The Anarchist's Heart

My vision was blurry when I finally managed to open my eyes. Sounds and lights had been drifting in and out of my attention for a little while, but I still wasn’t sure what had happened. There was a ghost of something in the back of my mind; a gun, blood, and cold skin, but I didn’t want to think of it. That couldn’t be what had happened. It just didn’t make sense.

A bright fluorescent light hung above me and whatever was below me was uncomfortable and smelled like cigarettes and spilled beer. I groaned as my head gave a mighty throb and I felt something wet and cool gently touch my cheek. I flinched and gasped.

Suddenly everything swam into focus and I saw Jax kneeling on the floor next to my head with a wet, blood-stained rag in his hand that he was dabbing against my face. He was still eerily pale and his hand was shaking. When he noticed I was awake, he stopped and stood up, taking a few steps back. I sat up, slowly, and the cut on my face ached and stung. The couch I was on creaked underneath me.

“Where am I?” I asked, still a little dazed.

“You’re still at TM,” Jax answered meekly. “You…you fainted and I didn’t want to move you anywhere too far, you know, just in case…”

I looked at him in confusion. I tried to find any sign on his face that what had just happened hadn’t actually happened, but all I saw was stress and disbelief. He did nothing to comfort me.

“You took a nasty blow but I don’t think you’ll need stitches. I, um, I cleaned it up for you.” He turned around and grabbed something off of a nearby table. It was a box of band-aids. “I got these, too.”

Warily, I took the box from his hand and pulled a single bandage out. They were the bigger kind, and I wasn’t too keen on the thought of having to walk around with a patch on my face, but if it meant I’d heal I’d do it. I didn’t take its paper casing off, though. I just stared at it in my hand. A bandage might heal the wound on my face, but it wouldn’t heal me inside. Why wasn’t I crying? I should be hysterical with grief. But I couldn’t bring myself to shed a tear. I felt entirely numb. I barely even wanted to talk.

“If you’re feeling better, I can take you home,” Jax offered quietly.

“Where is he?” I asked, ignoring him.

He stared at me like a deer caught in headlights for a moment. I could see him struggling for words. His icy blue eyes seemed a little less vibrant. He looked so tired and yet so terribly awake.

“I…he…we, um, the Sheriff picked him up, and the ambulance. So they’ll probably be taking him to the funeral home. I would’ve asked you what you wanted us to do but you were…um…well, anyway. They’ll phone you, I’m sure, we gave them your number. You know, so you can tell them what you want done with the…the…”

“Oh.” I said, ending his tortured explanation.

I didn’t have to ask to know they didn’t let the ambulance pick up the body from TM. No, that’d be too much heat, and the authorities would know the Sons had something to do with the death. They likely moved the body to an alley somewhere, made it look like a suicide, called 911 and told them just that. “We know his fiancé, though. She’s gonna be devastated when she finds out” they probably said. Everything had to be a lie in order to protect the club.

“Where’s Clay?” I asked with poison in my voice, weak as it was. “Gemma?”

“Gone,” Jax replied. “They left soon after.”

“Smart move,” I quipped, toying with the bandage.

“Look, Ella…he pulled a gun on me. He was gonna shoot, and he picked the wrong place to do it. Clay, he was only defending—”

“No,” I snapped, standing up slowly. “Don’t you dare place the blame on Alex. The blame falls in your mother’s hands. If she hadn’t come to the house and made Alex think I cheated on him with you, none of this would’ve happened. Clay is a puppet monster, and Gemma is the one pulling the strings. Alex was innocent. If I’d only gotten inside in time to take his gun and explain, he’d still be alive. If your mother hadn’t ambushed me outside the shop…”

“Ella, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize to me. I wasn’t the one he killed.”

Jax didn’t say anything. He clenched his jaw and turned away from me like a hurt animal. I didn’t understand why he was so broken up about it. He’d never felt any love for Alex, I knew that. He was likely just upset because he knew I’d just been proven right for leaving ten years ago. The reaper had just lifted its ugly head and took someone I loved, which is what I always knew would happen as long as I was close to the Sons. His chances of justifying himself as a lover went out the window in one gunshot and he knew it.

I peeled open the bandage and applied it and reached in my pockets for my keys. My hands were shaking awfully though and they slipped from my fingers to clatter on the ground. Jax turned around as I bent to pick them up.

“I can take you home,” he said again.

“Yeah, I’m sure you know the way there better than I do at this point,” I muttered sourly.

“Ella…” he sighed, pleading.

“I can manage.” I said.

I walked out to my car where I’d left it behind Alex’s. His car was still there. I paused by the driver’s door, staring at the open glove box inside. Oh, Alex… I thought. I’m so sorry.

I pulled the driver’s door open and slowly got into the seat. The keys weren’t in the ignition. They were in his pocket, wherever he was now. I ran my hands over the edge of the leather seat, over the gear shift, the centre console, and I closed the glove box with a quiet click. I checked behind me and noticed that he’d left a jacket on the backseat. It was a fleece jacket, one of his favourites. He’d bought it when we’d first moved to Portland together, at a little cabin-in-the-woods kind of shop. It was the only jacket he wore for three months after he got it. Then the weather warmed up and it was too hot for him. I grabbed it and my fingers ran along the frayed fabric on the sleeves. He’d almost worn a hole in it. I held it to my nose and took a deep breath in. Mostly it smelled of laundry detergent, but there was the ghost of his cologne just around the collar. I closed my eyes and kept breathing it in. I rested my head against the steering wheel, still clutching onto the jacket. I still wasn’t crying. I could feel the pain in my chest, but it was so subtle from the numbness that I could ignore it. I figured I should enjoy that time while I could, because before I knew it I wouldn’t be able to ignore a thing any longer.

I didn’t know how long I sat in his car for. I wasn’t really thinking, wasn’t moving, I was just sitting. I guess I was in there for long enough though because by the time Jax walked out and leaned against the open driver’s side window the sun had disappeared behind the buildings and the sky was much dimmer.

“You didn’t make it very far,” he said softly.

I leaned back in the seat and my back ached in relief. I’d been hunched over for too long.

“Guess not,” I mumbled, looking down at the jacket in my fingers.

“Let me take you home.” He said for the third time.

“You aren’t gonna take no for an answer, are you?” I asked.

“Not this time.”

Reluctantly, I got out of Alex’s car. I stopped a moment to look at it.

“What’s gonna happen to it?” I asked.

Jax shrugged. “Could always sell it; it’s in good condition. Or keep it for yourself. But that’s two car payments for one person and I’m not sure you want that.”

I shook my head. “I can’t afford that, not now. I’ll put a for sale sign on it.”

Jax just nodded and took the keys from my hand. I got in the passenger seat and on the way over to my house I realized it was probably a good idea Jax was taking me home. I kept losing focus and staring off into space; I was in no condition to keep my eyes on the road. I just felt heavy, and at the same time I felt like a shy little girl again. I was scared. It’s like I was back on my first day of kindergarten, cowering by my mother’s legs. The same boy that comforted me that day was next to me again, but I didn’t feel any better. I didn’t feel less scared.

When we pulled up to my house that fear got worse. I thought I’d be able to go in no problem, but I sat rooted to the seat, just staring at it and clutching Alex’s jacket. We’d bought that house together. All of our stuff was in it; all of his stuff. Everything in that house was something he’d never touch again, including me. And I couldn’t make myself get out of the car.

“Ella?” Jax’s voice snapped me back to reality and I looked at him. “You okay?”

I shook my head. “I can’t do it,” I whispered.

“What can’t you do?”

“I can’t go inside.”

“Yes you can, this is your house.”

“No, this is our house. Or at least it was. I can’t go in there by…by myself.”

“I can walk you in, I mean, if it’d help.”

As much as the offer seemed strange, given everything that had just happened as a result of the last time Jax and I were inside my house, I nodded. I had to go inside; I had nowhere else to stay and it was getting dark out. Plus Felix was in there and he was probably stressing out. I thought maybe Felix would make me feel better. With that thought in mind, I got out of the car and walked with Jax to the front door.

When I unlocked the door and pushed it open, the smells of my house seemed to wash over me. They were unfamiliar and yet I knew them. It smelled like the vanilla cupcake candle I’d lit during our breakfast, and it smelled like leather furniture, clean dishes, and a hint of laundry detergent. I clutched Alex’s jacket to me. There were going to be things in that house that smelled like him, things that were his and that he’d used. They were all going to be the last things I’d have to remember him with. Our bed and his pillow would smell like him. I didn’t know if I could take it. My hands were shaking a little harder just thinking about it.

“Aren’t you going to go inside?” Jax asked, spooking me a little. For a second I’d forgotten he was behind me.

“Oh…” I sighed. I felt so heavy. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to move or not.

Somehow, though, I managed it. I crossed the threshold like a timid horse being pulled into a trailer, shaking and uncertain. There was a little mew and Felix hopped up onto the couch, staring at me with his large golden eyes. He looked like he knew something was wrong. His tail was twitching back and forth behind him as he sat, and his ears were alert. I felt like I had to break the bad news to him but I didn’t know how. Then I remembered he was only a cat. He wouldn’t understand me anyways.

“Hey…are you good?” Jax asked from the threshold. Felix mewed again from the couch.

I turned to look at him. He seemed awkward, standing there, half inside the house and half outside of it. His hands were in his pockets and the breeze tossed strands of blonde hair across his face. He still looked tired to me. He kept switching his balance from one foot to the other in a quick rhythmic pattern. He didn’t seem to be doing any better than I was.

“I…I guess so,” I stammered. Even words seemed like a foreign concept to me. I didn’t know what to say, when to say it, or how to say it. Everything was jumbled and nothing was making sense.

“Alright, well I’m gonna walk back to the shop. If you need anything…I still have the same number, so…” He turned to leave.

“You’re going to walk back?” I blurted out. It was a fair distance back to the shop, at least when one was footing it.

“Yeah. I need to, um, clear my head.”

I guess I could understand that. I nodded stiffly.

“Alright. Thank you.”

“No problem.” He walked down my driveway and onto the street.

I turned to face my house. It seemed more menacing than ever before. The fading light outside made everything inside seem a lot more fearsome and foreign. It was too dark, and I knew when I turned the light on it’d illuminate everything I didn’t want to see. All the things we’d bought together for this new house, all the things we’d brought from our old house…I wasn’t ready for that. I couldn’t handle that on my own. It wasn’t like I could call my parents to come over and comfort me, or go to their house instead. They didn’t live in Charming anymore. I was alone, save for my cat and one other person.

“Jax,” I felt strange standing in the middle of the street holding a dead man’s jacket and calling out for someone’s attention. My voice echoed off the houses and for a second I wasn’t sure he heard me. Thankfully I’d caught him before he’d gone too far, though, and he turned around to look at me.

When he finally made it back to where I was standing he had a look of worry on his face.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

“I can’t,” I muttered. My throat was feeling so tight it hurt and my eyes were stinging. I couldn’t form a full sentence. “I can’t.”

Thankfully he understood and with a nod he put a gentle hand on my back.

“Alright, let’s go.”

I felt slightly more reassured walking back into the house with Jax. He turned on the lights and I winced, but I knew nothing was going to jump out and smother me. I turned around to see him taking his shoes off. Felix was creeping up trying to sniff him.

“What do you want me to do?” Jax asked softly, ignoring Felix’s curious nose.

“I…I don’t know,” I said, gazing about. “I guess I didn’t get that far.”

“If you show me where things are, I can make you some tea or coffee or like, a sandwich…” he offered.

“Can you stay here tonight?” The words kind of just poured from my mouth unceremoniously. The thought came to my head and I had no time to process it before it spewed out into the open. But oddly enough I didn’t regret it. It was what I wanted. I knew I wouldn’t feel safe and I wouldn’t feel okay if I was in this house all by myself, especially not on that night.

Jax blinked at me before stuttering out his response. “Y-yeah, sure. If-if that’d help you.”

“It would. Hopefully the couch will suffice; the guest bedroom is sort of a junk room at the moment. I’ll get you blankets and stuff…”

“That’d be fine, yeah.” Jax said with a tiny smile.

I gently rested Alex’s jacket on the back of the couch.

“Also a sandwich would be nice.” I said, giving him a weak little smile in return as a tear slid down my cheek.