Better Left Forgotten

~Then~

In the beginning, she was kind. She fed me sweets and shared the gifts her father gave her. She dressed me in beautiful doll clothes and adorned my emancipated body with jewels and pearls as she pretended we were guests at a ball. She laughed a carefree laugh with me and told me all of her secrets. Arlette was like a poison coated candy. The only thing was you had to eat the whole candy before you realized that it was poison.

My life became easier the day Arlette saved me from the laundry pit. I was fed regularly so that my stomach didn’t hurt at night and bathed frequently so I no longer scratched my head until my scalp bled. While things were easier things were also harder. I knew my duties. I was her playmate, her friend, and her doll. I played the part but at night I’d lay awake fearing the day she grew tired of me. I had replaced someone and I knew that she would do the same to me when someone more interesting came along.

Becoming Arlettes doll had its perks. I was allowed more freedom and there wasn’t much that was expected of me. When I roamed the halls with Arlette or took long walks in the gardens my eyes never stopped searching for Aneihla. As the days ticked by so did my hope of ever finding my sister. It would be two long years before I saw her again.

When I first came across her in the halls I nearly didn’t recognize her. It had only been two years yet I somehow had already begun to forget what she looked like. She had her eyes cast downward when we passed her, a stack of sheets pressed tightly to her chest as she scuttled by. With a surge of hope in my breast I called out to her, “Aneihla?” and she paused. I wanted to run to her, to bury my face in her clothes and breathe in her scent but Arlette stood beside me, her small hand squeezing the blood out of my arm.

Aneihla turned then and bowed to Arlette her face devoid of emotion. Her once bright eyes were now sunken in and dull as if the despair and hopelessness she felt had created a film over her irises. Where was the haughty and angry sister I had grown up with? Who was this sad broken stranger in front of me?

“Do you need anything my lady?” She asked and her voice came out in dull flat tones. I desperately searched her face for any sign of the Aneihla I once knew but she must have been hiding somewhere inside the pale sickly girl in front of me.

“No. Be on your way.” Arlette demanded and when Aneihla bowed once more and scurried away without sparing me a backwards glance, a piece of me broke off and died with my sister’s spirit. Even when Arlette dug her fingers into my skin and pulled on my arm impatiently I continued to watch as the only family I had left disappeared around the corner.

~Now~

When I woke up it was unbearably hot. The pillow I slept on was damp under my cheek and I was mortified to find that my cheeks were wet with tears. I wiped them away in frustration, furious at myself for allowing weakness even if it snuck up on me in my sleep.

When I began to pull myself up and get some fresh air, something around my waist tightened and pulled me back down. I gasped as I was roughly drug closer to which I was crushed against someone’s chest. Annoyance flared to life within my breast as Lucian buried his nose in the crook of my neck and breathed in my scent. I tried to fight it but a shiver raked my body and I hated the fact that he had this power over me.

His chest rumbled making me jump a little before I realized he was purring his approval of me. I’d heard a couple of werewolves make this noise before with their mates and I never really understood why they did it. I was about to ask him when felt his body stiffen next to me. It was stiflingly only a moment ago but I was suddenly cold as if Lucian’s mood was leeching the warmth right out of the air.

“What is this?” He asked and the fury that laced his voice could cut through steel. I was afraid it would even cut through the armor I wore around myself that protected me from the truth.

I pushed myself away from his hold knowing he must have spotted the angry ‘R’ that marred my neck when he nuzzled aside my hair. I quickly stood up and Lucian followed suit, the ice of his wrath making him seem larger and much scarier. For the first time I actually felt scared of him.

“What is what?” I asked even though I knew it was a stupid move. The silver of his eyes darkened a shade more when he said “Do not play games with me Vlamira. That’s a very dangerous move.”

I was planted where I stood afraid to step forward but also afraid to take a step back. I didn’t want to tell him. I wanted it to stay locked away, hidden from both me and the world so that I wouldn’t have to face it.

“What game?” I tried again and I swallowed when the low sound of his warning chilled the air.

“Vlamira.” He warned. Why couldn’t he let it go? Why couldn’t he understand that I couldn’t tell him. I’d have to face it and if I faced it I would break.

The way he was looking at me with those eyes simmering like puddles of molten lava made me realize that he would never drop this. So I lied. I told him what I thought he wanted to hear. Later I wouldn’t feel guilty either because even if someone said they wanted to know, no one really wanted to know the truth. Even me. It wasn’t just Lucian who I lied to that day. I lied to myself too because sometimes, it was just easier to believe in the lie.

“Oh this?” I said as if it just dawned on me and I ran my finger across the raised flesh of my neck trying not to shudder when the memory of the pain resurfaced. “I got this when I was five. It was an accident but I don’t remember much about what happened.” I tried not to gag when I remembered how the pale green tiles felt against my cheek and the smell of my flesh as it melted away.

Lucian continued to stare at me and I remembered too late that he could see inside of my head. Hoping he didn’t catch the small flash of memory I forced my mind blank, something I had become skilled at during my time of slavery. After all, when everything around you is filled with suffering and death, it was easier not to think.

He was quiet while he studied me, almost too quiet. I don’t think he believed me but he didn’t push me anymore. I think he realized that if he had, something in me would have broken. I stood still as he reached for me and enfolded me in his arms. I didn’t fight him. I’d forced my mind blank. I was a doll again like all those years ago when I was with Arlette.

His hands rubbed my back in comforting circles and even through the layer of ice I’d coated around my mind I was able to feel his concern as he tried his best to understand me. Something began to tap at the glass I’d formed in my mind asking permission to enter but I denied it access and made the glass thicker.

Lucian leaned down and gently kissed the piece of me that would never heal. I shuddered as his lips caressed the scar on my neck and let him do it wishing his unexpected kiss would take away my memories with it.

Lucian sighed when he pulled away and finally just whispered what he wanted to tell me. “My love, the more you hold it in the more it will hurt you.”

Maybe, I thought. But some things would just hurt you no matter what you did with it. Whether I held it in or let it out it didn’t matter. It would all hurt just the same.

___________________________________________________________________________

“So did you ever find that man across the lake?” I asked nonchalantly as I dug ferociously into a steak. The couple of werewolves that were with us watched me in morbid fascination as I devoured my second steak.

Lucian had agreed to let me out of my room as long as I stayed by his side the whole time. Deciding it was better than being stuffed in the tiny can that was my room I went along with it. Besides, I was curious about the man I’d glimpsed.

“Why are you curious?” Lucian asked and his silver eyes bore into me beseechingly. Something in his tone sounded guarded which only piqued my interest.

“I was just wondering. He seemed kind of….familiar.” I said and I trailed off a little as tried to picture his face. Lucian’s angry snarl brought me back. I knew Lucian was possessive and a little ill-tempered but he was normally good at reigning in his rage so it came as a surprise when he allowed some of his anger to slip past his guard.

“Well even if he’s someone you know he isn’t to come near you.” He forced out and I watched as the fork he gripped bent in his clenched fist.

Scowling at both his tone and the fact that my question was still unanswered I vented my frustration out on my steak instead. I’d find out from someone else. Someone who wasn’t so infuriating.

“Vlamira.” I heard and I momentarily paused slaughtering the steak on my plate. When I looked up Lucian was standing by the door way watching me with adoration in his eyes. I hated that look partly because I just hated it but also because it made my heart flutter in my chest and my knees turn to jelly. The light cast shadows on his chiseled face as he stared expectantly at me and I grew frustrated at myself for allowing myself to admire how handsome he was if even for a moment.

“Are you coming or do you want to go back up to our room and rest a bit more?” He asked and I bristled when he called it ‘our’ room. I wanted to snap at him but then thought better of it and pushed my plate aside. His silver eyes twinkled when I made my way to his side and he grabbed my small hand in his giant bear-paw like one. When I tried to pull it away, he intertwined our fingers and used his strength to pull me closer.

I glowered up at him as he hid a small smirk. He thought he was so clever. I knew the whole intertwined finger thing was to prevent me from running away just as much as it was to soothe his desire to touch me.

“Where are we going?” I finally asked my curiosity getting the better of me as we veered off the main road and into some of the smaller branching ones that led into the surrounding town.

“I’m going to show you off to the whole pack.” He said huskily. “I want everyone to see you and realize who you belong to.”

A picture of Arlette dressing me in a thousand colored dresses popped into my head and I tried again to pull my hand away unsuccessfully.

“I’m not an object.” I snapped and I watched as Lucian turned his soft grey eyes towards me and I had to look away so that I wouldn’t be sucked into that loving gaze.

“I never said you were my love.”

I opened my mouth to give my retort but then I closed it again and just decided not to say anything.

As we traveled the streets, Lucian gripping my hand tightly the whole way. People paused and turned to watch us with curious expressions. The kids stopped playing games and the elders stopped their newspaper readings and chess games to look over horn rimmed glasses as we passed. One woman attempted to wave at us but I scowled at her and she quickly retracted her hand as if I’d burned her.

“Be nice.” Lucian said but I could hear the laughter in his voice.

“Well they should stop staring.” I said and then eyeballed an honorary looking old woman who openly gawked at me with a shrewd gaze. I mirrored her sour expression until she finally averted her eyes.

“It’s because you are beautiful.” He said brushing his lips against my fingers that remained intertwined with his. “Sometimes unnaturally so.”

“No. It’s because I’m odd. They can’t tell what I am and that scares them.” I said.

“They know exactly what you are.” He stated fiercely as he pulled me to a stop. I looked up at him startled. “You are my mate and their Luna. You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and the only woman that can make my heart beat faster or stop altogether. They don’t stare at you because you are odd, they stare at you because they know that you are mine.”

And then he was kissing me.

It was as if every feeling I’ve ever felt was exploding inside of me. His lips were warm and hungry as they crushed against mine and my body responded to his touch as if it had done so a million times before. Lucian let go of my hand so that he could grab my hips and pull me closer and I was surprised to find myself burying my fingers into his midnight black hair so that I could pull him closer deepening the kiss. Desire blossomed in my stomach like a small flame and it was as if that small fire breathed life into the mate bond that bridged us together. I could feel the pull towards him growing stronger and for just a moment, I let myself enjoy it.

Finally, I broke away for air and tried to regain some of my composure as his smoldering gray eyes looked into mine. I momentarily found myself thinking they looked like piles of ash. The end product of an intensely hot fire that swallowed both of us in its hungry flame.

Snapping back to reality I quickly pulled away as if Lucian had burned me. Shoving my hands in my pocket I hastily turned and battled the blood that threatened to flood my cheeks. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. I was mortified. Not only at having made out in public but also because I had allowed myself get swept away in the intensity that was Lucian.

I could almost feel the smug satisfactory look Lucian was giving me as I fidgeted under the gawking by standers stares.

Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “You’re still standing here? What is this, your local porn channel? Scram!” I hissed and I watched as their amused expressions turned guilty and they resumed their tasks.

Lucian’s laugh echoed against the walls as he gently grabbed my hand and led me away from the abashed werewolves.

“I thought Luna’s were supposed to prevent their Alpha from terrorizing the pack. I didn’t know it was the other way around my little warrior.” Lucian said and I tried to ignore the affection that laced his voice.

I huffed in response and refused to meet his gaze. I hated to admit it but I was still a little mortified at the whole kissing scene and found it hard to look him in the eyes. I was beginning to realize just how strong and scary this whole mate pull thing was. What had I gotten myself into?

____________________________________________________________________________

When we made it back to the castle I went up to my room wanting nothing more but to take a nice long bath. Lucian had caught me off guard today but I promised myself I’d win the battle next time. Probably feeling my combative spirit and realizing my need to nurse my wounded pride at having surrendered to the mate pull Lucian let me go to my room alone. I could feel his heated stare on my back though as I climbed the stairs.

The bathroom was clean again, someone had finally fixed the mirror I had destroyed in my rampage and swept away the broken glass that littered the floor. Standing in front of the newly fixed mirror I pushed aside my long silver blond hair exposing the angry raised flesh of the ‘R’ that marred my neck. I thought back to how Lucian had tenderly kissed the ugly scar and wondered how he could still find me beautiful. He saw it as a piece of me, as part of my past and part of who I am, but I saw it for what it really stood for. An angry ‘R’ to remind me. Always winking up at me as if to say ‘remember what happened. ’ I allowed my hair to fall back in place obscuring the scar from my sight. I didn’t need it to remind me. After all, how could I ever forget?