Love is a Dangerous Thing

Zack sat quietly watching the wind blow through the trees outside his window waiting for something, anything. The after stage of falling in love had become the giving up stage of his whole life and after five years he was starting to think maybe that wasn't okay with him.

Falling in love with Jack was hard, it hurt in every stage but none more than this five year after stage. All he could think about everyday was what happened that fateful night, all those awful things the person he loved and trusted most in the world had said to him. His best friend gave up on him seemingly setting the tone for everyone else in his life including himself.

The morning of his graduation his parents screamed at him over and over, their concern growing as he sat rigidly on his bed with no reaction. His mom kept asking if he could hear them thinking maybe he'd randomly gone deaf in the night. His father crouched down next to him, put a hand on his knee and asked repeatedly if he was okay. Was he okay?

Of course he wasn't okay, if he was he would respond, he'd get dressed, he'd graduate, but he wasn't okay and he didn't do anything. They left him in his room for a day or so hoping whatever was happening would blow over but by noon the next day they realized that wasn't going to happen which is how Zack got a room in this lovely psychiatric hospital.

He had a team like every other patient consisting of a doctor, nurse, social worker, and case manager they asked him a ton of questions he didn't plan on ever answering. He only responded once and that was a mistake, his doctor asked for what felt like the billionth time why he was in there and in an effort to end the frustrating questioning Zack answered. Well, Zack tried to answer, at that point he hadn't talked in three weeks, his voice sounded hoarse and quiet even when he tried to speak up but he answered all the same.

"J-jack, I wanted t-to be with him. I'm weird, I'm f-fucking weird and I h-hate myself."

That turned out to be a pretty stupid thing to say to a psychiatrist when you're in a mental hospital and you haven't said anything at all before. His doctor frowned, asked him what he meant and then frowned even more when Zack went back to being unresponsive. That night he was finally given medication, an anti-depressant, and told he was being placed on suicide watch. He hadn't really considered suicide before but once it was mentioned it seemed like a pretty good option.

A few days later he waited for his roommate to fall asleep and then stole his glasses from his bed side table and broke the lenses in the bathroom. Using the glass fragments he dug as deep as he could into both wrists. There was a lot of blood and for a while he felt happy again because finally he thought he was going to be able to stop thinking about what a loser he was for ever thinking he had a shot with Jack in the first place. But he was still in a mental hospital and they checked on everyone every 15 minutes and, unlike what Jack would have done, when they saw him lying on the bathroom floor unconscious in a pool of blood they didn't leave him to die.

After that things changed, his parents stopped visiting, he wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom without a staff member, and a red bracelet was placed on his wrist so everyone would know he was even crazier than they had originally thought. It was hard at first but after a week or so he grew accustomed to the loneliness and pitiful glances the nurses sent him. He still wasn't talking and that was fine with him, he knew he would live out the rest of his days in solitude locked up in his hospital room and that was fine. Did he still want to kill himself? Yes, of course, obviously, his life was pointless and everyone hated him, well Jack hated him and he could really care less what anyone else thought so basically everyone hated him. But suicide was too messy and his team of people had asked him even more questions after his first attempt so unless he could get his hands on cyanide he wasn't going to try again.

His life was quiet after his attempt but only for a few days because on the fourth day of his I-wear-a-red-bracelet-because-I'm-a -psycho life he heard a commotion during visiting hours. It was a mental hospital and thus it was prone to loud outbursts but this one was different because this one involved a voice he knew screaming about wanting to see him. Loud noises kind of scared Zack in the after stage though so instead of going to see who it was he turned off the light in his room and hid in the corner.

"Mr. Gaskarth, we cannot just let anyone off the street in to see patients, you have to have an okay from the patient you would like to see."

"His name is Zack fucking Merrick not patient, okay?! And I'm not a stranger off the street I'm his best friend and I want to see him!"

Zack felt himself smile for the first since the after stage had started. Alex wanted to see him, that must mean that not everybody hated him but his smile quickly faded as he kept listening. Alex sounded mad, maybe he had come to yell at him for being a freak, maybe Jack had sent him to tell him he still hated him. Dark thoughts raced through his head over and over until he was a crying mess in the corner of his room. He was so consumed by fear and self-loathing that he didn't notice someone walk into his room until they rushed to his side and pulled him into a hug.

"Zack what's wrong? Did someone in here hurt you?"

Alex questioned Zack for a long time as he held him but Zack had long since mastered the task of pretending not to be there even when he was right in front of someone. It seemed like his older friend wasn't mad at him but it had also seemed like Jack cared about him and he wasn't about to get tricked like that again so he just sat and listened while Alex spoke at him.

"Zack, I'm so sorry. When you didn't show up for graduation I tried to text you but you didn't reply. I just assumed you were like sick or something but then when you didn't get back to me I asked Jack if he knew what was going on." At the mention of his name Zack's body tensed involuntarily. "So he really did do this to you? Jesus, Zack, I'm so sorry. He told me what happened, how he-"

"No!" Zack started sobbing immediately, pushing Alex away from him and clamping his hands over his ears. That story was bad enough when he told it in his head, he couldn't hear it from someone else's mouth especially Alex's.

Alex tried to keep talking to him but that only made him sob louder until finally a nurse, a team of nurses actually, came in and ordered Alex to leave then they gave Zack a shot and everything went dark. He figured that would be the last time he saw Alex but he couldn't have been more wrong Alex was there the very next day.

He visited everyday like clockwork, he explained with tear filled eyes how he wished he could have been there sooner before "you know," and then gestured to Zack's wrists. Apparently Zack was considered a bad patient because he "refused to comply," and so he was only allowed two visitors but as soon as his parents told Alex they wouldn't be visiting anymore Alex headed out in there place. At first the visits were awkward, full of weird silences where Zack knew Alex was waiting for him to say something but after the first weird week Alex seemed to get the hang of things. He still cried every single time but not as hard as in the beginning and he didn't spend as much time waiting for responses.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Zack felt bad about all the pain and hurt he saw in Alex's eyes but whatever sadness he saw there was nothing compared to how Zack felt the last time he was brave about something so he wasn't going to do it again. He had decided the very night the after stage began that he was broken and he would never let anyone hurt him like that again.

But regardless of Zack's silence and lack of progress Alex kept coming. Sure Zack could have told someone to stop letting him in but he figured having a routine wasn't dangerous and as long as he never let Alex see any part of him he would be fine. All he had to do was keep his walls up for the rest of his life.

He had been doing a great job of that for the last five years but recently he was starting to have his doubts. Alex told him all the time about the room he'd set up for him at his apartment, he said he'd take care of him. At first Zack thought he'd never consider even leaving the hospital let alone living with someone but the more he thought about it the more he thought it wouldn't be that bad. It might even be better, either way he was going to have to deal with Alex but if he was out of the hospital he wouldn't have to deal with anyone else. No more doctors and crazy patients, no more stupid groups and cafeteria food, he could just sit in his room all day. He'd still get to live a life of solitude forever, he just wouldn't have to do it in a hospital.

"Your visitor's here, sweety."

Zack was broken from his thoughts by a nurse but he didn't react, like always, waiting until he heard the door shut to move.

"Hey Zack," Alex greeted as soon as he walked into their usual room. "Look I'm not even crying yet aren't you proud of me?" Zack didn't respond, staring blankly ahead. He was only half listening the other half still thinking about the possibility of leaving with Alex. "Don't get too proud because I'll probably start crying in the next ten minutes. I'm an emotional guy I guess. You don't cry a lot do you?" That was a lie, Zack cried every night, sometimes all night. "Probably because you're so tough. I don't know how you do it man, staying quiet and stoic all the time, it's really impressive. Speaking of which I painted your room again yesterday, it's this really cool black and purple theme now because I know how much you like the Ravens, well you used to like them. Do you, do you still like them?" And now he was crying. "Zack, please, talk to me. I know you can hear me, I know you're in there please say something."

"H-home?" Zack felt his face heat up instantly. His voice sounded even worse than he remembered, it was quiet and scratchy and just stupid in general. Before he could help it tears were filling his eyes which was bad for two reasons; one crying would made him look like an overemotional freak and two if he cried Alex would most likely try to hug him again. Physical contact was not something Zack liked at all.

"What did you say?" There's no way I'm opening my mouth ever again Zack thought. "Did, did you say home? Do you want to go home? We can do that buddy, I can tell your doctor and he'll let you come home with me. He told me like three years ago you can get out whenever you want. Do you want to come home?"

Zack drew his eyebrows together, trying hard to focus on not sounding like an idiot this time but that didn't help much. "Home." He knew he needed to say more but he couldn't bring himself to say anything else instead he nodded this time as he repeated the word hoping that would convey his message.

"I'm so proud of you Zack! Stay here, I'm gonna go get a nurse." Alex rushed out of the room excitement written all over his face. Zack however wasn't sure how he felt, his emotions were all over the place."Tell her, tell her what you told me!" Alex ordered excitedly, holding one of the nurses arms.

"Home."

"Zack, are you trying to say you want to go home with Alex? Do you understand what that means?"

Zack nodded in the nurse's general direction relieved when he heard her leave.

"She's getting your doctor, they're calling him in so you can come home with me tonight. Are you excited?" Zack didn't respond but that didn't seem to bother Alex who continued to ramble on and on about how happy and proud he was until finally Zack's doctor arrived.

"Good evening, Mr. Gaskarth, I here you're wanting to take Zack home, is that correct?" Alex nodded, moving to give the doctor his seat while he took one next to Zack. "And is that okay with you Mr. Merrick?" Zack nodded, hoping he wouldn't have to answer too many more questions. "Good, as you know, Mr. Gaskarth, Zack has made no real progress during his stay here however it has been about five years since his suicide attempt and we don't think he poses a threat to himself or anyone else. We're going to need you to fill out some paperwork, you too Zack, but then he is free to leave with you."

They spent the next ten minutes filling out countless forms most of them saying the same thing: Zack will not try and hurt himself again and if he does Alex will notify someone in order to keep him safe. It was sort of embarrassing and Zack could feel himself blushing, Alex must have noticed this because he put a hand on Zack's knee which Zack quickly shook off.

"Okay, you're just about ready to go, we just need to go over some stuff to help you both keep Zack on track. First, while we do consider Zack to be stable you will need to check in on him once every hour and a few times during the night. Zack your friend, Mr. Gaskarth, is really trusting you so if you start to feel suicidal you need to say something. Zack takes his medicine at night, the nurse will give you the prescription along with instructions regarding his dosage. If there's any problems either of you can feel free to call me but do you have any questions for now?"

"What about the talking?" Alex asked immediately.

"What about it? As you've seen tonight your friend Mr. Merrick is more than capable of speech, he simply chooses not to engage verbally and most times physically as well. Zack picks when he wants to respond, he sometimes spends days alone in his bedroom barely moving and not uttering a single word but that is his choice and I cannot do anything about it nor can you. There's nothing wrong with him except the way he acts."

Zack felt tears spring to his eyes again, his doctor was such a jerk sometimes. He wasn't "acting" he just didn't ever feel good and he didn't want to talk or engage with other people.

"I believe I've upset Zack. That's another thing you should note, your friend is very fragile, any little thing can set him off. Especially that boy named Jack."

"We dont have to talk about that," Alex quickly interjected, seeing the tears rolling down Zack's face.

"But that only furthers his avoidance. What Zack needs to do is confront the situation that happened with Jack, accept rejection, and move on. I think-"

"Thank you for your time doctor but I think Zack and I are ready to go."

The doctor looked like he wanted to say more but instead he simply sighed looking defeated as he muttered, "Good luck."