The Anarchist's Heart

I wiped a spot on the mirror with my hand, swiping away the steam so I could see a blurred image of myself. My hair was tangled on top of my head and dripping onto the floor. I prodded at my sensitive bottom lip, inspecting it. It was a little swollen from Clay’s hand. I had dark bags under my eyes and I poked at them, too. While the hot shower had felt good, my body still felt sore. I had sat down while I showered, letting the steaming water pour over me. It’d soothed me a little, but certainly not enough. While it washed away my dirt and dried blood, it did nothing to rid my mind of the horrific images I’d witnessed that night. No matter what I did, I still saw that knife slipping in and out of Alvin’s back, Jax’s angry lion face as he stabbed the man, blood spattering into his face, and I still heard Alvin’s dying screams and chokes. I felt haunted by it all.

I wrapped the towel around me after I’d dried most of my body off, using one corner of it to squeeze excess water out of the ends of my hair. I was ready to put my pyjamas on and crawl into bed, so I headed towards the door and pulled it open, walking out into the hallway. I collided with something hard and warm and I gasped. Looking up, I noticed it was only Jax. My heart skipped in my chest. He’d wiped the blood from his face, I noticed. He looked just as exhausted as I felt. He gave me a small smile.

“Hello,” he said softly.

Blushing, I tucked the towel in at my front, ensuring I was as covered up as I could be. I’d shown enough skin for one night.

“Hi,” I answered.

“Are you…okay?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Not really,”

“Yeah, I don’t blame you,” He sighed.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, sort of,” His answer disturbed me. How was he more alright than I was? Silly me. I kept forgetting he was used to murder by now.

“Oh,” I said. I couldn’t even bring myself to meet his eyes for more than a few seconds. Every time I looked at him all I saw was the knife and the blood. Not feeling up to remembering it all with the images still fresh in my mind, I walked away towards the bedroom.

I stood in front of the dresser, looking briefly at my reflection in the scratched, foggy mirror. To me, the girl looking back appeared sick. Her face seemed more hollow than I remember, and the shine that had once enhanced the stormy realms of her grey eyes was gone. Her complexion was paler than usual, which was saying something. Her hair was sending water droplets down her collarbone, and the cooled water was making her shiver like a child—or was that only the fear she was feeling making her do that? She couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

I grabbed my nightly face cream and began dabbing it under my eyes, hoping it would take away the sunken, dark bags that had begun to grow there like persistent bruises. I could feel his presence somewhere behind me; I hoped that if I ignored him he would go away. I couldn’t bear to speak to him. It’s not that I was angry with him, it was simply that I’d seen a part of him I’d never wanted to and it had scared me. I didn’t want to remember that nightmare like that; I didn’t want to look into those same eyes I’d once fallen in love with and instead see only a murderer looking back at me. I suppose I felt soiled, in a way. I felt as though any innocence that had remained in me had been stripped away, taken without my permission. I had witnessed the first love of my life kill a man. That does things to a person.

“Ella, can we talk please?” he asked. His voice made me quake.

“No,” I replied quietly, putting the lid back on my face cream.

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to talk. I just want to sleep.”

“But don’t you think we should at least—”

“No.”

I picked up my hairbrush, once again trying to busy myself and deter him from his fruitless efforts to reminisce on the night’s endeavours. But my hands were shaking and as soon as I snagged a knot at the back of my head the brush slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor. I turned around and was about to bend down to retrieve it but he stopped me by getting to it first.

“Here, let me help,” he murmured as he picked it up.

I shied away from him, cowering in his presence. I felt like a dog that had been beaten and shunned and was thus terrified of human contact. Jax noticed it when he stood back up and his face fell.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said. Hurt ensnared his tone. “Don’t look at me like you’re scared of me.”

I swallowed. He still held my brush and I feared reaching out to take it back. “I am scared of you,” I said.

His face softened in a sad way at the sting of my remark. “But you know me,” he whispered. “You don’t need to be scared of me.”

“I knew only the man,” I replied quietly. “But tonight I saw the murderer. Tonight I realized there cannot be one without the other; you are equal parts both. You…you were so cold, I saw it in your eyes. You were merciless. You wouldn’t have stopped if they hadn’t pulled you off of him. He was already dead but you kept stabbing him, again and again and again…I didn’t know that part of you until tonight. I didn’t know you until tonight.”

He shook his head. “No, I-I never meant for you to see that. The things he was saying…about you and…I don’t know what happened. Something just came over me. I lost control, that’s all. You know that’s not me—”

“But you are capable of it and therefore it is you,” I interrupted. “You lost control and that’s just it. You are incapable of controlling yourself when you’re furious. Before that used to mean you’d go for a drive or a walk and I wouldn’t see you for an hour or two. Then you would come home to me and kiss my forehead and hold me to you. Now it means you kill. You’re a killer and an outlaw.”

He stood still for a moment, staring into my eyes like he was trying to scour out the memories of what he’d done by look alone. I was shivering like mad in a cold, wet towel but I didn’t dare make a move towards the bed or warm clothes. If I did, I would only be vulnerable, and I would not become a docile mouse in the paws of a lion. Once, he’d been tame, and he’d been mine. The only way I would slip between his jaws was by a kiss, and the only way his paws would swipe at me would be in a loving manner; nothing but gentle caresses and intimate moments. Now I felt trapped between those jaws, with teeth gaining pressure on me. And I would cry and cry out to be saved, to return to the way things once were, but no one would hear and my cries would fade to bloody gurgles followed by eternal silence, like Alvin. The images flashed through my mind again: knife, blood, that awful stench that filled the room and made me choke.

Suddenly he made a move towards me and I gasped, ready to belt out a scream, but instead of swiping at me with deadly claws, he raised the hairbrush to the crown of my head and gently pulled it downwards. I froze, unsure of whether to pull away. If I did, would it only make things worse?

“Do you remember when I used to do this?” he asked. He continued to brush my hair, gently teasing out the knots. “When you’d come back from a night out with friends, all tipsy and flirty, like you didn’t already have me. And I’d sit you down and brush your hair for you and you’d hum me a song or tell me about your night. You loved it when I’d brush your hair.”

I remembered. But that had been long ago, and that had only been half of him.

“This isn’t something a cold-blooded killer would do,” he murmured, still brushing.

“One with an inkling of compassion might,” I answered in a trembling voice. “I’ve read about killers like those.”

“I bet you have,” he said. “I don’t have compassion, though. For you, I have love, and that’s something different.”

“Dracula,” I blurted out. He gave me a funny look. “He had love, or something close to it, one could argue.”

“I wouldn’t know,” He smirked. “I don’t believe in vampires, and I’ve never read the book.”

“I don’t believe in them either,” I sighed. “I believe in what I see.”

His smirk diminished, like a light going out; immediate. “What you saw tonight can be explained, Ella, if you’ll just let me.”

That was the issue, wasn’t it? If I just let him explain. A part of me didn’t want to hear it; I saw what I saw and that was that. But the part of me that had grown up with Jax and had loved him so fiercely begged to differ. There was an explanation, and I deserved to let myself hear it, at least. That part of me still wanted to believe that Jax was more man than monster, though, and my better senses disputed that very much.

I didn’t verbally reply to him. Instead I looked up into his eyes and tried to silently communicate my answer. He knew me well enough to catch it, and, finishing up with my hair, he leaned against the dresser and began to explain.

“You were right,” He sighed, “the club changed me. You knew that would happen, though. You saw it before I had even fully accepted my fate, and that’s why you ran away. I get that now, especially after tonight. The club makes you do things, things any normal person would never do. But we’re outlaws; the only rules we live by are our own. It made me a killer and a liar for the good of the club, but it also made me very loyal for the good of my family. That’s why tonight, when he was saying that stuff about you, I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. Then when he hit you and I saw you fall and you didn’t get up right away, I lost it. It’s like a red mist blurred my vision and all I wanted to do was kill him, so I did. I shouldn’t have, but I did. I couldn’t stop because all I saw was him hurting you. It pushed me over the edge and I guess I’m not so good at getting back over it again.

“Tonight, I realized why you left, and I realized that I’m glad you did. I never wanted this life for you. I never wanted you to get wrapped up in this pile of shit and get hurt like you did. I regret it all, Ella, and I’m so sorry. I should’ve fought harder. I should’ve gone after Clay, if I’d been smart. He did this. I don’t expect you to stay after tonight. I know you don’t want to.”

I balked in his eyes. The idea hurt him but he tried to hide that from me by looking down. I saw it, though.

“What if I stayed?” I asked.

He looked at me again, quizzically this time. “What do you mean?” he asked.

“What would happen if I stayed here, with you?” I’d asked him the question before, but I felt as though his answer may have changed now. Maybe, since he had seen things from my point of view, he’d have a different opinion. And maybe, it would change my mind.

“Do you want to?”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

He stepped closer to me, all business. “If you stayed, then I would give you the life you deserve. I would let you do what you love, away from the club, and keep all negative influences off of you as best as I could. If you wanted to travel, I’d go with you. If you wanted to move away, I’d go with you.”

“But that means you’d have to leave the club,” I sputtered.

He nodded. “I know. I’d do that for you too, if that’s what you wanted.”

“But…why, Jax? I don’t understand…”

“I love you, Ella. I have always loved you, you know that. Whether you stay or leave, that’s gonna remain true. There’s nothing I can do about that. But with you back, it would give me the only excuse to leave that I’d listen to.”

I loved him too, I knew that. Only I couldn’t admit it like he could, not out loud. I wasn’t ready for that yet. But what he was offering me was as big as a marriage proposal. He was telling me I was the only thing that could convince him to leave the Sons of Anarchy behind for good. I still didn’t understand that. Jax loved that club; he’d dreamed of being a part of it since he was a child. How could I be special enough to make him change his mind? Who was I to have that kind of weight in his opinions? I was just a woman who had left him for another life I didn’t totally fit into. I was just a woman who had broken his heart.

I shivered again and he blinked, suddenly seeming to realize that I was still standing there in a cold, wet towel.

“I should let you get dressed,” he said. He backed away, towards the door, but something inside of me jumped uncomfortably at the prospect of him leaving me alone. My head swam in confusion at my swift change in emotions.

“Stay,” I said, my voice cracking, “please.”

He turned, casting me a puzzled stare. Slowly walking back to me, every step careful, he murmured, “But you’re cold…”

I pulled out the fold I had made in the towel to get it to remain wrapped about me, letting it fall and bunch up at my feet, leaving me naked before him. He blinked, astonished, and yet still weary. His eyes traced the curvature of my body very carefully before returning to mine. His lips quivered, searching for words that would not come past his tongue. Slowly, I pushed the leather cut off of his shoulders. He allowed me to remove it. I folded it and walked past him to set it on a chair. He turned his head to follow me, and when I walked back to him his face was tender. I lifted his dirty shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor near my towel, leaving him in only his baggy jeans and scuffed white sneakers. Gently, my fingers crawled up to his shoulders, past his throat to trace the sides of his jaw. His eyes fluttered closed for a moment and I watched as he trembled.

“Warm me up,” I whispered. “Show me you can still be wholly the man I knew, not the monster. Tonight, forget the club, for me. Make me forget, too.”

His lips descended into mine, pressing against them with the utmost tenderness. His warm hands cupped my face and although they were calloused and rough, they felt like heaven on my skin. My own fingers tangled in his hair. We walked together to the bed, connected by lips and touch only.

My head was filled with lavender fog; thick but calming, filling me up with a light sensation, like if I tried, I may be able to fly. I kept my eyes closed and focused on the feelings. My heart was hammering in my chest but instead of it beating in fear it was beating with adrenaline and lust. I tried to puzzle out what I was doing exactly; just moments ago I’d been cowering in fear because Jax had been near me and now I was tangled up in him like I had been so many times before. I was foolish, I knew. But it seemed like I was almost more afraid without Jax than I was with him most days. I got caught up in the thought of us having the future I’d always dreamed about. What was wrong with me? This whole time I’d only been causing all the problems myself. But the feeling of his hands slipping down my sides, gripping me under my thighs and lifting me up to lay me onto the bed distracted me.

His lips fell from my mouth to the dip of my collarbone and my eyes fluttered open. I watched him kneel above me, breathless, as he unbuckled his belt and tugged on the zipper of his jeans. His eyes stayed locked onto mine, but I couldn’t keep my gaze from falling over his body. My bottom lip was trapped between my teeth and my fingers reached out to brush his lower stomach. His own hands found mine and our fingers interlaced. He leaned forward, moving my arms up above my head so my hands found the headboard. I felt his hair tickle my forehead as his lips moved down to find mine again and my feet worked on pushing his jeans down. Keeping one hand on my wrists, his other moved down my body, pausing in some places and leaving patterns in others. My back arched upwards towards him and I breathed a contended sigh against his mouth.

The entire experience was so gentle and careful, but it was everything I’d been craving. It left me trembling and holding him as tight to me as I could, as if I couldn’t get him close enough. When I closed my eyes and just felt it, I was transported back all those years to the first time we’d been intimate with each other in such a way. We’d both been pitiful virgins beforehand; always too scared to go beyond making-out and the odd touch here and there. I was surprised with the clarity in which the memory came back to me. It was like it had just happened a day ago.

We’d been alone in my parent’s basement—the only reason we were allowed to be alone together was because we hadn’t quite confessed to my parents that we were an item yet—and watching movies. We did that often, but as we reached the pinnacle hormonal ages we’d simply been using the movies as an excuse to shut off the light and kiss each other for two hours. But on that particular night, it was different for some unknown reason. I remember reaching a hand down between our bodies to paw at him through his jeans, but when I could feel him stiffen against my palm I had froze up, scared. Jax had paused, also—he’d been busy at my throat—and leaned against me so his mouth was near my ear.

“What’s wrong?” he’d asked, breathless already.

“I just…I’ve never done this before,” I’d whispered.

Jax had breathed a laugh. “Neither have I,” he’d told me.

“D-did you bring any…um…you know…?” At that point I’d practically just been stalling.

“Condoms? Yeah,” he’d said sheepishly. “It’s always good to be prepared.”

“Right,” I’d bit my lip and begun to tap my fingers on my ribcage. Jax took my hand in his, lacing his fingers with mine. He’d given me his smile, the one I loved so dearly, and he’d kissed my fingers.

“We’ll take it slow, okay? Me and you, baby. If it hurts and you don’t like it we can stop.”

I had nodded, convinced by his comforting words and the soft glimmer in his eyes. We’d gone for it after that, and while we’d both been unsure and nervous, it hadn’t been half as scary as I’d been expecting it to be, at least. Just like Jax had promised, it had been slow and delicate, and he had taken every precaution to ensure I was comfortable. Although I had felt vulnerable, being naked like that, I had felt so safe and assured in his arms.

When it was done and we were a heap of skin and sweat, simply enjoying each other’s presence as we waited for our heart and breathing rates to slow down, he had asked, “Did I hurt you?”

I had shaken my head. “It was a little uncomfortable at first, but it went away.”

“Oh, good,” Jax had murmured, his voice ragged. “I don’t ever wanna hurt you.”

“I know,” I had kissed his head then, resting my chin on his dampened hair.

“Did you like it?” he had whispered into my throat, where his head was positioned.

I had smiled. “It was nice, yeah. Did you?”

He had chuckled and, breathlessly, replied, “Yeah. I really fuckin’ did.”

Once again, just like our first time, Jax’s head was resting on my chest, one of his hands tangled with mine beside us. I rested my chin on his hair and closed my eyes.

After awhile of catching our breath, Jax said, “You’re confusing sometimes.”

My eyes opened and he rolled over onto his side of the bed to look at me.

“Why’s that?” I murmured, turning onto my side to face him.

“You were so scared of me I thought you’d bolt, but instead we ended up in bed together,” he replied. “How’d that happen?”

I chuckled but shrugged. “Like I said, I knew the man. You showed him to me and I remembered how much I had loved that man. It made me forget about the other part of you for a little while.”

He nodded, pondering. “Do you think you could ever love that man again?”

“Maybe,” I whispered. “But I don’t know if I could love the other half. That’s the part that scares me. Is it possible to have one without the other, or did I wait too long?”

He gave me a small smile. “I can work on it for you. I promise I won’t ever put you in that kind of position again, Ella. I want to give you the life you deserve, not the one you ran away from. Like I said, I’d walk away from it all if that’s what you wanted.”

I nodded and got under the covers, feeling cold again. I also felt sleepy, and was ready to go to bed without even putting my pyjamas on. The exhaustion from earlier swept over me again and I yawned, barely able to keep my eyes open.

“So…what now?” Jax asked, following my lead by getting under the covers.

“Hm…?” I mumbled.

“I mean, what happens now? Are you gonna stay here, or are you gonna—?”

I slid over to him, snuggling up against his front. His arms wrapped around me after a moment’s hesitation.

“W-was that an answer, or…?” he asked.

“Shh,” I whispered. “Let’s not name it right now. Let’s just go with it, okay?”

He chuckled, kissing my head. “Okay.”

We fell asleep with the light still on and didn’t move from each other’s arms the entire night.