I'm Not Insane (Heaven Help Me)

She woke up early with a strangled yelp. Savanna felt as if she was being suffocated. Then all of a sudden the pressure was gone. She gasped and lurched forward. She sat there trembling with the memory of her dream. She pushed it out of her mind and turned to see if Mikey was up. “He must be a deep sleeper.” Sav thought. She stretched and was satisfied with the few small pops coming from the vicinity of her back. She reveled in the searing and the relief of letting her pale arms fall to her side. She got up off the bed and shuffled over to the closet. She picked out a T-shirt and a pair of faded black skinny jeans. She trod off into the bathroom where she took a shower and changed. The shower had been agony for Sav. The water was either freezing or burning so she stuck with making her blood boil. After she was done putting on her clothes she sneaked back into the bedroom where Mikey was still asleep. She sat on her bed and sketched his sleeping form. His glasses were still plastered to his face so she removed them gently. Savanna knew that it was kind of creepy to watch him sleeping but Mikey was a great person to draw. After a while she noticed that Mikey had woken up. She blushed a bit and waved. “Hey man.” Mikey gave her a sheepish smile and got up to root through his clothes. Once he found what he was looking for he stumbled off to the bathroom. After he closed the door Savanna heard an “Ow! Fuck!” she laughed slightly. “I heard that!..You little motherfucker!” She laughed a little bit harder but she could hear the playfulness in Mikey’s voice. As they left the room together they were both silent but they nodded to each other and waved at Bob and Ray as they emerged from a room down the hall. Frank and Gee join them from another hall and they chattered softly on the way to the cafeteria. They ate breakfast together and Savanna thought about the family breakfasts that her parents used to hold back when they even pretended to love her… Her aunt wanted nothing to do with her anymore and her sister was off in college. She was alone. Her friends seemed to notice her mood and they leaned in with concern. Bob and Frank were beside her and they each put one of their hands on one of her shoulders. “Fuck are these guys like telepathic or some shit?” thought Sav, as she looked around at all the worried faces. As she looked at Mikey she noticed her own reflection in his glasses. She had two immediate thoughts. One was that the reflection in someone’s glasses idea was a picture that she just had to draw and the second was that she looked a little like a pathetically sad panda. All those sleepless nights had caught up with her and she had dark circles near her eyes, which made her look even paler. She didn’t feel like explaining so she simply slumped down in her chair and through her head down on the table. Sav’s hair fanned out from behind her head and it looked as if she was lying in a stream of black. The guys seemed to get the message and didn’t press her. She wished that the nurses hadn’t taken her chains… she would have felt so much better with the cold metal pressing against her skin. Savanna wished that her parents would go away and not come back. She wished that everything would just stop. She wished she could leave this goddamn place. It seemed that none of her wishes came true…except for the one that she had made as an elementary schooler. She remembered the first time that a bully had pushed her into a wall… the memories of the repetition of this simple action played over in her mind and she remembered how this action had followed her through her life to here. She remembered her desperate plea to anything that was listening… and now she had friends…right? Sav looked sat up and looked around at Mikey, Frankie, Bob, Ray and Gerard. Why did they like her? Was it just because they were locked up in an asylum and they needed contact? Or did they actually like HER? That seemed hard to believe… even if they were insane…who would like her? Savanna began feeling desperate. She wanted to have faith in them but she had never had anyone to rely on… no one had actually liked her before…why should they now? She had no one who she could trust…so why should she trust them? “Why do you like me?” she asked in a small raspy voice.