Disenchanted

Wide awake. 1:00 PM. Still. In. Bed. Gazing fondly up at the ceiling fan that was becoming my reminder that time was passing. That CD had spun all night, on repeat. And with a wheezing huff, it finished the last track and begun again with number one, The End. 

Please tell me what good this was for myself? My health. I could already feel the wearing pains of deterioration on the horizon. I hadn't showered since I'd gotten here. Let alone eaten or drank anything besides one glass of water and a shit load of rancid Coke. 

I wrenched myself up from the mattress with a huff of exertion. Seeing my reflection in the cloudy mirror on the wall, covered in a fine sheen of dust. My eyes were dark, half dead looking, and I could assume how He had felt.

I groaned in pain as I pushed myself off the sagging mattress and stumbled for the bathroom. Turning on the shower with shaking hands, I almost hissed when my skin came into contact with the boiling water coming down from the shower head. I reminded myself well over twenty times to be calm, because I was ok. Every time I failed meekly. 

I spent far too long in the shower, eyeing the scars most of the time. Not just the one across my stomach. But the others, inflicted from stupid stunts I'd decided to participate in with him. Like skateboarding, surfing, and the more dangerous things. Like riding a tandem bike over ramps, it was the drummers idea... That one resulted in me with a broken rib and He had a broken arm. But we laughed hysterically the entire time they patched us up.

I blinked away the swell of tears. Becoming angry with myself for already greedily filling my head with obsessive, missing thoughts of him... He wouldn't be back and my mind and heart hadn't seemed to accept that.

I got dressed in a daze. My mind as clouded as the bathroom mirror with shower steam.

I pulled on shoes, a jacket, tossing my hair up into a dark black beanie so my wet hair wouldn't be affected by the cool morning, and piling on so much eyeliner and mascara, I was beyond recognition of anyone who might know me. 

It was with a shaky breath, my hand resting on the handle that led outside my four safe walls of memories that I'd face the outside world. A place I'd been shying away from for well over four days. Even my trip to Christie didn't count as going outside because I didn't socialize with other people. The more thought I put into it, the more I began to become worried if I even knew how to talk to people anymore at all.

I got into my car before I could procrastinate any longer. Turned the keys and backed out of my drive. I drove the familiar roads that once-apon-a-time I'd been cruising in Saturday nights with Him and his roadies. The streets were slightly clouded with fog, but with the constant California sun shine, it'd all burn over by noon. Hopefully my depressed mood would too.

I saw it then and stomped on my brakes at the sight of it. Slowing down too much, just staring at the faded olive green brick building. Where within it's walls was live music, dedicated fans and moshers and that stinky air that wafted out the propped open front door. Smelling like excitement and teen spirit. I finally parked, after realizing in my daze, four cars had built a line behind me. All honked their horns and fingered me upon their passing. I paid no mind to them though, I studied the little building. 

It hadn't changed too much over the years. More and more of the rust colors bricks were beginning to peak out from under the sloppy exterior paint job, the flat tin room had rain water puddling up on it and I already suspected they had leaks inside. Theo only really noticeable changes I saw was they got rid of the old sign that read the clubs name and replaced it with a classier sign with a list of all the bands who had ever played here, small or large. Green Day had been one of them, and I saw their name on the list. Jumping out at me like a flashing beacon.

I winced away form it. Knowing damn well where I did and didn't belong. And it sure as he'll wasn't here. If I wanted to see him, I'd get on eBay and order one of his five hundred dollar front row tickets to a LA concert. 

I hadn't really made the effort to keep up with the band after their abrupt departure from Rodeo. But I had heard they were up to something from some gossipy girls on campus. 

I took several more deep breaths and hopped out of my car, just as the sky began to trickle rain. I moved slowly towards the door though. Wary of what I'd see inside, I pulled open the door, my eyes adjusting to how dark it was. There were lights, dim ones, hovering above a pool table, the stage. Made with splintering wooden planks, I saw them. 

Him. On stage with his band, the bassist and drummer, the same way they looked last time I'd seen them all. Performing, grinning and enjoying playing their instruments more than anyone had the right to. I became so enveloped in the sweet sounds of music I slowly approached the stage. Just staring up at them, but they never met my eyes. He never once glanced down, in fact I looked around myself and there was no crowd, gathered as close to the stage as possible, moshing. In fact it was just me and a few other people, but the others weren't gathered around the stage, they were reading damp newspapers or listening to old punk music in the jukebox I and Him abused.

I looked up to the stage again. To find it empty, void of any presence. The drum kit gone, well the one I'd seen, the guitars, basses, and most of all, them. They were gone. I felt the doubt sink in as I realized they had been nothing more than a projection of my fuzzy memories. I turned away from the stage to go sit at the most secluded table deep in the shadows. I crossed my arms across my chest and put my feet up on the table. My intentions were to stay all day until the bands start coming in at five. At least I assumed that's when they still came in.

I remember tugging Him out the door excitedly, yelling at him that I wanted to meet the band. So Id drag him out at five every night to meet the bands that preformed in the alley as they were unloading their gear. 

I blinked several times, realizing I'd both zoned out and tears had brimmed over. I inhaled a deep breath and blocked out all further thoughts of Him.