Love is a Dangerous Thing

"Check it out, I brought something," Chris announced walking into Zack's room and closing the door. "Just in case I really bug you again with a stupid question or something."

"Well what is it?"

"A football." Sure enough Zack watched Chris pull a purple nerf football out from behind his back and toss it to him. He looked it over a few times before giving it a nod of approval. Chris meanwhile sat in his chair dangling his feet over the arm again while he waited.

"It's pretty cool," he said tossing it back over.

"I thought you might like it. Did you think anymore about that annoying question I asked you yesterday?"

"No and I still don't want to talk about that," Zack said already frustrated with this talk.

Chris held his hands up in surrender and tossed over the football like he said he would if he asked another stupid question. Zack caught it and chucked it back at his head which did make him feel quite a bit better. "Here," Chris threw the ball back over. "This question's going to annoy you too; what was the thing that most annoyed you about Alex."

"He yells too much, I already told you that." Again he threw the ball at Chris's head and again it made him feel better.

"That's right," Chris nodded like he just remembered and Zack rolled his eyes. "Okay, let's talk about something else before I die as a result of blunt force trauma from a nerf ball."

Their talk was a lot shorter than last time, mostly they talked about why Zack thought Alex wouldn't come back on what Chris dubbed "picture frame" day. Zack insisted it was because Alex had been acting strange the day before but Chris kept pushing him for a better reason. Ultimately Chris just told him the reason he was looking for, that Zack was scared he'd have to take care of himself and Zack threw the football at his head. There was a possibility it was true though he admitted to that and Chris said that was progress enough for the day.

"Did you have a good talk?" Alex asked when Zack collapsed down next to him just like the day before.

"Yeah," Zack nodded and lifted his head himself waiting for Alex to put a pillow underneath it. "You had a good idea."

"Maybe, you're the only one doing any work here though, I'm proud of you Zack."

Zack smiled and maybe it was left over confidence from talking with Chris or maybe it was the way he felt invincible when Alex was proud of him but he opened his eyes and smiled up at Alex speaking without a trace of nerves in his voice. "Want to go on a second date tonight?"

"You really want to go?"

He reached a hand out to hold one of Alex's and nodded as best he could while he was still laying down. "Sometimes I have stupid dreams but when I'm awake I know who I want to be with most."

"And that's me?" Alex grinned with shiny eyes that looked close to crying and did cry when Zack nodded again. "I'd love to go on a second date."

A nap and a few hours later Zack found himself looking at his reflection in the mirror again trying to remember why he'd thought he looked good last time. He wore almost the same outfit as before but he couldn't find anything too good about his appearance when he looked at himself. His eyes still looked tired despite sleeping constantly, he still seemed too skinny, his whole appearance was just bad.

"What are you thinking Zacky?" Alex asked wrapping his arms around his waist from behind and resting his head on Zack's shoulder. "I think you look very handsome tonight. What do you think?"

"I think I look stupid," Zack muttered more to himself than anything else.

"Why would you think that? Are you seeing the same person I see when you look at yourself?" Alex answered his own question before Zack even had a chance. "No, you can't be because if you were you'd know how gorgeous you really are. Everything about you is perfect so don't worry about any of the things you tell yourself."

"Do you really think I look alright?" Zack asked quietly as he continued to stare at himself with an almost disgusted expression.

"Yeah, I think you look beautiful always." Alex let go of him and grabbed one of his hands tugging gently. "Come on buddy, I've got a great second date planned for you."

Zack hesitated for a second but then he went and by the end of the night, when he was pressed safely against Alex's side, he was glad he did. They had a great night together and he was starting to think that maybe any night spent with Alex was a great night. All they did was wander the city stopping to get hot chocolates and churros which tasted terrible together but it was still great. He didn't really even understand what was so great about it, all he knew was things felt better when he was talking and laughing with Alex. When he was in the hospital he'd sometimes have what he considered to be a good day, his floor would be quiet, nurses would leave him alone, and his doctor would only say a few insensitive things. That's what he used to consider to be a good day but now those days weren't even in the same league as his new good days.

The next morning he felt like shit the same way he had after Alex's birthday but he didn't want to have another bad day like that so this time he woke up his sleeping friend.

Alex blinked a few times and then stared into Zack's eyes for a second, "bad day?"

"Yeah." Zack tried to apologize but Alex hushed him.

"I'm just glad you told me this time, that's really good."

Alex smiled and Zack smiled and he wondered about three words he hadn't said in a very long time. They hadn't worked out very well last time but this felt less and less like last time everyday. They spent the morning cuddled together, quietly eating ice cream and watching television and that never would have happened last time.

"I think I want to tell Alex I love him," Zack announced as soon as Chris walked into his room that afternoon. He expected a congratulations or advice on what to do but instead all he got was a worried look and a football tossed to him.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"Well, yeah, that's why I said it." Zack had been thinking about it all morning and he really did think it was a good idea. Why he wasn't getting any support he didn't understand, personally he thought it was more progress.

"What's the worst thing about Alex?"

"I've told you a million times," Zack groaned throwing the football at Chris's head. "Sometimes he yells too much and he has a bad temper."

"Right." Chris tossed the football in the air a few times and straightened out in his seat, sitting normally instead of sideways. "What's the worst thing about Jack?"

"Stop," Zack shook his head like he had both times Chris had asked that question before. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Okay then answer this question: who do you love more Alex or Jack?"

"Alex," Zack almost shouted. That was such a stupid question, Chris was just being an asshole today. "Of course I like Alex more."

"Really?" Chris raised an eyebrow with a disbelieving look like Zack was actually lying. "Because from what you've told me Alex gets mad and yells at you and Jack's never done anything wrong and you think about him all the time. That doesn't sound like you love Alex most."

"What? I never, that's not true," Zack stammered completely blind sided by this random attack.

"Zack, what is Jack's biggest flaw? Until you can answer that question I don't think it's fair for you to tell Alex you love him because I'm not sure that's true."

"It is true." Tears filled Zack's eyes and he wiped them away, his mouth hanging half open while he tried to think of something that would prove he loved Alex and not Jack. That morning he had total confidence and a laundry list of reasons his relationship with Alex was definitely different but now he couldn't remember a single one of them.

"Zack if Jack walked in right now and said he wanted to be with you what would you say?" Chris waited for a while for an answer Zack never gave because he was too busy crying. "You'd say yes and what's worse you wouldn't even ask him to apologize for what he did to you because you don't even think he did anything wrong do you? You still refuse to admit Jack has any flaws at all, you still refuse to accept he rejected you and I've got to believe you refuse to accept that because you're still holding on to the hope that one day he's going to change his mind. If I'm wrong then tell me I'm wrong Zack, if you really love Alex then stand up for that love but if you don't then don't string him along because that's not fair to either of you."

"Just leave me alone," Zack screamed full on sobbing now the way he did on those first nights at the hospital. Sobbing like he did so many times when he thought about how bad losing Jack hurt. It was still so painful after all this time, he could still feel it in his chest like Jack was a weight tied to his lungs. "I don't want to talk to you anymore."

"No, I'm not leaving," Chris yelled but only to be heard over Zack's crying. "You're so close Zack but if I don't push you you're going to live your whole life having flashbacks to something you should have let go of a long time ago. Tell me who you want to be with is it Alex or Jack?"

"Alex, I told you its Alex," Zack repeated in a painful scream that tore from the bottom of his throat.

"What the hell are you doing Chris?" Zack heard Alex and thought that maybe the older boy would save him but Chris quickly talked to him and then he was gone.

"Zack, you're not being honest with anyone. Jack is not perfect so tell me what's wrong with him. You can't keep letting yourself think he's perfect. Tell me what his biggest flaw is, tell me why you'd rather be with Alex than him. What's Jack's biggest flaw Zack?"

"He was a bad friend," Zack screamed speaking without thinking. His words came out unsteady and choked through sobs and more tears than he'd cried in years. "He was supposed to be my best friend and he broke my fucking heart. A good friend would have just said no but that wasn't enough for him, he just kept screaming and telling me how pathetic I was. I thought he'd accept me, I thought that's what friends did but he was never my friend. Alex would never have done that because he's a good friend, that's why I love him more and I don't care if thats not enough for you. I don't care about anything but Alex."

Zack couldn't see it but Chris was smiling and he couldn't hear him but Chris was speaking. He didn't see when Chris left but he felt when Alex crawled in bed next to him and then things went black. An hour or two days later he woke up still crying and Alex held him close and let him soak his shoulder with tears.

"It hurts so much Alex," he sobbed clinging as tight as he could to the other boy. "He was my best friend."

"I know buddy, I know. You need to get some sleep Zacky, we can talk when you're more rested."

He tried to say something else but his words got caught in his throat and Alex was rubbing his back and everything went black again. His sleep was void of any dreams, it was just darkness the whole time. At some point Alex woke him up and gave him his medicine and then it was back to bed for another eight hours. The next morning came and he woke up Alex because he didn't want to be alone.

"You feel any better?" Alex asked as soon as he opened his eyes wrapping himself even more around Zack.

"No, I feel so bad Alex. It's like it happened all over again, it hurts that bad."

"Chris said you'd feel like that he said to ask you what you said, you want to tell me about that? I came to check on you yesterday but Chris said you were on the verge of a breakthrough."

"I told him Jack was a bad friend." Tears flooded Zack's eyes again blurring his vision and slurring his speech. "I like you better Alex, I want to be with you not Jack. He was never there for me like you are, he broke my heart but you wouldn't."

"That's good Zack." Even through all his crying Zack could hear the smile in Alex's voice. "You've never told me anything bad about Jack before, I'm proud of you."

"If its good then why does it hurt so much?"

"Because you're finally letting it hurt."