Here One Minute, Gone the Next

Once Vic left the bus the guys went ballistic. Jesse and Jack raced to the bathroom to get the sweat off of their bodies from performing. Justin and Gabe went to the bunks to choose what outfits they should wear to impress the ladies tonight. Kristy and I simply screeched and giggled together at the thought of going to an actual party with our favorite bands! I have no idea who was going to end up there. I never got around to see exactly who all was going on this tour this year. Kellin was being the parent of the group by saying,"Okay, so I know things can get crazy so let's set up some ground rules.." Sounds of disapproval erupted from the group as Kellin continued,"Rule number 1: If you are going to get laid, don't be a fool, wrap your tool. 2: We aren't paying for the alcohol, so be sure to drink your fill. That shit is free. 3: Make this the fucking best party of your lives!" Okay, so not exactly the text book parent speech, but it gets the point across I suppose. I have never been drunk, I only once had some alcohol at my cousin DeeDee's wedding, and it wasn't much. The thought of being around drunks slightly terrified me. Derrick was drunk 85% of the time when he would beat me, so I am uneasy at the thought of being surrounded by these people. I want to have fun and not freak out though, so I push my anxiety to the back of my mind. Besides, Kristy is here and I want her to not worry about me.

Kristy and I begin working on perfecting our makeup while the guys finish cleaning and freshening themselves up. Gabe, Jack, and Jesse run off to Pierce The Veil's bus first. Kellin is in the back changing his clothes since he is a perfectionist. It was silent for a moment in the living room with Justin, Kristy, and myself until Kristy said,"I am going to take a piss. Be back whenever." I laughed to myself at how blunt she could be and I saw Justin with a smirk playing on his lips. Damn Kellin takes longer to get ready than I do! In the mean time, Justin moved next to me and said,"So, how is Stephanie feeling today? Or let's be more specific. How do you feel about tonight?" He looks me dead in the eyes as I feel my breathe hitch slightly. I know that I told them about what happened, but I wasn't expecting them to well, relate it to anything else. I lied and said,"Oh, I am really excited! It sounds like it will be fun with jokes, dancing, alcohol... I hope it is as fun as you make it sound at least!" He doesn't looks convinced and says,"Well, I thought being around hella drunk people might make you uncomfortable because of Derrick beating you when he drank." Way to put it all out there Justin. It is nice to know that he gets it though. "It does worry me a little, but I will be fine... I always am.", I say the last part quietly. Justin simply nods and says," Okay, but if you feel even slightly nervous or anything come to me. Or any of the guys for that matter. You can trust me though, just remember that." I nod my head and we hug each other.

As we're pulling away Kellin walks out looking perfect. He is wearing a short sleeve button up that is black and grey with black skinny jeans and toms. His hair is laying perfectly as usual, but there is an unreadable expression on his face. It is there for a second before he changes it to one of happiness. Kristy steps out of the bathroom and we head off for the party. Kristy says,"I just want to fangirl so bad, but I can't. Nope. Gotta be cool yo" I laugh at her and say,"Please, Kristy don't go all Swag Princess on me." She used to put up this persona all the time when we were friends to cheer me up. I must have looked a little down, or she was feeling like lightening the mood since the walk was really awkward and quiet so far.She kept up the act and said,"Nuh-uh homegirl. I be twerking into that bus because bitch I am fabulous! You know you love me. Imma tweet that I am goin to a bangin party tonight with bae. #YOLOSWAG." She was snapping her fingers in all directions and I was laughing so hard. I couldn't help it. Kristy was laughing too while Kellin and Justin just smiled and looked at us like we were crazy. I quickly toned it down though because I can't let loose around other people as easily as I used to.

Kristy and I held hands and swung our arms super exaggerated and interlocked fingers. This is the friendship I immensely missed the pass few years. After walking with minimal chatter for a few minutes longer, we arrived to the bus and there were flashing lights, blaring music, and the smell of alcohol. Everywhere. I was still holding hands with Kristy, but I felt a squeeze on my free hand. I looked over to see Justin giving me a reassuring look as Kellin opened the bus door to reveal the party. Both of my hands remained occupied as we entered the party. Kellin went in first, followed by Justin pulling me in with Kristy behind me. There were already a lot of people on the bus. All of Pierce The Veil, all of Sleeping With Sirens, Jack, Alex, and Rian from All Time Low, Tino, Austin, Alan, and Aaron from Of Mice & Men, Andy and CC from Black Veil Brides, and a few others from smaller bands on the tour. Everyone was either dancing or doing stupid shit while drinking the night away.

After we entered Kellin went to catch up with other band members straight away. I was a little disappointed since he hasn't talked to me much since we got back to his bus. I mean, I am still an employee and I guess I shouldn't feel attached or anything. I can turn my emotions off in an instant. Derrick gave me lots of practice with that. Justin gave me one last reassuring squeeze on my hand before heading off to the table where a game of beer pong was being played. Once he left I felt super vulnerable. I still had Kristy basically jumping in anticipation next to me, but she doesn't understand just how nervous I am. She doesn't even know the extent of what has happened over the past few years. I need to escape my past and be who I really am again. I am sick of feeling shackled to myself because of fucking Derrick.

I lean over to Kristy and say,"Go out and have fun girl! Get yourself partied up now before it ends! I will be hanging around wherever if you need me." She gave me a skeptical look and I just nodded to shoo her away to the drink table. I felt like I was shaking. Kristy and I were the life of the party in college. Now I can barely handle being at one. I never needed booze to make me carefree, but I am not so sure about that anymore. I decide to man up and walk into the block of people farther. I slide past grinding bodies and dancing figures to make it to the basically unoccupied couch. All of the random girls just bombarded the bus, and I want no part in that. I didn't even see anyone I personally knew over the sweating bodies, so I began to feel panicked. I pulled out my phone to distract me, but I don't have anything really on it yet. Useless. I stood up and pushed my way through the sea of people to get to the door. I am not leaving, I just need air. Countless drinks have been spilled on me already. The alcohol was really getting to me. I could feel myself breathing heavily and getting really nervous. What the fuck? I never was this way with Derrick. I never had this much anxiety. Why am I all the sudden unable to cope with this?

The door is within my reach when I feel someone grasp my shoulder. I whip around to see a man I do not recognize in the least. I mean, he was tall and stocky. Buzzed hair and was not drunk it seemed, but he held a drink. I was scared shitless. He just had a menacing look in his eye. I pull to try and escape but he only grips me harder. I know I am hyperventilating now. I scan the area for Justin, Kellin, Kristy, anybody! But none of them are in sight. Shit. The guy pulls me up to the drivers cab and locks the blockade before pushing me into the passenger seat. I struggle to say,"P-please. St-top. I need air. Let m-me go." He only gripped my thighs tightly and forced his lips on my neck, sloppily kissing and sucking on it. I was crying now and struggled to push him off of my body. The arm rests were digging into me and his touch hurt a lot and made me feel sick. Well, even more sick than I already felt.

I think back to all the time Derrick hurt me, but he never violated me quite like this. It pissed me off! Who as this man to force himself on me when I clearly told him to stop? I gathered some strength to kick his balls with all my might. He grunted and rolled off of me. I stomped on his man area one last time before unlocking the driver door and running outside. Tears were streaming down my face and I didn't care in the least. I went to the side of the bus, sat on the ground, and cried. I couldn't help myself. I had to. There was a small table out here that had a pack of beer, a bottle of vodka, and some soda. I am not one to drink, but I would rather forget this night. I open a beer to start off. I enjoy the taste of it and finish it off quickly. I love feeling this relief. I am instantly relaxed. I am still not content with my life though, I want to forget about it all. Just for little while. I don't even bother with the soda and take a giant swig of vodka. It really burns my throat, but before I can react I take 3 more gulps. I am still crying lightly and open a soda just to get rid of some of the discomfort.

Before I can drink anymore the door swings open and there goes Kristy running off with Austin Carlile. She looks back for a second and I just give her a thumbs up. She was too far away to see my tear stained face though. I sigh loudly at the sudden increase of the music volume. I get up to shut the door and what I see breaks my heart. There is a super slutty girl sitting on a countertop with Kellin in between her legs and they are making out. Wow, so I guess I need to stop staring now. Let's just close that door and continue drowning myself in alcohol. I am starting to see why Derrick is so appealed to it. I knew that Kellin was just being nice to me. Obviously he is a rock star with major sex appeal and can do whatever and whoever he wants. Why should I feel upset? He is just doing what he feels like doing. I cannot convince myself though. I really became attached to him even if I didn't want to. He seemed so genuine. Oh well, this was expected I suppose. In the heat of the moment I grab the vodka and drink. Drink the pain way. Half of the bottle is gone and I really want to cut. Like, really bad. God, I guess alcohol really is a depressant. I have nothing to do it with though.

I slip up the stairs stumbling and see Kellin still with that girl dancing this time though. Kristy is gone, so I guess Justin works. If he isn't here I am finding my way back by myself. Justin has somehow lead me to believe he can be trusted, so I do. Maybe it is the vodka talking, but whatever. I find him sitting by the beer pong table again and he seems to be enjoying himself. I don't want to make him leave just because I am feeling upset, so I find myself leaning on the wall by him watching the beer game take place. Sometime while I was standing, Justin's hand found mine. I looked down at him and he scooted over motioning for me to sit next to him. So, I did. He put his arm around me and said,"How are you doing hun?" I shrugged and kinda laughed. Nothing was funny, but he joined along anyways. I don't know why, but I was losing it! I have never laughed this hard in my life. I finally answered and said,"I am fucking peachy. My best friend is off with a guy, which I really am proud of! The guy I like is dancing with a slut, so good on him! A guy tried to have sex with me earlier, but I kicked his balls, and I drank a lot of vodka. I am good." I leaned against his shoulder and he just rubbed my arm in understanding. Neither of us were laughing anymore and we just sat as I felt the tears filling my eyes. Justin took my chin with his fingers and moved my face to look at him. He had a sympathetic look on his face and said,"Let's go back to the bus hun, I think it is time to go. We can talk it out if you want. Remember I am here for you. Let me take Kristy's place for the night, kay? BFFs for life sweetie." I smiled and nodded not trusting my voice anymore. He took my hand and lead me back to the bus door to make our way to Sleeping With Sirens' bus.

The moment we stepped outside, the man that tried to make me have sex with him came out from the back of the bus. He smirked at me and I latched onto Justin. I whispered,"That is the guy that tried to force me to.." before i could finish, Justin ran to the guy and punched him to the ground. The man fell and Justin returned to me saying," Lets go home." The walk felt long and was uneventful. We just held hands and stumbled together since we both had a lot to drink. I am so glad to have Justin as a friend. He seems to just get what I am feeling. I barely have to say anything and he goes all big brother on me. Once we reached our bus we took turns in the bathroom getting ready to sleep. It was close to 2 in the morning now. I layed on the couch letting the air conditioning cool me down and relax me. I miss the cold sometimes, since I used to live in Ohio I always found winter enjoyable. It never gets ridiculously freezing here though.

Justin came out and kneeled next to me after laying a blanket over my body. He kissed my forehead to soothe me and said,"Do you want to talk right now or we can talk during the drive tomorrow?" I felt really sleepy as fatigue took over and replied,"Tomorrow sounds good, and Justin? Thanks. Thanks for being a good friend. You feel like a big brother to me and I appreciate that since I haven't spoken to my brother in so long." I kissed his cheek and he joked saying," Dammit, friendzoned. No! Even worse. Brotherzoned. Just kidding, I see you as a little sister too. Just... something makes me want to protect you and keep you happy. Welp! Off to bed! G'night!" I smile and say,"Goodnight Justin, talk to you tomorrow." He walks away and right before I pass out, Kellin slams in the door with that girl. I am sure I heard my heart shatter into a million pieces. They walk back to Kellin's bunk area and I feel sunk. I curl up in a ball and silently cry. I feel someone touch my back and I flinch away. I see a really tired and annoyed Justin sitting by my feet with a blanket."Scoot over. I am sharing with you. It is gonna be a long night hun." With that, he put his feet on the outside of the couch, mine on the inside with our heads on opposite ends with our own blankets. I fell asleep to the sounds of Kellin and the girl having a fun time and tears falling down my face. I knew something would have to get fucked up eventually.