The Anarchist's Heart

My foot was tapping uncontrollably and I stared out the window from my desk. Everyone had been relatively quiet around me on my first day back so far. They said their condolences and then left me alone. I didn’t mind it; in fact, it’d been what I’d been hoping for. I didn’t know how I was going to do on my first day back, but a bunch of people swarming me with sympathies and hugs wouldn’t evoke a stellar performance from me, that was for sure. Still, the quality of how my day would be was questionable. The first bell hadn’t rung yet and I was distracted. I couldn’t stop thinking about the morning I’d had, and the night.

I’d woken up with Jax’s arm draped around me and his chest against my back. My phone alarm woke us both up, but when I hit snooze and rolled over to apologize, he kissed me before I could speak.

“Mornin’,” he smiled. His voice was whiskey: rough first thing in the morning but smoother the more it came.

“Good morning,” I had replied.

I expected it to be awkward but it wasn’t half as bad as I’d assumed it was going to be. The morning was graced with peacefulness, at least. Although I was so swarmed with déjà vu I felt like I might fall over more than once. There I was, back in our old house, listening to Jax’s muffled voice as he talked on the phone in the living room while I stood in the bedroom getting dressed. I guess I wasn’t really sure how to feel about it. The night had been interesting and I’d felt something flutter in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was like I’d felt the first stirrings of life in my chest since Alex died. Not to say that wasn’t a good thing, because it was, but I also wasn’t going to lie and say it didn’t scare me, because it did.

Jax had caused me to jump a little bit when he’d poked his head around the door and asked me if I was ready. I had nodded, knowing I was ready in the basic sense of the word, as in I had my clothes on and I was awake. But I wasn’t sure I was half as ready for the rest of the day. The whole going back to work thing was stressful enough, but now I had SAMCRO on my back, too. Jax had formulated a plan during the night while we’d been lying half-asleep in one another’s arms. He would drive me to my house so I could get ready and head to work, where he assured me I’d be safe. Apparently the club had business to take care of during the day and Jax swore he’d keep Clay and Gemma as busy as he could. After work I was to head straight home, park my vehicle in the garage, and pack some things. Jax would pick me up with his truck at six o’clock and take me back to his place. Where things went from there, I didn’t know. I could only hope I’d be alive by the end of it.

He had handed me a helmet as we walked out his front door. “I just got off the phone with Chibs,” he’d said. “We’re meeting tonight to discuss...you.”

Something had sunk in my stomach but I nodded. “Okay.”

“It’s gonna be alright, darlin’,” He’d assured me. “I’ll keep you safe. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

My house had loomed in front of me like some sort of doomed place. The presence of it troubled me and I had needed to take several deep breaths before getting off of Jax’s bike and handing him back his helmet. He’d given me another reassuring smile. I had wondered how many of those I was going to see that day.

“You’ll be fine,” he had said, fidgeting slightly with the helmet buckle. “Just remember to come straight back here when you’re done work and pack the essentials. Remember to lock your doors and put your car in the garage. Don’t open the door for anyone but me.”

“Yeah,” I’d said. “Hey, I’m going to need to bring Felix with me. I hope that’s okay. I don’t really have anywhere else for him to go.”

Jax had smiled. “Yeah, bring the cat,” he’d said.

“Thanks. I’ll see you no later than six, right?”

“Six on the dot, darlin’. I’ll be here.”

I had nodded and he had started up his Harley. I had just been about to let him leave, after all I knew he had things to take care of. But there had been something gnawing at me and I needed to get it off my chest before I just let him drive away.

“Wait, Jax,” I’d said, putting a hand on his bike. It took me a minute but I finally spit it out. “What happened last night…it probably shouldn’t happen again.”

His smile had faded and he had looked away. I knew he’d been hoping for me to say something else entirely, but I just couldn’t. It still felt too soon and I wasn’t sure why I had let it happen in the first place, but I had and it was done. I wasn’t saying I regretted it, I was only saying it was in our best interests. If Jax got caught being wrapped up in me again after what I’d done, I feared Clay might lash out at him. If I needed to look Jax in the eyes and explain that to him, I would.

“I’ll see you at six. Be ready.” That was all he’d said before he’d backed up down the driveway and took off.

And now I was back in such an unfamiliar and yet well-memorized place. I felt like I hadn’t been here in years. Nothing had changed; everything was exactly as I’d left it, apart from the new projects adorning every flat surface in the room. I’d observed them when I’d first entered the classroom. They were pointillism projects and some students certainly grasped the concept better than others but they weren’t entirely miserable. At least the substitute hadn’t slacked off the whole time. That’s always so damn disappointing when that happened.

The bell rang and students began to file in through the door. I snapped myself out out of my haze and gave them a little smile. A couple of them stopped and gave me a double-take. One girl, Cassidy, she sat close to my desk. She gave me a beaming smile as she took her seat.

“You’re back,” she said.

“Indeed I am,” I nodded.

I got a few welcome back’s from some of the kids and barely a glance from others. I could always tell which ones were most disappointed to not see a substitute behind the desk. I mean, they made it pretty obvious. It didn’t hurt though. They were stuck with me whether they wanted me or not. If they didn’t, that was their problem. Ah, it felt good to be back.

I stood up and walked to the front of the classroom, surveying my students.

“Good morning, everyone,” I said as cheerfully as I could. “I know it’s a Monday and you’re tired, but wouldn’t you rather start your morning off with some easy, relaxing art instead of something like physics or calculus? Mhm, count yourselves lucky.” That earned me a couple chuckles, nods, and shrugs. I continued. “So, yes, I am back after some time off due to a death, and that’s all I’m going to say about it. So let’s move on to today’s lesson plan: watercolours. I ordered watercolour pallets, tools, and paper awhile back and they arrived while I was gone, so we’re just going to dive right into it. But before I unleash you guys on the practice, you obviously need to learn how to do it. Now, who has used watercolours before?”

I was a bit surprised by the excitement I got out of them. Some of them of course didn’t much care either way, but a fair few of them were pretty damn pumped to try something new. I outlined to them that they were all going to paint the same scene, an easy one, although with their own personal touches. The scene was an icy river breaking through a snowy bank with dead trees and pines in the background. I showed them my personal example that I’d painted over the summer. I told them how to use salt for a frosty effect, how much water to use vs how opaque they wanted their colour to be. By the end of it they just wanted to get on to painting but time was running out so they all just got to pencil in their outlines. By the time they all left for their next class and I had sunk down into my chair, I felt good. I felt like I’d done something good and worthwhile for the first time in a long time. It made me remember why I chose a career in education.

It wasn’t until the clock struck 4:30 and I was finally heading home that my nerves started to spike. What if someone found me on my way home? What if someone was waiting for me outside the school, knowing I’d be at work? What if Jax couldn’t convince the club to not murder me? Needless to say the drive home was rather macabre, and I had to keep checking my rear view every thirty seconds in order to avoid a panic attack.

I parked my car in the garage just like Jax had instructed me to. When I finally got in the house Felix kept winding himself around my legs. He knew something was happening. I tried to calm him with treats but it didn’t work as well as I’d hoped. He still kept pacing, twitching his tail, and sniffing at my duffel bag as I packed it full of stuff.

I packed the essentials: clothes, toiletries, my work things, and a couple of books to ease the anxiety I knew I was sure to have. Since I wasn’t sure just how long I’d be out of my house, I ended up packing a couple of bags. I needed professional outfits for work and regular outfits, plus a lot of paperwork and my computer, plus all of Felix’s things. I did some last minute cleaning up, too; I cleaned out my fridge and garbage cans and recycling bins. I’d wait for Jax to show up before I took the bags to the outside bins, of course. I couldn’t risk walking outside alone. What if Gemma was waiting for me out there? She’d kill me and then Jax would be pissed and it’d just be one big unnecessary event.

I made a sandwich and tried to eat it but I could only nibble at it bit by bit. The clock was ticking by awfully slow and my tension was rising. I had half a mind to call Jax and ask where he was but I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. If he said he was going to show up at six o’clock that was when he’d show up, not a minute earlier. I was so riddled with anxiety that eating only made my stomach cramp up so I ended up adding the remains of my sandwich to the garbage. I tried to give Felix some of the chicken from it first, but he only sniffed at it. Even he was too stressed to eat.

The world got dimmer as the sun began to set. I remained seated on the couch, just staring at the window even though the blinds were closed. I didn’t feel like I could do anything else. I had packed, cleaned, kind of ate, and really I just wanted to get out of there. The worst part was that my stress wasn’t over yet. I still had to wait for Jax to get back to me on the club’s decision, which he wouldn’t find out until later that night. I began to think that maybe a revenge bullet from Gemma or Clay would be better than just sitting there waiting.

Eventually the rumble of an engine outside my house injected more fear into my bloodstream. Both Felix and I were as still as statues, staring at the front door. Footsteps approached and my heartbeat increased. There was a couple short knocks followed by a voice that brought so much relief on me I nearly cried.

“It’s me,” Jax said.

I walked over to the door and pulled it open a little. Lo and behold, it was my saviour. He gave me a little smile.

“You ready?” he asked.

I nodded and pulled the door open a little further so he could step inside. Immediately he grabbed one of my bags and threw it over his shoulder.

“C’mon, grab your stuff and bring it to the truck,” he said.

I followed orders. I coaxed Felix into his carrier, even though he protested the entire time. I grabbed him and my other bag and walked out to the driveway where Jax had parked. I put Felix in the backseat and my bag in the bed of the truck. Jax took out my garbage and recycling without comment. His odd silence and curtness made me feel like I was being carted off to some sort of care home. I didn’t like it, to say the least.

“Got anything else?” Jax asked.

“Yeah, just his litter box and food. I’ll get it.” I muttered.

I grabbed the stuff from my house, casting one final look around the place. It was kind of sad leaving it, mostly because I didn’t know how long I’d be gone for. It was my dream home, for crying out loud. After everything that had happened it was nothing but a nightmare to me. I wanted nothing to do with it. I made a mental note to get in touch with the realtor and put it up for sale. I couldn’t live there. There were too many ghosts.

“Bye, Alex,” I whispered to the empty house. “I’ll be okay.”

I locked the door behind me and walked back over to the truck, throwing Felix’s things in the backseat with him. As I was getting in the front seat, Jax pulled a freshly-lit cigarette from his mouth and spoke.

“Does he ever stop meowing?” he asked.

“Yeah, he’s just stressed,” I replied. “He’ll be fine in a bit.”

Jax nodded, putting the cigarette back between his lips and pulling out of my driveway. It was a pretty silent drive to his place. I had a feeling the thing I’d said earlier was still lingering on Jax’s mind. Clearly it wasn’t what he’d wanted to hear, but I couldn’t help that. I guess I felt a little bad about it. I’d wanted it to be okay; in the moment I’d thought it would be. I just wasn’t ready yet, that was all. I’d gotten caught up in a moment and I shouldn’t have let myself get that vulnerable around him. Me being vulnerable around Jackson Teller was never a good thing. I always found myself getting far too caught up in him.

He helped me bring everything into his house and I let Felix out of his kennel. He sniffed around before coming out and immediately took off to explore his new temporary surroundings. I sighed as I watched him go. He didn’t like it anymore than I did.

“Just put your things wherever,” Jax commented. “Settle in. You know the setup.”

I nodded. “Okay.”

“The club’s meeting at seven,” Jax said, checking the time on his phone. “I think I’ll head down there early. Lock the door behind me and try to stay in the back bedroom. Shut off all the lights in the front. I’m not saying anyone will come here but just in case.”

“Yeah—Jax, wait,” I sighed, walking over to him. His eyes assessed me with curiosity. If he knew what I was going to say he did a good job of covering it up. “I know what I said this morning hit a nerve with you. I just…I want you to understand that I didn’t say it to hurt you. I didn’t say it to mean that I regretted what we did because, honestly, I don’t regret it. I just want to protect both of us. If Gemma or Clay found out you were getting closer to me again they’d lose it, even more so after what I’ve done. I don’t want them to hurt you over me.”

He nodded. The look on his face was one I couldn’t really decode. It looked like a sinking understanding and at the same time puzzlement. Did he not understand me when I said I was protecting him? Or did he just not like the idea of me protecting him? I guess in the world of bikers it was supposed to be the other way around.

“Lock up behind me,” was all he said before he left.

I did as he asked and sighed, leaning against the door. If I wanted this new living arrangement to not be hell, we’d both have to cooperate to make it work. For the moment, though, I grabbed my duffel bags and shut the lights off behind me before I headed off to the bedroom.

I dropped my suitcase against the wall and heaved a sigh, staring at the bed. It’d once been ours, but now it was just his. He’d changed the sheets. I wondered what made him do that. I was always wondering what made Jax do things. I leaned down to remove my pyjamas, toothbrush, floss, and hairbrush. Felix wondered in while I was getting everything organized, mewling as he did so.

“I know, buddy,” I replied. “I don’t think I like it either.”

Jax returned much later that night; nearly midnight. Meanwhile I’d been sitting in bed like a good hostage, reading Hannibal Rising with my hair up and glasses on like I didn’t have a care in the world. I think even Jax knew the book was just a crutch. I hadn’t felt that anxious for that long in quite some time. As soon as I heard a key in the front door my entire body froze and I stared at the door. The door creaked only slightly as it was pushed open. My heart was pounding in my chest.

“It’s me,” Jax called. He sounded tired.

“Back here,” I answered sheepishly.

He wandered down the hallway, leaning against the doorframe instead of coming in right away. He didn’t look very well off. His hair was a bit dishevelled like he’d just run his fingers through it in frustration. It seemed like the dark circles under his eyes had gotten exceedingly darker since I’d last seen him. It made my heart drop into my stomach.

“Are you okay?” I asked, closing my book and setting it aside.

He shook his head, looking at the floor by the wall. His jaw clenched and his hands were fidgeting in the pockets of his jeans.

“Not really,” he muttered.

“Come sit down, Jax.” I brought my legs into a crossed position to make room and sat up. He shuffled over and sat down near me on the edge of the bed. His fingers gripped the edge of the mattress a little harder than expected, I noticed.

“What happened?” I asked.

He took a moment before responding. Every inch of me was crawling with fear and anxiety. He hadn’t gotten Clay to let me go. There was a bounty on my head. I’d be dead and buried out off the highway before sunrise. I could barely move.

Finally, he spoke, but his voice has sunk and withered. “I reached an agreement at the table tonight with Clay,” he whispered.

“And?” I prompted, just as softly. “What did he agree to?”

He raised his eyes to my face, keeping a hard focus on my eyes. I almost looked away but he spoke before I could, and the words he said sent strange shivers down my spine and arms.

“You’ll get to live,” he replied. The way he said it made me blink.

“But? What’s the catch? I know there is one.” My whole mouth had gone dry.

Again, he shook his head. This time, he kept his gaze on me. “I don’t think you’re going to like it.”