Life in the Dust

"...and Mrs. and Mr. McCoy will be remembered and loved until the end of eternity. May their souls rest in peace together forever and always." This was it, the day I gave up on life. Here I am, wearing black on the day I thought would only come later in my older years, like fifty years of age, not fifteen.

I never thought someone could feel so much sadness, that they can't even cry. I couldn't cry, I was too stunned. One day ruined can turn your life around and crumble around you. I've lost my spunk an beauty, inside and out, after that one day. My blonde, beautiful hair is now puffed up and not touched. My hazel orbs are now surrounded by a red color and itchiness.

Nobody has talked to me since the funeral even started and my auntie Gin and I are leaving the day after. I look over at auntie Gin and her eyes were puffed out and swelled bags under her eyes. It was a long couple days for auntie Gin, especially if you had to plan the funeral for your younger sister and brother-in-law.

I felt people glance at me as soft music played throughout the prayers. I as wearing the black dress my parents loved. I hated wearing it now, since my parents loved to see me in it, but they can never see it again, nor me. I wanted to burn it after the funeral, but it'd feel like I was disrespecting my parents, and who wants that?

I lashed out on most of my friends over the days, so of course I'm not leaving any behind now, except Natasha but we haven't talked since she left of vacation in Canada. All I had now was my auntie Gin and my cat, Nickers. But Nickers was very old, about near death, so all I had was my auntie Gin.

I was snapped out of my deep thoughts when everyone said "A men." I forgot about saying prayers, yet I was still stunned. My wide eyes were still painted onto my face, until they dropped into closed ones. I sighed, then opened them, hoping this was just a fucked up nightmare, but it wasn't.

To be honest, I want to forget about Detroit, all of it. Now that my parents are gone, the last place I want to be at is Detroit. Every memory I had, I wanted burned at the stake. Every touch I felt, I wanted brushed off of me. Every word I spoke, I wanted muted forever.

I guess Pittsburgh would be a good start, maybe okay. The only thing is that in the city, families talk and laugh and it would just hurt me but forgetting would be better than remembering.

Before I knew it, I was standing, watching my mom and dad's coffins beginning to disappear, the dirt was covering them. I guess my auntie Gin didn't want me seeing them like that because she pulled me with her before they could even finish. My auntie Gin and I decided to stay for the dinner, to be happy for my parents, but inside I wanted to burn when I stepped into the restaurant.

I sat next to the people I felt most comfortable with, my cousin Helen, my pap, my auntie Karen and auntie Gin. I didn't talk the whole dinner, only when I ordered my salad and sweet tea, which I didn't eat.

I kept thinking about the times I cried, the times I laughed, and the times where me and my parents exchanged "I love you" and "I love you, too". There were so many things I didn't experienced with them, like I never talked with my mom about boy problems and I never told my dad about a broken heart, those were practically opportunities that disappeared in thin air.

Most of all, I thought about what to do with my talent, the talent my parents wanted me to share with the world. I did want to share it, but not without them. I also thought about later years, like when I'm married, no one is going to give me away down the isle. And when my children ask where their grandparents are at, I'd be stumped. Also on Christmas mornings, their not going to have grandparents who are going to be there, telling them their past Christmas stories.

By time the whole dinner was done, everyone stole glances at me while leaving and it was finally only me, auntie Gin, and some workers. I stared at the silver fork I front of me, I didn't want to glance at anyone or anything. It hurt when I thought about events I wouldn't be experiencing. I chuckled slightly, trying to push the negative thoughts away but it didn't help.

My auntie Gin eyed my with sorrow and curiosity. I scrunched my nose in confusion. Why did I chuckle? I mean it was my parents' funeral. I had the urge to slap myself, but my thoughts were interrupted again, but this time, it was just my auntie's voice.

"Want to go now, Hun?" she put her gentle hand on my shoulder, while pursing her lips together. I nodded gently, like her hand and swiftly stood from the wooded chair. An ache erupted in my stomach and sides. I was a wreck.

Everything in my life didn't matter, not even the so-called talent that was held in my breath. I wanted to leave everything behind, buried with my parents.

My life was in the dust.