This Is Gospel

The urgent ringing of my cell phone jolts my mind into consciousness. Drowsily, I pick up the phone and hit accept. “Hello?” I mumble in a groggy voice, sitting as far up as my bunk would allow.

“Brendon? It’s Sam. Can you come home?” My mind takes a minute to catch up.

Sam… Evelyn’s brother… Evelyn. I am now fully awake and a sense of urgency fills my body. “Is she okay?” is all I can manage to form as I begin to jump down from my bunk and throw on the first pair of converses that I can find, not caring if they were mine or even if they matched.

“She tried again. Things aren’t looking good. What state are you in?” Things aren’t looking good.

“I’m in Utah. I’ll catch the next plane home. Tell her I am on my way. Tell her to hold on.” I hang up and shove the phone into my pocket. I search through piles of clutter that had accumulated on our tour bus. I finally find my wallet and then I grab a pen and paper and scribble a note to the band: Gone back to Nevada for Evelyn. That’s all I write, that’s all they need to know. With that being done I run out the door and make way for the airport.


The plane ride drags on into an eternity that even the heartless would deem torturous. The plane finally lands in the Las Vegas airport and I find myself running through seas of human beings like a protagonist in a corny 90’s romantic comedy. Somehow I catch a taxi before the rush of business people that had caught the same red eye that I had and before I know it I am standing at the doors to the emergency room of the hospital. I check my phone one more time to make sure that this was the hospital that Sam had said. It was and my heart beat escalated. Is this the end?


I walk through the doors and am immediately greeted by Sam. He looks as if he hasn’t slept in years, with the way the black circles line his eyes and the way his face was paler than normal. Without exchanging any words, we hug. We’ve been through this situation now a fair amount, but this time there is finality in the air that neither of us can deny. And we know that all we have through this is each other, because what waits for us in the waiting room doesn’t care about Evelyn or remembering her but only what they can benefit from.

“She has been here all night. She won’t leave.” Sam says with a quite playful whine in his voice as if he is trying to cling to the sense of humor that has helped us before. I chuckle a bit, more out of support for him and then I take a deep breath.

“Does she know I am here?” Sam just shakes his head and then leads me into the waiting room where the woman sits. The woman sits there in her perfect clothing that reek of money she doesn’t have. She is tapping away on a cell phone, as if she doesn’t care about the situation around her. She is acting like a woman half her age but looks like a woman three times that. She diverts her gaze to me and shifts into a glare.

“What are you doing here?” She growls in her usual hateful tone. I roll my eyes.

“I was just going to ask you the same thing.”

“I am her mother.”

“Hasn’t done much good before.” I snap at her before taking a seat in the chair furthest away from the woman and look up at Sam. “Tell me everything.”

“I found her when I came home from work. She had locked herself in the bathroom; I had to break down the door.”

“What did she try this time?”

“A mixture of diet pills and cutting her wrists. She was determined.” I bring a hand up to my forehead and rub it gently, sighing as I do. All I can think of is what Evelyn told me that the woman would say to her.

You would be gorgeous if you lost about 100 pounds or so.
You would be stunning if you lost more weight.
You would be sure to find a husband if you looked like…

“Are you happy with yourself?” I ask, not stating the intended subject but everyone kind of assumed what I meant. “Are you fucking happy? You are going to lose your daughter, but hell she is on the way out just the way you always imagined. Seeking perfection that you were too conceited to see is already there. She is gorgeous. Always has been.”

“You better-” She started but was cut off by the doctor walking up to us.


All of our eyes are fixated on the doctor as he describes the situation. Most of it flies over my head, but the message still reaches me. She is dying.

“How long?” I ask, closing my eyes and hanging my head down while trying to control the tears that were inevitably on their way. I want to scream at him, scream at him to do more, to save her life, but I know there is nothing that can be done.

“I’d be surprised if she made it through the night.” The tension that surrounds us could be cut with a knife. “I can lead you back to her room, if you’d like. However, I am going to say this, say your goodbyes, mend your fences. Do what you can live with. Now is not the time to fight with her or put blame on anyone. Just reassure her. She is scared.”

With that ringing in our ears, he leads us to her room. For a moment, the three of us stand outside of it looking at the door. We stare at it as if we don’t enter the room, nothing will happen. Evelyn will remain alive and we won’t have to confront losing someone this pivotal to our lives.

It is Sam that makes the first move towards the door. He grabs the handle and pushes slightly, slowing causing the door to open. In a single file line, we all trail into the room. The lights are off, but there is a soft glow that emanates from the endless amounts of machines that she is hooked up to.

My eyes study each machine individually before landing on Evelyn. She looks so tiny next to everything. Her normally vibrant skin has lost its luster, her lips chapped and pale, her eyes fogged. But, despite all that I can still see the woman I fell in love with. Her hair, though a tangled mess, still falls in gentle ringlets. Her eyes fall on me and her smile, that smile, graces her lips and I swear my heart skips a beat. “Hi.” She wheezes tiredly.


“Oh my poor baby.” The woman cries dramatically, as she flings herself by Evelyn’s bedside. “Oh my poor daughter.” She cries again, overemphasizing the word my. “I wish there was something I could have done. Anything. I would go back and do any of it!”

Evelyn and Sam exchange a look that screams annoyance. “Mom. Don’t.” Evelyn says in a harsh and angry tone.

“There is no need to talk to me like that.” The woman says as she forces out a few crocodile tears. “I am in the middle of losing my daughter! I am allowed to get emotional.”

“If it were real, it would be allowed.” Evelyn states. “Not once in my entire life have you ever cared about my true well being. You only care when you can get something out of it. When you can get sympathy because you have to bury me. Well, Mom, you buried me a long time ago. I have waited years to say this to you. But, you did this to yourself and I will not allow you to make me feel a shred of sympathy for you.” Once she stops speaking, Evelyn deflates into the bed and uses the rest of her energy to catch her breath.

“What can I say? I’m sorry? I-I didn’t realize.” The woman seems to have retreated into herself, but this is only a face to try and seem like the victim of this situation.

“You did. You realized this a long time ago, but it became so easy for you to ignore the problem. Well, you can’t anymore, here it is.”

“I just hope you know I do love you.” When she says these words, there is no act. These words come out true. The woman’s eyes meet and connect with Evelyn. “I am so sorry.” She whispers as if it all makes sense to her now. Real tears are now visibly welling up in her eyes, but not a one falls.

“Mom. I love you and I forgive you.” The woman, Evelyn’s mother embraces Evelyn in a hug that seems to wash away all the pain and the hatred that has been stock piling for years.


Her mother leaves the room, presumably to get some much needed air. That just leaves me and Sam with her. Sam pulls a chair up next to her bed and reaches to hold her hand. She offers it to him willingly. They smile at each other that same smile that they have shared since they were kids. The smile that only they knew. The smile that would never include the tormentors of their formative years. Sam and Evelyn were each other’s everything from early on in life. They were the perfect pieces to a two piece puzzle. They never needed anyone else when they had each other.
“How are you holding up, sis?” He asks her, a quiver in his that he didn’t even try to hide.

“Honestly. I’m scared.” She says. “I-I didn’t want to say anything in front of Mom, but I am scared out of my mind.” Sam squeezes her hand.

“I know, sis. I know. It’s natural to be scared.”

“What do you think it’s like?” She asks in a tone that had changed to a dark place. “Do you think it hurts? Do you think it’s relieving? Surprisingly, I’ve never put much thought into it.”

“I think it’s walking into another room. I think it’s like one moment you are in your body, in your mind and the next you are floating towards the next adventure.”

“Do you think there will be a God?” I hear her whisper, with a faint sound of doubt in her voice.

“I’m not certain, but if there is He or She is waiting to help you, sis.” He says, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Sammy. Please. Don’t cry.” Evelyn pleads, her voice cracking and tears starting to roll down her face. “I don’t want you to be upset.”

“I just- don’t know what I am going to do. I need you Evelyn. I need you by my side. I can’t-” He opens his eyes and lets the tears flow freely. “I can’t not see you everyday. I can’t not hear your voice. I can’t not talk to you every day. What I am going to do now?”

“Here’s what you are going to do. You are going to keep going. You are going to work hard, go back to school, find the man of your dreams and marry him. And then one day you are going to adopt a little girl and name her Evelyn because you love me that much.” Evelyn says, laughter filling her words at the end. Sam smiles at her and then wipes his face.

“Why would I want to name her Evelyn? My daughter is so going to be a Samantha.” He chuckles.

“God, you are so conceited.” Evelyn smiles and then takes her hand and reaches up and caresses his cheek. “I love you, bro.”

“I love you more, sis.” Sam forces out a smile for her, to seem strong, to give her some hope that his life will continue on even after she has left our presence.


After a few moments of sibling love, Evelyn’s eyes find their way to me. “Sam, could you give me and Brendon a few moments alone?” Sam nods courteously and then gets up and leaves the room, patting my back as he does.

I am frozen in fear. I am afraid to take a step closer to her, a step closer to the end. “Brendon.” She says, looking at me with eyes of remorse and apology.
“Evelyn.” I say back, looking at the ground versus her. I can’t even bare to look at her now that we are alone. If I look at her, it becomes real. I am losing her and I know there is nothing that I can do to change this. But I cannot help thinking that I could have done something a long time ago. If I had only toured less, if I had done more to make her happy.

“Brendon, how long have we known each other?” She asks me, innocently enough. The question takes me aback for a brief moment; I don’t exactly know how to answer.

“A long time.” I reply, studying the tiles on the floor with some intensity. “Since kindergarten, I think.”

“Yes, since kindergarten. I have known you for pretty much my entire life. And ever since I have known you, I haven’t imagined spending the rest of my life with anyone else. Brendon, we have been together for a long time and you have made me the happiest woman ever. I have never felt safer than when you hold me in your arms. You are the love of my life.” She pauses, takes a deep breath. “And I know you. Somewhere deep in your mind, you are putting the blame all on yourself. You are blaming it on the music, when we both know that this is how it was always supposed to end.”

“Evelyn… Please.” I pry my eyes from the ground and look at her forest green eyes strike me so hard I am nearly breathless. “Fight for me. Don’t give up just yet. We have so much more that we need to do. We are just starting. We haven’t even had our wedding yet…” Her face softens and she reaches for me. I approach the side of the bed and sit gently down on the mattress. She places her hand on my knee and gently caresses my jeans. I watch her face as it slowly destructs into an emotional mess. Tears well up and slide down her pale face. Without a second thought, I reach my hand up and wipe them away. “Please baby. I’m not ready to give up on you.”



I want to speak; I want to tell her that regardless of how much I love her I can’t let her go. But, despite that, no words will form. Instead, I crawl into the bed with her and reposition her so she is comfortable in my arms. I hold her safely in my arms and close to my body, absorbing her warmth and scent. I run my hand up her back, as if memorizing the gentle curve of her body. I feel her head tilt up and look at me, so I look down at her. Without a second thought, I connect our lips in a gentle kiss that sends my body into a whole other realm of awareness. It’s as if my body realizes that soon she will no longer be in my arms, her lips will no longer grace mine, and her soul will no longer be bound to mine in a sharp twist of fate. We break the kiss, but stay holding each other.

It seems like an eternity passes with me just holding her. But, then, I hear the inevitable sound that causes my stomach to drop fifty thousand feet. The inevitable sound that has the opportunity to crush my entire being. The sound of my love’s life ending, the sound of her flat lining. Doctors rush in, but soon realize it is too late. They don’t try to move me, for I am now clinging to her lifeless body. Tears are rushing down my face in a tidal wave of emotion. I gasp for air as I let out an unearthly sob. She is gone. I no longer have my sweet love to call my own.

I soon pry myself away from her body and leave the room. I lean against the wall just outside her room and put my head in my hands. I try with all of my power to control my breathing, to control my heart. I try to recompose myself so no one else sees me fall apart again. I wipe my tears away from my face and walk towards the seating area where Sam and Evelyn’s mother wait for news.

The world will shine a little less fervently know without her here, but I can rest assured knowing that she died in my arms. She died with a sense of security, with the sense of safety that had been denied her most of her life. There is nothing romantic about her passing. She died due to a life time of hardships and teardowns that I wish I had been there to change. I wish I had stopped for just one moment to realize how much she really needed me. My heart will beat on without her, and I will fall to pieces without her soul bound to mine. But, I am content with knowing she has let go of her pain.