Happy Anniversary.

My foot tapping at rocket speed and the acceleration of the car against pavement were the only things I could hear. We were only about half an hour away from my house. I only had another half hour - forty-five minutes, if I was lucky and we hit traffic - of my perfect vacation with Jack. My front teeth dug into the delicate skin of my lips in hopes of stopping the tears aching in my throat and burning my eyes.
The driver's hand calmed my twitching leg, rubbing my knee in soft circles. My hand, out of instinct, grabbed his and curled them together. Jack smiled, eyes still on the road. "Hey. What are you thinking about?"
I sighed shakily. "I just can't believe this is over."
Jack nodded in agreement. "I'll definitely miss cuddling you every night and waking up to your beautiful face."
More like ugly face. "That was my favorite part." I said honestly.
Jack's lighthearted grin turned into a smirk. "I think mine was the night I accidentally spilled your bag."
My face went bright red as memories of that night flooded back to me. He's terrified of having sex with you. You're just a joke to him - you know that. My inner thoughts hissed at me as Rian's "gifts" to me lay in between Jack and me.
He reached out and grabbed the box of condoms and examined them, then did the same with the lube. "You know," He spoke after long moments of silence, "chocolate is my favorite flavor, although I am a little upset that you only got medium-sized condoms." Jack joked, immediately eliminating some of the tension in the room, although my face was still a solid apple red.
"They're Rian's idea of a gift to us." I mumbled, staring at my toes squeezing the carpet.
He laughed loudly. "Damn it, Rian!" I kept my eyes focused on the floor and bit the inside of my cheek, embarrassment still my most prominent emotion. "I swear, I'll have to have a talk with that boy...hey, hey, Alex? What's wrong?" When he realized I wasn't laughing with him, he jumped up and put his arms on my shoulders, waiting for an explanation.
"N-Nothing." I let a small, breathy laugh escape my lips. "Just a little..."
"Embarrassed?" Jack's lips were in a half smile. I nodded. His arms went from my shoulders to the small of my bag as he hugged me. "You don't need to be embarrassed. I don't find many things awkward. You can tell me you have a third eye instead of a bellybutton and I don't know that I'd think twice about it. It's not even your stuff, so there's no need to have that cute little blush on your face." He pinched on of my cheeks and tickled my side, making my heavy emotions fade and a fuzzy warmth invade my thoughts.
"I don't even know how to use a condom, really." I said absently, regretting it just as the words flew from my mouth.
Jack laughed again, kissing me softly. "You'll have to let me show you someday."
"Okay." And I knew I wasn't just saying it. Jack was the only person in the world I'd actually thought about the intimate sides of a relationship with.
Once I'd said that, the room grew warmer and Jack spent the rest of the night experimenting with the lube on me. It was definitely the most pleasurable night of our getaway.
I jabbed at his side. "Shut up!" I groaned.
"I don't know if I should thank Rian or yell at him for pulling that..." Jack replied thoughtfully.
"If we thank him, we'll never hear the end of it."
"True." The conversation naturally ended and Jack turned on the radio to fill the silence. Despite knowing that I only had less than an hour with Jack, I couldn't stop my eyes from drifting closed as I leaned against the cold window and took slow, relaxing breaths.
~~~~~
"Alex, love? We're here." Jack's sad whisper flooded my ear. My eyes slowly opened to meet his own. The cold air from his opened door froze my insides, the multiple jackets I was wearing doing nothing to protect me.
"No, we're not." I fought childishly.
He chuckled. "Yes, we are. Come on, you've gotta get up." He kissed me in hopes of getting me up, and it worked, but not in the way he wanted. Instead of getting out of the car and getting my bags, my sleep-heavy limbs pulled him closer and forced him to kiss me again. I felt him hesitantly bit his lip, deciding whether to give in or not. However, when I pulled him even closer and pressed my body against his, he gave in almost immediately, falling on me and attacking my lips with his own.
"Don't go." I moaned into his mouth softly, even though I knew that wasn't an option.
His mouth disconnected from mine and trailed down my jaw to my neck. "You know I have to."
I grasped his shoulders when he found my sweet spot and nibbled at it. "If you have to go, we should probably stop this before I force you to come in with me." I could feel myself getting turned on to the point of no return.
"Right." He instantly pulled off of me. I laughed at the thought of what we had just looked like, with Jack's legs hanging out his door and our combined moans. "Do you need help carrying anything in?"
"I think I have it all, really."
"Okay..."
"Okay..." We stood behind Jack's car, neither of us wanting to say goodbye.
"So, I'll text you when I get home and we'll figure out when I can see you again?" He asked hopefully.
"Yeah, okay." I nodded quickly, probably resembling a bobble-head. Jack laughed and pulled me in for a hug. I stuck my hands in his jacket pockets and he squeezed me close. I shivered as snow began to fall around us. "You should probably get home before the roads get too bad."
I felt him frown, knowing he should. "You're right. But I don't want to."
I don't either. But he had to get home. I didn't want him on the icy roads, especially when it was beginning to get dark. "Go."
"But you know it'll just stop in five minutes!"
"You still have to go. Clean your house for your family or something. Call me when you're home so I know you're safe."
He sighed in defeat. "Okay." I let him kiss me one more time before I hustled inside so I couldn't change my mind on letting him stay.
~~~~~
My teeth were chattering as I dropped my bags at the front door and headed to the kitchen. Hot chocolate sounded so good right now.
Don't even think about it. Don't you remember how much fat is in hot chocolate? You'll be even more disgusting if you drink that shit. Over the vacation, my always-critical conscience was quiet. I could block it out when I wanted to. Now, however, it was back and louder than ever. To please it, I put water on the stove to boil but got out a tea bag instead of the chocolatey mix.
While waiting, I took my bags upstairs and began to unpack. Taking out all my dirty clothes, I looked at the size medium tags and threw them one by one in the laundry. You make those clothes look gross. You stretch them out and they look horrible on you. Why aren't you a small yet? Oh, that's right. You're a failure. Hideous, fat, disgusting. Why don't you just kill yourself?
My hands were beginning to shake. The words saturated my brain and left me no chance of even trying to ignore it. I couldn't think of anything except the blade I'd hidden in my dresser and how good it would feel right now, especially after being without it for almost a week. Just do it already! No one cares about you. Cut yourself, like the pathetic little bitch you are.
I thought about Jack's words; how he told me he worried about me all the time. Lies. He doesn't want your blood on his hands, so he told you want you wanted to hear.
Tears were flowing out of my eyes and the piercing sound of the tea kettle whistling threw me to the ground. I was falling apart. I needed someone. I needed him.
But he needed to be safe. It was snowing outside when he left, and I didn't want him getting in an accident because I was too weak to be alone.
Maybe it's not even snowing anymore. Remember how he said it would probably stop soon? I decided if it wasn't snowing outside, I would call him.
On trembling knees, I looked outside my window, seconds later grabbing my phone and dialing his number as fast as possible with blurry eyes and frozen fingers.
"Alex? Did you forget something?" He asked.
I shook my head, even though he couldn't see. "C-Can you c-come b-back? I n-need you." I blubbered, beyond caring how I sounded.
I heard the squeal of his tires as they came to a halt. "I'm on my way now. What's going on?"
"I don't-t know. I'm j-j-just...being attacked." I finished weakly.
"Attacked?! Do I need to call 911?"
"No, no. Not like t-that. Can I tell you when you get here?"
"Yeah, yeah. Stay on the line with me, though, okay? You're kind of terrifying me right now." He's scared of you. He doesn't want to actually be with you, see?
"O-Okay." A whine fought its way from my mouth.
"Alex? Take some deep breaths with me, okay? Just keep it together until I get there. I'm five minutes away, I swear."
Five minutes is enough to kill yourself. You already know you're broken beyond repair. Nothing he does will save you, you know that.
"Hurry." I whimpered.
"I'm going as fast as I can, babe."
"I know. I'm s-s-sorry."
"There's nothing to apologize for."
"But I'm just a waste of your t-time."
"Alexander Gaskarth! Don't say that! You're my favorite way to spend my time." He was nearly yelling. "What happened between when I dropped you off and now to make you feel this bad?"
"I was alone..." I whispered.
Jack stayed silent on the line for a long time - enough time to make my brain start whirling again. He's seeing what a burden you really are now. He doesn't want you. "I'm coming down the street now, okay baby? Is the door unlocked?"
"I think so. I'm in the first room you come to when you go upstairs." In minutes I heard him clomping through my house, his steps getting faster and closer to me as time went on.
He burst into my room and before I could even attempt to offer any explanation I was in his arms as he sushed me. That was all it took for me to really lose it. "You're okay; I've got you, love." He whispered as I sobbed hysterically.
"Why do I hate myself so much? What did I do that's so horrible?" I shouted.
"I don't know," Was Jack's soft reply. "Sometimes you do everything perfectly, and the end product still turns out wrong." This just made me cry harder for some reason. I clutched Jack's already soaking shirt and shook in his arms.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm so messed up." He must have known there was no use trying to talk sense into me at the moment, because he simply stayed quiet and held me closer.
"Alex? Jack?" A voice yelled downstairs. I froze. The voice sounded somewhat familiar, but I couldn't place it.
"Where are you guys?" A second voice asked. That one, I placed as Vic's. It had the odd deep yet feminine voice that could only belong to him.
"We're in Alex's room!" One of Jack's hands rubbed my back. "I was freaking out, so I sent Rian a text. Looks like he brought Vic with him. They probably know how to calm you down better than me." I wanted to tell him no, that he had gotten closer to me than I had ever let anyone, but my throat was dry and quiet as I watched three people walk into my room: Rian, Vic, and Mike. Once again, I buried my face in Jack's chest, as if by doing that Mike wouldn't know I was there, even though we were in my room.
Jack stiffened just as I did when he saw Mike. An eternity ago, when we laid side by side in our hotel bed, we talked about school. More accurately, I talked about how Mike bullied me while Jack seethed in anger.
His hold on me got tighter. "Why is he here?" I could tell Jack was trying as hard as he could to keep the venom from seeping through his tone as he gestured to Mike, but the words still came out aggressively.
"We were going out to dinner when Rian got your text. I didn't have any time to drop him off." Vic said, looking confused as to why Jack reacted that way to seeing him.
"Right, right. Can you give me like five minutes alone with Alex?" I didn't see his face, but whatever it looked like was enough to get them out of the room with no questions asked.
"Don't make him come back in here." I whimpered. I already knew that what little he saw would be shoved in my face when he saw me again.
"Do you want me to tell Vic?"
"No!" I almost shouted. "You know that'll just make things worse for me."
"Then I have to." Jack explained sadly. "I think you should let me tell him, though."
"Please don't." I looked him in the eyes. We stared one another down until Jack finally gave in.
"Okay, okay. I won't tell him until you're ready. Oh! I have a question for you, though." His whole demeanor was changing. He was returning back to the bubbly, un-serious Jack that I knew. The smile on his face was contagious, and I knew it was reflected on my own tear-stained face.
"Yes...?"
"Well, I never felt it was the right time to ask you while we were together this week, but I guess now is as good a time as ever." He watched my face as I followed him, looking for my reaction.
"Continue." I pushed, wanting to know the question already.
"Well, don't freak out if you don't want to. If you don't, then we'll just totally forget this ever happened, alright?"
"I kind of need to know the question before I answer that."
"Oh, right. Well..."
"Well..."
"Doyouwanttobemyboyfriend?"
"Slowly, Jack."
"Do. You. Want. To. Be. My. Boyfriend?" He whispered. "Please?"
"What was that? I didn't quite hear it." My heart was pounding in my chest, and I found myself wanting to tease him with the answer just as he did to me.
He huffed, his breath flopping his fringe. "Alexander William Gaskarth, would you do the honor of being my boyfriend?"
"Hmmm..." I pretended I was thinking. "I dunno. I guess so."
"You...guess? I don't want to force you into it or anything; you're totally open to say no..."
I laughed, kissing him to shut him up. "Of course I want to, Jack."
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. That might have been really awkward if you hadn't."
"I agree."
Jack kissed me deeply before moving his mouth to my ear. "Twenty bucks says Vic and Rian have their ears pressed to the door.
"I'm not betting against that." I wiped the tears off my face, feeling a lot better than when Jack had first gotten here. I still felt pretty low, but I couldn't not be a little happy after Jack's question.
Quietly, he got off my bed and walked to the door. When he jerked it open, the two fell to the ground, embarrassment written all over their faces. Jack and Mike dissolved into laughter. Jack yelled "I knew it!" at the same time Mike yelled "I told you so!"
While everyone composed themselves, my phone went off and I received a text from my mom. Flight is delayed. Blizzard. Won't be home for at least three days.
Looking out my window again, I saw the snow had picked up once again. "Hey guys, my parents are snowed in at the airport." I couldn't help but be enormously relieved, as I was not looking forward to my punishment.
Vic looked around me and his eyes widened. "Shit. Mikey, we should probably get home. Alex, you okay if we leave?"
"Yeah. Thanks for coming over though." I said sheepishly. Even though I didn't want him over in the first place, I had decided to play nice.
Rian frowned as he saw outside. "You mind if I crash here? I don't want to make Vic drive to the other side of town in this weather. It's not safe."
"Yeah. You and Jack should both stay here. I don't want you guys getting hurt."
"Thanks, Alex." Vic said, obviously worried about getting home safely as he shuffled towards the door. "Oh, and congrats on your boyfriend!" Vic winked as he disappeared into the cold, Mike following not too far behind with a smirk glued to his face. My stomach dropped.
The second the door closed behind them, the lights flickered off. I groaned loudly and Jack's arms snaked around me. Tonight was going to be a long night.