The Anarchist's Heart

I had a terrible dream.

In my dream, I was back in my kitchen that night with Jax. He was kissing my throat and my cheeks were wet from tears. But instead of stopping him, stopping us, I allowed it to continue. I allowed him to keep kissing me. I allowed him to carry me upstairs. I allowed him to make me vulnerable and he allowed me to do the same. Even though it was a dream I could still smell that familiar scent I’d grown up with: leather, cigarette smoke, and an undertone of his cologne. It seemed so real.

In my dream, he told me I was everything he was looking for and everything he’d ever need. He said I was perfect for him just the way I was. I smiled at that. I got out of bed to grab my silk kimono off of the mirror it was hanging on. But when I pulled it off to reveal my reflection my breath caught in my throat and I froze. It wasn’t my face looking back at me. It wasn’t my hair, my eyes, my mouth, my nose, or my body. It wasn’t me. It was Gemma.

I screamed, stumbling back and turning around in hysteria. Jax was no longer on the bed. Instead it was Alex, looking at me with a cool expression on his face. He didn’t move to grab me, he didn’t speak; he just sat there looking at me. And I just kept screaming.

When I awoke I was drenched in sweat and alone in the bed. The sun was up and I caught the smell of bacon and eggs drifting up to me from the kitchen. On unsteady legs, I walked to the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water. It was only a dream, I told myself. It’s not real. But it had felt so real, and that’s what troubled me. Despite how incredibly real it seemed, I hadn’t felt guilt at any point throughout it. Dreams had made me feel sad while I was having them before, even happy, so why couldn’t one make me feel guilty? Out of all my dreams that one should’ve made me feel like shit the most, but it hadn’t.

I tried to shake it off and ignore it as I made my way downstairs. If I showed any sign of worry or fear on my face, Alex would notice immediately and question me about it. I was sure he wouldn’t just let the excuse “it was just a nightmare” slide, either. He’d want to know what happened in the nightmare, who was there, and why it scared me so bad. I didn’t feel like I could whip up a scary story that early in the morning either, so I did my best to pretend like it had never happened.

Alex was in the kitchen, listening to quiet music over the radio and taking eggs out of the pan to put onto two English muffins. He looked over at me when a floorboard under my left foot squeaked and he smiled.

“Hey, I was just about to come up and get you,” he said. “I made us breakfast.”

“My favourite,” I smiled softly, gesturing towards the egg over English muffins. That was Alex’s specialty when it came to breakfast food and over the years we’d been together I’d fallen in love with it.

“You bet,” he replied. “I was going to make Canadian bacon with it, but it looks like we’re all out. Regular bacon will have to do.”

“I’m not complaining,” I consoled him, stealing a piece of cooled bacon off of the plate and nibbling on it. Around a bite I mumbled, “I’ll set the table.”

“Thank you, my love.”

I took the two plates, glasses and forks over to the table, along with some napkins and a carton of orange juice for Alex. I poured myself a cup of coffee and let it warm my hands. When we sat down at the table to eat, I gave him a smile.

“Thank you for this,” I said. “You didn’t have to do it. I would’ve been fine with our usual bowl of cereal, too.”

“I know, but I figured since I’ve been working so much and I finally got a day off where I could make something for you, I’d do it. I hope you like it.” He answered.

“I love it.”

We sat in peace and ate our breakfast, listening to The Strokes playing softly over the radio. I hardly thought of my dream at all. I just focused on being content with my fiancée and watching the steam rise from my coffee cup and soak up the early morning sunlight.

After we’d cleaned up breakfast we migrated to the living room and put on COPS reruns. Felix was curled up in my lap most of the time, until he suddenly perked his head up towards the window and leaped down, trading my lap for the top of the couch by the door so he could look out the window. He was an odd cat.

When the next commercial break came on I got up and went to refill my mug with coffee. As I was in the kitchen I thought I heard tires outside in the driveway. I looked back at Alex.

“Is someone here?” I asked.

He shrugged and moved over to the window where Felix was hissing fiercely.

“Who’s this?” I heard Alex mutter.

There were three knocks on the door before Alex opened it. I couldn’t see who it was at first because he’d only opened the door a little bit. But as soon as I heard that voice, my entire body went cold.

“Can I help you?” Alex asked.

“I think so,” came the responding drawl. “My name is Gemma Teller from Teller-Morrow.”

I wanted to run into the room and slam the door and lock it, but I couldn’t move. A million thoughts were racing through my head but I couldn’t make out any of them. My heart was racing.

“Oh, hello,” Alex replied, a little uncertainly. “Is this about my car? Because you guys did a great job when I brought it in.”

“Good to know, but this isn’t about that,” Gemma replied. I could hear the snarky smile in her voice. “This is about something a little more…personal.”

“Alex…” I finally managed to croak out. “Alex, shut the door…”

Gemma peaked around Alex’s shoulder and he opened the door a little wider. She gave me a wicked grin.

“Oh good, you are here,” she said.

“Alex…”

He had a look of confusion on his face. He didn’t know what to do. Why wouldn’t he just listen to me?

“What is going on?” he asked.

“Listen, sweetheart. I don’t know how to break this to you. You know my son, Jackson, don’t you?”

“I…I’ve heard about him, never really met him,” Alex answered. “Why…?”

“Lord knows you haven’t heard enough, kid,” Gemma said. “I suppose your girl back there told you he was her ‘friend’?”

I was panicking. My breath was coming in ragged, raspy bursts and my eyes burned with tears. This was not happening. What was she doing? She just had to ruin my life, even after all these years…

“A-Alex, please…” I begged. I still hadn’t moved. Why couldn’t I move?

“I—yeah, she did…look, I don’t understand what—”

“They were more, so much more. What they had, well, it doesn’t die out after time apart. Now, I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this. I have a little bit of information you might be interested in. Wanna hear it?”

That got me moving. I knew what she was going to tell him, and I couldn’t let it happen. It’d destroy him and it’d ruin me. I refused to give her what she wanted. I grabbed Alex’s arm, pleading for him to close the door. He shook me off and didn’t look at me, keeping his eyes locked on Gemma.

“What is it?” he asked in a quiet voice.

“The second you left, your fiancée reignited the flame she once had with my son. She wasted no time. She doesn’t love you.”

“Alex, don’t listen to her, it’s not true, I swear—”

He held up a hand to silence me and I was stunned. How was he listening to her over me? She was but a stranger to him and I knew exactly who she was! It wasn’t fair and Gemma knew it was driving me mad. She gave me that sly look, the one that just says “I’ve got you now”.

“Elizabeth wouldn’t cheat on me,” Alex said quietly. “She loves me.”

“Does she? Because she could’ve fooled me.” Gemma replied.

“No, you’re wrong,” Alex argued.

I felt a little more hope for the situation. I knew Alex wouldn’t believe her over me.

“I feel sorry for you, you know,” Gemma sighed. “You weren’t there all those years ago. You don’t know just how deep her feelings are for my son. If she really, truly loved you, why would she have sex with someone else? If you ask me, you mean little more than dirt to her now that she’s back in Charming.”

“She’s lying,” I urged. I could hardly believe what she was saying, and yet I expected it all. “I never had sex—”

“I think you need to go now,” Alex interrupted. “Thank you for coming by.”

He shut the door in Gemma’s snide face and I let out a shaky breath.

“Thank you,” I whispered. “I knew you wouldn’t believe her. You know I’m not a liar. I would never have sex with someone else behind your back. I’d never, ever cheat on you…”

Alex slowly turned away from the door and lifted confused eyes to my face. I watched in fear as that confusion slowly washed away and was replaced with a haunting knowledge. He shook his head, stunned.

“But you did, didn’t you?” he said quietly.

“W-what?” I stammered. “N-no, Alex, no, I didn’t…”

“I knew something was wrong,” he said. “When I came back from that conference, I knew. You were distant. You didn’t want to talk about anything involving this town, more so than before. You don’t have as strong of a poker face as you think, Lizzie. I knew you were keeping something from me.”

I shook my head, taking a few steps back. No, he couldn’t believe Gemma…that had been my secret. It should’ve been my choice who knew about it. But it was Jax’s fault, it had to be. He told his mother. He told her because he knew she’d do something about it. He wanted Alex to hate me. He wanted him to leave me. This was his revenge.

“Did you do it, Lizzie?” he asked, deathly quiet. Goosebumps rose on my arms. “Did you have sex with him?”

“No!” I exclaimed. “Alex, you don’t understand. Gemma, she hates me. She only told you that to try and ruin my life; our life.”

“You’re lying,” he said, his face twitching into anger and disgust. Tears glimmered in the corners of his eyes. “Stop lying to me. What did you do?”

I struggled with my words, and that was all it took. He shoved past me and grabbed his car keys off of the kitchen counter.

“Alex! Hey! Jesus—Alexander! Where are you going?” I demanded, chasing after him. I grabbed his arm just as he was opening the door to the garage and he whirled around on me.

“I’m going to slam the door on your past and lock it. I’m going to find the piece of shit that you couldn’t say no to, and I’m going to say no for you.” He growled.

Before I could do anything he slammed the garage door, nearly catching my fingers in it, and a few seconds later I heard the engine of his car start. It wasn’t until I heard his tires squealing on the street out front that I got into my car to chase after him. I knew where he was going and I needed to beat him there. Somehow, I needed to stop him. I kept tapping my fingers on my hipbone as I drove, scanning the streets for any sign of him just in case. He was going to fight Jax. I didn’t know why, but I needed to stop both of them.

I pulled up behind his car at Teller-Morrow. It was parked around back, about thirty feet from the shop and clubhouse.

“Alex? Alex!” I yelled, running to his car hoping to find him still in the driver’s seat. But he wasn’t there and his glove box was hanging open. Fear chilled the blood in my veins. He kept a handgun in the glove box from when we lived in a bad area of a bigger city. He wasn’t going to just fight Jax, he was going to try and kill him.

I yelled his name as I ran towards the clubhouse. Pain was shooting up my legs as my feet slammed against the hard pavement again and again. I was almost there when I heard the click of a gun right behind me. I froze, skidding. My heart was beating so hard in my chest I thought I was going to faint.

“Put your hand on that doorknob and I’ll take you out, bitch.”

Very slowly I turned around to look Gemma in the eyes. My hands clenched into fists. This was her fault; her and Jax.

“You just couldn’t leave me alone, could you?” I asked coldly. “You had to get your revenge on me, for something I didn’t do to you. Jax was willing to let it go, why weren’t you? Now look what you’ve done.”

“So maybe I wasn’t planning on the kamikaze to come down here, but at least I confessed it for you. I took some guilt off your shoulders, you should be thanking me. That poor man was going to marry a lying, cheating slut and he didn’t even know it.”

“But you lied,” I snarled. “I never slept with Jackson.”

“Minor details,” Gemma smirked.

I wasn’t even thinking when I did it; I was just so angry. I kicked the gun out of her hands and slapped her in the face. I felt as angry as I did that day when I beat that girl up in the diner. I was seeing red and had no control over my actions. I just wanted to destroy Gemma Teller.

She grabbed my hair and got a cut at my face with her fist. She was wearing rings and I felt a sharp pain followed by a warm wetness. I intended to do the same to her, but I only got one hit in before there was a single gunshot from inside the shop. And then everything froze.

Everything got chillingly quiet. Even Gemma had stopped moving. We were both just staring at the door to the clubhouse with our mouths open for what felt like an hour. Finally my limbs unfroze just enough to allow me to numbly stumble through the door and into the clubhouse. I almost didn’t want to open it. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have opened it.

The scene that was splayed out before me was so gruesome and heartbreaking that I collapsed. I couldn’t take it. Everything that mattered to me had been stolen from me in one single moment that I should’ve stopped. I should’ve been there, I should’ve saved him.

I fell near his body and my shaking hands gently traced the chest of his leather jacket, where a single bullet had entered on the left side. There was blood everywhere, and it was on me, too. His eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling as blood trickled out of the side of his mouth. Tears were pouring out of my eyes and it was getting increasingly hard to breathe.

I looked up at Clay, who stood a few feet away with the gun that had killed Alex still pointed at us; at me. He put it down and backed away. Then my eyes went to Jax, who looked as though he’d stumbled back against the pool table. He was spitting out blood and had it all down the front of his shirt. He was staring at me and Alex with horror in his eyes. He was as white as a ghost. I began to sob.

I rested my head on Alex’s chest, getting his blood in my hair as I cried.

“No, no, no…” I moaned. I wanted him to come back to me. I wanted him to come back so I could explain everything. I needed to make everything right. But right then, every part of me inside and out was aching, and I didn’t want to do anything but cry.

I heard a soft voice say my name, followed by gentle fingers probing my upper arm.

“Ella…I…he…”

I looked up to see Alex’s handgun close to his body. I reached out and grabbed it, spinning around to point it at Jax, who quickly stumbled back.

“Leave me alone!” I screamed. “You just leave me alone!”

I couldn’t take much more. My body was shutting down on me. Everything hurt. The gun slipped out of my hand and I collapsed on top of my fiancé’s lifeless body. Everything faded to black and I could finally ignore the pain for a moment.



The door burst open and everyone stood up, already on edge from the disasters of the past week. No one recognized the angry man in the leather jacket who stood in the doorway with shaking fists, but Jax did. He noticed him because he’d seen him before, in photos at Ella’s house and at the shop. It was her fiancé. It was the man who was stealing his happiness. His hand fingered the gun that rested in its holster by his hip.

“You,” Alex snarled, pointing at Jax. “You and I need to talk.”

Jax smirked. “I have no idea what about, but sure, let’s talk.”

“You damn well do know what about!” Alex shouted. His voice echoed off of the walls of the clubhouse. “You slept with my fiancé!”

Anger spiked Jax’s blood when he heard that. He could hear Tig grabbing his own gun beside him, so Jax put an arm out to stop him as he stepped closer to Alex.

“Yeah, I slept with her,” Jax said coldly, “ten years ago when she was mine.”

“Don’t you fucking lie to me! I heard it all; I know the whole story. You crept into our house and you…”

“I what?” Jax dared. “I sure as hell didn’t sleep with her, if that’s what you’re going to say. We talked. We caught up, as old friends do. Although, if we had slept together, I can guarantee you she wouldn’t be your fiancé anymore. She’d be mine.” He smirked.

Alex lunged, hitting Jax in the nose with his fist and causing a spray of blood to come out, trickling down onto Jax’s shirt as he stumbled back. Jax curled up a fist and meant to retaliate but before he could Alex pulled a gun out of his jacket pocket and pointed it shakily at Jax’s face. Everyone’s gun was out after that. It was nine to one. Jax was frozen, his fist in mid-air, staring down the barrel of Alex’s gun in shock.

“Don’t you move,” Alex warned. “I’m here to send a message to you. You’re not welcome near my fiancé anymore. Wanna know why? Because she’s not yours anymore. She left you, remember? She left you when she moved away from this place and she found me, and I’ve been better to her than you could ever dream, asshole. I’m going to make it impossible for you to speak to her again. I’m going to end this right here, right now. You won’t be talking to anybody after today. Because I’m gonna fucking kill you.”

For a moment, Jax was afraid. He didn’t know how insane this guy was, which made him uneasy about the whole scenario. He didn’t know what buttons to push and which ones to stay away from, but he knew what he had to do regardless.

“Lizzie’s probably arriving outside right now; she followed me. She’ll come through those doors any second. And damn, I’m going to love taking her home with me tonight and comforting her while you lay in here, dead, helpless, and—”

That was the only time he could do it. “Get ‘em while they’re rambling”, that was what he’d been told. His left hand was reaching behind him the entire time Alex had been talking, and when he finally got a firm grip on the cool handle of his gun, he pulled it out and wasted no time pulling the trigger. It was a straight shot through the heart. Jax watched it in slow-motion. Alex stumbled and his eyes bulged as the realization hit him. He collapsed a few seconds after, and that was all it took. It was quick, but it hadn’t been entirely painless. Jax was left standing there in confusion, not quite realizing what he’d done. The reality of who he’d just killed didn’t register with him right away, but he knew it was bad. He knew it was damn horrible.

Suddenly there were footsteps outside, getting closer. Jax was shoved roughly backwards, sending him stumbling into the pool table. His gun was stolen out of his hand by Clay, who moved to stand above Alex’s body, pointing the barrel at his chest. That was when Ella entered, collapsing and bursting into tears, and everything made sense. Jax began to shake.

What have I done? He asked himself. Jesus Christ, what did I just do?