The Anarchist's Heart

I woke up with a start. I’d been in the middle of a dark, dreamless sleep, but it felt like someone had pinched me awake. My head was throbbing from earlier and I ached all over. I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep with that kind of pain, so I decided to head out on a search for Advil or Tylenol or maybe a bottle of whiskey to soothe me.

I still knew the way to the bathroom in the dark. The carpet still felt familiar on my bare feet. The cold tile of the bathroom was a bit of a shock to my toes but I got over it. Turning on the light was even worse on my eyes. I didn’t know where Jax was or if he was even still in the house, but just in case he was I didn’t want to wake him up. So I opened the medicine cabinet and, as quietly as I could, grabbed the bottle of Advil from the shelf. I shook out a couple tablets into my palm and set the bottle down on the sink. My next mission was to find a glass of water, since dry swallowing pills wasn’t my thing. I sighed, knowing if Jax was home, he’d be on the couch. Going to the kitchen to get water would only increase the risk of disturbing him, which was something I really didn’t want to do. I had no clue if he was still going to be kind to me or if he was going to give me the lecture of a lifetime over what I’d done at the clubhouse. I deserved a lecture and I knew it, but I wasn’t really looking to get one at five in the morning.

Regardless of my fear, I took the plunge and headed towards the kitchen. Right when I was coming out of the hallway and turning, I ran right into something solid and warm. I let out a little scream and nearly scattered my pills on the carpet. Hands grabbed my upper arms to steady me.

“It’s okay, it’s just me,” Jax said. He was in his sleeping attire, which essentially was nothing, but a pair of pyjama pants.

“Oh,” I gasped, trying to catch myself. I was so jumpy. My heart was still pounding in my chest. “You scared me.”

“I noticed,” He smirked. “Sorry ’bout that. What are you doing up?”

“My head is killing me, as well as various other parts of my body,” I sighed, shaking the pills in my fist. “I needed to borrow some Advil.”

“Go right ahead, but I’ve got the real shit in the bedroom if you’re achin’ real bad,” he offered.

I looked over my shoulder at him as I headed towards the sink. “What do you have? Morphine?”

“Maybe a bit of that, a bit of something else,” he grinned, leaning against the wall. “I fractured a bone in my hand awhile back. It hurt somethin’ fierce. Convinced the doc to give me something with a little more punch to it.”

“Mm, and how did that affect the everyday life of an outlaw?” I asked, taking a sip of water to coerce the pills down my dry throat.

“Not too bad, actually,” he replied. “We function pretty well, sober or not.”

“I believe that.” He was being nice to me but I knew he was just fighting back the urge to scream in my face. He was too aware of my inner workings. He knew if he got that mad at me I’d run, then he’d never be able to save me.

I put the cup in the sink and sighed. Having such a nonchalant conversation with him didn’t feel right. I could sense the unspoken issue lingering between us, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. I knew that it was the reason he was still awake and pacing. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He was worried. I’d done something bad, much worse than what I could ever comprehend or even cared to. I’d pissed off the matriarch and patriarch of SAMCRO, all in one night. When someone pisses off the Sons, they pay for it, and I knew I had my due coming in two-fold. The question was, was it something I was going to live through, or not?

I started to head back towards the hallway, fidgeting with my hands as I did so.

“Well, goodnight—” I muttered. He caught me by the arm and stopped me. Here we go.

“Ella, wait,” he said. His voice was much less peppy. “We don’t have to talk about what you did or why you did it, because that much I understand.”

“And are you mad at me?” I asked, looking him right in the eyes.

“I was. But Clay’s ready to remove your head.”

“I know.”

“That’s it? You know?”

I shrugged, exasperated. “What do you want me to say, Jax? I’m not sure I can apologize, if that’s what you were looking for.”

“No, that’s not what I’m looking for. Ella, you should be scared out of your goddamn mind right now. Why aren’t you?”

“Because…I’m just angry. I’m frustrated because I thought doing something as retaliation for Alex would take away all the anger and hurt I’ve been feeling but all it did was make it worse. And I’m mad that you weren’t there when you said you’d be. You’ve been up my ass since Alex died but as soon as I need you, you scuttle off to hide under your mother’s heel. What kind of bullshit is that, Jax? You know, maybe none of this would’ve happened if you’d—”

“You don’t put this on me,” Jax growled. “You’re the one who did something reckless and stupid. Now you’re the one who’s gonna pay for it and I’m not sure if I can protect you.”

“That’s fine. You don’t need to protect me. Did it ever occur to you that I’m not a kid anymore, Jax? We’re not kids anymore. I don’t need you protecting me anymore. I can manage on my own.”

“So how are you gonna manage when Clay and the guys show up on your front step, loaded to the teeth, and torture the shit out of you? Because that’s what’s going to happen and do you know why? Because you’re seen as a threat now. You came to the clubhouse and you nearly killed Gemma. Clay can’t have someone like that roaming around his streets. That’s a loose end that he’s gonna want to tie up.”

I was silent. I wanted to walk to the bedroom and leave him behind but I knew he wouldn’t let me. If he didn’t pull me back he’d follow me. The worst part was the Advil hadn’t kicked in yet and I was still feeling every ache and pain in my body.

My lip quivered and I bit it before mumbling, “I don’t want to talk about it—”

“Well we need to talk about it,” Jax interrupted.

I looked down at our feet. It was bad. It was so, so bad. I knew Jax was right. Clay was going to come after me. I wouldn’t know when and I wouldn’t know where. That was everyone in Charming’s biggest fear, so why wasn’t I shaking in my boots?

“What am I supposed to do?” I cried. “I can’t go into wit-pro over this.”

“No, you can’t. Because you can’t go to the cops about it,” Jax sighed. “Clay knows everything. He knows where you live and he knows where you work. How would that make you feel if he showed up outside your high school one day?”

“No, no,” I shook my head, “not at my work, they’d fire me.”

“I could stay with you everywhere you go, but I don’t think you’d like that very much. And I know your boss wouldn’t enjoy someone on a Harley in a Sons cut outside their high school.”

“Jesus Christ,” I moaned, falling back against the wall opposite Jax. “I can’t quit work, Jax. I can barely pay for that house on my own as it is. If I lose my job over this, I lose the house.”

Jax sighed. “This is what happens in this town when someone steps out of line.”

“What are the chances of me leaving again and being safe somewhere else? Hell, I’d move to the goddamn Yukon if that’s what it took.”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter where you go, he’ll find you.”

I rubbed my eyes in frustration. “If I hadn’t come back none of this would’ve happened.”

Jax nodded slowly. “It wouldn’t have happened if you’d never left, either.”

I looked at him and sighed. “Okay, and who would I be if I had stayed? Your Old Lady, with two kids and one on the way and no post-secondary education to speak of?”

“Maybe, but you’d be safe,” Jax replied. “You’d be family.”

“Family. Yeah. Because you know that’s what I always wanted.”

“Yeah, I do know it’s what you always wanted. We used to talk about it, remember?”

“The Sons of Anarchy is not the family I meant.”

We were silent for awhile, reflecting. It was one of those moments where I could tell that the heated part of the argument was over. The silence was a bit awkward and I could tell we were both just tired and looking for something else to say. Personally, I was coming up blank. I couldn’t tell what Jax was thinking, though. His face was downcast and I could tell his fingers were lingering for a cigarette with the way they were tapping his thigh.

Finally, he spoke. “You know if you had stayed I wouldn’t have let that happen to you, right?” he said quietly. “I know you always wanted to go to college. I would’ve let you go. I never intended to make life choices for you, Ella.”

I thought it over for a moment. “What if my education took me to another town or city?”

“Then I’d come see you when I could,” he answered. “I just wouldn’t want you going to college parties without me, is all.”

We both smirked a little. The thought of Jackson at a college party seemed ludicrous and yet tempting at the same time to me. I wondered if he was right and if that’s how my life really could’ve gone. Had I missed out on an amazing opportunity? I didn’t really think so, but at the same time I knew if I had stayed I wouldn’t be in the position I was in at the present moment.

“Maybe I should’ve stayed then,” I said softly. His eyes met mine and I could tell he was thinking about it, too. Who would we be? Would we be happy? Jesus, would we be married? Elizabeth Teller…I couldn’t say I hadn’t fantasized about that name a thousand times before in my life.

“I’ll figure this thing with the club out,” Jax said. “I’ll do anything I can to keep them from hurting you, but it’ll be hard. I’m going to need you to cooperate with me for a little while. Maybe stay here, if it makes you feel safer. I won’t be able to be with you all the time at your place but they won’t throw down at my house. I’ll find something, anything. I’ll keep you safe.”

I wasn’t really listening to him. I mean, I knew what he was saying but I wasn’t paying full attention. I was still thinking about what would’ve happened if I’d stayed. Honestly, I hadn’t seriously considered it before, at least not in a positive context. It was…intriguing, to say the least. I’d always thought I’d be like Gemma, miserable and insane and possessive, but what if I ended up completely different? What if I was exactly who I was now, the only difference being that I’d have Jax? But then again, did I really like who I was now?

“I never thanked you, for bringing me here and all,” I blurted out. “I just…I don’t know what happened. It hit me that he was really gone, you know? It felt like it nearly killed me. I couldn’t go back to the house, not after that.”

“Nah, you don’t have to thank me.” He smiled.

“But I will.” I reached up to hug him. He was so warm and he held me just tight enough. His hair smelled of smoke and I let my fingers brush through the strands. His own hands tightened around the back of the shirt he’d given me. For some reason the hug felt like the first human contact I’d had in ten years. I relished in it. And after it was over, I let my hands guide his lips to mine, and that felt even better.

It was like I’d gone right back to being nineteen. What we were doing, kissing in a dark hallway at five in the morning, him in his pyjamas and me in his shirt, was exactly something we would’ve done back then. I’d forgotten how amazing it was. Not just kissing him, but being in his arms and feeling his hands hold me just a little bit tighter. It was emotional and yet it was so passionate it was staggering. I didn’t wonder “should we be doing this?” and I didn’t regret wanting it to never end. I had finally reached a point where I couldn’t deny it anymore. Even after ten years I was still in love with Jax Teller. He was that godforsaken feeling that no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake.

When we finally stopped, it felt like I was floating. It was honestly like all the pain, guilt, and stress that had been weighing me down for so long was lifted. In the back of my mind I knew it was only temporary, but in the moment it felt amazing. I felt like I could breath again; almost like I’d come back to life. One look into his eyes and I couldn’t help myself. I took his hand in mine and started to lead him back down the hallway. He resisted at first, hesitant.

“Ella…” His voice was weak. He wanted to, but he was more concerned about me. “Are you sure?”

I smiled reassuringly at him. In that moment, it was all I wanted. I’d stopped pretending. I gave his hand a little tug.

“Come to bed, Jax.”