Here One Minute, Gone the Next

Wait, What?

It is currently 4:00 a.m. The other guys are all still asleep and I am sitting on the bathroom floor right now, sipping wet. I slept for a couple hours, but I had terrible nightmares. I haven't had them in a few days, but something triggered them. I usually have extremely vivid dreams that I am convinced are real life. Even when I wake up I am convinced whatever just happened in my dream actually is true. The only thing that helps me slip from my false reality is jumping in a freezing shower. So once I woke up frightened on the pullout, I did not hesitate running to the shower and turning on the coldest of water over my trembling body. Between the cold water in the cold room and the realistic horror of the dream, I was a shaking mess. It just seemed so real and I have no idea what it means. My dream went something like this:

I was in the backseat of my parent's car next to Dave and we were heading out for a movie. Dave and I were both teenagers, so we were begging to see the newest risky comedy. It is nice to see Dave smiling again, because he is pretty secluded and upset majority of the time. He refuses to tell me what is wrong, and he is pissed at our parents for an unknown reason. We are at a stoplight and a mysterious girl is standing on the sidewalk looking in our direction smirking, but I can see tears running down her face. She is about our age. I glance at Dave and he has an unreadable expression as he stares at the girl. Tears well up in his eyes and he never breaks eye contact with the girl as he yells, "Mom, Dad!! Please! Let her in here! I swear to God if you don't, then I will! How can you not help her? Do you even care? Shit. Do it, now!" I was curious as to why he was so concerned, but he was scaring me with his tone of voice. My parents did not even look phased or like they heard him as they continued staring forward. The light turned green and Dave was freaking out. What happened next is where it all goes downhill. Dave lunges from his seat and stabs our Dad in his neck whilst screaming at him to let the girl in. My parents still looked unphased even with blood gushing from my Dad's neck. I don't know how to react, and I feel stunned. Dave continues by punching our Mom in the face, opening her door, and pushes her out into moving traffic. I scream in horror and protest. Dave is so determined that he ignores me and does the same to our Dad. He next grabs the steering wheel and turns around the car to return in the direction of the girl. We kept getting rammed into by cars on all sides and all I feel is pain. At the corner, the girl awaits with the same expression. Dave quickly exits the car pulling me with him. The car is on fire. Dave is hysterical and I am too, for completely different reasons. The girl hugs Dave and turns to me and plainly says, "Don't hate me. We are all each other has." With that she hugged me too and our entire surroundings exploded and the last thing I was conscious for was witnessing bodies flying everywhere, mangled and burnt.
~end dream~

The entire thing keeps playing in my head and I am an emotional wreck. I have subconsciously been scratching at my legs in desperate attempts to refrain from hurting myself. For God's sake, I am 24 and should not be this much of a wreck from a dream. I have been nonstop crying for about an hour. I cannot handle this mental instability. I have been good about not cutting for the past few days, but I need to feel some control. I frantically search the bathroom for anything to use, and I find complimentary disposable razors in a drawer by the sink. I put the razor on the ground and stomp on it to release a blade. I passed out when we got to the room, so I still had shoes on. Once a blade was out I hurriedly grabbed it and pressed it against my left wrist making a few deep, long cuts. It felt nice to control something, and the physical pain subsided my mental pain and I felt better. I wrapped the blade and the remainders of the razor in toilet paper and disposed of them. I quickly cleaned my wounds and the mess to hide what I just did from the guys. My mind felt cloudy and I ran my fingers through my hair while sighing deeply.

Once I started feeling drowsy again, I rose to go to the couch to maybe attempt sleep. As I reached for the door knob it hit me. I just relapsed. I felt extremely disappointed in myself and felt hot tears fall down my cheeks. Damn my emotions. I walked out of the bathroom and there stood Justin with arms crossed leaning against the wall appearing drowsy, but upset. Next to him was a slouching Kellin staring at me with tears threatening to fall. My eyes drop to the floor as I instinctively cross my arms to hide the evidence, but I know they know. Justin says, "Stephanie... what's wrong? Why would you do this?... Please talk to us. We just want to make you better."

"I-I don't know what you are t-talking about. I sim-simply went to the bathroom. I had a nightma-are, b-but I am okay now." Justin didn't look convinced whatsoever at my feeble attempts to lie. He looked at Kellin who appeared to just barely stay composed. Without saying anything, Kellin came to me and gently took my hands facing the underside up. You could see 6 deep red lines slashed across my wrist threatening to bleed once again. I just let it happen because it would be a waste of energy to try to hide it now. I couldn't look either of them in the eye. Justin walked away only to return a little later with a first aid kit from the hall closet. Kellin remained unmoving, and hold in my hands. Justin cleaned my cuts and wrapped them securely in gauze. He simply kissed the bandages and walked away. The simple gesture meant so much to me and a new wave of tears rushed over me.

I swiftly hugged Justin and refused to let go like he was my lifeline. I mumbled, "I'm so sorry. Th-thanks. Please do not hate me-e. It was a-a slip up. I didn-nt want to do-o it." I was sobbing and he just hugged back, said it is okay, them went to bed. I turned around and encased Kellin in my arms. We held each other crying. He slightly rubbed my back and spoke softly, "I understand, hun. Please, do not do it again. Just... tell someone next time. Before you do it. We all love you. Wrists are for bracelets." I brokenly replied, "Not for cutting." He looked into my swollen eyes with his. The clock on the bedside table read 5:03 now, and we were to leave this room in an hour and a half to get on the road. I was exhausted, so I didn't hesitate when Kellin lead me to his bed.

He layed down and pulled me down with him. His arm rested over my stomach while his fingers on the other hand played with my hair. My face was in the crook of his neck and I breathed in his scent. Kellin lightly hummed and I drifted to sleep once again, this time without nightmares. Much too soon, we were waking up to go back to the bus to continue our drive to Houston. Whoever chose to make the Alaska date and the Houston date right next to each other was not considering the shitty traveling I guess. Kellin and I shared his bunk once on the bus again in order to feel some security. None of the guys questioned my gauze, but then again everyone was half asleep anyways.

I slept for what felt like a year, but it was actually just a few hours. It was around noon and we still had a really long way to go. Majority of the time I was sleeping in order to avoid being questioned about my fresh scars. Kellin and Justin spent lots of time by me, but the other guys still talked to me and included me as per normal, and I was thankful for normalcy. I still was shaken from the night before, but I felt much better compared to right after I woke up from the dream. Today I texted Vic a little bit and Kristy. Even Austin was texting me asking a few personal questions to get to know me better I suppose. He knows lots about me now, because he asked a lot. He was really getting in depth too. A lot of the questions were aimed to when I lived in Ohio. I thought it was strange, but it distracted me from dying of boredom.

The rest of the drive was fairly uneventful to say the least. Unless you consider snacking, getting gas, watching tv, sleeping, and mindless chatter exciting. The next day we arrived to Houston at 3:00 in the afternoon. The guys perform at 6:45, and I immediately have work until 9. We all showered and got ready quickly. Dawn kept smiling at me when I arrived, and I was about to question her when I realized that today was surprise day. Joy. I really am excited, but I have several hours until anything happens I guess. It was 6:30 and I had just checked out a group of 4 girls who were in a hurry to make it to the stage to watch my boys. Dawn said, "You know what? I am letting you go now. No consequences. Just go watch their set and enjoy yourself hun. You are young and need to have some fun. Go on now!" I smiled widely at her and did not hesitate to run off to the stage.

I arrived a little late, but it was fine. Since I was backstage I didn't have to worry about getting a good spot. I watched the guys perform their hearts out. It is rare to see a group with so much passion. I scanned through the crowd and saw the same girl I talked to Vic about in Alaska! Strange. What was weirder was when I looked at her she was watching me. Not the guys. Again, she ducked away when I caught sight of her. I swear I have seen her before! Somewhere... ugh. This is so frustrating. Sleeping With Sirens finished the set and exited, happy to see that I was able to come. I mentally thanked Dawn for her compassion, and went to the us with the guys to freshen up. I missed Pierce The Veil, but Of Mice & Men were on at 8:15 to close off the day.

They had a great show that I found really impressive. I really have to do something nice for Dawn since she let me go early. Austin seemed extra excited today, and I can only assume it is whatever is happening to me tonight. The anticipation is killing me, but there is not much I can do. Austin said for me to meet up at his bus with whoever else I wanted to bring. I decided that all of Pierce The Veil and Sleeping With Sirens should come, so they joined me. I was extremely nervous now and felt jittery. Kellin held my hand and gently stroked his thumb over the back of my hand. Once we made it to the bus I took in a deep breathe.

We entered and closed the door behind us. The bus looked similar to ours, but it was bigger. There was nothing special about it, so I have hints as to what my surprise is. All of the guys were smiling big when Austin walked in saying, "Hey! You're here. Awesome! So, just to start off... you know what? I am not going to do any of the speaking. You stay standing there, everyone get comfy. I will be back."

If I wasn't nervous then, I surely am now. Austin walked back in. Looked at me, then behind him. Next the girl I saw in the crowd walked in and studied me. She had a huge smile on her face with her hand partially covering her mouth in awe. She had some tears in her eyes and she ran up to me and hugged me. I hesitated before hugging back and all of the guys' eyes were on us. The girl was tall like me with gauges, a nose piercing, a tattoo sleeve, and hair similar to mine. After I think about it, we look a lot alike. She pulls away and finally speaks up, "Steph, My God. It is you. I cannot believe it. I am sure you don't remember me by that look you have." She chuckles and wipes under her eyes. Remember her? So I do know her from somewhere. She spoke again, "Well, let's start off with basics... I am Jaycie. I am 26 years old and... Well... how do I say this. I am your sister."

Oh, she is my sister. Wait, what? I don't have a sister! "What are you talking about? I only have a brother." She only smiles and motions for me to sit. I sit down next to Kellin and she explains, "Okay. I really am your sister I swear. You are 2 years younger than me, and we have a brother, Dave. He is 29. You guys moved to California when I was 15 with mom and dad. I never got along with them, so I was never at home. I lived with our aunt from when I was 8 to when she died when was 14. I only visited home occasionally to visit Dave. We lost contact after you moved, and I never talked to you or saw you when we were little for 2 reasons. 1. Mom and dad favored you over me, and they didn't want me to "defile you with my stupidity" or some shit like that. 2. I hated you when we were younger because you were the loved child, I was not. But I realized it was not your fault, so I wanted to do good and start a sibling relationship with you. If you like..."

This was so much to take in. It all makes sense though. Why I felt like I knew her. Why Dave wasn't the same after we moved. It is so clear. I had so many questions when I was younger that are answered now. I haven't responded, but I keep blinking and looking at her. My eyes begin to water and I stand and hug her. My sister. Wow. She shakes from happy crying and the guys are still looking our way with happy expressions. I have so many questions, but that is for later. Right now I need to appreciate what is happening now. We release each other, smile, and laugh a little. This is great I turn and hug Austin, because he must be behind this somehow. So many questions. Austin says, "There is one more thing..." Jaycie and I both look confused. Then the front bus door opens and my jaw drops. Dave. Jaycie looks at him and Dave immediately runs to her, picks her up, and spins her around. Next, we have a reunion hug with everyone crying and blubbering over how much we have all missed.

Austin is literally the best guy ever. I think Jaycie and him have a thing because they look at each other with something more than normal friends or acquaintances would. I have so much I want to talk about, but in this moment I feel complete. I look over Dave's shoulder and see Kellin looking at me. I walk over to him and give him a huge hug and a kiss to show that I appreciate him. He had to have had involvement. The room filled with awes and this as where I belonged. With my family. It is a fucked family full of famous band members, a disconnected group of siblings, and an understanding that makes it the best family I could ask for.
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So, yeah :) I hope you all enjoy this story, I know I enjoy writing it! This story actually connects with my Austin Carlile fanfic titled I Need Your Love. It tells the story from Jaycie's P.O.V. you guys should comment if you came to read this story because of the one it connects with or vice versa. I love you all, and I will update as much as I can :)