Second Guessing

Don’t get upset when I show up on your porch crying like I’m drunk.

I wasn’t drunk when it happened, though I guess maybe I really should have been. Maybe it would’ve made all of it easier to explain, easier to excuse. But I hadn’t had any alcohol since I walked right out the front door, away from her, down the steps and travelled the half mile on foot to your place. I wish I would’ve been drunk. Maybe then you wouldn’t have cared so much about what I was saying.

Don’t cry when you invite me inside, it just makes me cry more.

I hated that I was upset over something so stupid to begin with and you were just making it worse. Mostly I was crying over the fact that Lisa was probably looking for me and she was probably calling everyone asking where I was. I knew you kept your phone on silent at night so you weren’t going to see her calls. It made me cry more knowing that I was upsetting her while I was upsetting myself and now I was upsetting you. I can’t ever get things right- I thought things were right with her but I kept second guessing. Then when I turn to you I second guess every single decision all over again and I’m stuck not really knowing what to think.

Don’t take it personally when I ask you to stay quiet and just hold me.

Don’t look so surprised like that when I tell you that it’s weird, but I kind of like you.

That night I finally just let myself accept that that it wasn't her, it was you. It’s crazy because I had so much to say but there was no way I could say it without sounding cliché or just really fucking stupid- so I didn’t give you much of an explanation and I could tell how upset you were that you didn’t know what really was wrong. All I said is that I liked you. But really, what else was I supposed to give you? It was raining, I was sad. There wasn’t much of me that I could offer.

Don’t try and look me in the eye, it’s making my thoughts run so wild.

You kept just trying to comfort me, and that made me mad for some reason. I kept asking myself why you were trying to… be like that, all while you knew I was with someone else. Then I remembered that I apparently wasn’t with her happily and for some reason I thought I loved you more than her and I basically just told you that without all the details. I remembered and I wish now that I hadn’t. Because I wasn’t drunk and when I finally looked at you back, I knew there was no way I could just pass what I was going to do next as an intoxicated mistake.

Don’t whisper nice things to me as I’m cheating on my girlfriend, I can hardly keep this up already.

Every time I kissed you it felt so good but it felt so disgustingly wrong and terrible. I didn’t want it to happen anymore- I started crying as I walked up your porch steps because that's when I realized I was wrong and didn’t want this. Some part of me apparently still did want it though, so I kept going and I let you take my shirt off. Your phone fell out of your pocket as I helped you get your pants to the floor and I was so tempted to just light up the screen and reveal that she, someone else, was missing me. Right then is when I wanted to cry again but I didn’t because I wanted you just that little bit more. I wanted Lisa the most but I told myself to just enjoy what I was getting with you because I hadn’t been impelled to come confess some stupid feelings to you just so I could regret it later.

Don’t fuck me so good I scream your name, your name tastes a bit wrong and sour at the moment.

It was really hot but in a stuffy, unpleasant way. We didn’t even move from the couch and you helped me commit something very close to adultery while my hair was still wet from the rain. There were four times when I almost snapped and told you I was wrong to come to you but I either just let the feeling of your body take over my thoughts, or I cursed myself and closed my eyes tighter as I tried to forget about it. It all felt good but it didn’t feel right. I hadn’t known there was any difference as I walked the half mile at night in the rain to come sin with you; but right as my mouth touched yours I realized it and saw it and learned something I wish I hadn’t ever found out.

Don’t argue with me when I’m trying to up and leave.

You were so confused and I wanted to explain but I was without an explanation. All I could've said was that the sleep fogged up my thoughts and that's why I told you the things I did- I didn't mean any of it. I went in selfish and blind and I came out jagged and regretful. Maybe I should have seen it coming.

Don’t raise your voice when I’m struggling with my still rain-soaked pants and ignoring you.

I wasn’t really ignoring you, just ignoring and turning away from and choosing not to face every single wrong I’d just done. I knew from the start it wouldn’t turn out right but I’d really thought that I needed you and any crime with you more than a thousand heavenly days with Lisa. I soon understood that I was the most wrong I’ve ever been. Something in my sleep must've stirred some old feelings of loving you, but this was definitely not how I felt now. I definitely did not feel this way for you. This is from before, when we both were just trying and working things out; before I met the girl I truly love.

Don’t shout at me that you know I meant it when I’m telling you it didn’t mean a thing.

You started to cry again and I was half expecting you to hit me for being so cruel. Except you didn’t, you just cried, and I wasn’t really thinking myself cruel at all. I only thought I was right, and of the girl I’d left behind for the reason I had seemingly forgotten in the short amount of time I left her. I didn’t want to cry anymore, so I had stopped looking at you and then stopped listening altogether. I blocked you out and ignored you because this was all your fault and all I wanted right then was for you to be gone and for Lisa to be able to forgive me.

Don’t tell me I’m all you need when I’m already already out the door and don't want to hear your screams.

All you repeated is that you had never meant anything more in your entire life. You said you loved me and that you couldn’t believe what was happening and that you would never feel that way about anyone other than me. I told you it was the same with me, but for Lisa. I told you it was the most horrible mistake to visit you because I wasn’t thinking straight, it was night time and I never think straight at night time. At night it's all just twi-late thoughts that don’t lead to anything right. I said Lisa must be wondering where I was and I’ll have to explain to her that everything was all your fault. All you kept saying was, “please, stop,” and, “I love you, please.” You said it as I stopped and turned halfway towards you from across the street and still halfway down the road. Over the rain, I said she was waiting. I said I didn’t love you. And I did not say I’m sorry.