Back to Black

My brain flickered. Like electricity during a storm images, memories, and faces flashed across my brain brinks of black in between. Bellatrix’s demented laugh the soundtrack to the madness mingled with the desperate cry of a child. The itchy carpet against my face as I wailed for my son, his withering body inches from mine and yet so far under the curse. His big blue eyes stared at me in a way asking ‘why? Why are you letting them do this to me? It hurts mum, it hurts so much…’ Another flash and Sirius’ face appeared a deathly glare upon his youthful face ‘you killed him! It’s your fault they killed my son! Leo is dead because of you.’ My voice broke as I begged him for forgiveness for mercy, but he simply turned away from me the black inking around before completely consuming. Remus face appeared his accusing tone no more welcomed than Sirius or Leo’s cry. ‘You used me! Like old ink you use up and throw away, I meant nothing to you..’ Phrases of similar condescending nature continued to poor out and I felt my self-crumbling. My sanity deteriorating.

“No..” I whispered Leo’s torture scene playing again in my mind in slow motion. I could fully see the satisfaction in the animal’s eyes as she tortured her cousin’s child no remorse just pure pleasure.

“No, no, no. NO!” My body shot upright and right into welcoming arms. He shushed me petting my hair as he gently laid me back into the pillows. My vision looked up to see Sirius’ concerned face, his blue eyes scanning over my face with worry.

“Sirius…” my voice was gruff and itchy. He clasped my hand in his and brought it to his lips then bringing it to his forehead his eyes closed before lifting his gaze to meet mine unshed tears shining in his orbs.

“Thank Merlin you’re alright.” He whispered kissing the skin of my palm. My eyes scanned the room: dark and dismal. A lone candle and thinly curtained window the only source of light, dust and mold had seemed to make its home in the room as well. Faded Gryffendor banners that once stood with pride were dull with dust and age. A few scrapes of parchment were attached to the wardrobe moving drawings of qudditch and an owl in flight. The wall above the desk was littered with pictures all of our younger Hogwarts day one an exact copy of the one I had in my locket of James, Lilly, myself, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. A couple of he and James and he and Remus and the most were of us or just me in general, all scurrying behind a thick wall of dust. Grimwauld place had never been as depressing as it once now, even with Sirius’ bitch of a mother and all her pureblood superiority dead. Her presence of dread still seemed to linger within the walls.

“I’m sorry” I whispered “I’m so sorry, Sirius. I’ve ruined everything. I-“ he shushed me reaching to the bedside table and dipping a rag into the basin of water, his lean, limber fingers ringed the cloth before bringing it to my forehead. A sigh escaping my lips and my eyes closing involuntarily at the sudden coolness and relief the rag brought.

“Moony and I have talked it over. We’re both on the same page now.”

I pried my eyes back open and looked at him and I found the voice to ask my most important question, my voice almost another gusty draft, unheard if Sirius weren’t expecting it.

“Do you forgive me?”

“Don’t worry about that now. You need to rest..” he moved to stand and I reached a hand out to him. The sudden quick movement causing me to fall back into the pillow exasperated as he stood over me, looking down at me in almost pity.

“I need to now. I need to know all the years I spent pining over you, defending you , the nights I spent crying into your pillow because your scent had finally faded. I need to know if I screwed all of that up or if I still have the only man I’ve ever loved, if still have his heart?”

He sat back down and looked at me taking my hand again. His eyes focused on the pads of his fingers as they slid gingerly across the surface of my hand. “I could never stay mad at you Ella. No matter how much I wanted to. I must be a fool to accept you back so easily but then I consider my own self a fool if I let you go. No other woman could put up with what I’ve put you through during the years. I guess now we’re even.”

Guilt and remorse filled one side of my being relief and delight the other, together bringing me another form of torture. Another wave of toe curling agony emitted from my abdomen and I cringed grasping at the wound. Sirius stood and carefully checked the dressing before removing it completely and turning to a tub of lotion.

“Snivellus whipped this up.” he sniffed it before shrinking back “not the best smelling stuff but you seem to be getting better. Nice to know he’s good for something.”

“how long have I been out?” Sirius gently applied the treatment to the wound before wrapping the it again.

“Three days.” He answered as he taped off the end. “Now enough questions. The fevers dropped some but you’re not out of the woods yet. Rest. We’ll talk later.”

He stood screwing the cap back on the container and turning to leave again.

“Sirius”

He stopped at the doorway to look at me one hand resting on the doorknob the other on the door frame.

“I really am sorry.”

His gaze fell as he nodded his head. The brown curls bobbing around his face. “Yeah, me too.”

The door closed with a soft thud and I fell back into the pillow as I allowed a tear to flow free.

“I love you..”