Ache With Me
The Kids From Yesterday
“You look beautiful, Lily,” Avery said, sitting next to me on the couch. If she hadn’t sat down on the edge of my dress, I would have shifted away from her slightly. I wasn’t in the mood for small talk or sharing anyone’s company at the moment. Hell, I wasn’t even in the mood for this baby shower. It wasn’t for me. I was just the baby incubator. I might as well have been a potted plant for all that I mattered today.
“Don’t you want to cover up?” Mom asked as she whizzed past. She had been busily preparing for this party all morning; I’d been chauffeured over by my father and had spent the night so I got to see all of the madness in real time.
“You’ve got the heat on full blast, I’m fine.” In fact, I was a little too warm. I’d been running a little hotter since I gained the little passenger. It made me feel a little less shitty to think of the baby as a passenger and not a parasite, although in the last month I had started to feel that way. It probably had something to do with the fact that I hadn’t seen Max in a month.
Eden took me back to her townhouse after we left the hospital and by the time I got back the next day, all of Max’s things had been cleaned out, including Sylvester. I suspected Hunter was responsible, since Max hadn’t been released until later that night and he wouldn’t be in any shape to be moving all of his stuff that way. I guess he had preferred to keep lying to me, rather than come home. It suited me just fine. I didn’t care one bit that he was gone. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself. Honestly, I was just done with everything. I didn’t want to be pregnant, I didn’t want to be single, I didn’t want to go to work. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry, which I’d done plenty of lately.
“I have something for you.” Avery said, breaking me out of my stupor. She’d somehow produced a large white box. I wasn’t sure if she’d even gotten up. “Consider it the first of many.” I opened it and revealed a beautiful pink velvet jacket. It was one I’d been lusting over for a while; I was impressed that Avery had remembered and bought it for me.
“Not sure it’ll fit anymore.” I shrugged it on, and while I couldn’t button it, it fit perfectly on my shoulders and arms. Looking down at myself, I realized why Mom had wanted me to cover up. I still wasn’t used to these enormous pregnancy breasts I’d suddenly sprouted. I’d been an A-cup all my life and now I was wearing a C-cup. According to every pregnancy book I’d read, and I’d read several, they were only going to get bigger. The jacket helped disguise how exposed they were in this dress.
Before I knew it I was being shooed off the couch and into the armchair by the window to “receive” the guests that weren’t even my guests. Eden was coming and aside from that, none of my friends would be here.
As people began filing in, they basically ignored me after a brief hello and focused their attention on Avery. That was also fine by me; I got to sit in the nice armchair by the window and didn’t have to talk to anybody. Eden showed up fairly early on and took a seat on the carpet by my feet. She’d been so good to me in the last few weeks, her and Hunter both. Hunter would take me to and from work and Eden would give me all the emotional support I needed. I felt bad about making their relationship work around me, but I was so absolutely helpless these days. Hunter had to drag me out of bed a few times because I just wanted to wallow in my own sadness.
I knew Max was staying with him; he’d sold his apartment when he moved into my loft and there wouldn’t have been time for him to find another place so quickly. But I didn’t ask how Max was and he didn’t tell me. I didn’t want to know.
If nothing else, this baby shower got me out of the loft for a while. When the food started being served Eden brought me a plate and a cup of tea. She watched me like a hawk while I ate. She’d make a great mother someday. Hopefully she wouldn’t have me be her surrogate.
I could see now why Max had been so against me carrying the baby. I hadn’t been prepared for the changes it was making to my body, and I wasn’t prepared for the way I’d suddenly become a passive vessel. I’d noticed that Avery didn’t ask how I was anymore; she asked how the baby was and then made an excuse to get off the phone. I wasn’t sure she even knew how she was treating me. Her focus from the beginning had been on this child and that hadn’t changed, even if now she was ignoring the body around the baby.
We didn’t play a lot of the traditional baby games, mostly because they would involve me. In a way, it made sense to me that the focus wouldn’t be on me today. This was Avery’s child, I was just the one incubating it. But no one even spared a glance for me or Eden and that was upsetting to me. Didn’t I matter today too? I was the one who was puking every morning and swelling and hurting. Avery got to sit here with her pretty blonde hair and slim figure and I was the one who looked like they’d swallowed a beach ball and hadn’t slept in three days.
“I need to lie down.” I whispered to Eden, who helped me step out of the room quietly. We headed down the hall to my old bedroom, shutting the door behind us. It felt good to lie down and let my back rest a little, and even better to get out of the loud room.
“What a bunch of fucking bitches.” Eden fumed. “They’re acting like you aren’t even there!”
“I’m not dying over it.” I muttered, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m an incubator, that’s all.”
“You are not some kind of brood mare, you’re a fucking human being.” She flopped down next to me, careful to not jostle me. “This is bullshit.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I especially can’t believe the way Avery is acting.” She turned her head to me look at me. “You wanna bail?”
“Well since I’m not the guest of honor I suppose we could…” I sighed. “If I leave Avery and Mom will never let me hear the end of it.”
“I’ll talk to them then. I’ll say you’re sick and want to go home and we’ll leave.” She had just gotten up to leave when someone knocked on the door.
“Lily? Honey, are you okay?” Mom poked her head into the room.
“No.” I felt my face crinkle up and then I was full blown sobbing into my hands. I don’t know how she did it, but somehow she pulled me (mostly) onto her lap and let me cry into her shoulder like she used to when I was little. I found myself telling her about everything, Max, the pregnancy, Avery. Everything I’d been bottling up and stewing about came spewing out like morning sickness. And oddly enough, by the end of it, I felt a little better, even though my face was red and swollen and I was hiccupping. Eden appeared with a glass of water and a box of tissues.
“I’m so sorry baby. I’m going to have a talk with your sister later.” She brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. “I think she’s just feeling the fantasy of having a baby on the way and she’s forgetting that you’re her sister.”
“You think so?” I’d always harbored this secret doubt about Avery. We weren’t sisters, not really, and I’d always wondered if deep down she just tolerated me. And now that I was carrying her child it seemed like I was a convenient vessel.
“Avery loves you. You don’t remember when you were both little, but I do. Eden will take you home and I’ll talk to her later, okay?”
“Okay.” I didn’t really want to leave the safety of my mother’s arms, but I knew leaving was for the best.
“Now remember, look as ill as possible as you leave in case one of those vapid bimbos notices you.” I couldn’t help but laugh at my mother’s description of Avery’s friends.
“I’ll do my best.” I leaned on Eden’s shoulder and tried to look as pale and wan as I could. We made it out to her car without anyone calling attention to us and soon we were on the road back to Seattle.
“I have something for you, glad I didn’t bring it inside.” Eden gestured at the gift bag in the back seat.
“Ooh, shoes!” I opened the box and found a pair of adorable blue flats that would go perfectly with a printed skirt I had. Once I was not pregnant I was sure I’d be wearing them non-stop. “Thank you, E.”
“No problem.” She was quiet for a moment. “Max sent something for you too.” I stiffened slightly in my seat and she noticed. “I wouldn’t have brought it but he actually showed up with it before I left this morning and begged me to bring it along. If he’d asked through Hunter I wouldn’t have done it.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t open it.”
“Hopefully it’s not a cat’s head or something.” I knew he wouldn’t, but joking made me feel a little less like I was going to shake right apart. I reached into the backseat and picked up a white box that was tied with a purple ribbon. Inside was something wrapped in tissue paper, a note tucked into the top.
Lily,
I thought of you every minute I was working on this. I love you.
M
I set the note aside and removed the layers of swaddling from the gift. What I found inside brought tears to my eyes for the second time.
It was a heart cracking open, lilies of the valley emerging from the fissures. I knew enough about Max and his art to know what he meant and it made my heart feel like it was cracking apart too. I missed him so much I could hardly stand it. But there was nothing I could do. I’d given him a choice and he’d made it. This painting made me think he wasn’t all that happy about it either. Maybe there was still hope on the horizon for us.
“Don’t you want to cover up?” Mom asked as she whizzed past. She had been busily preparing for this party all morning; I’d been chauffeured over by my father and had spent the night so I got to see all of the madness in real time.
“You’ve got the heat on full blast, I’m fine.” In fact, I was a little too warm. I’d been running a little hotter since I gained the little passenger. It made me feel a little less shitty to think of the baby as a passenger and not a parasite, although in the last month I had started to feel that way. It probably had something to do with the fact that I hadn’t seen Max in a month.
Eden took me back to her townhouse after we left the hospital and by the time I got back the next day, all of Max’s things had been cleaned out, including Sylvester. I suspected Hunter was responsible, since Max hadn’t been released until later that night and he wouldn’t be in any shape to be moving all of his stuff that way. I guess he had preferred to keep lying to me, rather than come home. It suited me just fine. I didn’t care one bit that he was gone. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself. Honestly, I was just done with everything. I didn’t want to be pregnant, I didn’t want to be single, I didn’t want to go to work. I just wanted to lie in bed and cry, which I’d done plenty of lately.
“I have something for you.” Avery said, breaking me out of my stupor. She’d somehow produced a large white box. I wasn’t sure if she’d even gotten up. “Consider it the first of many.” I opened it and revealed a beautiful pink velvet jacket. It was one I’d been lusting over for a while; I was impressed that Avery had remembered and bought it for me.
“Not sure it’ll fit anymore.” I shrugged it on, and while I couldn’t button it, it fit perfectly on my shoulders and arms. Looking down at myself, I realized why Mom had wanted me to cover up. I still wasn’t used to these enormous pregnancy breasts I’d suddenly sprouted. I’d been an A-cup all my life and now I was wearing a C-cup. According to every pregnancy book I’d read, and I’d read several, they were only going to get bigger. The jacket helped disguise how exposed they were in this dress.
Before I knew it I was being shooed off the couch and into the armchair by the window to “receive” the guests that weren’t even my guests. Eden was coming and aside from that, none of my friends would be here.
As people began filing in, they basically ignored me after a brief hello and focused their attention on Avery. That was also fine by me; I got to sit in the nice armchair by the window and didn’t have to talk to anybody. Eden showed up fairly early on and took a seat on the carpet by my feet. She’d been so good to me in the last few weeks, her and Hunter both. Hunter would take me to and from work and Eden would give me all the emotional support I needed. I felt bad about making their relationship work around me, but I was so absolutely helpless these days. Hunter had to drag me out of bed a few times because I just wanted to wallow in my own sadness.
I knew Max was staying with him; he’d sold his apartment when he moved into my loft and there wouldn’t have been time for him to find another place so quickly. But I didn’t ask how Max was and he didn’t tell me. I didn’t want to know.
If nothing else, this baby shower got me out of the loft for a while. When the food started being served Eden brought me a plate and a cup of tea. She watched me like a hawk while I ate. She’d make a great mother someday. Hopefully she wouldn’t have me be her surrogate.
I could see now why Max had been so against me carrying the baby. I hadn’t been prepared for the changes it was making to my body, and I wasn’t prepared for the way I’d suddenly become a passive vessel. I’d noticed that Avery didn’t ask how I was anymore; she asked how the baby was and then made an excuse to get off the phone. I wasn’t sure she even knew how she was treating me. Her focus from the beginning had been on this child and that hadn’t changed, even if now she was ignoring the body around the baby.
We didn’t play a lot of the traditional baby games, mostly because they would involve me. In a way, it made sense to me that the focus wouldn’t be on me today. This was Avery’s child, I was just the one incubating it. But no one even spared a glance for me or Eden and that was upsetting to me. Didn’t I matter today too? I was the one who was puking every morning and swelling and hurting. Avery got to sit here with her pretty blonde hair and slim figure and I was the one who looked like they’d swallowed a beach ball and hadn’t slept in three days.
“I need to lie down.” I whispered to Eden, who helped me step out of the room quietly. We headed down the hall to my old bedroom, shutting the door behind us. It felt good to lie down and let my back rest a little, and even better to get out of the loud room.
“What a bunch of fucking bitches.” Eden fumed. “They’re acting like you aren’t even there!”
“I’m not dying over it.” I muttered, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m an incubator, that’s all.”
“You are not some kind of brood mare, you’re a fucking human being.” She flopped down next to me, careful to not jostle me. “This is bullshit.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I especially can’t believe the way Avery is acting.” She turned her head to me look at me. “You wanna bail?”
“Well since I’m not the guest of honor I suppose we could…” I sighed. “If I leave Avery and Mom will never let me hear the end of it.”
“I’ll talk to them then. I’ll say you’re sick and want to go home and we’ll leave.” She had just gotten up to leave when someone knocked on the door.
“Lily? Honey, are you okay?” Mom poked her head into the room.
“No.” I felt my face crinkle up and then I was full blown sobbing into my hands. I don’t know how she did it, but somehow she pulled me (mostly) onto her lap and let me cry into her shoulder like she used to when I was little. I found myself telling her about everything, Max, the pregnancy, Avery. Everything I’d been bottling up and stewing about came spewing out like morning sickness. And oddly enough, by the end of it, I felt a little better, even though my face was red and swollen and I was hiccupping. Eden appeared with a glass of water and a box of tissues.
“I’m so sorry baby. I’m going to have a talk with your sister later.” She brushed a lock of hair out of my eyes. “I think she’s just feeling the fantasy of having a baby on the way and she’s forgetting that you’re her sister.”
“You think so?” I’d always harbored this secret doubt about Avery. We weren’t sisters, not really, and I’d always wondered if deep down she just tolerated me. And now that I was carrying her child it seemed like I was a convenient vessel.
“Avery loves you. You don’t remember when you were both little, but I do. Eden will take you home and I’ll talk to her later, okay?”
“Okay.” I didn’t really want to leave the safety of my mother’s arms, but I knew leaving was for the best.
“Now remember, look as ill as possible as you leave in case one of those vapid bimbos notices you.” I couldn’t help but laugh at my mother’s description of Avery’s friends.
“I’ll do my best.” I leaned on Eden’s shoulder and tried to look as pale and wan as I could. We made it out to her car without anyone calling attention to us and soon we were on the road back to Seattle.
“I have something for you, glad I didn’t bring it inside.” Eden gestured at the gift bag in the back seat.
“Ooh, shoes!” I opened the box and found a pair of adorable blue flats that would go perfectly with a printed skirt I had. Once I was not pregnant I was sure I’d be wearing them non-stop. “Thank you, E.”
“No problem.” She was quiet for a moment. “Max sent something for you too.” I stiffened slightly in my seat and she noticed. “I wouldn’t have brought it but he actually showed up with it before I left this morning and begged me to bring it along. If he’d asked through Hunter I wouldn’t have done it.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t open it.”
“Hopefully it’s not a cat’s head or something.” I knew he wouldn’t, but joking made me feel a little less like I was going to shake right apart. I reached into the backseat and picked up a white box that was tied with a purple ribbon. Inside was something wrapped in tissue paper, a note tucked into the top.
Lily,
I thought of you every minute I was working on this. I love you.
M
I set the note aside and removed the layers of swaddling from the gift. What I found inside brought tears to my eyes for the second time.
It was a heart cracking open, lilies of the valley emerging from the fissures. I knew enough about Max and his art to know what he meant and it made my heart feel like it was cracking apart too. I missed him so much I could hardly stand it. But there was nothing I could do. I’d given him a choice and he’d made it. This painting made me think he wasn’t all that happy about it either. Maybe there was still hope on the horizon for us.
♠ ♠ ♠