The Impossible Children

“Is now really the best time to be spring cleaning?” Santana questioned him.

“Why not? It's spring, isn't it?” Kurt retorted facetiously. Santana just rolled her eyes at him, so he continued, muttering, “Besides it's not like I've got anything better to do.” Then another, more sickening thought occurred to him,” And I might as well do it now while I still can.”

In truth, Kurt had no idea what to do with himself most the time now, and he had only been living as a total shut-in for around a week now. When he wasn't too sick, exhausted, depressed, or otherwise unable, he had taken to obsessively cleaning, organizing, and straightening up the apartment. One day he tried moving all their furniture around, only to find that he was not satisfied with the new arrangement and subsequently had to move everything back into place. Ever since then, Santana had taken to giving him more and more skeptical looks and watching him very closely like he was some sort of crazy person.

Maybe he was. He certainly felt like he was going a bit insane. One minute he could not keep himself still, feeling desperate for any occupation, and the next he found himself sitting and staring at fixed points, feeling tired and utterly lost.

And he could swear he was getting a little bigger everyday since he first noticed himself showing. He hated it. He felt fear, dread, and resentment every time his vision lingered too long on his growing abdomen; still, he knew it was unavoidable and would only continue to become all the more so. This knowledge was far from comforting; if anything, it only intensified his anxieties and his bitter disgust.

This thing, this thing that was invading his body and violating it in such a way, it was making itself more known to him with each passing week whether Kurt liked it or not. He still could not feel it, but now it was almost as if he could see it. Now he could see what it was doing to him and know that it was only going to continue to do worse. It had taken complete control of his body away from him, like some sort of freakish parasite, and for that he bitterly resented it.

“Kurt, c'mon, you're wearing my ass out just watching you,” Santana said, “Sit.”

“I'm not some dog. You can't just tell me to— fuck.” His head was spinning. He was getting dizzy less frequently at this point, but it still happened when he was not careful enough. Bending over and straightening up far too quickly and carelessly had caused it, he knew better than to do so, but he hadn't been thinking about his stupid body and its increasing inability to do basic things without complication. It was yet another way in which he felt he was losing control of his own body. He lost balance and wound up on his ass, feeling utterly ridiculous and ungainly.

“Damn it.” He stayed sitting on the floor for several minutes, trying to make sure he could get up again without another dizzy spell. He waited for Santana to ridicule him; his face burned with humiliation and frustration.

Santana had rushed to him when she realized he was falling. The only abuse she hurled at Kurt was an appropriate, if harsh, “I told you so.” She looked him over. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Kurt replied with a frustrated sigh, “Yeah, I think so.” He briefly wondered if he could have somehow hurt the entity inside him, but he doubted that he could have and was too annoyed at the moment to care very much. “Just got dizzy. I'm fine now.” He was really aggravated and embarrassed, but he didn't exactly feel like sharing that with Santana.

“C'mon,” Santana said, “Let's sit down for a while.”

“I'm already sitting,” Kurt responded.

Santana gave him a look that suggested she was not having any of his current attitude. For a moment, Kurt simply stared back at her.

Finally, he relented. “Fine,” he huffed and began slowly trying to get up. In such moments, he was thankful that he was not any bigger than he already was; he dreaded what might happen if he should have to pick himself up off the floor in those nightmarish days ahead. As it stood, his body had already changed enough as to be slightly difficult for him to maneuver at times.

“Thanks,” he said, after allowing Santana to help him stay steady. Then, she led him slowly to their couch.

After a few minutes of silently staring at whatever trash was on television, Santana said, “Look, it's not like we don't appreciate all the cleaning and stuff, but—”

Kurt rolled his eyes and interrupted, “I'm sorry about the other day, okay. It was stupid. I don't know what I was thinking.”

“This isn't about the furniture thing, Hummel, although that was quite the episode,” Santana responded.

Kurt was silent. In truth, he had known that she was probably not referring to any specific thing he had done recently. Now he had no idea how to deflect. Santana let him go for several minutes, and they tuned at least partially back into the television.

Finally, she said, “We're just worried, okay? Rach and I, we're worried about you.”

“Well, don't—” Kurt started.

“Kurt, you're only like—What? Three months into this thing; you've only been a shut-in for like a week, and you're already this crazy,” Santana finished.

“Worrying doesn't change anything. It doesn't make this any easier or any less insane. And yeah, maybe I am going crazy, but you can't honestly tell me that you wouldn't be too in my position. I mean, there's nothing I can do—nothing anyone can do— about this thing. This thing that's forcing me to become totally home-bound. This damn thing that might actually kill me.” Kurt had not meant to unload quite that much onto Santana, but she had pushed him.

“Sorry I said anything,” she said quietly. Kurt wondered if that was her way of saying she felt sorry for him for everything he was going through now. Santana was just so damn hard to read. They resumed watching the television in silence.

Despite the fact that he was cloaked in a ridiculously large sweater, Kurt was paranoid and self-conscious all the way to the hospital where he was to visit Dr. Samuels again. How were they going to meet when things became impossible to hide? Kurt tugged on the hem of his sweater compulsively. It felt nearly impossible now.

No one seemed to pay him any mind, and for that he was grateful. He made a mental note to talk to Dr. Samuels about the whole situation though. After all, it was entirely possible that the doctor had simply not thought that part of things through.

He went over things in his mind. Did he have anything he needed to ask about? Well, he was anxiously wondering what he had to look forward to (so to speak) but assumed that that was a good portion of the reason for the visit.

Mostly, he dreaded finally being able to feel it. He wondered whether knowing when to expect that would make it more or less scary.

Also, he was unsure whether to mention it during the appointment or not, but he had been having odd and at times very disturbing dreams recently. Often times, he had trouble deciphering them. For the past several nights, he'd had a recurring dream where he was strapped to an operating table and being operated on without any anesthesia. He assumed it was just stress related and maybe also to do with his hormones likely being out of whack.

The dreams often left him feeling odd when he woke up. Even thinking of them presently made him feel peculiar, but he doubted he could really explain why. It was almost like he was trying to recall something on the tip of his tongue. He also felt foggy and disassociated.

He was so lost in these thoughts that he nearly missed his stop.

Dr. Samuels was almost too cheerful; Kurt had to remind himself that that seemed to be just the way the man usually was, so he wouldn't feel annoyed by it. The doctor was a nice guy and all, but under the circumstances Kurt wasn't thrilled to be visiting him. Still, he shook the man's large hand and smiled halfheartedly at him; no sense in being rude, after all.

Once settled into the room, Dr. Samuels began to get down to business by asking, “So, how have you been feeling?”

There were so many ways Kurt could answer that, but he figured he needed to respond with the most medically relevant information and skip his personal life. “Um, okay, I guess,” he replied, “About the same as usual, or what's usual now anyway.” He tugged absentmindedly on his top out of nervous habit.

Dr. Samuels noticed but did not directly comment. “Any new developments or anything you want to discuss?”

“Um, well, there was something I wanted to ask you about,” Kurt replied. He paused searching for the right words. “I- I don't exactly feel comfortable going out where people can see me now that, well, now that things are becoming more visible, so I don't really know how I can continue to meet with you.”

“Of course, that's perfectly understandable,” Dr. Samuels responded, “Although, you've hidden things rather well today, for the record.” It was obviously an attempt to put Kurt more at ease, but it was only slightly effective. “I take it you don't know anyone who could give you a ride?”

“No, unfortunately not,” Kurt said, shaking his head. He thought it was understood that almost no one actually drove in New York City. That wasn't usually such a problem.

“Well, if you'd like, I can talk to my wife, and one of us can come get you and take you to and from appointments,” Dr. Samuels suggested, “Of course, we'll have to schedule them so that one of us can, and I'll have to make sure she's okay with the arrangement, but I'm sure she will be if I just explain things.”

“I don't know. I mean I don't want to ask—” Kurt began.

“It's fine, Kurt, really. I said I would help you with this, and this is part of that promise. We'll work something out. Don't worry about it,” Dr. Samuels said.

Kurt was hesitant at first, but finally accepted the offer. “Thank you.”

“So, anything else that you're concerned about?” Dr. Samuels asked.

Kurt considered asking about the strange dreams, but decided against it. “Just that, um, I'd like to have some idea of what's to come. I understand we can't be sure about anything though, given the, um, bizarre circumstances.”

“Well, that's one way to put it,” Dr. Samuels replied, “And you're right. It's hard to get anything about this case down to an exact science, but we can certainly take a crack at it.” He paused and examined Kurt's chart. “Okay, so our best estimation puts you around thirteen or fourteen weeks, give or take, so assuming this proceeds in a fashion similar to normal human pregnancy...timeline-wise, that means you're coming out of the first trimester and into the second.”

Kurt could not tell if these words were meant to instill dread or ease his nerves in some way, but he definitely felt the former. “So, what does that mean?”

“Well, it means— potentially—that you might feel a little better physically than you have been. A lot of the little annoyances of the first three months or so should hopefully subside. For example, you might get sick less often.”

“That's good,” Kurt said. Maybe that was already happening; it had been at least a week since he last remembered getting sick. Although, he supposed he shouldn't get his hopes up. After all, the thing he had always hated the most about the sickness was that it felt so random, and he never knew when it would strike.

“Yes, I imagine that would be good,” Dr. Samuels replied, “Of course, it also means that the entity will do a lot more growing, although the exact nature will be hard to predict. I know you're not looking forward to that at all.”

“Well, it's not like I'm really excited about any of it,” Kurt said dryly.

“True.” Dr. Samuels nodded. “Now, for today we'll just need to do a few tests, and I'm gonna look you over and just check a few things. Also, I'd like to try to get another look at the being as means of monitoring its progress, and we may be able to hear its heartbeat as well.”

Kurt was not sure how he felt about the last statement, but he still consented. “Okay.” He briefly glanced down at his body. It was odd and more than a little freaky to think of there being something inside him that had a beating heart. The thought had him feeling very strange; it made this thing that was ruining and endangering his life seem more real, more alive, and he wasn't sure he was prepared to handle that sort of realization just yet.

So far all of Kurt's visits to Dr. Samuels were similar. They chatted, first about the subject at hand and later, when they could, about almost anything else. Dr. Samuels checked Kurt over, recorded his weight, and then they did tests.

They had not examined the being within Kurt since their very first meeting. Kurt felt intensely anxious about seeing it. He didn't know if he wanted to know what it looked like or how it was changing and growing within him any more than he already did.

Still, when Dr. Samuels examined it on the ultrasound display and made notes and commentary, Kurt looked at it. Admittedly, the details were sketchy to him, but he tried to follow what Dr. Samuels was saying and indicating. According to Dr. Samuels, the entity resembled a developing human in many respects, but it still looked strange and alien to Kurt. Now when he thought about the thing inside of him causing him such horrors and troubles he had an image to attach to it; he wasn't sure how he felt about that.

Then, he remembered his question. “So, when will, um, when will I be able to feel it?”

“Well, that's going to be a bit hard to predict, although considering how human-like it looks maybe not as hard as I had feared...you probably won't feel it until a few more weeks have passed, probably around the eighteen to twenty week mark, but even in normal human pregnancies there is a lot of variance, so you may feel things sooner or later than that.”

“Okay,” Kurt said, and he felt an odd mix of feelings. He felt relieved that he may still have some time before he could feel the movements of the nightmare growing inside of him, but at the same time, he knew he would get to that point soon enough. Dread was practically his default emotion these days.

Dr. Samuels used a device called a fetal doppler to try to detect the being's heartbeat. It took several seconds for Dr. Samuels to get the device in the right spot. Much like the ultrasound, the results did not make as much sense to Kurt as they did to Dr. Samuels. He was not sure what he expected the heartbeat to sound like, more like, well, a heartbeat, he supposed. Still, the strange sound had a definite rhythm to it. Dr. Samuels said the being had a heart rate slightly higher than the average human fetus.

“Well, everything else appears to be fine,” Dr. Samuels told him once they were finished, “As best as I can tell, everything's progressing more or less normally, so to speak, with no complications or anything.”

“Well, that's good. I think I've got enough 'complications' already,” Kurt said.

They set a date for their next meeting, and Dr. Samuels said, “If you have any questions or concerns between now and then, don't hesitate to call me.”