The Anarchist's Heart

I woke up to the rough texture of my cat’s tongue against my fingertips. It wasn’t the greatest way to wake up, but I’d had worse. When I managed to pull my fingers away from Felix’s curious sandpaper tongue, I realized I was on the couch. I’d fallen asleep there after talking with Jax all night. I hadn’t even remembered falling asleep, but I took some comfort knowing I was still on my side of the couch. Jax, however, was not on his. His belongings weren’t on the coffee table, either. A dazed panic began to buzz in my chest and I sat up, looking around for any sign of him. Then I heard a muffled cough just outside of my door.

I checked the peephole just as a precaution before opening the door. Jax turned around to look at me, squinting in the morning sunlight. Smoke billowed from his lips and he offered me a small, quick smile. Something wasn’t quite right with the scenario. Usually if Jax was staying the night he made sure to stay until I’d woken up, just to make sure I would wake up. That morning he could barely look at me for more than a fleeting moment.

“Mornin’,” he said, lifting his cigarette back to his mouth and directing his attention to the empty street.

“Good morning,” I replied. “What are you doing out here?”

“I gotta go; club stuff,” he explained. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Oh. Alright, well, are you sure you don’t want some breakfast or coffee or anything first?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied. I watched him stomp out his cigarette and brush it off the front step into the dirt with his shoe.

“Will you be back tonight?” I asked. “I just…you know, I’d like to know if I’ll have company or not.”

“Oh, yeah, probably not,” he answered, not even looking at me. “I’ve got some stuff to do at home and Gemma’s making supper tonight, so.”

“Wait, you’re going to her house?” I asked. Honestly, I was more than a little shocked. “After what she did, you…”

“Ella, she’s my mother,” He sighed, finally turning to look at me. “What she did was horrible and she’ll pay for it, I’m sure, but—”

“Is she your mother or your boss?” I asked sharply. “I’m really starting to get confused as to who the real president of your club is. Clay or Gemma? I mean, both are murderers anyway but still, my question remains.”

“That’s no concern of yours,” Jax answered in a clipped tone. “You don’t care about the club anyway so relax. It’s my business that I’ve gotta deal with. You don’t like it? Then don’t worry about it.”

He fixed his leather cut and followed the front steps to the pathway. Before he could get too far, though, I needed to stop him.

“Jax, wait,” I said, following him. The cement pathway was rough on my bare feet. He turned to look at me, annoyance in his eyes. I ignored it. “About what we said last night…what we discussed…I need to know you’re still in it with me. Because even though you don’t sound as committed as you did last night, I’m still serious about it. What Gemma and Clay did can’t go unpunished and you said you’d help—”

“I know what I said,” he interrupted. “We’ll deal with that later, okay? I have to go.”

He pulled away from me and walked towards his bike, leaving me to look like an idiot standing in my front yard in my pyjamas. Needless to say I was confused and more than a little upset. Was he really going to flake out on me? He could take revenge on a stranger just for cutting him off in traffic but he couldn’t take revenge on his parents for killing an innocent man? What was his problem? I wanted to scream but instead I settled for an angry grumble and walked back inside, making sure to slam the door behind me.

I couldn’t sit still all day after Jax left. I kept pacing the house, moving from one window to the next and from one room to another. Felix had followed me for a little while until he realized everything I was doing was pointless, and then he jumped up on the back of the couch and settled for lazily watching me and dozing off. I couldn’t blame him. I was acting crazy. I felt crazy.

I wasn’t restless specifically because of how moody Jax had been, although that certainly bugged me. I was mainly restless because if his demeanour meant anything, it meant that he was having second thoughts about his promise. Maybe I was having second thoughts about our promise too, but I still craved retaliation. If I wanted to get revenge for what had happened to Alex, I needed Jax on my side. He was a crucial piece in the game and if I didn’t have him in my hand, I was screwed.

Finally I had enough of pacing the house trying to figure out what to do so I decided to go for a walk. My mind was foggy and my head hurt and I needed fresh air. I hadn’t been out much since Alex died. I used to love spending time outside, but lately the thought just depressed me. I forgot what a person was supposed to do outside. I forgot what a person was supposed to do period.

I didn’t have a set path in mind. For a second I thought about visiting the cemetery to see my grandma, but then the thought put a needle in my heart so I decided to stay away. So I just kept walking, taking the odd turn here and there. Eventually I walked so far that all the houses and buildings were replaced by trees and pavement. I walked on the side of the highway as the sun fell behind the trees and the odd vehicle blew by. Birds chirped all around me, hurrying back to their nests before it got dark out. I kind of disconnected from my mind and plugged into my surroundings. I wasn’t thinking, plain and simple. I was just walking, paying attention to the bushes and trees and sounds. I probably looked like some kind of zombie, walking along the highway heading towards the brink of the town limits. I knew I should’ve been concerned about that. I was going numb again. I’d been doing that a lot, but it’d become a different kind of numbness. I couldn’t totally explain it. I just ached to be mindless, with no connections to anyone or anything. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with pain. I wouldn’t have to deal with so much anger and resentment, because that was my problem. I was so damn angry all the time. It boiled inside me until it hurt. I just needed to empty the pot already, and the only way I could do that was find Gemma and Clay. I needed it. And Jax didn’t understand.

I could see the sign a few yards ahead of me. “You are now leaving Charming.” I remembered approaching that sign after I’d left Jax sitting on his motorcycle in the middle of the road. I’d had tears pouring down my face; I’d been driving in the middle of the road because I could barely see. The sign only made me cry harder. When I saw the sign it finally became real to me. I was really leaving. I’d lived in the town all my life and I was leaving it and everyone in it behind. It’s like the sign had been saying to me, “This is your last chance to go back. Once you pass this point, you’re gone. A new future begins for you and your old one gets thrown away. Are you ready for that? Are you prepared for that kind of pain and adjustment?” I hadn’t been, but that hadn’t stopped me from passing it.

I was just about to reach out and touch the sign. I was thinking about passing it one more time. If I just walked and walked and walked, where would I get to? Who would I meet? Who would I be? How many times can a person start over? When did my limit reach its peak? But that was when I heard the roar of a Harley approaching and my hand dropped to my side. I stared out at the highway in the fading light of the sunset, wondering who it was going to be. What if it was Clay? What would I do then? I wished I had a gun on me. My aim was probably horrid, but if I could just get one shot out, maybe I could scare him off his bike. Maybe…

But it wasn’t Clay. It wasn’t even Jax. It was Opie. He noticed me right away. I couldn’t tell from his sunglasses and his beard, but I was pretty sure he was giving me the “what the hell” look. He checked the road before swerving over to meet me and cutting off his engine. I just stared at him, deadpan.

“Ellie? What are you doing out here?” he asked. Worry seeped through his tone.

I took a moment to think about it but when nothing came to mind I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Were you planning on running away again, on foot this time?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Again, I shrugged. “Maybe.”

“It’s going to be dark out soon, El. You should be getting home.”

I didn’t reply. I just stared out at the tops of the trees, where the sky was turning pink and orange.

“Here, I have an extra helmet. Why don’t I take you back into town, huh? I can drop you off at your place.”

For a second I was going to say no and keep on walking, but I knew he wouldn’t leave me alone until I went with him. He was probably scared Jax would find out and lose it on him. So I turned away from the sign to face him.

“Okay.”

He reached behind him and produced a helmet, which I put on before hiking myself up to sit behind him. My hands were shaking a little as I reached around his waist, so I clenched them together in front of him to try and make them stop.

“Oh, um, I should let you know that I have to stop at the clubhouse for a second first,” he said sheepishly. “Is…is that okay?”

I thought it over. For some reason I wasn’t offended. “Yeah. Whatever.”

“Alright. You ready?”

I just leaned against his back. He squeezed the throttle and we were off, heading back to my own personal hell. I held back a sigh. I guess I really wasn’t supposed to escape Charming. It wasn’t fair, really, and I knew it wasn’t. It drove me insane. But there was nothing I could do about it and honestly, I was tired of fighting it. That’s all. I was tired.

We got to the clubhouse and Opie parked out front of the garage. He turned to look at me, an apology written on his face.

“I’ll just be a minute, I promise.” He said.

“Okay.”

I took off the helmet and set it on his seat while he walked towards the clubhouse. I tapped my fingers against the leather, satisfied with the padding noise. I noticed Jax’s bike was parked close-by. I wondered what bad things he’d done for the sake of the club that day. Then I heard a car door shut behind me and I spun around, almost terrified at who I would see. A jolt of adrenaline rushed through my veins when I noticed it was Gemma. She had just lit a smoke with her back to me, but I could see the plumes of dim smoke rise up above her. She walked over and opened the backseat of her car, leaning in to get something. That’s when I realized: that was my chance; the perfect opportunity.

Frantically I looked around for any weapon. I knew no one in the club was going to leave a gun just sitting on their bike, but Opie had left his leather bag on his. With surprisingly steady fingers I pried it open and produced a solid black handgun. Upon checking, I found out it was loaded and ready to go. All I had to do was take the safety off, and I didn’t hesitate. My eyes darted back to the clubhouse and over to the garage. No one else was around. It was just me and her.

I got off the bike, clutching the gun at my side. Gemma was still leaning into the backseat of her car. As quietly as I possibly could, I crept up behind her. She finally stood up and I raised the gun, aiming for her head. I knew killing Gemma would end up in my own death, but at that point I didn’t care. She deserved it. She deserved worse, but I had to work with what I had. And if Jax wasn’t going to help me, a bullet to the brain was just going to have to do.

My fingers fondled the trigger as I sidled just a little closer. I was almost there. My heart was pounding in my ears and I had to bite my tongue to keep from breathing too heavily. It was all going to go down in that one instant. Everything was going to come full circle because of me. The newspaper headlines were going to have a hay-day with this one: “High School Art Teacher Goes Rogue”. That sounded not half-bad, actually. It certainly sounded better than “goes on a murderous rampage”, because that was just not true.

I gripped the handle of the gun and my finger twitched on the trigger. A smile crept across my face. This was it. I was ready. I was ready to accept my fate and I was ready to kill Gemma. I was just about to squeeze when a thick arm wrapped around my throat and I gasped, choking. The gun slipped from my fingers, landing with a loud clatter on the pavement. Gemma jumped and spun around, eyes going wide as she took in the whole scene.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, you stupid whore?” A voice growled in my ear. I knew it was Clay. His breath smelled of cigars.

I struggled against his grip, clawing so hard at his arms that I began to draw blood. Gemma was still staring at me in disbelief. I guess she thought I’d never have the guts to do it. The plan may not have gone as hoped, but at least I still got to stun and scare Gemma Teller. That didn’t happen very often.

“Jesus Christ!” she proclaimed. “She was going to shoot me!”

Clay shook me, hard. “You wanna play games, bitch? I can promise you I move a hell of a lot faster with a gun than you do, and I guarantee my aim is much better.”

I was gagging and the scenery was beginning to blur. My feet weren’t even on the ground. Finally Clay threw me down, so hard that my head cracked against the pavement, causing everything to go dark for a second. My head screamed in agony. A heavy boot rested against my temple, pinning my head to the ground. A gun clicked and I began to scream. I screamed bloody murder. It was my only defence. Someone would hear. Someone had to hear. I started to kick my legs and try and struggle against his foothold, but he only stepped on me harder until I yelped.

“What do you think, Gemma? Should we make her lame for the rest of her life, or an amputee? Or should we just end it right here, right now?” Clay asked through gritted teeth.

“No!” I wailed. “God, no, no, no!”

“What the hell is going on?”

The voice was angry. It was furious. It didn’t help my fear much, though. I was still pinned to the ground with a gun pointed at me.

“Why don’t you ask your stupid bitch of a girlfriend? She was loaded. Pointed a gun at your mother. Don’t you defend this little slut now.”

“Jesus Christ,” That one wasn’t in astonishment. That one was directed at me. It was a “what have you done” Jesus Christ.

“Let her go,” Jax demanded.

“Not a goddamn chance—”

“LET HER GO.” Even I shook at the anger in his voice. That was not the voice of a teenaged boy with only one path carved out for him. That was the voice of a grown man. That was the voice of a King.

After what felt like an eternity the pressure from the boot lifted and I sucked in a huge breath, grasping for anything. Jax’s hands grabbed me and pulled me up. He held me firmly to his front and didn’t let me go. I could hardly move.

“What the hell were you thinking, Ella?” he snarled in my ear, shaking me a little.

“Murderers,” I spat, glaring at Gemma and Clay. “You’re both murderers. You killed him and you had no good reason. You just wanted to watch me squirm. Well you got it, bitch! How do you like it? Are you enjoying yourself?” I struggled against Jax’s grip. Surprisingly, he struggled to hold me.

Gemma didn’t say anything. She moved a little more behind Clay. I laughed.

“You’re gonna be a coward now? Really? You weren’t a coward when you came to my house and blatantly lied to his face. You started all of this, Gemma. I was just gonna end it for you.”

“Hey! You wanna say shit? You can say it to me.” Clay stepped forward, glaring down at me. He spit on my shoes.

“Fine,” I snapped. “You killed him. Maybe I should’ve pointed my gun at your back first.”

He scoffed. “How do you even know it was me that killed your pretty boy? It could’ve been any one of us in that room. We all were carrying, even your precious Jax.”

I heard Jax groan uncomfortably behind me.

I shook my head. “I know you killed him because you were standing over his body, you evil son of a bitch.”

Clay lifted his glare from me to Jax. He took a moment before he grumbled poisonously, “Yeah, I was.”

Jax’s grip loosened only slightly. I didn’t pull away yet, though. I was too busy glaring at Clay. My hands were aching to claw his eyes out or just do something awful to him like he did to Alex.

Clay retreated but not before yelling at Jax, “Get her out of here. Make sure she never sets a foot on this property again or it’ll be the last time she has goddamn feet.”

He pulled Gemma inside, yelling at all the other members who had come out to watch the scene to get inside too.

I yanked away from Jax’s hold and spun around to look him in the eye. His expression was equal parts astonishment and rage. His eyes were electric, threatening to pierce right through me if I wasn’t careful. But I glared right back. I wasn’t in the mood for his attempt at reprimanding me.

“What the hell were you thinking? Have you lost your mind?” he spat. “Clay would’ve killed you!”

“He was welcome to,” I snarled. “All I wanted first was to put a bullet in your mother’s head.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Jax snapped.

“And don’t you act like you weren’t promising to give me what I wanted just last night!” I yelled. “Whose side are you on, Jax?”

He didn’t say anything. I took it as permission to walk away, so I did just that. The walk back to the street felt like it stretched on for miles. The more I walked the more it hit me that I’d almost just killed somebody and then got killed myself. I felt like everything that had happened in the past month and a half was finally coming to a head. I was colliding with my past and with a part of me that I’d never met before and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like who I’d been just a moment ago. I didn’t like the anger I’d felt, because it was more than I’d felt all at once since Alex had died. It had coursed through me like poison and it had changed me. My hands shook violently as I clenched them into fists.

I walked past the clubhouse and stopped. My eyes caught the door that I’d gone through when I’d found Alex’s dead body on the floor. Walking through that door had drastically altered my life and the path I was on. It’d sent me into a whirlwind of heartache, loss, rage, confusion, and depressed tendencies. Flash images of what I’d seen when I’d walked through that door ripped through my mind. Alex’s body, the pool of blood, the gun, Clay standing above him, Jax holding onto the pool table behind him as he stared at me with a white face. It began to scare me and I lost myself. My heartbeat spiked and my exhalation couldn’t keep up with my inhalation. The world began to spin and I fell to the ground, scraping my knees and my palms, sending shocks of pain up my arms and legs. I began to cry so hard that my entire body hurt. My lungs were screaming in pain and my head was throbbing still. Suddenly all the numbness I’d had was gone. All that was left was the raw flesh and pain beneath. I’d lost my fiancée and three years of my life just beyond that door. I’d lost my hopeful future. I’d been put right back where I’d started. And damn, that hurt like hell.

I felt hands on my shoulders, pulling me up into a sitting position. I didn’t want to be touched but I couldn’t fight back. I felt so weak and I couldn’t stop sobbing.

“Ella…hey, come on…” Jax. I didn’t think he’d stayed behind. I thought he’d gone back into the clubhouse to drink away his anger at me. But of course, how stupid was I to think that? It was Jax.

“Why?” I stammered through raking sobs. “Why me? Why d-did this have t-to happen to m-me? I just w-wanted to be h-happy…I just…wanted…”

“I know. Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay…it’s okay,” He held me to his chest and kissed my hair, brushing it back out of my face. I was too weak to even put my arms around him. My whole body was trembling. All the life had left me.

I noticed even his hands were trembling a little as they wiped my tears away and gently pushed my hair back. I got a quick glimpse through my tears at his face and I noticed his eyes weren’t ferocious anymore; they were soft blue and worried. But I only saw it for a second before my vision was blurred again. It was unfair; I didn’t want to be crying. How many times was I going to wind up back in Jax’s arms with tears pouring down my face? I hated it and I hated myself for being unable to stop it. But a part of me didn’t want to stop it. Because I knew having someone hold me so tight to them was a lot better than crying by myself for hours on end with no comfort to end it.

“I’m going to take you home,” he said, picking me up in his arms. He began walking towards his bike.

“N-no,” I protested against his throat. “I c-can’t go h-home…”

“Where else am I supposed to take you?” he asked. “I can’t leave you here.”

“Take me…take me to y-yours…” I whispered.

He paused for a moment before lowering me down onto the leather seat of his motorcycle. He put a helmet on me and looked right into my eyes, concern written all over his face.

“Are you sure, Ella?”

I nodded. “Please.”

He just got on his bike and we drove off. I leaned into his back, with tears still falling down my face but I wasn’t sobbing anymore. The searing pain in my chest was beginning to fade to a dull throbbing ache. There was nothing I could do but just let myself feel it. I tried to distract myself by watching the streetlights fly past, or paying attention to the lit up houses in the dark as we drove past them, but it didn’t work very well. So I just held onto Jax with what little strength I had and decided to shut my eyes. I shut my eyes to the world and reverted back into myself.

Too soon we came to a stop and the engine shut off. I sat back and let go of Jax. He took my helmet off of me and I slowly got off of his bike. My legs were shaking and I had to lean against the Harley to try and keep steady. I gave a small sob.

“Here, let me help,” Jax offered, scooping me back up into his arms like I weighed as much as a sack of feathers.

He brought me into the house and walked me to the bedroom. He stood me up carefully next to the bed and brushed some hair out of my eyes. I didn’t know how late it actually was, but I knew my whole body was exhausted. All the adrenaline and panic had left me and all I wanted to do was lie down and not move for the rest of my life. Jax seemed to sense that. But my shirt was spotted with wet marks from my tears and my jeans had spots of blood around the knees from when I’d fallen. He walked away from me to the closet and grabbed a dark blue t-shirt that he brought back over to the bed. His eyes looked into mine, as if they were asking for permission. I just let my eyes fall to his feet. Gently, he lifted my shirt over my head and set it aside. I could tell he was training himself not to let his eyes linger on any one spot for too long. He wasn’t doing it to be sexual; he was doing it to care for me. He knew I wouldn’t have the strength or capability at the moment to do any of it myself, which was actually pathetic to think about how such sadness can seriously affect a person. His fingers were warm where they brushed against my skin and I got goosebumps. He pretended not to notice them, though, and instead moved to unbutton my jeans and take them off, one foot at a time. He set them with my shirt and stood back up to put his shirt on me.

“Here, sit down,” he said after he’d pulled the sheets back on his bed.

I did as he told me and he pulled the blankets back up around me. Then he sat down next to me and gently put his hands on either side of my face, wiping away any excess tears with his thumbs. He rested his forehead against mine and I shut my eyes. I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but when he pulled back from me a shudder ran through my body. I wanted him to stay with me, just like that, so I felt safe. When he left I felt cold and alone. It scared me.

Regardless, I laid down on the pillow on my side so I could watch him. My eyes felt heavy and my body heaved a sigh, thankful for not having to hold itself up anymore. I watched as Jax pulled the drawer of his nightstand open to take out a gun and a pack of bullets. I didn’t have to ask why he was doing that. I knew. I knew he was worried. I was in a cataclysmic state. I was dangerous to myself. He was only trying to help me.

He walked out of the room and shut the light off. I listened to him walk away for a little while. I nuzzled my nose into the shirt he’d given me and breathed in the smell of him. Finally my body shut down and I fell into a fitful sleep. I didn’t dream. If there was one thing I could be glad about after that day, it was the fact that I wasn’t tormented in my sleep. It was the one kindness the world had offered me in what felt like forever, but I was grateful for it. I was so incredibly grateful.