Better Left Forgotten

*Vlamira*

~Then~

For several days I was to scrub clothes until my hands turned red and raw. The harsh soaps I used burned my skin and the hot water boiled my fingers until all I knew was pain. The first time I slipped away was to search for my sister. I was only gone for a few minutes before I was caught to which I received fifty lashes and denied a day’s rations for my folly. I wish I could say I was strong in the face of their cruelty and never gave up my search for my sister but when your belly is empty and your head filled with nothing but the desperate need for survival, such foolish thoughts were abandoned. A few weeks later and I would have given up my own eyes for a piece of bread.

The first time I saw Arlette I was dumping out the contents of a chamber pot. She bounded into the room a flurry of gold, blues, and silk, a dazzling contrast to the drab cloth and dirtied skeleton that was me. When she saw me there, frozen in place while holding that pot of putrid filth, she grinned and her blue eyes sparkled with delight. The man behind her was as rigid as a stone giving me the impression of a statue carved of frozen marble. When she turned to face him, her face alight with childish excitement, her golden hair flashed behind her like spun gold.

“I like this one Sir Rodrick! I demand you give her to me!” The statue she threw words at gradually came to life as his face took on an exasperated look.

“Your highness, what about you’re other playmate?” He asked and Vlamira’s hands froze around the chamber pot she clutched.

“I grow bored of her. Besides, she has brown hair, this one has silver hair. I’ve never seen one with silver hair before. I want this one!” The small princess huffed and Vlamira thought she saw something akin to annoyance in Sir Rodrick’s face before it quickly disappeared.

“As you wish your highness.” He forced out, his words hitting the air like the sound of rough gravel.
Unsure of what to do, I gently set the chamber pot down and fiddled with the torn edges of the ragged cloth I wore. When the princess gleefully dashed across the room, I took a step back in surprise. My uncertainty did not deter her however and she grabbed my hand clasping it between her two eager ones. The next words she spoke settled around me like a blanket covering the object I had become.

“I shall name you Leslie! I just know we’re going to be great friends.”

~Now~

I woke up sweating and heaving. I feared the dreams of the past would never cease tormenting me. I feared that I would never forget the intensity of the blue in Arlette’s eyes. The same blue that my own left eye was. Sometimes, when I looked in the mirror and saw it, I saw her face instead of my own leering out at me.

It took me a few seconds to wrench myself free from the cold fingers of my past, but when I finally came too, it was Lucian’s concerned gaze that I saw first. Sitting up I quickly glanced around the room taking in my surroundings. With that annoying concerned look on Lucian’s face I felt like I was a child waking up from a nightmare in her parent’s bed.

“Are you alright love?” He asked and annoyingly his words eased my restless spirit with the soft way they seemed to flow from his lips. Deciding I simply wasn’t in the mood to answer him or even talk to him for now that I had some more sleep I had suddenly restored my supply of bitterness, I swept the covers away angrily and retreated to the bathroom.

While the glass had been swept away and removed from the room, a few shattered shards still clung desperately to mirror frame above the sink and my image peered out at me in broken fragments.

I tried to look away but that blue eye sucked me in and I was staring at a broken image of Arlette again glaring out at me with those accusing storm blue eyes.

“Look at what you did to me.” She whispered and suddenly I was breaking the rest of that mirror. Glass shards cut into my fisted hands as they clattered to the sink but the pain of the glass was much easier to bear then the pain of her memory.

“Vlamira!” A voice thundered for I had forgotten Lucian in my fit of momentary insanity. He rushed to my side taking in the scene with wide confused eyes. I halfheartedly tried to pull away from him but he only tightened his hold on my arms as he drew me to him.

I watched as he very carefully cleaned my wounds again and nearly felt guilty for making him worry so much before I remembered how he had forcefully marked me. Suddenly, I wanted to make him regret ever having accepted me as his mate. Ripping my hands away from him, I spat words out like venom to him. “I can do it myself.”

The bright silver of his eyes seemed to darken into two murky grey pools as he leaned in closer to me. “Forgive me if I do not fully trust you when it comes to your health.”

“I’m sorry but forgiveness is something I’m not quite familiar with.” I said and this time I did not look away from his heavy gaze. He was a stranger to me yet somehow, even though he wore an expression of stone I just knew that he was boiling with fury. He held it in well, like a damn that blocks the flow of water, but when his gaze met mine, I knew that behind the stone of his eyes lurked a lake of anger.

Deciding it would be wise not to provoke him further I reached for the bandages he still clutched in his hands and made a point of fixing up my wounds.

“Who is Arlette?” He asked and I stopped bandaging my hand at the sudden shock of hearing her name spoken aloud again in so long. Hoping he didn’t catch my momentary pause I continued to clean my cuts before asking harshly, “Did you read my thoughts by any chance?” I wanted him to know that he was unwelcome there and that any invasion of my privacy was not okay.

“No.” He stated undeterred by my cold clipped tone. “You kept saying that name in your sleep. I was wondering if I should be jealous.” When I glanced up at him, his eyebrow was quirked as if throwing humor my way would make me open up to him more.

“Maybe.” I said vaguely. As I cleared away the medical supplies I tried to make it clear that our conversation about Arlette was over. Lucian I was learning, was not one to listen to hints though.
“What happened to her?” he asked and a certain quietness settled around the room. I couldn’t meet his eyes when I told him.

“She died.” Though my eyes were averted, I could feel Lucian’s silver eyes boring into my stiff form almost as if they were trying to peel away my armor and see who I really was inside. It unnerved me because there were times when I was convinced that Lucian really could see past my façade.
“Do you miss her?” He finally asked. Suddenly, all I could think about was how I needed fresh air. I bit back a wince when my shredded feet touched the ground and quickly made my way to the door. Lucian was quicker though. He was blocking my exit before I could even reach for the door handle.

“Move.” I gritted out.

“You’re on house arrest remember?” he said and although his voice was quiet, the fierce quality of the command was heard clearly.

“I need some air.” I said trying again to move past him. Trying to get past him though was like trying to break through concrete. I bit back a cry of frustration when he refused to step aside.

“why are you doing this to me!” I finally screamed. I know it was childish of me but suddenly all of the frustration and anger I’d been feeling these past few days came to the surface and burst loose in an embarrassing immature temper tantrum. I found myself screaming till my voice was hoarse while throwing a barrage of punches at Lucian’s chest. He simply stood there stoically as I unleased my wrath upon him. When I couldn’t hit him anymore and my chest was heaving from the exertion I simply sunk to the floor and bit my lip till I tasted blood. I would rather him see me bleed then ever see me cry.

“Are you done love?” I heard him ask and I wanted to rip his voice box out for even asking. I heard a quiet sigh before Lucian was crouching down beside me and I was forced to meet his inquiring eyes.

“If I take you outside with me, will you behave?” He asked.

“I’m not a dog.” I snapped. He sighed again and turned to leave but when I saw my chance at going outside quickly slipping away I swallowed my pride and threw out what I knew he wanted to hear.

“I won’t run I promise!” He hesitated for a moment and because I thought I was losing my chance I forced out one word that always tasted bitter on my tongue. “please.” I was hoping for it to come out sounding hostile but it broke off a little at the end making it sound pleading and desperate instead.

As much as I regretted ever saying that last word, it’s what ultimately convinced Lucian to give me what I wanted.

Lucian opened the door all the way and waited quietly for me to pick myself off the floor. As he held the door for me, I carefully crept past him afraid that he’d change his mind.

I jumped when a warm hand rested on the small of my back and guided me down the right corridor. I wanted to slap it away but Lucian’s arm wrapped more securely around my waist preventing me from moving away. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was his mate or if this was just his way of ensuring I didn’t run away. I think it was a bit of both. Either way there wasn’t a chance I was escaping today.

As we drew closer to the outside world, my excitement grew. I couldn’t wait to feel the wind against my face and the cold snow against my bare feet. Finally, the doors to my prison opened and the sun greeted me like an old friend. I wanted to reach up and hold it in my hands. My kind was born of nature so being away from it for even three days was damaging to our spirits.

I let a long satisfied sigh escape from my lips as my feet touched the earth and I could feel my strength returning. I completely forgot about Lucian at my side and laid down in the snow allowing its cool clean scent to engulf me.

I heard a sharp intake of air and peeked up at the sky to see Lucian’s concerned gaze looking down at me. Without asking, he reached down and scooped me up in his arms.

“what are you doing love? You’ll get sick.” He scolded but there was a certain gentleness in his tone that soothed me.

I believe it was this gentleness that made me momentarily put away my bitter façade.

“I was listening to the earth breathe.” I said. “Sometimes, if you listen closely enough, you can hear her sigh.”

If Lucian were human, he’d probably think that I was a nut. I could see in his eyes though that he knew what I meant. We were both born of the earth.

I’m not sure what got into me but suddenly, I was tired of pushing Lucian away. Maybe it was all these memories of Arlette that kept bombarding me or maybe it was the mate bond. Whatever it was, I was done fighting it, just for today.

“can we go to that river?” I asked and suddenly felt stupid. How many rivers were around here anyway? When Lucian looked down at me though I knew that he understood. Lucian always seemed to just understand. It was both infuriating and endearing at the same time. I had only known him for a few days but I was starting to believe that no one has ever known me like Lucian. Was this what a mate was?

Gently, Lucian set me down and began transforming into a very large wolf. It was the first time I’d seen his wolf and I was taken aback by just how large he was. His sleek black fur covered powerful lean muscles and his vibrant silver eyes were more chilling then the snow that crunched under our feet. I wanted to pretend to be unfazed, but I couldn’t quite mask my wonder as I reached out and hesitantly combed my fingers through his midnight fur. It was coarser then I expected it to be but when I caught his eyes, they held in them the same love I’d seen in them from the first time I met him. Though I tried to hide it, I’d always been fascinated by werewolves. Not so much in the way they could transform into a beast or move a car with their bare hands, but in the way they could love. So unconditionally. Why was that?

I took a step back when Lucian lowered himself to the ground unsure of what he was doing. His silver eyes cut through the wintery frost and urged me closer.

~It is quicker this way love~

Uncertainly, I stepped closer to the still wolf and climbed on top of his broad back holding his coarse black hair in my fisted hands. When he lifted himself off the ground and began running I threw myself on his back wrapping my arms around him as much as I could. With my face pressed so closely against Lucian’s back, I wasn’t able to see my surroundings well and only knew we had arrived when Lucian slowed to a stop. My legs were shaky when I crawled off his back and I’m pretty sure I pulled a few handfuls of his hair out. I wondered if he would have bald spots when he changed back. I was a relieved and a little bit disappointed when Lucian transformed with all of his hair.

Looking around, I suddenly remembered the first time I came here and how Lucian had given me a heart shaped river stone. I also remembered how I’d thrown it back into the river and snarled hateful words at him. Even though I refused to feel guilty I looked down at all the river stones that painted the ground and reached down to pick up a smooth round black one. I avoided his eyes when I offered it to him.

“It’s the color of your wolf.” I clarified and when I felt him pull the stone from my fingers I quickly turned away from him. I don’t know how but I just knew he was smiling at me. If I turned around I’d see him and the corner of his mouth would tilt up just a little higher than the other. Hoping I was wrong I glanced over but then quickly turned away when I saw his lips quirk into that small smile that made my heart flutter. Scowling at my traitorous feelings I took a step closer to the water hoping I’d see some fish or anything really to take my mind off of Lucian.

“why are you so hard to read my little warrior?” Lucian asked and the question startled me into looking at him.

“I’m pretty simple actually. If you’re not me then I hate you and if you are me then I still hate you.” I said and I jumped when I heard a chuckle reverberate through Lucian’s chest. Who knew this large intimidating man could laugh. I was too stunned by the sound that escaped his lips to step away when he reached for me pulling me closer to him. He easily enfolded me in his arms and although my mind told me it would be best to move away, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It felt…..nice being embraced like this. I felt almost….safe.

“are you saying that you hate yourself my love?” He whispered into my hair and I shivered as his breath caressed my skin. I wanted to come back with some smart ass comment but his hand tracing patterns on my back made them all get lodged in my throat. What was this man doing to me?

“Everyone hates themselves a little.” I finally forced out and even though something in me didn’t want to, I made myself pull away from Lucian who reluctantly let me go. I was about to step around him when a sound carried by the wind caught my attention. I quickly turned to where it came from looking for the source and noticed Lucian stiffen next to me.

Across the river bank I spotted him. He was too far away to make out any details of his face but there was something about him that seemed….so familiar. Maybe it was the way he stood or just the way he quietly watched us. I didn’t have time to ponder this stranger across the river however for Lucian was suddenly very still.

“Get behind me.” He ordered and something in his tone made me bristle. I didn’t take orders from anybody. When I didn’t immediately comply a furious snarl ripped loose from his lips that sent shivers up my spine. I was no coward but I was no fool either. Lucian was rapidly losing control and anyone with a lick of sense knew better then to provoke a tense alpha male. He stepped in front of me protectively and shielded me from the stranger’s view. I was about to move around him to get a better look at the man across the river when Lucian turned to me.

“Head back to the castle now.” His words fell heavy in the silence raking across the tense atmosphere with the texture of gravel as if words were becoming difficult for him to form. When my defiance at being ordered around flared back up again he took a step towards me and my instinct took over causing me to take a step back. Furious at myself for showing weakness I planted my feet more firmly in the earth and held his heated stare.

“Vlamira.” He warned and the waves of power that rolled off him reached out to me wrapping me in their folds. It was almost suffocating. Uncertain I unconsciously took another step back. Something was telling me not to push Lucian further.

Before I turned to leave, I darted a quick glance over Lucian’s shoulder only to find the strange man gone. I was about to say as much when a few of Lucian’s soldiers materialized from the woods and began moving towards the other side of the bank. If it weren’t for Lucian’s over-protective reaction, and the line of tense werewolves, I would have thought I had imagined the whole thing.

Deciding I was going to get nowhere with Lucian, I turned to leave making a show of following his orders. As soon as he turned away I’d go investigate on my own. Lucian must have known what I was thinking though because as soon as I averted my eyes Lucian growled and scooped me up into his arms. I thrashed in protest and frustration when he began jogging towards the castle.

“Wait!” I said not sure why I felt so much urgency. “who was that?” Lucian didn’t pause or answer my question, if anything, his pace quickened. I only hoped this whole encounter wouldn’t affect my outdoor privileges.

When we reached the castle, Lucian gently set me down. “Take her to her rooms and don’t let her out of your sight.” Lucian instructed a couple of werewolves standing guard.

“Is it rogues?” one of them ask and Lucian just shook his head.

“No, he’s not. But he’s not from another pack either.” For some reason Lucian looked down at me and for a moment, I thought I saw something in his eyes that seemed almost accusatory. Before I could bombard him with more questions though or ask him what the hell he thought he was looking at, he roughly pulled me towards him and kissed my forehead almost possessively before transforming again and darting back into the forest.

The wolves by my side gently grasped my arms attempting to lead me back to my room. The touch was meant to feel warm and comforting but to me, all it felt like was restraints. Ripping my arms away I began walking towards the front door without their assistance. I heard their quiet sighs behind me as they followed close at my heels.

“My apologies my lady but if I may ask you something?” one of the guards escorting me tentatively asked as she hurried to match my angry strides.

I cut my eyes in her direction urging her to continue.

“As far as werewolves are concerned, you are extremely lucky. You found your mate, you are at the top of the werewolf hierarchy and you live in a castle.” She breathed and her genuine curiosity filled the small space between us.

“What’s your point?” I asked already annoyed by where this was heading.

“So why do you seem to hate this situation so much? Why can’t you just accept Lucian and your rightful place as Luna?”

When I suddenly stopped, she pulled back in surprise. I stared at her and allowed her full view of my mismatched eyes wanting to burn her with their intensity.

“By werewolf standards huh? Am I werewolf?” I asked and I watched her fidget nervously as she mulled over my question.

“No mylady….I don’t think you are.” She finally whispered. I imagined my stare as heavy boulders pressing into her back. If stared at her a bit longer I was certain I’d be able to hear her small body being crushed.

“No I’m not. So why would I ever want the same things a werewolf would want?” Before she could answer or ask another annoying question I darted into my room throwing the door shut behind me.
I waited by the door for her to leave and I listened quietly to her shaky breathing before I finally heard her receding footsteps. I was slowly losing hope that I’d ever leave Forticry pack now that the reality of Lucian having marked me was slowly sinking in. Getting along with the pack members would probably be a wise move but I didn’t want them to like me. I wanted them to hate me. To curse my name every time I turned my back. I wanted them to hate me because sometimes hate was all I thought I deserved.