Love is a Dangerous Thing

When Zack woke up the next morning whatever confidence or happiness he had the day prior was gone. Immediately he noticed the difference, could feel it in his chest all the heaviness he carried with him. It felt like someone replaced his blood with cement and he could almost feel his heart struggling with every beat. Alex was sleeping behind him and that made him feel worse because Alex had seemed so proud of him yesterday. He thought about waking the other boy up but quickly decided against that opting instead to go back to sleep.

He woke up again a few hours later to find Alex awake on his laptop next to him in bed. The heaviness and general bad feeling was still with him and he didn't feel like talking about it or anything else but he did want to hear Alex's voice so he picked his head up and dropped it into the older boy's lap.

"You were dreaming about Jack again," Alex informed him without looking down. "You kept whimpering his name, I tried to wake you up but you pushed me away. It was a great morning for me."

Zack closed his eyes again and wished he would have just stayed asleep for a very long time. He had no recollection of dreaming about Jack or dreaming at all but it didn't seem like something Alex would make up. Cringing a little he thought back on what his doctor had said before he left and wondered if he'd ever accept what happened and move forward. It felt like he was moving forward yesterday but that feeling hadn't lasted more than 24 hours.

"Now that you're up I'm gonna go work in the kitchen. My editor's letting me write another article in addition to my column, might be busy for a while. You can do whatever you want though."

Zack watched Alex hesitate for a moment looking like he wanted to say more but deciding against it at the last moment. Alex shut his laptop and walked out quickly, leaving Zack to fall back against his pillows with a different weight in his chest. At some point he had to change, how he was supposed to do that he had no idea but he knew he was supposed to.

The day crawled by in uncomfortable silence, Zack spent most of it just staring at nothing out his window. Alex didn't say much except to call him for dinner sort of like Zack was a dog that lived with him. That thought made Zack feel even worse and instead of eating he spent all of dinner staring at his plate and thinking about what he was supposed to be doing. He couldn't figure it out for the life of him, all he knew was Alex wanted him to stop being weird and he needed to figure out how to do that.

"I'm gonna go out tonight," Alex announced while Zack was still staring at his plate. "I'll wait until you fall asleep and I'll be back when you wake up."

Zack tried to say something in reply but all that came out was a strange noise that sounded scratchy and awful. Alex raised an eyebrow and Zack went back to staring at his plate with a now bright red face. He'd sort of forgot what happened when he didn't speak for a long time, it'd been a while since he went the whole day without speaking.

"You alright Zack?"

Zack nodded, it didn't sound like Alex cared that much anyways. All because of a stupid dream he'd made his only friend mad at him and that sucked. There was nothing he could do to change it though and there didn't seem to be anything he could do to change himself either.

"Zack, look at me," Alex requested waiting until Zack listened to continue. "We have a stupid Christmas tradition at work where all the writers and editors and basically everyone that's even took a photo that we ran goes out for drinks. I'm not leaving because I'm mad at you, okay?"

Not trusting his voice Zack settled for nodding again and looking back at his plate that he'd yet to touch. He could feel Alex staring at him but he didn't want to continue their conversation so he didn't look back up. He'd yet to lose his ability to sit in front of someone and still make himself completely invisible.

"You're making yourself worse, you know that right?" Zack stayed silent and kept his face blank just like he'd taught himself to do so long ago. "Every time you choose not to talk to me you're only adding to how bad you feel. You know that Zack, I know you know that, you're too smart not to. You can't just shut down every time I get mad at you, that's not fair to me or you."

Zack had no reaction to anything that was said to him, he just waited for Alex to get through with his rant and then left. He went right back to his bedroom and stared out the window with almost no thoughts at all save for wondering if he could get his medicine early because he didn't want to be conscious anymore. His wish was granted when Alex came in with a glass of water, his medicine, and a mixed expression of equal parts anger and worry.

He took his medicine and climbed in bed laying flat on his back and closing his eyes, completely ignoring whatever Alex was saying. It was something about loving him and being sorry about what he said and then his medicine kicked in and Zack was more than grateful for the darkness he fell into.

It was almost like a flashback to the first day he stayed with Alex the next morning; he woke up pressed to Alex's side and quickly pushed him away waking said boy up. Alex stared at him with only one emotion filling his face this time, sadness. Zack flipped onto his side and went back to sleep.

The next time he woke up he was in the same position as before and he tried to push away again but this time Alex was prepared.

"I don't want to do this again," Alex said over the small sounds Zack couldn't help but make because Alex was holding him a little too tight and it hurt. "You have to talk. I know you can and I'm not like those people from the hospital, I won't let you slide backwards when we've moved so far forward."

Zack tried to say something with the same embarrassing result as the night before and instead whimpered and pushed more. Alex had his arms wrapped way too tight around Zack's skinny frame pinning his arms to his sides.

"Try again," Alex encouraged not letting go as Zack made a few more attempts at making his voice work. Finally Zack stopped fighting and focused all his energy on saying the two words he needed most.

"Let go."

"Promise you won't leave," Alex countered.

"Let go." Zack's voice cracked slightly and that seemed to make the older boy understand how much he was hurting him. Once he could move his arms again he used them to shove Alex as hard as he could, which wasn't very hard at all but he had to do something. Alex stayed on the other side of the bed with a hurt look on his face.

"What's wrong with you Zack? What happened to the guy from my birthday? I liked that guy." Zack tried his best not to react but that only upset Alex more. "Stop doing that, you're not a robot. You're human Zack, you have reactions to things and I want to know what they are so I can help you. All I've ever wanted is to help you but you make that so fucking hard sometimes."

"Then don't help," Zack mumbled getting angry as well now and again it only upset Alex further.

"Don't tell me not to help you," Alex screamed and despite his best efforts not to react Zack flinched. "I love you, you're my best friend, I'm never leaving, why can't you understand any of that? What's wrong with you Zack? Why do you insist on getting my hopes up just to break me down all over again?"

Zack covered his head with his pillow and cried into the mattress pushing Alex away whenever he felt his presence. Eventually he fell into a restless sleep plagued by nightmares of both Jack and Alex. He woke up a couple hours later but made a conscious effort to stay still so the other boy would think he was still sleeping, he didn't want to be yelled at again. If he was being honest he did understand why Alex had screamed at him, he didn't like it but he understood.

"Zack?" Alex's voice sounded quiet but close by, Zack didn't reply. "I know your awake buddy, can you please talk to me?" Zack maintained his silence and kept still too. "Please, Zack, please just say something. I just want to know you're still here, still with me. You're still with me, right Zacky, you wouldn't leave like before?"

Zack could hear the pain and doubt in every word said to him. He took a deep breath and cried some more, his pillow still over his head. More than anything he just wanted to be that happy guy from Alex's birthday again, the one Alex liked. He didn't even understand how things had went downhill so fast but they had and he hated it. His head was just so fucked up.

"Let me in Zack," Alex almost begged. "I just want to help you feel better again."

Finally Zack pulled the pillow off his head looking over at Alex with tears still rolling down his face. In a matter of seconds Alex was holding onto him again, thankfully not as tight as before. It took a few minutes for Zack to get himself calmed down enough to stop crying but as soon as he did words were rushing out of his mouth in a hoarse, scratchy, disgusting voice.

"I'm still with you." He hated how he sounded and it didn't feel too great either but he felt like he might lose the only thing he had if he didn't force them out. "Always with you."

"Good, I don't want to ever not be with you," Alex replied, sounding relieved. "I'm sorry I got mad at you the other day. I never should have ignored you for that long, I know you don't like being alone."

"I Don't feel good." Zack looked up at Alex with bloodshot eyes and a pale face hoping the other boy would help.

"That's because you didn't eat yesterday and you've been sleeping and crying too much." Alex pressed a hand to Zack's forehead and shook his head. "Does your head hurt?" Zack nodded. "You've got to start listening when I tell you to eat, okay buddy? Eating isn't an optional thing no matter how bad you feel."

"My throat hurts too," Zack whined.

"Poor Zacky, c'mon I'll make you some soup and tea. We need to talk more about what happened though." That earned another whine from Zack because talking was the last thing he wanted to do. "Yeah, I don't think you're gonna be too excited about what I have to say but let's get you some food before you worry about that."

Zack started worrying about it as soon as Alex said it but he was at least happy to have his friend back. He didn't realize how hungry he was until Alex put a bowl of chicken noodle soup in front of him. He ate his whole bowl faster than any other meal he'd had so far and ate a whole second bowl too with about ten glasses of water to help his throat. Alex wanted him to drink tea but he refused that because he'd always hated tea.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Yeah." It sounded like Alex cared about him again and just that made him feel better. The soup and water helped too but mostly it was Alex's voice that did the trick.

Alex sat on the counter across from Zack and swung his legs like a nervous child, occasionally glancing at Zack who was just waiting for whatever bad news was coming.

"You know I love you?" Alex asked glancing at him again.

"I know," Zack confirmed.

"And I only want what's best for you?"

"Yeah." Zack stared back at him getting more worried with every silent second.

"Okay, hear me out on this," Alex sighed and looked at Zack one last time before speaking his words to the floor below him. "I think you should start seeing a therapist to help you move past, you know, what happened and everything. I love you and I'll always try to take care of you but I don't think I can help you the way a professional could."

"Why? It was only one bad day, I can be better." Zack stared at Alex with pleading eyes hoping with everything in him that Alex wouldn't send him back to the hospital. "Don't make me go back."

"No, no, no I'm not saying I want you to go back to the hospital buddy, I don't ever want that." Alex hopped off the counter and walked over to Zack taking his hand and leading him to the couch so he could hold him in his lap. "I want you to stay with me forever but I think you should talk to someone, that's all I'm saying."

"I can't," Zack tried to argue but Alex wouldn't let him.

"Yes, you can Zack. You talked to my parents the other day, you're fully capable of talking. I really think it'll help you Zacky, I'm not trying to make you feel worse about anything, I promise."

"Why can't I just talk to you?"

"Okay, let's try that," Alex said. "Tell me why I can't say the name Jack without you cringing?" Zack took a second to cringe like Alex said he would. "Come on, Zack, tell me what happened that night with Jack? Why was it so bad?"

"Alex, stop," Zack complained clutching at his head to try and stop the memories that flooded in like Alex had broken some sort of dam. His eyes started to slip close and he knew what was happening but he couldn't stop it and he groaned loudly before he lost touch with reality completely.

Everything went dark for just a second and then he was standing in Jack's room and being screamed at again. Every word came back and stung just as much as the first time. While he watched the same video on an endless loop he wondered for the millionth time why his best friend hated him so much.

"Zack, come back, follow my voice." Zack did as he was told and listened to the sound of his actual friend's voice, blinking hard once, twice, three times before he found himself sitting with Alex again. "That's why you can't talk to me. I have no idea what I'm doing and I have a bad habit of just making things worse, we both know that."

"I don't want to have to go to a hospital with a bunch of other people," Zack requested, accepting the fact that he was going to heve to see someone. "And I don't want you to come in with me."

"Why not?" Alex frowned.

"Because I don't want you to know how crazy I really am."

"One of Rian's friends from college was a psych major." Alex completely ignored Zack's previous statement because that was an exhausting never ending battle. "His name's Chris, I've met him a few times and he's really a cool guy, you'd like him. I talked to Rian while you were sleeping and he gave me his number, he said he could come see you here so you wouldn't even have to leave your room. I really think it'll help you Zack can you please do it, for me?"

"That's cheating," Zack complained and Alex just smiled.

"It's only cheating if you care about me enough to do anything for me. Do you care about me that much Zacky?"

"I care about you a lot," Zack blushed.

"I like when you say that," Alex smiled again before returning to a more serious tone. "This guy, Chris, he's really cool, I think he can help you a lot but if you dont like him we can find someone else. You have to try for me though, okay?"

"Okay," Zack sighed.

"He can come over tomorrow, is that okay?"

Zack sighed again but nodded thinking again about how he was supposed to be getting better. Maybe this guy could help him be less weird and then Alex would like him more. If he could find a way to always be the Zack from Alex's birthday Alex would never get mad at him again. For that reason alone he decided to actually try to do good the next day.