Letters to You

July 24th, 2014

Happy 24th birthday, B. I've been thinking of you today, and how much I miss you... and how much I hate having to wonder if you're still thinking of me.

I felt that same fear again today, the one I'm slowly getting used to by now, that one fear that always brings a flood of memories with it... the fear that I'll never be able to fall out of love with you. I was always afraid of commitment and love, and of course feet... but the only reason I was ever afraid of those things is because if I commit to someone, they might leave me... and I don't know what I'd do if someone I loved left me? Because loving someone means being vulnerable, and that means hurting at some point.

I knew things with you were too good to be true, but somehow you made me feel whole. As if all your good qualities made up for my bad ones, although most of our good and bad qualities were the same. We were so much alike that it felt perfect.

Every week, I longed to be in your arms... to feel you against me when I woke up the morning. But it's been about a year and three months since that happened and it's been about ten months since we last kissed... damn it, I can't forget you... and I've tried so hard, but somehow you're always with me and the memories of what we had follow me around.

And it hurts... it hurts to remember you, because then I remember what we lost... and I don't know if I'll ever find that again, because it's not like I haven't tried... and I know you've tried as well? But doesn't it mean something that neither of us can find some kind of stability with different people?

Fuck, I know you don't want a relationship... but I'm not like that either, yet we made whatever it was last for almost a year...

And now... almost two years after it started, nearly one year after it ended... I find myself wondering if things would've been different, had I said 'I love you'.