Happy Anniversary.

Once the two had finished poking fun at me, they returned to their meals. Twice, Austin tried to make me eat, but in all honesty, I did feel sick - not that I would have eaten the greasy fast food if I hadn't.
They finished about ten minutes later, and while Alan was none the wiser, Austin gave me a look that showed...disappointment. I felt my chest sink. Always letting someone down, Gaskarth. Once again, well done. "You ready to go home?" He asked me. I nodded eagerly, excited to see Jack face to face. It was a full-blown schoolgirl crush I had for him, and I couldn't help but hope he felt the same thrilled nervousness that drove itself through my veins.
Of course he isn't nervous to see you; that would imply that he cares about you.
Alan's skinny arms wrapped around my frame. "See you tomorrow, Alex!" Then, much quieter, in a whisper only I could hear, "Thank you for not telling anyone. You'll get through whatever's happening right now. I believe in you." Pulling away before I could reply, Austin came up behind us, keys jingling in his hand. Alan made his way to Austin's side, giving him a chaste kiss on his cheek. "I'll be waiting for your payment when you get back...sir." He told Austin cheekily before bounding up the stairs, laughing at the awkwardness he had caused his lover.
"R-Right, well, let's get moving, 'kay?" He stuttered, face flushing. I held back my own laughter and followed him outside, grabbing my bag from where it sat right beside the front door.
In the street lit roads, snowflakes raced one another silently to the ground. The only sound within miles was the muted crunching of Austin's boots and my Vans - which I was now realizing was probably a bad choice - through the already laid snow. I was shivering by the time I reached Austin's old, beat up Impala, although it was only about twenty feet away from the front door. As soon as the car was turned on, I was blasting the heat, not caring that it wasn't my car. "Sorry, I'm freezing." I apologized.
"Maybe if you took care of your body, you wouldn't be so cold." He whispered apologetically. I didn't respond, having nothing to say. I knew he was right, but somehow, I couldn't really find it inside to care too much. Instead, I let him continue, his voice rising as he spoke. "Alex, you're so skinny. I bet you don't weigh 110 soaking wet. You're killing yourself. I know you see it. I see it, Alan sees it; hell, I bet your parents see it, as often as they're not home!" I bit my lip, puncturing the delicate skin to keep from crying. He was right; he was so absolutely right.
It doesn't matter if he's right. At least if you die this way, you'll die skinny.
Keeping his eyes on the road, as if he couldn't bare to look at me, he laid a hand on my knee. "This isn't want Tom would want, and you know it. He'd want you to be happy." Austin knew Tom; he counseled him for awhile, even. He was probably one of the most effected people outside my family by his suicide.
Still, I said it. I was angry and hurt and frustrated, so I said it. "Well, he's not here, is he? No, he's fucking dead and there's nothing any of us can do about that! I hate him for it, you know that? I really do. Why the hell wasn't I good enough for him to stay? Oh, wait, I'm not good enough for anyone, which is why you should just let me die." I laughed, tears rushing down my face. I was hysterical, I knew it. I should be going to some asylum, where I can get locked up and waste away for the rest of my pathetic life.
At least we're on the same page, here.
Austin's lips pressed into a thin, hard line. He removed his hand from my legs a focused on driving, effectively silencing the rest of the drive to my house. I realized I was the guilty party in this case - I had broken that god-awful unspoken rule where you just don't talk bad about the deceased. At the moment, however, I didn't care. I didn't want to apologize, because it was the truth that I so desperately needed to say.
As soon as the car came to a stop in front of my house, Austin's eyes were hard on me. "Get the fuck out of my car, now." Right. I guess I wouldn't be talking to him anytime soon. Not that I really blamed him for wanting to avoid me after what I just said.
How can you even live with yourself? Saying all of that about your one and only dead brother. I'm ashamed.
I ran into my house, desperate to find warmth in the place I called home. Throwing my bag down, I took the stairs two at a time, racing to my room.
I got my computer on in record time, texting Jack as soon as I pressed the power button. Ten minutes?
Alright!
While the lousy, old dinosaur I called my computer warmed up properly, I ran to the bathroom. I wasn't one to care about my appearance much, but what can I say? I couldn't help it when it came to Jack.
Slow down, Gaskarth. You've only known him a day.
I groaned when the bathroom light flickered on, highlighting the red, splotchy marks on my face from crying and my out of control hair.
Splashing cold water on my face and hoping the lighting in my room was worse than this, I grabbed a black beanie and threw it over my bleached-blond mess, tucking under as many haywire strands as I could. In the end, I had to say that for a kid who spent most of his day crying and sulking, I didn't look half bad.
Running back to my room, I opened up Skype and signed in. 1 notification.
Barakat-jagk wants to be your friend! I accepted it and almost immediately after a call request was flashing across my screen. Fixing my hair one final time and positioning my webcam and just the right spot, I clicked accept.
None of his pictures did him justice. He was smiling at something off screen, and I couldn't help but smile back and wish I knew what he was looking at, wish I knew what made him laugh, what made him tick. "H-Hey." I started, and his attention focused on me. His dark brown eyes made my heart drop.
"Alex. I'm glad you're oka- May! Get out of here!" He jumped out of the screen, and I heard the giggling of a little girl. "Stay out of my room!" The door slammed shut and locked before Jack strutted back into the frame. "Sorry. Little sisters, what are you gonna do with them?" He shrugged and laughed. "But, anyways. You're good now?"
I shrugged. Did I really want to tell him this stuff? "I'm okay. What about you?"
"Same old, same old. Annoying siblings, too much homework, the usual."
I scoffed. "Ain't that the truth."
Jack stayed silent for a minute, smile fading as he staring intently at me. I fidgeted with my beanie in discomfort. "You've been crying." He said finally. "Why?" When I didn't respond, he did for me. "Is it because of your brother?"
I took a shaky breath. "Kind of."
"Where were you after school?" Once again, I bit my lip, worsening the wound I put there earlier. "Alex. Where were you? You can tell me."
"Don't think it's weird or anything..."
"As long as you weren't taking pot, I think I can deal." I laughed, and he smiled at me.
"I kind of...had some problems at school, so I went to my teacher Mr. Carlile's place for awhile."
His face lit up. "Oh, you go to Clairemont High? No way, I go to Jackson! Carlile is really popular over here too." Jackson was the bigger school in our district, the one Kellin attended. Mr. Carlile was a tutor over there, and sometimes he helped clean up their oversized library.
"I knew you lived close, but I didn't think you lived that close!"
"Yeah, we'll have to meet up soon!" Jack grinned, and I agreed with him.
We talked for the next hour or so, and eventually came up with a plan. We would meet up over Thanksgiving break. My parents went back to England, my home country, every year to celebrate with our family, but they let me stay, as there was simply too many memories of my brother there. Jack's family, also not native of Baltimore, went back to their home country of Lebanon, but he had been planning on staying home anyways because of school assignments and possible Black Friday shopping. We would combine money to spend the weekend at the beach. Even though it would be freezing cold, Jack assured me that we would find fun in the hotel and city around it. Warning flags were going off in my brain, telling me this may have been moving too fast, but I told myself that I had spent my entire life being "safe" and "cautious", and this was my chance to be reckless for the first time in my life.
Also, there was no way in hell I was passing up my opportunity to spend a weekend in a hotel room with this attractive specimen.
"We should make this thing a regular occurrence, yes?" Jack asked me when he realized I could barely keep my eyes open.
"Absolutely. I should actually be home on time tomorrow." I told him, to which he responded with that infectious smile of his.
"Great, I'll talk to you then!" It took us forever to sign off, as neither of us wanted to be the first to go. After about five minutes of awkward staring, Jack laughed. "Okay, actually going to bed now."
"Night." I nearly swooned as he disconnected. I jumped up from my chair and collapsed into my bed, all smiles. I literally could not move the upturned corners of my mouth into any other position. It's like Jack's happiness was eating the depression that lived inside me. I couldn't feel it anymore.
My phone went off minutes later with another text from Jack. I forgot to tell you to have sweet dreams, beautiful. :)
If humans could really float, this would be as close as I would ever get.
~~~~~
Halloween was a big deal in Baltimore. Everyone participated, and this was the time of year when the craziest parties happened. This year, the major party was being held by Oli and his boyfriend Josh. I could never remember their last names, I only knew that they were known as some of the best partiers in the town. Which meant that there would be plenty of alcohol and drugs.
I heard about it before third period, but that didn't stop Rian from running into our art class and yelling from the other side of the room, "You're coming to this party, Gaskarth!"
"I was planning on it." I replied about ten decibels quieter once he reached me, trying to turn the attention of the classroom away from us. "Oli's throwing it; and have I ever missed one of his parties?" Parties were one of the only places I could drink myself into oblivion without it being frowned upon. Everyone else was doing it too, so no one's attention would be on me, either. Rian would probably be too busy making out with his girlfriend, Cassadee to worry about my alcohol intake, which was just the way I liked it. Vic and Rian would be the only two who ever worried about me - those two also being notoriously known as the only ones not to get totally smashed at these types of things, making them the "responsible ones" - , and since Vic and I weren't talking, I had nothing to worry about. I was going to get absolutely shitfaced at that party.
Speaking of the devil - or rather thinking - , Vic ran into the classroom, fixing his hat and taking a seat near the front of the class instead of his usual one in the back next to Rian and me. I breathed a sigh of relief that I wouldn't have to talk to him this period, or if I had anything to say about it, the rest of the day. "You know he's actually pretty sorry for yesterday?" Rian whispered as the bell rang. He must have noticed my loathing glare towards the Mexican's snapback.
"Did he fucking tell you?" I seethed. if he told anyone, even Rian, I was going to kill him.
"Not all of it, just that he knows he overstepped his boundaries and it won't happen again." He replied before, like the studious person he was, leaning over his desk and beginning to take the notes I would probably steal from him later. That was the thing I loved about Rian - he knew when not to pry about things that weren't any of his business.
Leaning back in my seat, I discreetly pulled out my phone and spent the rest of the period texting Jack, ignoring the polite, yet prying looks I got from Rian.
Not your business, man.