Status: finished

Love is a Dangerous Thing

6

The next few days were tough for Zack even though all Alex seemed to do was smile at him like he was the best person to ever live. Trying was hard and it involved doing a lot of things he didn't like, like eating or paying attention to what was being said to him. Trying was strenuous and awful but he imagined visiting someone everyday for five years wasn't incredibly fun either so he was doing his best.

Currently he was staring out his bedroom window, the one that faced the park, at nothing in particular while Alex wrote whatever it was he wrote for work. The holiday season was in full swing on the street below him and he made a mental note to figure out what day it was. He knew it was the third the night he got out of the hospital but what day it was now was lost on him. Alex's birthday was sometime soon and he kind of wanted to get him something but he didn't have any money and he never left the house so that seemed a little difficult. Still, he wondered mindlessly about things he might get the older boy as he continued to look out the window.

Hearing his door open he turned around, frowning at a fully dressed Alex, the last time he saw him he was still wearing pajamas. "Hey." Zack had been trying to talk more but his voice still sounded weird to him, at least Alex claimed to like it.

"Hey, there's sort of an emergency at work and I have to go in, I'm really sorry. You can come with me if you want?"

"No thanks," Zack replied, quickly forming an idea of how he could get his friend a gift after all. "Can I order pizza?"

"You want pizza?" Zack had been eating more but "more" for him meant maybe two bowls of cereal in a day not a pizza. "You know you'll have to call and talk to someone to order it and then you'll have to talk to the pizza guy when he comes?"

"I can do it."

"You're sure?" Alex didn't sound too fond of the idea and Zack could see him chewing his bottom lip nervously. "I can just grab one on the way home."

"Alex, I can do it."

"Fine," the older boy sighed reaching in his back pocket and pulling out his wallet. "Don't worry if you change your mind."

Zack nodded and took the money being handed to him with a smile. "Thanks."

"Sure, I gotta go but I'll be back soon it shouldn't take more than two hours."

Once he heard the front door shut Zack got dressed himself, putting on the pants and one of the shirts he'd bought a few days before and a sweatshirt that he borrowed from Alex. After he was dressed he looked out his window again, it was early afternoon and though they didn't live on a very busy street there were quite a few people out. He could do this he thought taking a deep breath and closing his eyes to try and calm himself.

He hadn't even left the house yet and he was already regretting his choice especially after he made the awful decision to look at himself in the mirror. He pulled at his sleeves or more accurately Alex's sleeves awkwardly and tried to find even one thing he liked about himself but that seemed impossible. His face was sunk in from years of not eating and there were circles under his eyes so dark he almost wondered if he'd gotten into a fight and just didn't remember it. The sweater was way too big and his pants weren't any better, the whole outfit was terrible and he hated it but getting Alex a present was literally the least he could do.

"I can do it," and he pretended he couldn't feel himself shaking slightly and swallowed the lump in his throat because today he was going to be a good friend.

The cold hit him as soon as he walked out the of the apartment building making him instantly regret not getting a thicker sweater or maybe two. A few people knocked into him before he started walking down the street, weaving in and out of groups of people and keeping his eyes down. He hadn't been to the small record store he had in mind in five years but he'd spent so much time there that he still knew the route by heart. His idea was to get Alex the last record they both liked before he was hospitalized and then the latest album by the same band now. He was still debating between Fall Out Boy , Alkaline Trio, and Blink-182 when he walked in the store but he at least knew what section he wanted to be in and headed in that direction. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice someone calling his name until they were pulling his shoulder much harder than necessary to turn him around.

"No fucking way, Zack Merrick? I thought you died but I guess that was just wishful thinking."

Zack felt his whole world come crashing down as soon as he heard that terrible, awful, familiar voice and he hated himself just a little more than he ever had before because a small part of him still wished that voice would have said I love you back. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't move but he could hear, oh, could he hear.

"Are you gonna start crying again? I think that was probably my favorite part. No, actually, I know exactly what my favorite part was," the loud almost cheerful tone left Jack's voice and he practically whispered his next words. "The part where I thought you died."

And for the second time in his life Zack ran while Jack was still hurling insults at him not caring about the people he knocked into or the cars that almost hit him. He didn't care about anything but getting home and never leaving his room again. Unfortunately he made it back in record time only to find that the door was jammed, his whole body was shaking violently and he felt like he might pass out. Not knowing what to do he hurried down the stairs and back outside crashing into Alex just outside the building.

"Zack, what are you doing?" Alex started but then he saw the tears streaming down Zack's face and the way his body was shaking and he fell silent picking his friend up bridal style and carrying him up the stairs to their apartment quickly. "Zack, calm down buddy. What happened?"

"I j-j-just wanted t-to get you a present," Zack choked out between sobs.

"A present?" Alex sat down on the couch still holding onto Zack who was shaking so violently it was almost painful to watch. "Buddy, calm down, tell me what happened and I'll fix it, ok?"

"Jack, f-fucking, Jack." Zack knew he didn't need to say anything else which was good because he wasn't sure he could. He felt Alex hold him a little tighter but it did nothing to make him feel better in fact it almost made him feel worse. "G-get off me!" Pushing himself out of Alex's hold he made his way back to his room and slammed the door crawling into bed and curling up as small as he could under the covers.

"Zack, I don't think you should be alone right now." The older boy tried to climb in bed with Zack but he was pushed away again. "Buddy, please, just let me help."

"I don't want your help," Zack muttered regaining some control over his speaking now that he'd stopped crying as much. "Leave me alone."

"C'mon, Zack, you know I never leave you alone, I never have, and I never will."

"Well, you should you'd be better off without me, everyone else knows that so why can't you get that through your stupid fucking head. I'm worthless Alex, I'm a loser. You'll be better off when I'm dead." Zack was almost surprised at how easy the words came.

"Don't say that." Alex pulled roughly at Zack's shoulder, forcing the younger boy to look at him. "Don't you dare say that. You promised me you wouldn't leave. I'm not letting Jack take you away from me again."

Zack wanted to argue but instead he just broke into tears once more as he replayed everything that happened. He felt Alex pull him so he was laying almost on top of the other boy but he didn't fight this time, instead burying his face into the side of Alex's neck.

"He said he wished I was dead, he was my best friend Alex and he hates me. Why does he hate me so much?"

"He's just a mean person Zacky." All Alex could think about was how much he wanted to go see Jack at the stupid record store he worked at and kill him, not fight him but kill him but he didn't say that because be knew it would only upset Zack more. "You can't let him make you think, what you were thinking though." He couldn't even bring himself to actually say what he knew Zack was thinking.

"It just hurts."

"I know, Zack, I know it does."

They laid silently for a long time until Zack was all cried out and even then he stayed laying half on top of Alex taking comfort in feeling his heart beat.

"I still want him to like me, after all this time I still wish he would feel the same."

Alex held back his own tears and cleared his throat before he replied keeping his voice free of any traces of disappointment. "If he was smart he would have, Zack, any guy would be lucky to have you."

"I guess I just picked the wrong guy," and Zack sounded like he might cry again so Alex knew he had to hold it together.

"Yeah, I guess you did."