Letters to You
July 11th, 2014
I found myself thinking of you again, today. And I couldn’t help but wonder if you ever think of me, at all? Even if it’s just once, when you see my name on your Facebook newsfeed or just at random moments. I wonder if you ever ask yourself how I’m doing or if I still think of you.
I would give so much to understand how your brain works, if it’s anything remotely close to mine… because mine won’t let you go, not for a long time at least.
It’s come to the point where I’m proud of myself for not thinking about you for a couple of days… and it’s not like I miss you all the time, it hits me in periods. I can go months without even thinking about you, but whenever someone mentions his or her significant other or anything like that – I find you slowly creeping your way back into my brain and then I’m stuck with you on my mind for weeks again.
I like to tell myself that I don’t miss you… just what you were to me. A safe place, a second home, an extended family. But now I’ve given up on that thought and I now realise that if that was what I missed, I could’ve found it in plenty of other people by now… I’ve had the options right in front of me, but they never managed to live up to the expectations I set since you left.
They’re just not you… but I’m not sure if I want another you… how is that healthy? Fuck, it’s just you… it was you and maybe it will always be you… but what if it’s not? And I’m forever stuck on this idea of you? Will it ever go away?
People say that your first love never really goes away and I guess that you were my first love in that sense… I accidentally wrote ‘true’ love instead of first, ha, Freud…
I really wish you would’ve taken the image of you with you, that night you walked away from me… then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t find myself wondering about these long overdue ‘what if’s’.
I would give so much to understand how your brain works, if it’s anything remotely close to mine… because mine won’t let you go, not for a long time at least.
It’s come to the point where I’m proud of myself for not thinking about you for a couple of days… and it’s not like I miss you all the time, it hits me in periods. I can go months without even thinking about you, but whenever someone mentions his or her significant other or anything like that – I find you slowly creeping your way back into my brain and then I’m stuck with you on my mind for weeks again.
I like to tell myself that I don’t miss you… just what you were to me. A safe place, a second home, an extended family. But now I’ve given up on that thought and I now realise that if that was what I missed, I could’ve found it in plenty of other people by now… I’ve had the options right in front of me, but they never managed to live up to the expectations I set since you left.
They’re just not you… but I’m not sure if I want another you… how is that healthy? Fuck, it’s just you… it was you and maybe it will always be you… but what if it’s not? And I’m forever stuck on this idea of you? Will it ever go away?
People say that your first love never really goes away and I guess that you were my first love in that sense… I accidentally wrote ‘true’ love instead of first, ha, Freud…
I really wish you would’ve taken the image of you with you, that night you walked away from me… then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t find myself wondering about these long overdue ‘what if’s’.