Happy Anniversary.

"Your parents packed you a bag so we didn't have to run back to your house. It's in my car. Also, my mom said she would get Mike to school tomorrow if Alex didn't mind me staying with you guys?" Vic explained to Rian, who was my main source of support as we trudged to Vic's car. I was practically laying on him the entire time. My killer hangover and fatigue was the cause of me being unable to walk alone. I think we were both exceptionally glad that Vic managed to swing a parking spot near the entrance of the hospital.
"Yeah, he won't mind. The meds the doc gave him will probably knock him out within the hour, anyhow. We can beat Alex's high score on GTA." With as much care as he could, Rian placed me in the backseat so I could lay down. I still moaned in pain as my head hit the upholstery. "Sorry, bro." He said, the slightest bit of bite in his tone as he moved to sit in the passenger's seat. I knew I deserved it, but it still hurt a lot.
Although Vic was trying his best to make the drive to my house as smooth as possible, any movement of the car was enough to make me nauseous. Any position I tried to make myself comfortable, from laying on my back and taking deep breaths to curling up into the fetal position and panting, would make me feel worse than the last. By the time we were halfway to my house, I had to ask Vic if we could pull over. Almost instantly, he pulled the car to the side of the highway and handed me a plastic bag.
The chilly morning air cooled my sweaty face and made my heaving pants come out in miniature clouds. "Are you sure he shouldn't have stayed at the hospital?" Vic whispered worriedly to Rian. "I know the doctor cleared him and all, but still. Is this normal?" An edge of panic was creeping into his tone.
"I-I don't know." Rian seemed unsure, which was very unlike him. He was the man with a plan, always. Everyone who was his friend would look to him for guidance. "Alex, you alright back there?" He asked after a few seconds of silence. Immediately after he asked, the bile rose in my throat and I was violently sick.
Both boys stayed rigid and quiet upfront as I was sick, which made me feel even worse. They think you're disgusting. They're right; just look at yourself! How do you even live with yourself?
Once I finished, I tied the bag shut and threw it off the highway, not the least bit concerned with 'being green' at the moment. "Drive." I gasped to Vic tiredly, my body practically giving out and laying across the backseat. The rest of the ride was a blur of more nausea and exhaustion that I barely remember.
Relief washed through me as the car stopped and we pulled up in front of my house. "I'll get your bag if you help Alex in." Vic said. In the end, however, it took both of them - one on either side of me - to get me inside and to the couch where I could lay down."You good?" Vic checked. I held up a thumb before curling up on the couch, getting as comfortable as possible. Rian was right; I could already feel myself drifting to sleep.
"Ri...'m tired." I told him sleepily, stretching my joints. "Can I have a blankie?" Blankie?!
Both guys stifled their laughter. "Yes, Alex. I'll get you a 'blankie'." He grinned before running to my room, leaving me and Vic alone in the room. As soon as Rian disappeared, the smile left Vic's face, being replaced with a disappointed frown.
"Look, Vic-"
"Save it, Alex. Do you realize how worried you made everyone? I've never seen Rian cry before, and last night he was bawling when I left him. So was that Jack guy." Every time someone mentioned Jack, I felt my body literally ache with longing. He was right with me, touching me, worrying over me, crying over me.
That's all you're good at: making people feel bad.
"I'm sorry, okay?!" I shouted. Suddenly, I wasn't tired anymore. I was angry. I jumped off the couch in a sudden burst of energy, ignoring my still pounding hangover. "I'm sorry that I made you upset and I'm sorry that I don't really care! I really don't! I made a choice last night, and I knew exactly what I was doing! No, I didn't want you to find me, nor Rian or Jack. I just wanted to go in peace because I don't care anymore! I don't care!" My mind was spinning and I was repeating myself and I probably looked like I was crazy but I couldn't stop myself. I was tired of bottling this up. I couldn't do it anymore. Vic shied back in surprise and fear.
Rian came running downstairs when he heard the shouting, toting my soft blue blanket and a black pillow with him. "What the hell is going on?" He took in my labored breathing and Vic's scared-looking eyes before laying the sleeping items on the couch and walking towards me. "Alex. Deep breaths. Calm down."
"I can't just calm down, Rian!" I was hyperventilating now, tears rushing down my face in small rivers.
"Hey, hey hey hey, just take a seat and breathe." Vic said calmly, guiding me back to the couch. Once I was sitting, he covered me in a blanket and laid me down while my breathing regulated. As my body calmed itself, the medicine also calmed my mind, making it almost impossible for me not to fall asleep. "Just go to sleep. We'll still be here when you wake up." Vic whispered as he watched my eyes droop slowly, slowly, slowly...
~~~~~
I have to tutor someone after school. I forgot. Will u b fine till I get 2 ur house? It will only b an hour. I received Rian's text in fifth period. Mr. Carlile's month-long substitute - we were told he was on some sort of family vacation - sat at his desk, reading over a magazine while the rest of us talked and avoided classwork. Because of the medicine that still hadn't worked its way out of my system, I was out of it the entire school day. If I were asked about what I learned today, I couldn't have given a straight answer. I was ready to go home and take a long nap.
Yeah, I'm gonna sleep. I replied.
Aren't u supposed 2 call ur lover? ;) Shit, I had totally forgotten about that.
Before I could type out a response, the bell signaling the end of the day rang, and I escaped my classroom and ran to my locker as quickly as possible, trying to avoid anyone who would talk to me - aka, Mike, Vic, and Rian. Of course, that didn't work out too well for me when Mike began calling my name throughout the hallway, alerting the crowd and allowing me no way to escape him.
"What do you want?" I sighed, leaning against my locker, unsure my body alone would keep me standing upright. Mike took my exhaustion as annoyance and smirked.
"Just to talk, buddy." He slapped my back - causing me to wince - and led me away from the mob of people rushing to get to their buses on time and also trying to hear a glimpse of whatever we were talking about. Throughout the course of the day, I had been receiving a mix of angry glares and sympathetic pity. Everyone knew about the party, and I had gotten a lot more attention than I ever had before. I even had to leave class a few times to escape the tormenting whispers and taunting laughs I knew were because of me.
We ended up in an empty bathroom. "What? I'm kind of in a rush, Mike."
"You'll leave when I say you can leave, Gaskarth. We need to talk about the party." Anger loomed over his features and had me cowering against a bathroom stall."
"...Yes?" I squeaked.
"I think you know what you did was unacceptable." He started. "You fucking attention seeker. If you're gonna kill yourself, next time, do it when you're alone, and there's no one to stop you. You fucking got me arrested!" He took steps toward me and got in my face. "Don't think that goes without punishment. I'd watch your back if I were you." He grabbed one of my wrists and pulled up the sleeve of my gray, long-sleeved shirt I had been pulling down all day, staring at the stitches. He laughed at them. "You're so pathetic. Next time, make sure you don't fail." He pushed me into the stall before walking out, leaving me alone and trembling in the bathroom.
I took a minute to collect and compose myself before running out of the bathroom. Thankfully, my bus was the last one to leave and hadn't yet disappeared from the parking lot. I got everything I would need for the evening and speedwalked to my bus, too exhausted to walk home or care that I was the oldest person riding my bus.
Twenty minutes later, I was waking through the threshold of my house, dropping my school things and shoes off at the front door and dragging myself to my room. The bus ride home was, for lack of better word, hell. It was so noisy that I could barely hear the music blasting through my headphones over it. The inside of my mind wasn't much quieter.
Mike's right. You stupid attention seeker. You can't do anything right. Why aren't you dead, again? It's not like you really have anything to live for here, anyways. No one cares about you. Rian, Vic, and Jack? They're just pretending. They're probably playing a prank on you because you're so gullible. God, you suck. Just look at yourself! Ugly, messy, fat, fucked up, disgusting, helpless. There's not enough help in this world to ever fix you. You'll just be unlovable like this forever. The words repeated in my head to the point that tears burned in my eyes. Why can't I just be good enough for anything?
I checked my phone as I walked into my room. The only notifications I had were junk mail and from Jack. I ignored the spam and opened up Jack's message.
I'll be waiting for your call whenever you're ready. :)
Okay. Give me 10 minutes.
He doesn't really want to be bothered with you. I reached to the nape of my neck to grab my hair, surprised when I pushed up my beanie was met with none. I had already pulled it all out. This was beginning to get out of hand, but I couldn't seem to stop it. Pulling my hair was the only thing that stopped me from cutting 24/7. What would happen when I ran out of hair?
I was beginning to get desperate for some kind of relief. The words running through my head were becoming to much; I needed to soothe them, even if only for a little.
I turned to my bedside table, grabbing the blade I had laying there. This isn't smart, I told myself as I pulled of my shirt to give full access to my arms.
Don't do this to yourself.
I have to.
You can do it, Alex. Stop.
No, I really can't.
I believe in you.
Please.
I don't know how long it took me to realize the voice trying to talk me out of it had none of my own tone or malice. Instead, the voice I heard was Jack's.
The blade slowly got closer and closer to my skin. The second it touched my abused arm, it tore a large gash into my flesh, ripping at least five stitches.
Please, Alex, stop.
"Shut up!" I yelled into the empty room. I continued to slash into my arm until I began to feel faint. Breathing was becoming slightly harder. Blood was seeping into my comforter. I was going to have to buy a new one before my parents got home, and it was totally ruined with no hope of the stain disappearing. As if that wasn't bad enough, my phone began to play Dammit by Blink-182 - Jack's favorite song - , Jack's ringtone. I answered the phone as I ran to my bathroom, trying to find a towel to help stop the bleeding. "Hello?" I said, my voice an octave higher than normal. Control, Alex; control.
"Alex? You okay?" He asked, sounding a bit worried.
"Yeah!" I answered perhaps a little too cheerily. "I was just about to call you! What's up?"
"I was just starting to get a little concerned. You texted me like, almost an hour ago." I frantically looked at my phone's clock. Rian would be home any minute!
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! I was in the middle of doing something, and I just lost track of time." I said loudly, trying to offset the panic laced in my voice. Finding an old towel, I wrapped it around my arm, hissing in pain. "Fuck!"
"Alex? What's going on? Are you okay? Did something happen?"
"No, no. I'm fine. Just - ah - stubbed my toe."
"...Alex?" He asked hesitantly.
"Yeah?"
"...I...I don't believe you. Can you tell me what really happened?" My eyes grew wide. Was I a really bad liar under pressure, or was he just exceptionally good at reading me?
"Jack..."
"Alex..."
"You don't want to know."
"But I do."
"..."
"..."
"..." The longer we went without speaking, the tenser the air got. Soon, it snapped, and Jack understood exactly why I was so afraid of telling him.
"You didn't."
"I'm so sorry, Jack."
He sighed; it was a tired sound, one full of defeat, one that made me feel the worst I had in a long time. "Are you safe right now?"
"I think so."
"No, do you know you're safe? Like, do you need to go to the hospital?"
I hesitated in answering. I knew I should probably head to the hospital once Rian was home; I could see muscle in some places. However, I couldn't see myself going back there anytime soon. I could figure this out on my own. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Rian'll be home any minute anyways, so I'll survive." I tried to end lightheartedly.
"Not funny, Alex. I can't even explain how much you worried me..."
"I know."
"No, you don't."
"Jack, I know. I was the one who found my brother." I blurted out without thinking. I had never outright admitted that to anyone before.
"...Oh. Well, then you know how much you worried me there! Please don't ever do that to me again. Seriously, Alex. I like you way more than is probably safe in a situation like this. I need you to promise me that you'll talk to me or Rian or Vic the next time you feel that low." My breath caught in my throat. Did he just admit to liking me?
"I-I promise."
"Thank you."
The door downstairs slammed open and I nearly jumped five feet in the air. "ALEXANDER WILLIAM GASKARTH, GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW." Rian's voice yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
"Sorry, Alex. I had to tell him." Jack apologized before I could even say anything. I bit my lip and sighed.
"I understand. I'll talk to you later." I hung up before he could speak again, and ran downstairs begrudgingly, cradling my arm to my chest, terrified of what awaited me at the bottom of the stairway.