Here One Minute, Gone the Next

I passed out immediately after Justin and I settled in on the couch. I didn't hear the others come back. I didn't hear the slut leave. I did, however, hear Justin and Kellin fighting this morning. I had a massive headache thanks to the immense amount of vodka I drank. Note to self: I am not a drinker. Normally I would yell at them to shut the fuck up because I need sleep. I heard my name getting involved though, so I pretended to still be asleep. I heard Justin whisper yell "Why the fuck would you do that to Stephanie? She did absolutely nothing to you! She even trusted you enough to tell you all about her past. And on top of that, you are one of her heroes. Guess what? The only thing you are now is a dick!"

Kellin retorted,"Look, I didn't want to hurt her, kay? I was confused.. and stupid. Just because I made a mistake doesn't make me a dick! I am a human you know, I am not now nor will I ever be perfect."

I peeked my eyes a little and saw Justin defensively standing in front of me over Kellin when he said," Yeah, you are a human. A shitty one at that. She cares about you! I was the only one there for her last night. I am pretty much the only person she trusts right now, and I am fucking proud of it. I have accomplished something and you only destroyed it."

Kellin backed up a bit and quietly said," But that is what I am afraid of. I am afraid that I will fall for her... I am afraid that if we get too close I will only let her down more. I would never forgive myself if I caused even more pain in this poor girl's life than there already is."

"Yeah, well news flash dumbass. You have already done it! You did not see how crushed she was last night when you came back with that slut. She was crying. And because I was out here with her I heard her in her sleep talking about how fucked up she is and that she doesn't deserve life. Even the guy who claimed to care doesn't anymore. This is your fault. So here I am picking up her pieces."

Kellin went quiet after that and I decided to get up then. I sat up and pulled the blanket off of me. My head was spinning, but I have to get to a bathroom. Kellin didn't even look at me while Justin kept asking if I was alright. I ignored him and collapsed in the bathroom after shutting the door. I pulled my hair back and emptied the bitter contents of my stomach. Screw alcohol. Seriously, it does nothing good in my life. I hear a murmur from the living area then the bus door slam shut. A moment after that the bathroom door cracked open and I heard Justin say,"Hey hun, I brought you some water and aspirin. How do you feel?" I gratefully took the pill and water before replying, "I feel like shit Justin. The vodka makes me physically feel like shit and Kellin makes me mentally sick." He simply nodded in understanding. We sat in silence for a moment until I felt like I could move again. I flushed the toilet and stood up with Justin's assistance. He took me to the bunk area so I could get new clothes and bathe to wash away the remains of last night from myself. I let the hot shower drain away my problems. I didn't other with makeup as I put on sweatpants and a loose plain t shirt. We were supposed to be traveling all day anyways. To Alaska. At least I finally get the coldness I was longing for. After putting my hair in a bun I sit at the dinette and toy around with some dry cereal.

I pulled out my phone to see that I had a text from a random number. I opened it and it said,"Hey, it's Kristy. I am staying on OM&M 's bus right now. I have to leave in like 2 minutes though and go home. I really missed you girl, don't lose contact! Let's just say there is some big news coming your way soon ;)" I read the text a couple of times and was left with the thought of what did Kristy know that I didn't? Oh well. I have more things to worry about right now anyways. The other guys had just woken up and went outside to say the momentary goodbyes to their friends until the next venue. Justin told me I can sleep in his bunk if I need to sleep anymore. I just might take up that offer because I feel like absolute shit. Kellin has yet to return to the bus and I was thankful for that. I didn't necessarily want to talk to him just yet. I felt more groggy as the minutes passed and I finally retreated to Justin's bunk to get some proper sleep. Just before I dozed off I recieved a text from Vic.

Victor- Hey, I haven't seen you in a little while! When we get to Alaska you should come hang out with the best group of Mexicans around ;) Hope to see us when we get there!

Me- I will try :) have a pleasant bus ride! Just remind Tony and Mike that Lord of the Rings kicks Star Wars and Harry Potter's ass! See you in Alaska!

Victor- It is your ass on the line with that one, not mine! :)

After that I fell asleep. I could hear the guys get back on the bus and I felt the bus begin to move to take us to our next destination. I still felt sick, but not nearly as bad as I was this morning. The soft lull of the bus driving took me to a deep uninterrupted sleep. I woke up and felt completely disoriented. You know when you have a really good nap and wake up not knowing the year, where you are, or even who you are? This is one of those times. I simply laid in Justin's bunk avoiding seeing the guys. I groaned as I turned my phone on. Why must the screen's brightness be equivalent to the sun's brightest rays? The time said 6 pm. Hell if I know how long I was out. I was unsure when I woke up in the first place. My stomach growled so I decided to get up and attempt some supper. Justin had a bottom bunk across from Kellin's. I easily rolled out and stretched once I was standing. I popped my back and felt slightly relieved from the stiffness I had from my lack of movement. I slowly inched out to the main area with a blanket still wrapped around my shoulders. Kellin, Jack, and Jesse were on the couch watching some comedy while Justin and Gabe were sitting on the recliners on their phones. I grabbed a can of soup, poured it in a bowl and heated it up in the microwave. The noise I was making made all of the guys snap their heads in my direction. Great.

Justin stood up and approached me while a big smile on his face and said,"Hey! You are finally awake! I was wondering when you would decide that you couldn't live without seeing this again!" He motioned to his face and I gave a light laugh. The microwave wen off and I grabbed the soup and a spoon to take to the table. Justin followed me and sat across from me. The other quickly became engrossed with their other activities again while Justin and I spoke. "So, what have you guys managed to accomplish while I was out?", I asked uninterested. Justin replied, "Well, we ate lunch, played video games, argued a little like usual, and watched movies. You didn't miss much. But I do need to talk to you after you finish your food." I simply nodded and we let the sound of the tv resonate in our silence. After I finished Justin and I went back to the bunks to talk. Justin started off, "Tell me how you honestly feel about Kellin right now."

Justin was blunt as usual so I sighed and said, "Well, right now I am upset at him. A couple days ago he was perfect. He was loving and made me feel special. I mean, he took me shopping, fought off Derrick, and gave me sweet little kisses that had me convinced that he cared. Then he just distanced himself and was all over that other girl. I am mad at him, but more mad at myself."

"I see. Kellin and I... talked about the ordeal and all. I was pretty pissed at him for what he did. I could hear the pain it caused you and I can see it in you now. I was out for his blood because I genuinely care about you. Now, I am giving you a choice here.", said an unsure Justin.

I said, "And that is..?"

He sighed, "Would you rather have me explain Kellin for him or would you want to hear it straight from him."

I thought about this for a while. Do I want to hear Justin's interpretation? Do I want to face Kellin? I had to stand up to Derrick, so I can handle Kellin I suppose. I told Justin,"Go get Kellin please." He looked apprehensive but stood up from his bunk that we were sitting on to retrieve Kellin. I took in a deep breath and waited. Kellin walked in and nervously sat across from me. We sat in the silence for a while before he spoke up and said, "Look Steph, I am so sorry. I was a total asshole last night and I am here begging for your forgiveness. I have had a history of my relationships not turning out the best. Along with that I knew that you were hurting and I wouldn't be able to stand it if I fucked up and ruined your progress to getting better. I didn't realize that I actually was doing what I didn't want to do until Justin talked some sense into me. He really cares about you. I do too. All of the guys do. I just got with that girl to make myself forget how you make me feel. You make me feel all tingly and nervous. I live to see your actual smile and hear your wonderful laugh. You make me feel like I am a person, not some famous band member. You are real and make me feel real. I didn't realize how much you effected me until I abandoned you. Even if it was only for a night."

I thought long and hard about what he said. He sounded sincere, but I was still unsure. I could tell he was nervous at my silence because he bit at his lip anxiously waiting to here what I have to say. I spoke up and said," Kellin... I don't know what to think about you. You used to be my idol. Then you seemed so caring and awesome when you hired me. I felt special. I felt like maybe I could love someone and learn how it feels to be loved. Everything in my life has left at some point, and I was really hoping you would be different. But then you go and do what you did last night. I was crushed, Kellin. I understand you were scared, but you should have talked to someone about it. Getting your confusion off on some girl is not how to handle things. I trusted you and that you wouldn't hurt me after seeing what Derrick did. I guess I am t ok quick to trust though."

He quickly said,"I will work my ass off just to prove to you that I want to be there for you. I never wanted to hurt you and I feel like shit because I did. I regret doing what I did last night, but I can't change that now. I can only hive you my word that it won't happen again. I have no interest in leaving you in the dust, just please forgive me."

I looked into his eyes and saw that they were brimmed with instead tears.no have a few stray tears rolling down my cheeks myself. Kellin wiped them away with his thumb and held my face saying," Please. Give me another chance. I promise of to fuck up this time around. Just give me a chance. If I ruin it, you can sign me off. I just don't think it is good for either of us to deal with ending what we have this way." I sighed and looked deep into his eyes again. I could honestly tell that he was being truthful about what he was saying. He was really trying, but I can't just hive in that easily. I replied sighing, "Okay, I forgive you. But things will not go back to normal just like that. You need to build that trust back. Prove to me that you are worth it. Do it quick though, because I miss you."

After I said that he crushed me in a hug. I hugged back and he pulled away saying, "Thanks so much, I will not let you down. Failure. Not an option. Thanks so much Steph." We were about to make our way back to the living area, but I stopped him and said,"Hey, can you not call me Steph? It isn't personal, I just feel uneasy with it for some reason. I am not sure why. Just something about it brings a pain back. Sorry." He looks kind of confused but says, "Anything you want Steph- anie." We smile at each other before heading back in the living room. I squeeze next to Justin on the couch and Kellin sat in a recliner. I rest my head on Justin's shoulder. He whispers,"So how did it go?" I replied softly,"Good. He is working to gain my trust and I forgave him. All will be well." Justin sighed in relief and we watched the rest of the movie that was on before playing some games and hanging out like normal. Normal. Who knew that a word as average as normal could mean so many things, like my normal is sitting on a bus with a bunch if guys in a band making inappropriate jokes and watching movies. However, I am glad that things are back to normal for me. Now, off to Alaska. I am definitely going to need that day hanging out with Vic. Maybe escape this drama for a moment.