I'm Not Insane (Heaven Help Me)

She woke up in the middle of the night… a nightmare was the least of her problems. She sat up in her aunt’s guest bed but was immediately pushed back down… she was scared because she couldn’t see anything… ”Why did you have to run? Why did you have to get me killed? If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be here! Why are you so selfish?” hissed a voice that she recognized as her mother’s. “No! It wasn’t my fault!” she cried out to the empty room. “If I had stayed I would have been killed too! You tried to follow me! Why did you let yourself be pulled back into that room?” When no reply came she grew hysterical. This was the first time she had felt something caused by the bullets in her parents bodies. “It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!” “But what if it was? What if I have just committed an unintentional murder by leaving them alone together?” she thought. But she refused to believe it “ No…no, no…” Her aunt burst through the door in her nightgown. “What in Christ’s name is going on in here? Who are you talking to? What is this outrage?” She didn’t reply. She just sat there, rocking to and fro on the bed whispering to herself. She couldn’t help it. Over her stay with her aunt she had several violent outbursts and visits from her mother and father. They tormented her and hurt her, pushing her down or pulling her up by her hair. Her aunt got scared and had her examined. She went through many counseling sessions without saying a word that made sense. Soon her doctor declared her mentally unbalanced and took her aunt behind closed doors. They emerged together after a good amount of time. Her aunt was holding a bundle of papers in her arms as if they were the most precious things in the world. On the drive to the house she caught a glimpse of one of the papers. It scared her and angered her. “Mental Institution…” was all she saw. When she stepped out of the car her aunt blocked her from going inside the house. “You are not my problem anymore and I don’t ever want to see your face again. You will be well looked after where you are going so you had better pack your bags. They will be around to pick you up tomorrow at seven in the morning.” She didn’t answer her. She simply slipped past her into the guest room and started packing. Her aunt had expected some kind of a scuffle but she regretted nothing. She thought that maybe if she stopped seeing things and hearing the voices inside her head she could get out on good behavior and cooperation. The car came by exactly when her aunt said it would. She began to feel scared and she hid and pretended she didn’t hear them knocking. Apparently her aunt had thought of this and given them a spare key when she had turned in the papers she had to sign because they opened the door with it. There were four of them, two men and two women. They saw her trying to make herself as small as possible and they grabbed her firmly by the shoulders. She felt very scared and violated. They walked her briskly to the car while telling her how they hoped she would have a pleasant stay with them. “About as pleasant as the knife I want to jam in your back right now.” She thought. It angered her when people lied to her. They finally pulled up to a white building with a big sign. She struggled too much when they got her out of the car to see what it said. She writhed about trying to escape their binding grip on her arms and shoulders. She wasn’t insane. She was finally forced through the doors and sat down in a chair in a long white hallway. She blocked out the muttering as they signed her in. She was taken into a white room with an observation window and two female nurses. She was checked for tattoos and self-harm marks. They took her shoes, replaced them with hospital socks and explained the “House Rules.” She was weighed and they measured her height and took her vital signs. Her doctor met with her and they discussed her treatment. She sort of wanted to rip the woman’s face off but she knew that violence would get her nowhere fast. She received a medical bracelet that had her age, name, birth date, and other personal information. It pinched her and the metal felt cold against her skin. They escorted her down the white, plain hallway with small windows until they reached a heavy metal door. One of them let go of her arm to punch in a code. She heard a small click and the security opened the door for her. They pushed her gently inside and closed the door behind her. The room was large and just as white and plain as the hallway except for a carpet and a hell of a lot of chairs. There was a small television over in one corner but no one was watching it. There were other people in the room and she took a moment to study them through the black strands of her hair.