Falling Out

My leg was shaking as I sat in the chair in the doctor’s office. I hated hospitals, even doctor’s offices, but who didn’t? I don’t think a normal person actually liked coming to these places because that means that they are hurt in some way. That means they had to go through some sort of pain to find themselves here. This is usually the place where you find that something is wrong with you. I already knew something was wrong with me.

I have been sick these past couple of weeks. I’ve been vomiting and having a lot of abdominal pain as well as my ribs never seem to be healing. Plus, I needed a refill on my medication.

I sat in the middle between Billie and Adrienne. I wasn’t worried because I was sick. I was worried that the doctor will see my cuts and would have to tell Billie Joe and Adrienne. I didn’t want them to know because they would make me stop and I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t done it since I was sick but there was one that was a little scabby that might look suspicious.

Plus, the scars are pretty ugly.

“Benson, Amber?” I looked up and saw a female nurse. Adrienne looked at me.

“Do you want me to go with you?” I shook my head and got up. The nurse smiled at me and led me to this little room where she took my blood pressure, measured my height (5’6”) and weight (110). She then started asking me why I was here to visit, my last period, which I didn’t know because I was so irregular because of how small I was, what medications I was taking, and made me take a pregnancy test. She then led me to a room and left me there change into a hospital gown. I changed into it, and crossed my arms, hiding my scars. I started moving my feet back and forth, growing impatient. It seemed like forever before the doctor opened the door. She smiled at me.

“Hello, Amber. My name is Dr. Thomas.”

“Hello, Dr. Thomas.” I said. She started looking through the chart. She frowned.

“Well, we got your records from the hospital in Sacramento. I’m so sorry for what you have been through.” I didn’t say anything. She stood in front of me.

“I’m sorry to tell you that you are pregnant. It is a miracle that the baby survived through so much trauma...” I wasn’t paying attention to her anymore. It was like water was filling my ears and I couldn’t hear her anymore. All I could do was remember and I couldn’t stop it.

I lied awake and stared at the ceiling. I knew he was coming. He always came. It happened most nights since I was ten years old. At the same time. I guessed it was about 10:00 PM when he knew that Aunt Carol wasn’t coming back from work. I had to be in bed by 8:00 so one night I counted the minutes down in my head.

Like clockwork, the door opened. He didn’t turn on the lights or anything. He always left the door open, though. Why? I had no clue. He just did.

I could hear him walk over to me. It only took 5 steps because of how small my room was and how short and fat he was. He sat on the bed. I didn’t look at him. I just stared at the ceiling. He took my pajama pants off and underwear. He always kept my shirt on but raised it so he could see my breasts. He got on top of me. I was already used to the weight. He was a big man, about 240 pounds. He leaned in and kissed me but I didn’t kiss back. He started the same every night. He’d kiss my lips, move down to my neck, down to my breasts where he’d bite them so hard that I sometimes whimpered. But I tried not to. He hated when I made noise in pain. He would slap me every time and be extra rough with me. So I tried to keep quiet.

He spread my legs and positioned himself between me. Sometimes he would perform oral sex on me, only when he was feeling extra vindictive. That was usually when my body betrayed me.

But tonight he decided against it. Instead he entered into me with force. It didn’t hurt anymore like it did when I was little. I was already used to it. But with every thrust he took another ounce of my humanity and replaced it with numbness and betrayal.

He never wore a condom but I was still surprised that I had gotten...pregnant. He always made me take the morning after pill but he had some sort of work emergency the next day and I guess I forgot to take it. But the next time he raped me was the night that I wound up in the hospital.

I looked at Dr. Thomas. I guess she was expecting me to cry or something. But I didn’t.

“Do you know who the father is?” She asked. I nodded.

“My uncle. He raped me,” I said lowly. Her frown deepened.

“I have to do an ultrasound to see how far along you are, okay?” I nodded. She did the ultrasound and told me that I looked about 8 weeks pregnant.

“You have options, Amber. You can keep the baby, there is adoption, or you can get an abortion.” I didn’t say anything. I had to shut it off. If I started feeling I would probably freak out and do something that I’d regret.

“This is your choice, Amber. Not your parents. But because of the severity of the situation, it’ll be best if they knew. Do you want me to tell your parents?” She asked me. I absentmindedly nodded. I didn’t bother to correct her. She left the room. I didn’t move. I didn’t move my feet. I held my breath as long as I could before I had to absolutely take a breath. Why was this happening to me? Why?



“Mr. and Mrs. Armstrong?” I looked up at the doctor. I stood up and shook her hand.

“Is everything okay?” Adrienne asked. The doctor smiled politely.

“Can we go to my office?” My heart started to sink. She led the way to her office and we sat down. My stomach started to turn. I had a feeling that something bad was about to happen.

“What’s going on?” I asked her.

“I regret to inform you that Amber is 8 weeks pregnant.” My heart fell to the pit of my stomach.

“What?” I heard Adrienne ask. I started to feel tears prick my eyes. That bastard. That bastard had raped her. It was horrible enough that she had to go through physical abuse. But this? Rape? He fucking raped her. I felt Adrienne’s hand grab mine. She knew I needed her. I needed her especially at this time.

“What do we do?” Adrienne asked. I was glad that she taking control of this. I was getting angry and I would take it out on the wrong people if I had to speak.

“I informed of her options but she didn’t tell me what she wanted to do. Since Dr. Chesser did X-Rays on her, the fetus will more than likely be born with some sort of deformity or she will have a miscarriage soon. She has been taking pain pills, as well. Whatever her decision is, I don’t think the fetus will make it to full term. I told her this but I think she was still in shock and not listening. This decision is completely up to her but she did give me permission to tell you guys the situation at hand. What you guys can do is take her home, discuss the options with her, and call me tomorrow with her decision and we can start from there, okay?” I didn’t say anything.

“Thank you, Dr. Thomas.” Adrienne spoke for me. We got up and walked out of her office and back into the waiting room. People looked up at us as we walked past them, no doubt knowing who I am. I had to go outside. I couldn’t stay in here. I looked at Adrienne.

“I have to go outside. Will you wait for her?” She nodded. I leaned down and kissed her before walking outside. I walked over to the car and got in it. I just stared at the steering wheel before I started punching it. I would be lying to myself if I didn’t blame Amanda for this. She should have told me about her.

“Fuck you, Amanda!” I yelled into the air. I couldn’t stop the tears. I hated that she was going through this. I hated Amanda for putting her with those sick fucks. I hated that I wasn’t there for her when she needed someone to protect her.

I looked over at the entrance of the doctor’s office and saw Adrienne walk out with Amber. I quickly wiped my face clean of tears and started the car. They got in and I drove off. We were silent the way home. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw that Amber was staring out of her window. She wasn’t crying or anything. Just staring. We pulled up at the house and Amber got out and walked inside. Adrienne and I just stayed in the vehicle.

“I have no clue what we should do.” Adrienne finally said. I looked at her.

“It’s obvious. We convince her to abort it. She can’t have that baby, Adrienne.”

“While I agree with you, it’s not our decision and we should support her with whatever decision she makes.” I shook my head. I didn’t want her to make these types of decisions. She was too young. I got out of the car.

“Billie?” I turned around and looked at Adrienne.

“I’m going to the pharmacy to fill her medication. I think it’s best if you talked to her about this.” I turned around and walked inside. I leaned against the door as I stared at the stairs. I knew she was upstairs in her room. I didn’t know how to have this conversation with her. But I have to get over it and suck it up.

I walked up the stairs and knocked on Amber’s door. When no one answered I tried to open the door but it was locked. I started to panic.

“Amber?” I asked as I knocked again. A few seconds later she answered the door in her pajamas.

“Why did you lock the door?” I asked her. She shrugged before walking back to her bed. I took that as an invitation to come in. I went to close the door behind me but she stopped me.

“Leave it open, please.” I took my hand off the door and walked over to her desk where she had a lot more albums. They were more likely her Amanda’s considering Jim and Carol deprived her of music when she was living with them. I started to go through them, trying to find the words to start a conversation that I thought I would never have to do.

I turned around and leaned against her desk and tried not to look at her. I realized that she might take that as me being ashamed of her so I looked at her. She was watching me, waiting for me to say something.

“Amber-”

“I’m getting rid of it.” She interrupted. I tried not to look too relieved at her interruption or decision. I sat on the edge of her bed across from her.

“Are you sure?” She nodded.

“I don’t want it. I don’t care if you believe I should give it a chance but I’m not. I can’t give birth to something I will hate.” I shook my head.

“I don’t think that at all, Amber. It’s your choice.” I wanted to hug her. I wanted to comfort her but I stopped myself with all my might. I knew that wouldn’t be the right thing to do. She already didn’t like to be touched. She nearly freaked out and had a panic attack when Jakob hugged her when they met.

“Good,” she said. I was expecting her to cry. Normal people would probably be crying right now. But I have to realize that she isn’t normal. She’s been through a lot.

“I think I want to lie down now. I’m still not feeling well.” She told me. I got up.

“Okay. I’ll come up to check on you in a couple of hours, okay?” She nodded before lying down and getting under the comforter. I was about to walk out when she called my name.

“Billie Joe?” I turned to look at her. Her back was facing me.

“Yeah?” She turned her head to look at me.

“Don’t tell anyone, please.”

“I won’t and you can call me Billie. It’s easier and less of a mouth full.” She lied her head back down. I closed the door and leaned against it. I knew she was making the right choice but she should not have to make this decision. She shouldn’t have been in a situation that would cause her to make a decision on something this big.

I shook my head before walking down stairs. I needed a beer.