The Anarchist's Heart

It’d been one week.

At least, I think it’d been one week. I’d gotten kind of bad at counting the days. Day, night…they both kind of just swirled together. I hadn’t been sleeping more than an hour a night and during the day I wasn’t always conscious of what I was doing. I just did mundane things to keep myself busy; I’d make a mess just to clean it up, and I’d sweep the floors at least six times a day. My mind would kind of just float out of place, and before I knew it I’d swept the same two tiles twenty times. Maybe I should’ve been worried about myself, but I couldn’t be. I couldn’t feel anything. That was the problem. All I felt was the same empty sorrow in my chest that made my whole body ache and a bitter taste in my mouth.

I’d had to phone Alex’s parents to tell them what had happened. Of course, I couldn’t tell them exactly what had happened. I’d lied to them. I’d told them he’d been in a car accident. That’d been the hardest part. His mother broke down in tears so badly that his father had to take the phone from her and then I had to retell the story all over again. It’d felt like a millennia before he finally said “We’d like to bury him here, in New York, if you don’t mind” and for some reason that made me heave a sigh of relief. I guess I just didn’t want to have to bury him myself, and certainly not here. Not in the miserable town he’d died in; he’d barely known this place. I’d gotten his ashes transported to New York so his parents could bury him with the rest of his deceased family. I didn’t accompany his urn. I’d told his parents I couldn’t make it. Thankfully they’d understood. They gave me their condolences. I thought that was silly. He’d been their kid for god’s sake, they didn’t owe me anything. But I guess it didn’t matter. He was gone. They’d buried him under the ground.

I felt like I’d been buried under the ground as I lay awake and alone in my king size bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. The clock was glaring its red numbers in the corner of the room, casting a dim light on my dresser. Felix was snoring somewhere on the floor. My eyes flickered to the illuminated clock, which read 2:28 AM. God, I needed to sleep. I mean, I really needed to sleep. But I just couldn’t do it. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Alex’s lifeless body one way or another. Every dream I had was a nightmare. I actually feared going to sleep. I guess that’s why Jax was still hanging around.

Even after a week he still insisted on staying with me overnight. Sometimes he’d stop in during the day if he had time, too, just to make sure I was doing fine. I didn’t complain about his closeness. Honestly, I appreciated it. It was comforting just having someone nearby, even if he didn’t make me sleep easier. Jax had always been my protector and it appeared as though that had never changed. Just as a general rule Jax was protective, but around me that was ten times as evident. Every time he looked at me when he’d come through the door at 9 PM he frowned slightly before giving me a faint smile. I figured he probably didn’t think I noticed it, but I did. I couldn’t blame him for frowning at me, though. I looked like hell and I only got worse as days went by without any sleep in between. The bags under my eyes were astonishing, even to me.

I sighed and pulled the covers off of me. Maybe if I warmed up some milk it’d help me sleep. It’d helped when I was younger, I remembered. I pushed my feet into my wool-lined slippers, stole a blanket off the top of my bed to wrap myself in, and made my way down the stairs. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I noticed a shape on the couch sitting upright. It moved as my foot landed on a squeaky step and I froze for a moment.

“You’re still awake,” I stated, slowly finishing my descent down the stairs.

“I could say the same to you,” Jax murmured. His voice was gravelly; sleepy. I felt bad.

“Yeah. I’m just getting some milk…I’ll leave you alone soon.”

“Okay. Are you tired, Ella?”

I paused. Did I say yes so I could return to bed, or did I speak truthfully and say no? My body said I was tired, but my head said I was wide awake.

I sighed. “No. Are you?”

“No. Wanna hang out?”

I chuckled softly. “At 2:30 in the morning?”

“Is that not what normal people do?” he quipped.

“No, not really. But I guess neither of us are normal.”

“No, not really.”

I skipped the milk and went and sat a few cushions down from Jax. Thankfully I had a sectional couch, so he got the horizontal side and I got the vertical side. For some reason I didn’t want to sit too close. It just didn’t feel right in my gut.

“When was the last time you slept, Ella?” Jax asked. I could see his more definitive features; his piercing blue eyes dimmed by the moonlight coming in the front window, the scruff on his face, and his ever-present frown.

I shrugged and tugged the blanket tighter around me, choosing to stare at the floor instead.

“I get it, you know. I’ve gone days without sleeping, too. It’s hard to sleep after you see something like that.”

His voice sounded heavier with that last sentence. It made me wonder what all he’d seen before. How many dead bodies had he bore witness to? How many dead bodies had he killed himself?

“Have you slept much?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Off and on. Tonight just isn’t a good night, I guess.”

“How come?”

He took a moment before he answered. My eyes fell down his shirtless upper half to his hands, which were busy playing with a Zippo lighter. He wasn’t making it light, he was just opening and closing the lid over and over again.

“I’m worried,” he finally said, “about you.”

“Why?” It was a stupid thing to ask but I didn’t know how else to respond.

“You haven’t been sleeping, you’ve hardly eaten…you didn’t go to your…to his funeral, Ella. Why?”

“I couldn’t do it,” I answered meekly. “It was across the country…I didn’t want to see it, Jax. I didn’t want to see him put in the ground like that. He’d already been denounced to residing in a cold, tiny container. He didn’t deserve it. You know how I get over those things.”

“Yes, I know. I just thought…”

“I know. I should’ve gone, but I couldn’t do it. I’m not ready for that. And besides, I had to lie to his own parents about how he died. It was hard enough doing it over the phone, there was no way I could do spew that bullshit to their faces.”

“Yeah…that’s understandable.”

We sat in silence for a little while. I stared at the floor for most of it, but the dark panels were only so fascinating. My eyes moved up to the coffee table, where Jax’s leather cut was folded neatly atop it, along with his assortment of rings. They looked sort of eerie in the moonlight. The silver seemed to glow on its own. Jax moved, and something caught the moonlight and flashed in the corner of my eye. He wore a long chain around his neck that went almost to his navel when he was sitting down. It didn’t seem to be anything special, but I stared at it for a little while. Even from a distance I could see new scars on Jax’s body that I didn’t remember from before. There were plenty on his arms and a couple on his chest. I wondered how he’d gotten all of them, but I didn’t bother asking. I figured it was better if I just didn’t know.

“Do you remember that time when I snuck over to your house, it was like one in the morning, and I got you to sneak out with me so we could go lay on that cliff just outside of town and look at the stars?” Jax asked. “We brought sleeping bags and Coke and we ended up falling asleep.”

I smirked. “Yeah, I remember getting home at 7:30 that morning and getting grounded for a month.”

“Yeah that wasn’t part of my plan, I promise.”

“Why do you bring it up?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Just remembering the good old days when we could both fall asleep no problem.”

“On the contrary, I could only fall asleep no problem when I was with you.” I swallowed. It felt weird talking like that. It felt weird remembering all of that. I felt like it wasn’t something I was supposed to be talking about.

“Yeah, that’s true. We used to phone one another and whisper to each other until we got tired enough.” He chuckled softly.

“My parents were always confused when they found me with my phone in the bed next to me. I always told them I never remembered grabbing it, trying to play it off for sleepwalking. The phone bills soon convinced them otherwise, though.” That’d been the end of the phone in my room.

“Your parents hated me,” Jax reminisced. He didn’t sound too hurt about it.

“Yeah, they kind of did. That’s because they didn’t give you a chance.”

“Yeah, them and everyone else in this town.”

I almost said “except me”, but then I realized I’d stopped giving him a chance when I left. I was probably worse than all the people who hadn’t given them a chance to begin with because I’d given him one, a good one, and then I’d left him like the whole thing was a lie. So I kept my mouth shut for awhile. I think he understood why I didn’t say anything.

“How did she know?” I finally piped up after what felt like ages. “Gemma. How did she know about us that night?”

Jax sighed. “She followed me. I didn’t know. She just saw me go inside with you, though. She didn’t know any of what happened. But that didn’t matter; she had her ammo.”

“God…” I murmured. “I hate her, Jax. I just…this is her fault.”

“I know.” Jax said softly. “I hate her too.”

“I didn’t think someone could be so…so…evil,” I said. My throat constricted. “It’s just not fair.”

Jax looked down at his feet for a little while. “I’m sorry. I was supposed to keep you away from the evil people. Instead I led you right to them.”

I couldn’t tell him it wasn’t his fault, because in essence it was, but it was also my fault. I kept thinking, if I’d just given him the cold shoulder right from the start, right from the very damn beginning, none of this would’ve happened. Alex wouldn’t be dead and I wouldn’t feel half as shitty as I do. But since Jax was seemingly sticking around, I might as well put him to use. I knew it was bad and I knew it was mean, but I knew he’d do it for me. If anyone understood vengeance, it was Jax Teller.

“I want revenge,” I grumbled. “Will you help me?”

He lifted his eyes to mine, confusion on his face. “What…?” he stammered.

“I know you know how to retaliate when it comes to dirty games like this,” I replied. “I need revenge, Jackson. What they took from me…I can never get back. I can’t let that go unpunished. You understand.”

He stared at me for quite awhile, appearing to be frozen in time. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking; his face was carved from stone. I pleaded with him without words, trying to depict my seriousness in my face. I even moved closer to him and covered one of his hands with both of mine, staring right into his eyes.

“Please, Jax. Please help me this time.”

His jaw clenched for a split second and I saw him weaken. Finally, he nodded curtly and hesitantly put his other hand over mine, brushing his fingers across my knuckles.

“Okay. I’ll help you.”