared at me.

“I’m sorry?” I smiled a little bit and took another bite.

“And she did tell me she confronted that girl but she did not tell me the rest. Did you think that Donovan, who’s a good looking dude, didn’t have previous relationships with other girls that went to your school?”

“I know he had other girlfriends but we just...never spoke about them before.”

“You don’t even know for sure if this Jun girl dated him anyway so why are you freaking out and making your already stressful life even more stressful?”

“Trust me, the way this girl was glaring at me while Donovan had his arm around me confirmed that they used to date. I bet she was attempting to start dating him again if I hadn’t come back.” Billie sighed.

“Look, just don’t worry about it. You have Donovan, not her. Concentrate on school and staying healthy.” I nodded. It was weird talking to Billie about this. Well, not all weird. It was actually nice having someone wanted to know how my day was, even if he was mostly worried if I had a bad day that might result in me harming myself.

After my third slice of pizza and second salad, I was stuffed. I didn’t realize how hungry I was. Felicia and I washed the dishes as Tre “supervised” us. Since no one was around, he just mainly told Felicia how great her butt looked in pajama shorts she was wearing, in which she started shaking it. It was all awkwardly funny. Before we left the kitchen Felicia snuck a kiss in with Tre, in which he grabbed her butt. After Tre left, Adrienne, Billie, Felicia, and I sat in the living room and watched TV for a while until I heard a car door shut. I got up and met Donovan at the door. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. It heated up pretty quick as he pushed me against the wall, our lips never parting. His hand ran up my side, touching bare skin, then up my back. As his hand moved up, my skin felt like it was on fire. A good fire. I heard distant coughing which made me pull away instantly.

“Wow. What brought that on?” Donovan asked. I smiled.

“Maybe I’m just giving you a preview of what’s going to happen tonight.” He grinned before leaning down and bringing our lips together briefly.

“I need to go take a shower. I smell like pizza.” He grabbed his duffel bag that he must have dropped on the floor that I didn’t even know he had.

“We ordered pizza tonight but it was from Papa Johns.” Donovan gave mock anger but then his smile came back.

“I don’t care. That was less pizza I had to make.” I grabbed his hand and we walked into the living room. He said hey to everyone.

“I’m going to go show him the guest room.” Billie shook his head.

“No, Felicia can show him.”

“Huh?” At the sound of her name, she took her eyes off the movie we were watching.

“Go show Donovan the guest room, please.” She sighed and stood up.

“Can you at least pause the movie?” Billie smiled and paused the movie for her.

“Thank you.” She walked up the stairs with her brother behind her. I sat down on the couch, bringing my legs up. I looked over at Billie and he was staring at me.

“What?” I asked. Adrienne planted an amused smile on her face.

“Do I have to go over the rules with you?” Before I could tell him no he stood up and began tacking the rules off his fingers while pacing.

“One: you three should not stay up no later than one. I know you three are studying but you still need a decent amount of sleep. Two: If you mess the kitchen up, clean it, which I don’t have to tell you that. Three: No canoodling, cuddling, making out, or anything that may result in sexual activity. Capicse?” Well, that escalated quickly. Adrienne thought the same because she started laughing. Billie shot her a look that just made her laugh louder.

“Understood.” I said with a smile. Just then Felicia ran down the stairs and sat back in her regular spot.

“Okay, play it!” She yelled as she pointed to the TV. Billie sat down and pressed play. A few minutes into the resumed movie, I got up and started up the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Billie asked. I turned to look at him.

“I’m going to get my school stuff so I can get it set up and when we start studying. You want to hold my hand while I do it?” I didn’t mean it in a moody teenager way. Adrienne snorted. Billie just sighed through his nose, which I took as permission to go upstairs. I went into my room and grabbed my book bag. As I walked past the bathroom, I heard the water shut off. I was so tempted to walk in there but I decided against it. Didn’t want to linger too long and give Billie the idea that I was trying to fuck Donovan in the shower. I walked through the living room and into the kitchen. I set out all the materials in a neat order before sitting down. I started writing out the practice equations when I heard a loud groan, no doubt from Felicia. I heard a chair scraping the floor and Felicia sat down with a huff. Donovan was at the refrigerator pulling out some turkey, lettuce, bread, and condiments to make a sandwich.

“There’s leftover pizza, you know.” Donovan glared at his sister, who just smiled at him. I sat there and admired him as he made his sandwich. His hair was still slightly wet and stringy from the towel dry. His face was a little flushed from the shower. He likes his water really hot. He wasn’t jock muscular but his arms were toned. And they looked good in that gray wife beater.

“You are so fucking funny, Felicia. So funny that I forgot how to laugh.” She rolled her eyes and looked down at the math material. She groaned again.

“Why? Why does God hate me?” She rested her forehead on the table. Donovan came over— wearing star wars pajama pants, might I add— and patted her back while he took a bite of his sandwich. He sat next to me and offered me a bite of his sandwich. I normally would say no but for some reason I was hungry so I took a bite. He smiled his perfect smile.

“Oh, gross.” Felicia said. I was about to say that letting Tre grab her ass was just as gross to me but then I remember Donovan didn’t know. And then I realized I was keeping something from him and I promised him that I wouldn’t. But what was I supposed to do? How was I going to choose between my best friend and my boyfriend?

There I go, making things complicated again.

“This is going to sound like something Felicia would say because, you know, she’s crazy and obsessive, but it’s so weird that I am going to stay in the guest room of a world famous rock star. And I know you hate it when people bring that up but...it’s so cool.” Felicia and I looked at each other before we burst into laughter. Donovan rolled his eyes and took a bite of his sandwich.

“I knew I should have kept that in my head.”

“Wow, maybe if I had study groups like this I would have stayed in school.” Billie chimed in as he grabbed a water from the refrigerator.

“Billiiiiieeee, Donovan was just talking about you,” Felicia said, laughing. If looks could kill...Felicia would be dead with the look her brother was giving her. Billie walked over.

“Really, now. I hope good things were said?” Donovan flushed.

“Let’s not talk about this, please?” I squeezed his leg.

“We are just poking fun.” He smiled, telling me that he knows. He was about to lean in to kiss me but he thought against it when he looked up at Billie staring at us.

“Well, I’ll leave you guys to it. Don’t stay up past one. Adie and I are probably about to go to bed so don’t make too much noise. Have fun.” We waved him off and started studying. Felicia groaned most of the time. About 11:30 Felicia called it quits for a moment to get something to eat. Donovan scooted my chair next to him and kissed me.

“So, how are we going to continue that awesome preview you showed me earlier tonight?” I smiled.

“I don’t know. Mayb-”

“At about two o’clock you text Donovan to make sure he’s up because he’s a grandpa and falls asleep right when his head hits the pillow and you just walk across to his room. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure that out,” Felicia interrupted.

“Well...I was going to say something similar to that before you interrupted,” I said as she took a bite of cold pizza and pointed between us.

“Great minds think alike.” She said with her mouth slightly full. I rolled my eyes.

“Speaking of which, let’s finish this. The sooner we go over it, the faster we will be through.” I received another groan from Felicia and we continued to study. I was a little distracted, though. I kept on thinking about later on tonight when Donovan and I will be alone. How far will we go? All the way? Not so all the way?

My mind trailed to Jun. I still couldn’t help wonder how far their relationship got to or if they were even in a relationship. I looked at Donovan as he did some of the practice questions. Will I ever...be enough for him? Will I ever satisfy him in a way that he needs to be? I feel like I am just wasting his time when he could be having an awesome time with someone like Jun and not have to carry so much of my baggage for me.

Donovan looked up and caught me staring at him. He gave me his greatest lopsided smile.

“Want to check my work, Ms. Benson?” I smiled and grabbed his practice questions.

“You know what’s wild? Amber has been away for weeks and she is still smarter than both of us when it comes to this stuff.” I mustered up a smile, knowing she was making light of a terrible situation but I didn’t want to think about it.

“Yeah, wild.” Felicia checked her phone and a smile crept on her face.

“One o’clock. Let’s call this a night. I can’t cram anymore. Come what may as Christian sang to Satine.” I gave Felicia an odd look.

“Moulin Rouge.” Donovan informed me. I nodded before we packed up all out materials and headed upstairs. I kissed Donovan before going into my room with Felicia. Felicia lied down on the bed and let out a sigh of relief.

“I love your bed.”

“It’s not going to bother you if I took your jacket off, will it?” She sat up and shook her head.

“You can be comfortable around me.” I nodded and took Billie’s jacket off. It felt nice to feel the breeze of the heater on my arms. I grabbed one of my medicine bottles from my desk, opting to not take my sleeping pills because of how late it was. I opened the bottle and took out the capsule. I grabbed the bottle of water and took it. Before I walked over and lied down with her, I turned the lights off. We were facing each other.

“Tre asked me out on a date tonight,” Felicia whispered. I smiled.

“That’s nice. Where are you two going to go?” She shrugged.

“It’s not going to be until after my birthday but he said he wanted to take me somewhere I’ve never been to, which is a lot of places. I told him I was fine hanging out with him at his house because I’m a simple girl but he wouldn’t have it. He wants to show me a good time.”

“That’s awesome. Wait, when did he tell you this? We’ve been together all night.”

“When you were changing.”

“Oh, okay.” We were silent.

“My brother hasn’t pressured you into anything, has he?” Felicia asked randomly. I shook my head.

“No. He’s been really patient with me. He doesn’t understand how I could have sex with Tyler but not him, though.”

“Because you didn't love Tyler and want it to be special with DonDon.”

“That, and I was driven by my addiction to drugs and was totally fucked up both times. But the second time was more...rape than anything.” I felt her hand grab mine under the covers.

“I’m sorry. My brother can be stupid sometimes when it comes to sex.”

“Has he...has he had sex a lot?” I heard her sigh.

“You can’t ask me those questions, Amber. I would answer you but that’s a conversation both of you should have that doesn’t involve me.”

“Oh, goodness. He has, hasn’t he?”

“Just...talk to him. Not tonight but another night. Okay?” I nodded. She yawned and turned her back towards me.

“Goodnight, Amber. Try not to wake me up when you sneak out.” I laughed softly. A few minutes later I heard light snoring. I started to clear my mind, trying to get mentally prepared for tonight. I know we aren’t going to have sex, that’s a definite, but we might do something else and if that’s the case then I need to be calm.

When two o’clock rolled by I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Donovan asking if he was awake. He replied a second later stating that he was. I slowly got out of the bed that I was sharing with Felicia, trying not to wake her. She wouldn’t care that I was sneaking into Donovan’s room, I mean, hell, she basically came up with this plan. She would care, though, if I woke her up period. She loves her sleep.

I walked over to my door and held my breath as I slowly turned the knob to open my door. I peeked out and saw that no one was in the hall. As lightly as I could, I closed the door behind me and walked a little down the hall and quickly opened the guest bed room door and gently shut it. Donovan came up behind me and wrapped his arms around waist. My heart was thudding in my ears from sneaking in here and him wrapping his arms around me like that didn’t slow it down. I turned around in his arms and brought my lips onto his. He led us to the bed and we landed on top of it, me on top of him and our lips never separating. His hands explored the bare skin of my back. I felt him smile against my lips when he noticed I was wearing a bra.

I pulled away and got off of him, laying my head down on the pillows. He crawled on the bed and positioned himself on my left to where he was halfway on top of me. We started kissing again and I felt his hand go up my shirt. My heart pounded louder in my ears as he slowly brought his hand around my breast. I slight moan escaped as his tongue did dances in my mouth and his hand massaging my breast. Seconds later, his hand left my breast and started going down until it was at the edge of my pajama pants. He pulled away and looked at me. The cast of light from the light post outside gave enough glow for me to see his beautiful face.

“Is this okay?” Before I could think, I was nodding. He smiled and kissed me before he brought his lips to my neck. I tried to calm my breathing as his hands broke the barrier of my underwear and reached where he wanted to go. His mouth found mine for a heavy kiss before he rested his forehead against mine, his breath hitting my lips. I spread my legs slightly, giving him better access. Before I knew, I was biting my lip and closing my eyes.

And I was transported to a place that I didn’t want to go.

I was in that small room, in that small house, surrounded by those walls which have seen too much. I felt his weight on top of me as I willingly and unwillingly spread my legs for him. If I didn’t do it, he would have done it in a way that I didn’t like. I squeezed my eyes shut, turned my head to the right, and wishing this moment would hurry up and be over.

I didn’t realize my body had went limp and the hand that was gently scratching Donovan’s back had fell to my side as I resumed the pose that I knew so well.

“Amber?” I heard Jim say lowly. But it wasn’t Jim. It was Donovan. I opened my eyes and saw the guest bedroom door. I turned my head to face Donovan. I barely made out a worry expression on his face. His hand wasn’t there anymore. I sat up and ran my hand through my hair before getting out of his bed completely.

“I’m sorry,” I said to him before I walked out. I didn’t bother shutting the door. My feet led me down the stairs, through the living room and the kitchen. I mindlessly put the alarm number in before I opened the door that led to the backyard. I walked over to the side of the pool and sat down, bringing my legs to my chest and hugging them tight. I took a few deep breaths of outside air before the tears came. I rested my forehead on top of my knees and cried.

Why can’t he just leave me alone? Why can’t I have a moment with my boyfriend without being transported to the room? I hated what he had done to me. How he made me into this girl who can’t even be the slightest intimate with her boyfriend without going back there. I dug my nails into my legs and rocked back and forth slightly to try to calm myself.

If I had pills I wouldn’t have had a problem with it. I knew I wouldn’t. I hated that they were gone because they helped me so much. They helped me get through my days and-

No. No, I couldn’t think of them that way. I don’t need to romanticize them. They weren’t good for me.

I didn’t hear the door behind me open. I jumped slightly when I felt someone’s arms wrap around me. I knew from the smell of shampoo, well the smell of my shampoo, that it was Donovan. He brought me close to him and gently rubbed my arm.

“I’m sorry.” I told him again.

“No, I’m sorry. I just thought…you said it was okay and I should have thought against it. It won’t happen again-”

“Yes, it will. It’ll happen every single time, Donovan. I’m giving you the option now to leave because it will take a long time for me to get this under control. If you want to go back to Jun or date any other girl, now is the time to leave. I won’t be mad at you, I promise.” As those words left my mouth, I started to cry harder. He didn’t deserve to be going through this. He deserves a girl whose uncle didn’t rape her, whose aunt didn’t try to kill her, a girl who wasn’t pathetic, a girl with clean skin. Not me. I didn’t deserve him.

“What? You think after everything I would just leave? I’m not my father, Amber. I don’t leave when it gets tough. I'm going to be here as long as you'd want me. I’m not leaving." Tears flooded out of me once more. We stayed like that for a few more minutes before I got cold. He grabbed my hand and we walked back into our perspective rooms where I fell asleep as soon as my head touched the pillow.