Letters to You

It’s not a break up because we never really dated. We never put a title to whatever it was we had. We just parted ways and are both trying our hardest not to look back.

I would’ve been able to deal with this better had it not felt like a break up. But the way you look at me from a distance, the way you keep trying to grasp my attention just to push me away again… all the small, childish plays that are becoming a part of the bigger game we’ve been playing for a year make this whole situation so much worse.

It’s insane to think that one year ago I hardly knew you and I didn’t have much interest in getting to know you any better, but you sure wanted to get in contact with me as much as possible… I can’t say I didn’t enjoy the attention you gave me back then.

Some people would say ‘if I had known things would turn out this way, I wouldn’t have done it’, but that’d imply that I consider you to be a mistake – which you are not. You were a learning experience for me, you opened my eyes to a world where it is okay to trust people. Whether you want to believe it or not, you’ve changed me for the better and I will always look back on what we had with a smile.

I’m sorry for how things ended between us. I wanted it to be more than two intoxicated souls, drunkenly entwined tongues and a lot of anger. I wish we could think back to the days where we sat on your bed talking about our lives, our hopes and our fears and remember that as our last memory… because I’m not proud of the way we left things off.

I like to think that our timing was just off… and that maybe we both said the wrong things at the wrong time but I find it hard to believe that your heart was never in it. There’s so many things left unsaid between us, words that I wish I could say out loud to you… but you keep blocking me off, you refuse to listen to what I have to say because you can’t stand the confrontation.

Maybe you were just as afraid of me, as I am of you. Maybe I push the same buttons… but as much as we’re alike, we react to certain things differently. You taught me how to react to someone reaching out to me, but I couldn’t teach you the same thing.

I hope that when you remember me, you can remember the good times we had… and even though we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, I hope that I did change something for you. I hope that I earned a special place in your heart, because you did within mine and I’ll always cherish those nights. I’ll carry the memories with me as what they are: days left behind.

This isn’t a break up… but your stare makes it feel that way. How can you pretend your heart was never in it when it lasted for so long? How can you pretend you don’t care but stare at me from a distance?

I wonder how you’ll react when I kiss somebody else, when I hug somebody else and all you can do is watch from afar… how will you react when I give my heart to someone else? After all, you didn’t want it… it was too heavy for you, too much baggage.

Don’t you dare come back again when someone else is willing to help me carry that baggage around.

I decided that I could no longer hurt for you. I had to separate my feelings for you from reality because it was the only way I’d be able to smile again. So now I walk around flirting, smiling, hugging and laughing… but deep down inside my heart is still aching. You can still mend it and I know that you know how… just make a move, show me it’s worth it… if not, I’ll be gone.

Our timing was off – let’s leave it at that… but just know that the clock keeps ticking and it might be off again when you think it’s right.