A story I wrote when I was 14.
One.
Michael Carden always though about why being in love was compared to butterflies flying in your stomach. He always thought about ‘love’ when he would take walks just like he was doing now. The air is always cool, even in the sweltering places their buses and fans would take his band. The air is that cool that makes you smile into the sunlight, even when it makes your eyes sting. Walking like this always clears his head. More then exercising does, more then playing. Even writing doesn’t help him as much as walking. It’s just a simple way to think for him, a simple way to get alone. Though, recently Ryland has been trying to walk with him. Their small arguments always end in disappointed faces and soft voices –“Oh, okay. I see, um, well…I’ll just see you later then, Mike.”- And a sigh. And Mike thought about this. No one ever tried to disturb his walks. Not even Sisky, who sometimes didn’t know when to keep out of people’s business. He sighed, taking a drag off his cigarette. Ryland tends to do this every time Mike announced he was going on a walk. He blew rings of smoke, watching it disappear in the air. Every time Mike came back, Ryland was suddenly distant and purposely not returning his gaze. Gabe started to glare at him, followed by Alex. Nate and Victoria just watched the two, quizzically. William started to smile more, those stupid smiles and he did that thing with his eyebrows. Mike blew it off each time. Until one day, Sisky decided to get into his business and asked him what was up with him and Ryland.
“Does it look like something’s up?” Mike asked him, cocking his head slightly to the left. Sisky didn’t answer right away.
“Yeah…actually.” He paused and glanced quickly at Mike. The two were sitting on a curb in the middle of some city. Mike lit a cigarette as he waited for Sisky to finish.
“It looks like you two are…well.” And Mike laughed at this. He wasn’t gay, he would never be gay, and neither is Ryland. Ryland has a girlfriend, a pretty one too. Mike only met her once though. She’s polite, slender, and smiled a lot. Sisky just smiled.
“I’m not gay, and neither is Ryland. I mean he has a girlfriend.” Mike took a long, long drag off of his cigarette. Sisky made a face at the smell of the smoke. Mike ushered a quick sorry under his breath before Adam continued.
“Actually, they broke up. She caught Ryland…well with another person. A guy.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “Gabe, actually. And well, you only had one girlfriend, and I was talking to her…” Sisky was looking at him, Mike could tell. His whole body froze up. He told her that he wanted to forget, he told her not to tell anyone. He chose to forget, he pushed it out of his mind.
“She said you told her, when you were breaking up with her…t-that you were gay. And…she told me you told her…” When he didn’t finish his sentence and an awkward silence filled the void, Mike grew angry. He jumped to his feet. Sisky looked up at him, a smug grin on his face. The type of grin you just wanted to punch off. Mike raised his fist because this wasn’t going to happen. He’s not gay. He did not tell her he was gay. He was drunk (though, he was straight edge at the time. Sisky didn’t know that though) he was lying. He didn’t tell her that he was in love with William (or thought he was.) And he was screaming that at Sisky. And Sisky just took the punch. He just let Mike hit him, because he knew what the older man was going through. He was confused, hurt, and he just fucking didn’t get it. He was in love with someone he wasn’t really supposed to be in love with. But he wasn’t even sure if he was in love. It was just, there, accusing him, jabbing him in the chest. And Mike was really sorry to have to hit Sisky; he was the only person there. If the wall were closer to his fist, maybe he would break his hand on that, and not the side of Sisky’s head. William gave him a lecture later, screaming and yelling at Mike. And he saw later how close the two were, literally. The way Sisky would drape his long arms around William’s body as they edged closer to sleep, the love in their eyes that both shared for each other. And then Mike realized why he took the punch, and why he let Mike scream at him. He did know. He knew what it was like to be in love, and not be accepted. No wonder it was a secret, even Mike didn’t know about it. And that hurt him, the fact everyone knew about him and Ryland -something that didn’t exist- and he didn’t know about William and Adam -something the Butcher later told him existed for two years this October. - It was all, No Wonder’s and casual acceptances. Being gay was like wearing clothes in Fueled By Ramen. Normal, expected even. There was always someone coming out, always destroying their fans because they didn’t. And Mike thought about this, their fans, being gay, being in love, as he walked. Sure, he heard Ryland’s footsteps behind him –who wouldn’t? The man tends to wear expensive boots. - Mike didn’t say anything at all. Only let his legs take him somewhere in this small town –Fairfax? Springfield? Somewhere in Virginia- and let Ryland follow in the process. He could feel Ryland’s eyes boring into his back; he was probably confused because usually Mike bitched at him, even yelled. But, they kept walking until finally, Mike’s legs just…stopped. And he found himself in the middle of a field, surrounded by fall trees and far-off roads. He didn’t know where he was, and honestly, he didn’t care. The smell of dying, crisp leaves filled his nose, and his head swarmed with millions of thoughts as he felt Ryland’s breath on his neck. They were silent for over ten minutes. Strangely, Mike was the first to speak. He sat on the moist ground, not caring or noticing the dew soaking into his jeans. Ryland followed suit, tugging his knit hat tighter over his head. A car in the distance honked and sped-off, he could hear the skidding of tires and the familiar heart-wrenching sound of metal crashing, glass smashing and bones breaking.
“What are we?” Mike asked, barely audible over a whisper. Ryland didn’t answer, merely pulled his legs to his chest and hugged them. Mike usually grew irritated and angry when people wouldn’t answer him, or ignored him. But that’s not what Ryland was doing at all. He was saying so much in silence, and he definitely wasn’t ignoring Mike.
“I’m so afraid.” He continued, still barely above a whisper. He glanced at Ryland before staring out before them, the horizon of miles of trees meeting his gaze. He licked his lips, which were becoming chapped as they waiting in the heavy silence, almost as heavy as the moistness in the air. “I’ve never felt these feelings before. I feel breathless when you’re around. I feel like I could walk through walls, fire even, when you talk to me. I don’t know what it is. I didn’t feel this with Bill, who, I thought I loved. I didn’t even feel this with my ex-girlfriend, who, I thought I loved too.” He paused again. Ryland’s breath sped up ever so slightly. He was on the edge, waiting. He knew the cliché words that were about to come out of Mike’s mouth. He’s watched the movies, he knows the lines, and he’s not stupid. But, even the most blunt person on Earth could predict this, even if they can’t tell you what that word means. Mike’s listening hard now. Ryland’s breath caught in his throat, they’re wrapped in total silence now. Just around them, because the world doesn’t matter. It’s like they’re the only things breathing left. And Mike’s not sure why he’s so concentrated on breathing. And here it comes, like fire coming up his throat. He can feel the words on his tounge, forming his lips.
“Ryland, I love you.” And it ends just like that. The words cut short by Ryland’s lips on his. They’re crashing like the cars they heard only minutes ago, but that seems hours by this standard. Ryland tastes like what Mike imagined. Sweet things that make everyone, even Lord Voldermort smile. He tastes like Vanilla ice cream, warm coffee on Christmas morning, fresh dew on soft petals, green apples, and that flavor you can’t quite place, but it moves mountains and makes world peace. If ‘love’ had a distinct flavor, that’s what it would taste like. Ryland’s hands are large and comforting as they cup Mike’s face. They break for a breath, only centimeters away. The color that recently emptied his face suddenly flowed back. It seemed like their kiss lasted hours, even days. It felt like the whole time Mike couldn’t think and now, all of the sudden his brain was functioning. And he really didn’t care if he hurt Ryland as he stood up briskly and ran away. He was running, and like when he walked, he didn’t know where he was going. He was just letting his legs take him wherever. And now he was crying, still in the same place of fall tree’s and far-off roads. He didn’t go anywhere fast, and Ryland was still sitting where he just was, knees pressed delicately close to his chest. Though he was halfway out of this damned place he couldn’t fit with a name, and though he was very far away from Ryland, he could see how much he really did hurt. He wanted to go back to him, feel all those amazing feelings again, but he couldn’t. His feet began running, and he was getting farther, and he wasn’t looking back. Before Mike knew it, he was back at the tiny venue in the middle of nowhere Virginia. William saw him immediately. His face was carved with concern, and when he saw that Ryland didn’t return with him, his first instinct was to panic. Which, he did do. Mike just watched William stress himself even more. There was nothing he could really say, because Alex noticed William and he came to investigate. Mike didn’t say a thing, he couldn’t. He couldn’t say he was in love, he couldn’t say he was afraid, he couldn’t say he kissed Ryland and ran away because he just couldn’t wrap his head around it, he couldn’t do anything but stand there like a fish out of water. Sisky was shaking him now, trying to bring him back to Earth. He asked him what the fuck was the matter, and Alex was yelling at him. Did they think he murdered Ryland? Or he beat the shit out of him and stole his wallet? All he did was hurt him emotionally, all he did was ruin their friendship and possibly more, all Mike did was ruin a couple of lives, mostly his own. And for some goddamned reason, it all came spilling out. For some goddamn reason, Mike’s mouth and brain betrayed him and suddenly were sputtering and yelling everything he had locked up in his chest. When he was finished he couldn’t breath properly. Alex was silent, hushed. William wasn’t smiling, just staring at a crack in the sidewalk. Sisky’s arms dropped to his side like they were lead and he couldn’t support them anymore. Mrotek dropped his cigarette on the ground, stepping on it quickly. Chiz was just sitting there, standing there maybe, Mike didn’t notice. Nate heard everything while he was on the bus; he wasn’t shocked when he came outside to see who was screaming. The fans that were waiting against the brick wall on the other side of the street were whispering, smiling, laughing, they knew it all along. Victoria stood awkwardly half on the curb, half on the street she wasn’t surprised either. And of all people, Gabe was obviously the first to break the silence. He laughed, deep from his chest, from his throat, that obnoxious smile planted on his face like a stamp. Now, Mike noticed William’s gaze was directed behind him, not at the crack in the sidewalk that was oddly shaped like Abraham Lincoln. Everyone was looking behind Mike, and then he knew. Ryland heard every little bit of,
“I’m afraid, I kissed him and I fucking ran away. I’ve never had these feelings for anyone before and he’s a guy, I mean, I’m supposed to be gay! I’m not accepted, I can’t love him, but I do. And I never realized it until now, basically. I fucking love him, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to actually…love. Love is a big word, and I can’t understand it. THAT’S ALL. I don’t know how…I just want him to at least like me. And I ruined it; I ruined everything…” while he silently walked behind the little crowd. No one heard him over Mike’s yells. And now he knew everything, now everyone knew everything. And now, suddenly, they all filed out and onto the Cobra Starship bus to watch what would happen. Somehow, everyone already knew what was going to happen. It must have been obvious, and Mike so fucking blind. Ryland didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to, and he knew Mike was sorry; he was just waiting for him to say it.
“I’m sorry.” Mike whispered. He was crying again, unable to hold anything in anymore. His body betrayed him. But Ryland was hugging him tightly, still not saying anything. He still didn’t have to, because Mike knew what he would say. And they just stood there, hugging, holding, and barely breathing, amongst the catcalls and ‘aw, that’s adorable’ from across the street. Mike was the first to draw back, as he did he saw the disappointment from Ryland’s features, and he heard the “MICHAEL CARDEN. YOU BETTER KISS HIM, OR I WILL MARCH THE FUCK OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND SLAP YOU SHITLESS.” From the annoying girl across the street with the overpowering pink hair and blue hoodie –he met her before, in Baltimore. Same pink hair, same hoodie, the name was something like Leah? Rhea? Something like that. – And he heard the distinct break out of argument and bets on the Cobra Starship bus. William was telling off Sisky and Andy for betting on who was going to kiss who –five were on Mike, fifteen already on Ryland-. Gabe betted twenty on Ryland, Mike could hear the smile in his voice. That stupid smile and made Mike want to hit him sometimes, because he flashed it when he knew something was up, when you were lying or he was drunk and hitting on you. Not that he hates Gabe, Chislett, Alex or Nate, but he really wanted to be the one that kissed Ryland and made things up. Though, he wasn’t sorry Nate, Alex, and Chislett lost their five dollars nor, was he sorry Gabe lost his twenty to an eager William –“Come on Billvy! Just bet something! You ruin all the fun…”- He definitely wasn’t sorry to have kissed Ryland so deeply, so passionately. He wasn’t sorry for Ryland to be pressing closer, tighter to his body. His face was soft, flawless under Mike’s hands as he broke away quickly before kissing him softly again. Soft, flawless, it seemed that Ryland’s lips could never be chapped or bruised. He was the first to pull back, Ryland was.
Mike didn’t have to say anything, and neither did Ryland. They could finish it all in the silence. Something broken when spoken. Mike finally knew, finally realized. He answered his own questions from his old walks. He never thought about love anymore when he walked with Ryland, and even when he didn’t because Ryland wasn’t on tour with The Academy Is… because he could finally realize what love was. And love is different for each person, like fingerprints and the shape of ears. You can look at the two, and see nothing but hatred of the bible and god, betrayal of religion, but if you really did understand you would see the love. Mike has the answers because now, he has someone who loves him, someone he doesn’t think he loves but actually does. Love is their silence, something broken when spoken
“Does it look like something’s up?” Mike asked him, cocking his head slightly to the left. Sisky didn’t answer right away.
“Yeah…actually.” He paused and glanced quickly at Mike. The two were sitting on a curb in the middle of some city. Mike lit a cigarette as he waited for Sisky to finish.
“It looks like you two are…well.” And Mike laughed at this. He wasn’t gay, he would never be gay, and neither is Ryland. Ryland has a girlfriend, a pretty one too. Mike only met her once though. She’s polite, slender, and smiled a lot. Sisky just smiled.
“I’m not gay, and neither is Ryland. I mean he has a girlfriend.” Mike took a long, long drag off of his cigarette. Sisky made a face at the smell of the smoke. Mike ushered a quick sorry under his breath before Adam continued.
“Actually, they broke up. She caught Ryland…well with another person. A guy.” He sighed and closed his eyes. “Gabe, actually. And well, you only had one girlfriend, and I was talking to her…” Sisky was looking at him, Mike could tell. His whole body froze up. He told her that he wanted to forget, he told her not to tell anyone. He chose to forget, he pushed it out of his mind.
“She said you told her, when you were breaking up with her…t-that you were gay. And…she told me you told her…” When he didn’t finish his sentence and an awkward silence filled the void, Mike grew angry. He jumped to his feet. Sisky looked up at him, a smug grin on his face. The type of grin you just wanted to punch off. Mike raised his fist because this wasn’t going to happen. He’s not gay. He did not tell her he was gay. He was drunk (though, he was straight edge at the time. Sisky didn’t know that though) he was lying. He didn’t tell her that he was in love with William (or thought he was.) And he was screaming that at Sisky. And Sisky just took the punch. He just let Mike hit him, because he knew what the older man was going through. He was confused, hurt, and he just fucking didn’t get it. He was in love with someone he wasn’t really supposed to be in love with. But he wasn’t even sure if he was in love. It was just, there, accusing him, jabbing him in the chest. And Mike was really sorry to have to hit Sisky; he was the only person there. If the wall were closer to his fist, maybe he would break his hand on that, and not the side of Sisky’s head. William gave him a lecture later, screaming and yelling at Mike. And he saw later how close the two were, literally. The way Sisky would drape his long arms around William’s body as they edged closer to sleep, the love in their eyes that both shared for each other. And then Mike realized why he took the punch, and why he let Mike scream at him. He did know. He knew what it was like to be in love, and not be accepted. No wonder it was a secret, even Mike didn’t know about it. And that hurt him, the fact everyone knew about him and Ryland -something that didn’t exist- and he didn’t know about William and Adam -something the Butcher later told him existed for two years this October. - It was all, No Wonder’s and casual acceptances. Being gay was like wearing clothes in Fueled By Ramen. Normal, expected even. There was always someone coming out, always destroying their fans because they didn’t. And Mike thought about this, their fans, being gay, being in love, as he walked. Sure, he heard Ryland’s footsteps behind him –who wouldn’t? The man tends to wear expensive boots. - Mike didn’t say anything at all. Only let his legs take him somewhere in this small town –Fairfax? Springfield? Somewhere in Virginia- and let Ryland follow in the process. He could feel Ryland’s eyes boring into his back; he was probably confused because usually Mike bitched at him, even yelled. But, they kept walking until finally, Mike’s legs just…stopped. And he found himself in the middle of a field, surrounded by fall trees and far-off roads. He didn’t know where he was, and honestly, he didn’t care. The smell of dying, crisp leaves filled his nose, and his head swarmed with millions of thoughts as he felt Ryland’s breath on his neck. They were silent for over ten minutes. Strangely, Mike was the first to speak. He sat on the moist ground, not caring or noticing the dew soaking into his jeans. Ryland followed suit, tugging his knit hat tighter over his head. A car in the distance honked and sped-off, he could hear the skidding of tires and the familiar heart-wrenching sound of metal crashing, glass smashing and bones breaking.
“What are we?” Mike asked, barely audible over a whisper. Ryland didn’t answer, merely pulled his legs to his chest and hugged them. Mike usually grew irritated and angry when people wouldn’t answer him, or ignored him. But that’s not what Ryland was doing at all. He was saying so much in silence, and he definitely wasn’t ignoring Mike.
“I’m so afraid.” He continued, still barely above a whisper. He glanced at Ryland before staring out before them, the horizon of miles of trees meeting his gaze. He licked his lips, which were becoming chapped as they waiting in the heavy silence, almost as heavy as the moistness in the air. “I’ve never felt these feelings before. I feel breathless when you’re around. I feel like I could walk through walls, fire even, when you talk to me. I don’t know what it is. I didn’t feel this with Bill, who, I thought I loved. I didn’t even feel this with my ex-girlfriend, who, I thought I loved too.” He paused again. Ryland’s breath sped up ever so slightly. He was on the edge, waiting. He knew the cliché words that were about to come out of Mike’s mouth. He’s watched the movies, he knows the lines, and he’s not stupid. But, even the most blunt person on Earth could predict this, even if they can’t tell you what that word means. Mike’s listening hard now. Ryland’s breath caught in his throat, they’re wrapped in total silence now. Just around them, because the world doesn’t matter. It’s like they’re the only things breathing left. And Mike’s not sure why he’s so concentrated on breathing. And here it comes, like fire coming up his throat. He can feel the words on his tounge, forming his lips.
“Ryland, I love you.” And it ends just like that. The words cut short by Ryland’s lips on his. They’re crashing like the cars they heard only minutes ago, but that seems hours by this standard. Ryland tastes like what Mike imagined. Sweet things that make everyone, even Lord Voldermort smile. He tastes like Vanilla ice cream, warm coffee on Christmas morning, fresh dew on soft petals, green apples, and that flavor you can’t quite place, but it moves mountains and makes world peace. If ‘love’ had a distinct flavor, that’s what it would taste like. Ryland’s hands are large and comforting as they cup Mike’s face. They break for a breath, only centimeters away. The color that recently emptied his face suddenly flowed back. It seemed like their kiss lasted hours, even days. It felt like the whole time Mike couldn’t think and now, all of the sudden his brain was functioning. And he really didn’t care if he hurt Ryland as he stood up briskly and ran away. He was running, and like when he walked, he didn’t know where he was going. He was just letting his legs take him wherever. And now he was crying, still in the same place of fall tree’s and far-off roads. He didn’t go anywhere fast, and Ryland was still sitting where he just was, knees pressed delicately close to his chest. Though he was halfway out of this damned place he couldn’t fit with a name, and though he was very far away from Ryland, he could see how much he really did hurt. He wanted to go back to him, feel all those amazing feelings again, but he couldn’t. His feet began running, and he was getting farther, and he wasn’t looking back. Before Mike knew it, he was back at the tiny venue in the middle of nowhere Virginia. William saw him immediately. His face was carved with concern, and when he saw that Ryland didn’t return with him, his first instinct was to panic. Which, he did do. Mike just watched William stress himself even more. There was nothing he could really say, because Alex noticed William and he came to investigate. Mike didn’t say a thing, he couldn’t. He couldn’t say he was in love, he couldn’t say he was afraid, he couldn’t say he kissed Ryland and ran away because he just couldn’t wrap his head around it, he couldn’t do anything but stand there like a fish out of water. Sisky was shaking him now, trying to bring him back to Earth. He asked him what the fuck was the matter, and Alex was yelling at him. Did they think he murdered Ryland? Or he beat the shit out of him and stole his wallet? All he did was hurt him emotionally, all he did was ruin their friendship and possibly more, all Mike did was ruin a couple of lives, mostly his own. And for some goddamned reason, it all came spilling out. For some goddamn reason, Mike’s mouth and brain betrayed him and suddenly were sputtering and yelling everything he had locked up in his chest. When he was finished he couldn’t breath properly. Alex was silent, hushed. William wasn’t smiling, just staring at a crack in the sidewalk. Sisky’s arms dropped to his side like they were lead and he couldn’t support them anymore. Mrotek dropped his cigarette on the ground, stepping on it quickly. Chiz was just sitting there, standing there maybe, Mike didn’t notice. Nate heard everything while he was on the bus; he wasn’t shocked when he came outside to see who was screaming. The fans that were waiting against the brick wall on the other side of the street were whispering, smiling, laughing, they knew it all along. Victoria stood awkwardly half on the curb, half on the street she wasn’t surprised either. And of all people, Gabe was obviously the first to break the silence. He laughed, deep from his chest, from his throat, that obnoxious smile planted on his face like a stamp. Now, Mike noticed William’s gaze was directed behind him, not at the crack in the sidewalk that was oddly shaped like Abraham Lincoln. Everyone was looking behind Mike, and then he knew. Ryland heard every little bit of,
“I’m afraid, I kissed him and I fucking ran away. I’ve never had these feelings for anyone before and he’s a guy, I mean, I’m supposed to be gay! I’m not accepted, I can’t love him, but I do. And I never realized it until now, basically. I fucking love him, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to actually…love. Love is a big word, and I can’t understand it. THAT’S ALL. I don’t know how…I just want him to at least like me. And I ruined it; I ruined everything…” while he silently walked behind the little crowd. No one heard him over Mike’s yells. And now he knew everything, now everyone knew everything. And now, suddenly, they all filed out and onto the Cobra Starship bus to watch what would happen. Somehow, everyone already knew what was going to happen. It must have been obvious, and Mike so fucking blind. Ryland didn’t say anything, he didn’t have to, and he knew Mike was sorry; he was just waiting for him to say it.
“I’m sorry.” Mike whispered. He was crying again, unable to hold anything in anymore. His body betrayed him. But Ryland was hugging him tightly, still not saying anything. He still didn’t have to, because Mike knew what he would say. And they just stood there, hugging, holding, and barely breathing, amongst the catcalls and ‘aw, that’s adorable’ from across the street. Mike was the first to draw back, as he did he saw the disappointment from Ryland’s features, and he heard the “MICHAEL CARDEN. YOU BETTER KISS HIM, OR I WILL MARCH THE FUCK OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND SLAP YOU SHITLESS.” From the annoying girl across the street with the overpowering pink hair and blue hoodie –he met her before, in Baltimore. Same pink hair, same hoodie, the name was something like Leah? Rhea? Something like that. – And he heard the distinct break out of argument and bets on the Cobra Starship bus. William was telling off Sisky and Andy for betting on who was going to kiss who –five were on Mike, fifteen already on Ryland-. Gabe betted twenty on Ryland, Mike could hear the smile in his voice. That stupid smile and made Mike want to hit him sometimes, because he flashed it when he knew something was up, when you were lying or he was drunk and hitting on you. Not that he hates Gabe, Chislett, Alex or Nate, but he really wanted to be the one that kissed Ryland and made things up. Though, he wasn’t sorry Nate, Alex, and Chislett lost their five dollars nor, was he sorry Gabe lost his twenty to an eager William –“Come on Billvy! Just bet something! You ruin all the fun…”- He definitely wasn’t sorry to have kissed Ryland so deeply, so passionately. He wasn’t sorry for Ryland to be pressing closer, tighter to his body. His face was soft, flawless under Mike’s hands as he broke away quickly before kissing him softly again. Soft, flawless, it seemed that Ryland’s lips could never be chapped or bruised. He was the first to pull back, Ryland was.
Mike didn’t have to say anything, and neither did Ryland. They could finish it all in the silence. Something broken when spoken. Mike finally knew, finally realized. He answered his own questions from his old walks. He never thought about love anymore when he walked with Ryland, and even when he didn’t because Ryland wasn’t on tour with The Academy Is… because he could finally realize what love was. And love is different for each person, like fingerprints and the shape of ears. You can look at the two, and see nothing but hatred of the bible and god, betrayal of religion, but if you really did understand you would see the love. Mike has the answers because now, he has someone who loves him, someone he doesn’t think he loves but actually does. Love is their silence, something broken when spoken