The Anarchist's Heart

I was used to running through a forested pathway or a nice quiet neighbourhood in the suburbs. I was used to having something to really look at, like deer quietly watching me from behind the foliage or friendly neighbours to wave to. In Charming there wasn’t much but the bland buildings and passing vehicles to hold my attention. The air was dry and my lungs hurt and I’d barely cleared two miles. Normally I could make seven if I wanted to. And of course, me being me, I forgot my phone with all my music on it on the kitchen counter at home. So I was venturing out on the most boring run to date.

Once my lungs began to burn with each breath and my legs were throbbing I decided it was time to stop for a well-deserved lemonade. First I had to stop my heavy panting of course, so I walked a couple blocks to the shop to ease myself back into an average state. I was a little annoyed by not getting anywhere close to my usual score of seven miles. I couldn’t even enjoy a run in this town.

I could see the ‘Fresh-Squeezed Lemonade’ sign hanging only a few feet away and I managed a smile. I could always smile for lemonade. Just as I was grabbing for the door, however, someone pushed it open and nearly broke my nose. I stumbled back and made an awkward, loud panicked noise.

“Shit, sorry about that—wait…Elizabeth?”

Just as I’d managed to get my heart rate back down to normal, it spiked again, only this time it was in fear. Every time I saw that leather cut it gave me anxiety. However, I found slight comfort in the fact that I’d managed to not run into Jax that time.

“Opie…” I broke into a smile. “Is that really you under all that hair?”

He laughed his warm, friendly laugh and embraced me in a tight hug. I’d forgotten the sound of his laughter and the quality of his hugs, and that almost made me sad. Opie had been a close friend to Jax and I. Of course after ten years he looked slightly different than I remembered. His blonde hair was longer, pulled back into a slick ponytail and a shaggy beard encroached upon the lower half of his face. I didn’t feel the same timid terror around him as I did around Jackson. Opie had always just been my friend, nothing more, nothing less. He’d always been good to me. And yet he sported the same cut as Jax and had likely done much of the same unspeakable horrors. I could see it in his eyes; they were more faded than I remembered. There were more creases on his face. There were bags under his eyes.

“Jesus Christ. Jax told me you were back, but…man, it’s so good to see you.” He said, looking me over.

“You too,” I nodded. “How have you been, Ope?”

“Today I’m better than most days,” he answered quietly. “How about you? The past ten years have treated you well.”

I looked down sheepishly. “Not really. I’m sorry about ditching like that, Ope. I was just…it was between Jax and I. There was no bad blood between me and you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I know. It was still pretty rough after you left though.”

“Well I’m back now. Things are different, but I’m back.”

“Yeah, Jax mentioned you got yourself a teaching gig. I didn’t think there was any possible way you could be a teacher.” He quipped.

“Oh really? And why’s that?” I folded my arms across my chest and gave him a daring stare.

“I didn’t think you hated your life that much.”

I breathed a laugh. “Haha, very funny. It’s not actually that bad. I teach art so even an asshole can shut up and be creative about his anger issues.”

“Hm, maybe I should sign up then.”

I shoved him playfully. There was a lot more hard muscle under his sleeve than I remembered.

There was a slight breath in our conversation, during which I could really feel the weight of the awkward topic hanging between us. I focused on it too much and blurted out what I was thinking, which put me in the exact position I’d been trying to avoid yet again. For some reason, I wasn’t as scared of it that time, though. I think it was because I was talking to Opie. Opie always understood. He was loyal. He was comforting.

“So Jax has been talking about me?” I murmured.

Opie paused before nodding, like he wasn’t sure he should physically affirm that or not, even though he’d already mentioned it.

“Yeah, a bit,” he confirmed, “mostly just when someone asks him about you. But there are these moments where he’s just staring off into space, you know, distracted. You know Jax. He likes to keep a clear head. He needs to or he could get himself in trouble at this point. But when I see him like that, I can just tell he’s thinking about you. After ten years of constantly seeing it I like to think I’ve figured out his Ella mood pretty well. Like I said, he doesn’t talk about it much, but everyone knows he’s pretty broken up over you.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.”

He gestured towards a bench nearby and we both took a seat. My lemonade desire was temporarily forgotten.

“Look, Ellie, I know you don’t wanna hear this—”

“I really don’t,” I interjected.

“I know, I know. Just…hear me out, okay? I know why you left in the first place, and I get it. SAMCRO…it’s…it’s not an easy thing for everyone to get used to, especially not these days. I won’t lie to you. The MC is deep into some shady business, but you know that. You knew that from the start. But you need to understand that Jax would never ask for you to be a part of that. When he first joined he had no intention to involve you. It wasn’t gonna be like that.”

“But it would eventually become that, Ope. Don’t look at me with a straight face and tell me it wouldn’t. With Jax involved with the MC, we had no hope of a normal future. What if we had stayed together, huh? Let’s—let’s entertain that idea for a moment. What if we had stayed together and gotten married and had kids? Our kid’s father would either be absent all the time or dead. And either way he’d bring violence into our home; into our children’s lives. Do you even understand, Opie? Or has SAMCRO brainwashed you, too? Once someone joins that club it affects every aspect of their lives. Friendships, family…it destroys everything. I saved myself from that heartbreak and fear. And I know it was selfish and I know it hurt him, but it hurt me too. I just…I was terrified, not only for my future but I was terrified of…of…”

“Of what?”

“Of becoming her.”

He looked down at his dirty boots and I knew he understood. It was highly possible that Gemma scared me more than Jax did. It wasn’t that she intimidated me, however hard she may try; it was that I constantly saw how vengeful and poisonous she could be. She was everything I didn’t want to become. But I knew she’d been a driving force behind putting the Sons in the position they were presently in, and I knew she was deeper into it than possibly even she had intended. And, honestly, whenever I thought of her or saw her, I got a terrifying image of what my future could have been.

I sighed. “When I was a little girl, I pictured a nuclear family future for myself. I would have a handsome, adoring, successful husband. We would have two kids, a boy and a girl, and a dog. We would live in a nice big house in a suburban neighbourhood with a safe park close-by. And I would be a lawyer, or a professor; something prestigious, something I felt I deserved. I never pictured growing up surrounded by gang activity. Feeling endangered every single day; like my life was at stake just because of who I loved. I couldn’t raise children in that environment. And don’t tell me that isn’t what would happen, because you know it is. There would be no escaping it for me. It’s just how it goes, Ope. The old lady gets the short end of the stick every single time. I would have no hope of being a lawyer or a professor because no one would want to be affiliated with someone like that. It’s already hard enough just trying to be a teacher here because everyone, even my students, judge me based on my past. It’s crazy how a person can disappear for ten years only to come back and be looked down upon for the exact reason they ran away in the first place. I have nothing to do with SAMCRO anymore. I just want people to realize that. I want it to stay that way. I don’t want to prove them all right.”

“I guess I can understand that,” he agreed after a moment’s thought. “I have a wife and kids too, y’know. My wife…she doesn’t like what I do anymore than you. But she loves me, and that’s what keeps her around. I do all I can to keep club business away from my family and so far it’s worked out fine.”

“I’m happy for you, Opie. That’s great that you have a family and you’re loved, really it is. But club life never was and never will be for me. Someday Jax will understand that. Maybe when I get married, or maybe ten years after that. But he will understand. I’m not going to give him a choice.”

“Fair enough,” He nodded. “I wish I could tell you there was a good, decent chunk of Jax that didn’t belong to the club left, but I can’t. You knew all along that would happen, Ellie.”

“I never knew it’d get so bad I’d destroy our relationship because of it. I suffered for so long trying to keep us together, even though I knew what was inevitable was coming. I tried, Opie. Believe me, I tried.”

“I’m sorry it wrecked you guys so bad. I’m sorry you had to come back to this shit town. I know it’s the last place you wanna be. But if it counts for anything, I’m happy you’re back. Maybe you can come meet Donna and the kids sometime. I’ve missed you too, Ellie.”

I looked at him and offered a weak smile. It seemed everyone I’d known and loved before I’d left had been destroyed by the force of SAMCRO. And that in turn destroyed me. I had no one left in this town that I wasn’t afraid of.

“Sure, Ope. I’d like that.” I didn’t know if I’d ever cash in on it, though.

“I should go, but I’ll see you around?” He gazed at me imploringly.

“Y-yeah, sure you will. See you.” I replied. God, I was weak sometimes.

After Opie had gone I remained sitting, feeling even more upset than I had before. Suddenly I didn’t want that lemonade anymore.