The Anarchist's Heart

I could see the lion bearing its teeth in his eyes. I took his hands in mine, stopping them from touching my face distractedly. “Jax,” I murmured. “Jax, shh. Sit down, okay? Breathe.” He didn’t listen to me, of course.

“Is this…is this my fault?” he asked me quietly. My heart broke for him. He looked so hurt and upset; it usually wasn’t a side of him anyone got to see.

Before I could answer, Gemma excused herself. “I think this is a conversation you two need to have alone. When it’s done, I’ll be at the house. Drop in, or at the very least call me.” She kissed Jax on the top of his head and gave me one, too. “Keep the jacket for now, sweetie.” As soon as she shut the front door Jax spoke.

“Ella…oh, god,” He sobbed and I watched the tears form in his eyes. Quickly, I blotted at his eyes with the sleeve of Gemma’s jacket.

“No, no, don’t cry,” I urged. “I’m still here, okay? I’m alright. Please, sit, baby.”

He finally took my order and sat on the chair next to me. He looked lost; I could tell in the back of his mind he thought something like this could happen, he just never prepared himself for it. He was trying to make sense of it but he didn’t have the pieces yet. I braced myself for what he might do once I told him the story. He needed to hear it, though. If I didn’t pass on that message…who knows what would happen? They could come for anybody. So, I told him everything. His face remained a relatively blank slate for the duration of my tale and once I finished a heavy silence fell upon us. Silence was one of Jax’s most frightening responses and it put me on edge; waiting for him to either snap or remain rational enough to formulate a plan.

“Jax?” I quietly prodded after what felt like a thousand years had passed.

He frowned, crinkling his nose slightly. His eyes were still glistening but they were cold and hard as stone. “So…this was my fault,” he said coldly, shaking his head a little. “Should’ve never let Clay involve you in club business…I should’ve stood up for you; put my foot down. Now, because I didn’t…I put you in this position. This happened to you…because of me.”

“No, Jax…you know I don’t see it that way,” I whispered.

“Well you should, because that’s what it is,” he growled. “I can’t believe…I can’t believe I let this happen to you. I swore I’d never…you left because you didn’t want this to happen…” His leg was shaking and he was tapping the table with the side of his fist relentlessly. He was spiralling out of control.

“Please listen to me,” I begged. “Don’t overreact. We need to come at this from a rational angle. We can get the whole club involved if we have to.”

“The club,” Jax spat. “Fuck the club. It’s already done enough damage.”

I had no response. He was right.

“My whole life I thought being in this MC was all I wanted; all I was ever going to need. But you showed me there was more. It took me years to realize it, but I get it now. And if I have to choose between the club or you…I choose you.”

Now I was the one who was confused. The conversation was taking a turn I hadn’t anticipated. Truthfully, it probably wasn’t the best time for us to finally have such a serious conversation, but Jax wasn’t going to drop it.

“I feel awful it took me this long to realize it. It shouldn’t have taken seeing you beaten and bruised for me to understand that I was the problem.” He continued, staring me dead in the eye. “I’m going to make sure this never happens to you again. I’ll put as many miles between us and the club as I possibly can. I’m serious, Ella. I’m all in this time, I promise.”

I blinked at him, astonished by what he was saying to me. “Really?” I asked softly. I had reason enough to doubt him, but I couldn’t help getting my hopes up. When someone dangles your dream in front of your face, it’s incredibly hard not to long for it.

“Yes.” He took my hands, bringing my knuckles to his lips for a brief moment. “We’ll deal with this and then that’ll be it. Whether Clay and Gemma want it or not, I’m done. The club isn’t the future I want anymore. It’s not what it used to be and I’m not who I used to be. Then we’ll go, you and me, and we’ll leave Charming forever and I promise we’ll never come back.”

I couldn’t help but hug him. The way he hugged me back made me feel like he really was serious about it. It was as if he’d never been so sure of something before in his life. But I knew it wouldn’t be that easy for him. The club was all he’d ever known; you don’t let go of things like that. After awhile it just becomes a part of you. I guess I didn’t see myself as being a part of him like the club was. The club was at his very core; it was what he lived for. He breathed and bled SAMCRO. I was just some girl that had only ever complicated things. What if Jax wasn’t meant to know anything else? What if I moved far, far away with him and he was miserable for the rest of his life? He was in his thirties…was it even possible for him to adjust to such a huge life change anymore? I doubted whether he was truly ready or not, or if he was just saying it to make me feel better.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, gingerly running his fingertips over my bruised cheekbone.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I—”

He shushed me, and for good reason. I could hear an engine start right outside our house and peel out of the driveway. My heart dropped when I noticed the kitchen window was open; it faced the front porch. Without missing a beat, Jax bolted from his chair and out the front door, onto the street. I followed at a much slower pace, but I got there in time to see the familiar black car retreating from our house before turning a corner.

“Gemma,” Jax said it like a curse under his breath.

My voice shook as I spoke. “Jax, she heard everything.”

He grabbed my wrist and started leading me towards the garage. “We need to go.”