A New Dawn

The events of the day had been going in a slow whirl wind. People smiling at me, kissing me on the cheek, and grabbing my shoulders.
“Smile!” They would say “It’s your big day.” and I would force the corners of my mouth into a smile so they’d leave me be. Myra had woken me at 7:00 this morning and led me down stairs to a large breakfast buffet where I ate alone. She then led me back upstairs for a bath at 8:10 where I bathed alone. I hadn’t seen much of Sam since I called off the wedding two nights ago.
“It’s not about us.” He said coming into the bedroom standing behind a chair I was sitting in facing the beach outside. “It’s not about me or you anymore. I wish I could’ve done it differently, I really do. But it wasn’t about us, It’s about this country and our child. Ever since the day you told me you were pregnant, and I saw him on the screen, it stopped being about us. Our child deserves a worthy place to call home, a place to rule, a place to be great, a place without corruption and disrespect. This wedding has never been about us, and I think deep down inside you knew that and it pains you to finally hear it.” He said this time coming around in front of me. “You’re right. It’s time I start being honest, and I let you in on plans and decisions and all of this; the wedding, your coronation, the announcement of the baby, this all shows that you’re ready to accept that it cannot be about us. It will not be about our wants and our needs, but the needs of the country. That is the first decision that you have to make.” He stayed to look at me for a while as I kept my eyes on the view in front of me. “I love you.” He said and with a kiss on the forehead he was gone. I didn’t sleep at all that night and I let his words run through my head over and over again. Sam wasn’t right, but he wasn’t wrong either and the next day wedding plans continued smoothly like nothing had ever happened.
The bathroom door opened slowly and I hoped for it to be Sam, but it was Myra with fresh towels and pink roses. Myra comes to sit down the tables and roses on a table next to me, she takes the card sticking in between them and hands it to me.
The best decision I ever made,
The greatest moment of my life,
The happiest memory I have
is marrying you,
And now I get to do it all over again
How lucky am I? Too lucky
Love,
Sam
I read it aloud to a smiling and almost tearful Myra.
“Beautiful…” she said re reading the card again as I handed it off to her.
“My husband has always had a way with words.” I said. “If only it matched his actions.” I mumbled the last part.
“I’m sorry?” Said Myra half distracted by the card.
“I said be sure to frame it.” She nodded and left me to myself. I could hear the frenzy of people just outside in our backyard rumbling around to set it all up. It hadn’t been quiet since 4 o’clock this morning. I remember our rinky dink wedding in Vegas; just Sam and I. I had bought some white lace cocktail dress and Sam wore one of his old suits. I was so nervous, my palms we’re sweating, I thought I’d just might faint and then I saw him. Standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me, and it was at that moment I had never been so sure of myself. When I reached him at the end his eyes began to tear and as I reached to wipe his tears and place my hand on his cheek, he would grab my hand and kiss it repeatedly. ‘I love you’ he mouthed, ‘Forever’. Forever, this would be my life forever. Every event, every happening, would be made into some big ordeal, some big extravaganza. I thought of our child’s first birthday, and all the birthday’s after that. They will never have a moment of normalcy and the thought of how that would affect them haunted me. Sam would groom them to be a king or queen from the moment they were born. I hardly knew how to be a queen myself, how was I expected to teach someone else, and did I really want to groom another Sam? Not this Sam, the Sam from years ago yes, but not this Sam. I shook my head to clear the thoughts, this was not something I wanted to stress about at this time.
There was quick knock on the door and soon after cam Gianni, sweeping the room like a hurricane, Myra followed.
“Oh no, no, no, no, no, no” He repeated. “The hair and makeup people are downstairs, we are on a tight schedule! There is no time to sit and soak.” He said motioning for Myra to grab one a towel and waving me up with the other hand. “Besides you don’t want to look dried out for the big day.” He said aiding me out the tub, Myra wrapped the towel around me. I smiled and nodded to thank her. “Ok get dressed we have a light sundress waiting for you on the bed come down stairs ASAP!” He said rushing off and through the doors, disturbing the peace behind him.
“That man is going to kill me before I make it to my own wedding.” I sighed heavily. Myra giggled a little, trying to hide her smile; I laughed with her.
I retreated downstairs where a guest room had been turned in to a salon. There a mirage of people began handling my hair, tugging and pulling. It didn’t matter who anyone was anymore, I figured whomever had let them in the house had done their job. Besides the only person I truly needed to watch out for was my husband. My frizzy curls were being combed straightened and curled in to long glamorous curls, then shoved and rolled in to a roller, and attacked with hair spray. A small woman with tiny hands picked and prodded at my eyebrows and my upper lip until she left me red and groomed. She slathered on some lotion and I tugged away gesturing that I would rub it in myself, she smiled and nodded. I was not big on people grooming me, I had usualy done everything myself. My hair, plucking my eyebrows, I would do myself, unless it was some huge event I would have the only man I fully trusted help me out.
“There he is.” I said with a smile spreading across my face reaching from cheek to cheek. “Darling, I took the red eye all the way from Paris to ensure that I would make this, I have not slept a wink of an eye.” Lenny said as he kissed me on both cheeks. Lenny was my bestfriend in college and though we may have silently grown apart, he was the closest thing to home (other than Sam) that I had.
“Well I pray that won’t have any effect on your talents, this is my big day you know!” I said jokingly, laughing a little.
“Oh child please, I could do make-up and hair in my sleep.” He said with an attitude and twisting his neck.
“Alright now, don’t hurt ‘em.” And we laughed together. It was the first time I had genuinely laughed all day, all week even. Everyone was still bustling around us and Lenny could tell by the look on my face that everything was getting a bit overwhelming.
“Alright everyone clear out, the Master is here I got this.” He said shooing off everyone in the room. Some hesitated, Myra gave me a look, but I gave her a reassuring nod that everything was fine. They hadn’t seen much of Lenny ever since he moved to Paris, I hadn’t seen much of Leny ever since he moved. We wrote letters and kept in touch, and I was glad he was the one I could call on when I needed him most. “So” he said grabbing a stool and sitting next to me, “How you holding up?” He placed his hand on my arm and shoulder and I sighed deeply.
“I’m doing okay.” I said after a long pause.
“Honey you and I both know, okay is never okay.”
“Well okay is just going to have to do till I get some time to digest it all.” I said placing my hand on my stomach, more so in comfort of the baby.
“Well you’re going to have to digest soon,” he said raising and continuing the attack on my scalp, “because come 6 or 7 months you’re whole worlds going to change, and ain’t no time to digest with all that going on.”
“Don’t refer to my baby, your god child as ‘all that’” I said, smacking his leg from behind me.
“Aw of course not” he said coming around in front of me. “We are all excited for my god baby to get here aren’t we?” he said talking in a baby voice towards my belly.
“The baby is just a large formulating circle right now, he or she cannot hear you.” I said pushing away his face, laughingly.
“Well you need to hear me,” He said picking up the curling iron again, “Something has to change if you are going to bring that baby in to this world.” He said exaggerating ‘this world’ and throwing his hands in a circle. “You know my offer still stands right?”
“Oh please Lenny not today.” I said groaning.
“I know, I know, it’s your big day and all” he said it sarcastically, “I’m just saying you ever need a place to stay or… runaway, you know my doors are always open.” He said this time staring me in the eye through the mirror, waiting for any hint of unsureness in my eyes.
“I’m fine.” I said this time finishing the conversation.
“Ok,” he said putting his hands up defensively, “now let me hush before one of these guards come in with a guillotine.” I rolled my eyes and we laughed together. He went on and on about his celebrity clients in the US and Paris (where he now lived), his new Italian boyfriend, and his many Parisian lovers. Of course he never failed to mention how much I would love it, and how it was always my dream to go to Paris and pursue my design career. “You never even liked politics!” he said.
“Shut up! I took a PoliSci class in college once, changed my whole life.” I said with my nose in the air. He rolled his eyes and we laughed together again and I knew I would miss these times. The familiarity, the ability to laugh uncensored with someone and not fear the consequence. My child would not have this if I didn’t start paying close attention to my personal relationships. “You should move here you know?” Lenny paused brushing on my eye shadow and sat back to look at me. “I’m serious, you can still do your traveling, still keep most your clients, just make this your home. There’s not many makeup artists here so you would be the best of the best here. Sam and I would put you up in a nice house, you’d get your own personal chef, you would live very comfortably.” I explained.
“You know that’s never been the problem.” Lenny said. “You know I love you, and there is no place I’d rather be especially with the baby on the way but… there’s all this talk about Sam back in the states and abroad Rose. They say the revolutionaries are growing and if Sam doesn’t gain control he is going to lose this country, maybe in some big ugly war! I can’t go through another war again.” He said.
“I know it looks rough right now, but one thing my husband is not is loser, and he is no fool. Sam has a plan and he will gain back the full control of this country, and not only control but the trust of the people. What do you think all this is for?” I said throwing m hands in a dramatic gesture. “The wedding, the coronation, it sure in hell is not for me. This is not my big day, but a big day for the country. So I will put on a ridiculous amount of makeup, the big fancy dress, and a cheesy smile and pretend that everything is OK. It is no longer about me, but about the country.” I said.
“Spoken like a true Queen.” Lenny said adding the finishing touches to my make-up and stepping from in front of the mirror so that I may see myself.
Gianni busted through the doors again in merrily skips across the room.
“The dress is here, the dress is here.” He sang till he got to me and dramatically gasped once he had focused. “Gorgeous!” he said, “absolutely spectacular. Wow Lenny, you really know what you’re doing.” He said. Lenny rolled his eyes and gave him a quick smirk.
“Oh hush Gianni, my hair is still in rollers for Christ sake.” I said rising from the chair, a little annoyed the Gianni had ruined our moment. I stood and face Lenny grasping his hands, he smiled at me. “Thank you.” I said, “And you’ll think about it?”
“Of course.” He said kissing me on both cheeks. “I’ll see you out there.” He said as I exited the room.
I stood in front of the mirror staring longingly. The dress was an ivory white lace with rows of beaded pearls looped around my body. Sweet heart neckline and long draping lace tail. No veil, just a white rose headband decorating my cascading curls. Lenny was sure to finish it off with a dark plum lipstick, my favorite. It was truly perfect, everything was done so well, and I was so grateful. By now the house was mostly empty for everyone had been placed and seated at the wedding just in our back yard. I made my way down the stairs and there stood Ezra dressed lavishly in an all-black tuxedo, including his bow tie and dress shirt underneath, ready to walk me to the aisle. I would be walking down the aisle by myself but somehow Ezra waling me to the aisle still felt sentimental in some way. After all Ezra was older than me and has been protecting me for the past few years, and would continue to protect me and my family for a very long time. He was as close to a father figure I could get and I was also very grateful.
“Perfect.” He said as I reached him at the bottom of the steps. He said it breathlessly yet confident. I centered his bow tie and brushed off some fly away dust and lint of his shoulders.
“Ready?” I said, feeling a little choked up.
“Well I’m a little nervous, but I think I can manage.” He said, which made me laugh and calmed my nerves. I was appreciative of the fact that he mostly always knew what to say. “Shall we?” he said sticking his arm out and gesturing in front of him.
“We shall.” I said taking his arm and we made our way through the back door of the house where the two big white tents (one for the ceremony and one for the reception) stood in the still wind. We walked towards the one to the left, my hand started to get a little clammy and I grabbed ahold of Ezra hand, who didn’t flinch when I squeezed tightly. I was in decorative sandals. For fear of getting entangled in the long dress, falling and hurting the baby, but even so it felt as if I was walking on stilts. As if the ground beneath me was not to be trusted and would fall any second with every step. Exra reached with his other hand and patted my hand softly
“We doing alright?” he asked, I reckon he could hear my heavy breathing and panting.
“I’m alive.” I said, which was all I could manage. I had no idea why I was nervous. I was already married to this man so it couldn’t have been cold feet. Maybe it was the fact that all these people would be watching, thousands from home on their TV sets, in other countries, sitting in their living rooms judging me, judging my every step, my every word, my every decision. Maybe it was because none of m family was here, I hadn’t even invited my own mother for fear of her judgments. Maybe it was because I was pregnant and I feared everyone would call me fat. Maybe it was cold feet, knowing that this was truly the seal of it all, the seal of my… and my child’s fate.
“Don’t go blue on me. “ Ezra said pulling me out of space. “Just breathe, everything is perfect, I promise.” We were now at the opening of the tent and Ezra had whispered something into a Bluetooth.
“How can you promise something like that?” I asked facing Ezra. Gianni had cued the music, ‘Here Comes the Bride’ played out by some harmonious harps and violins.
“Because I made sure of it.” He said with a reassuring smile, and even through all the past events, I still trusted Ezra. I trusted that he would always do what was right for my family and I. Even if they were hard decisions, or decisions he didn’t like, he would do them for his love and respect for us. For his love and respect for Sam, and that, that is what gave me hope for everyone else. That if they loved, respected, and trusted Sam as much as Ezra did, Sam would do whatever he could to protect them, and in that moment, I had never been so sure of myself. The curtains open and Ezra bowed out and I turned to face hundreds of people who had stood and turned to face me, but I did not see him. Down what seemed like a very long aisle was the man that I loved, and with the light gleaming against his face, I could see a tear. I began to walk down the aisle at an awkward pace trying to catch the beat of the music, and I had realized I had left my bouquet. I turned and noticed the camera man to the right of me, I looked to Gianni who was sweating bullets in panic, and that had me laughing. I turned to the crowd, shrugged, and pulled one of the white flowers that was stuffed in a bouquet attached to the benches that paved the aisle. I went to the next bench to the left of me and pulled another flower. People began to catch on to this and pulled the flower for me as I walked down the aisle, grabbing the flowers smiling and nodding. By the time I had reached Sam and the judge, I had had my own full bouquet picked from the members of our ceremony. I turned to hand the flowers to Myra who was standing close by in an all-back romper, with a haltered top and flowing bottoms, she looked beautiful. I remember I was with her when she picked it out. I took a few steps to Sam who was crying and laughing all in the same breath. I used my hand to wipe his tears which he grabbed and kissed delicately. I could feel the heat of the lights, the cameras, the watching eyes but none of that mattered to me.
“You may all be seated.” Spoke Judge Anthony. “I have known these too for a very long time…” Began Anthony who spoke a lot about his love for us, his friendship with Sam, and our leadership and dedication to the country. It was propaganda as much as it was a sermon, but this was something I had expected. Sam and I locked eyes the entire time and every now and again a tear would fall from his eye and he would mouth ‘you are perfect’ and ‘I love you’ every time. “Now the couple has vows that they would like to share with one another.” Judge Anthony said and I almost missed it. Sam turned to a now standing Ezra who handed him rolled up piece of parchment. That was just like Sam to write his vows on some extravagant paper, I began to feel embarrassed about my folded post-it notes that Myra would soon hand to me. Sam unrolled the piece of parchment paper, cleared his throat and acted as if he were going to begin. Then he stopped, lifted his head to look at me, rolled up the paper and handed it back to Ezra.
“I haven’t always been the best husband…” He started, his voice rang through the speakers placed around the tent as he spoke through the small microphone placed before us. “I haven’t always been the best man…” He said, chuckling a little. A camera man kneeled down before us to get a close up of each of our faces. “I have done and said things in this life that I never thought that I would do, and marrying you is one of them, and hurting you happens to be another. Every morning I am amazed that you choose to stay by my side, after everything I’ve done, and I remind myself that no one is more undeserving of your love than I am. But then I hope…” he said and paused. “I hope that one day I could grow to be half the man that you deserve.” He said his eyes swelling with water once again. “I live, breathe, and smile for you, Rose.” I looked down to allow a tear to escape from my eyes. “And I will continue to do so until I die.” He said kissing the palms of my hands one by one. I took a sharp inhale and turned to Myra for my maniacally scribbled vows on bright blue, purple, and orange post-it papers. My hands were shaking as I tried to piece my words and thoughts together; I cleared my throat.
“Sammy,” I said, my voice came out weak and broken. “It feels like just yesterday I was standing at a Las Vegas altar ready to marry the love of my life.” I started my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t read the notes so I just put them down and took a deep breath. “I remember being so nervous because against everyone else’s ‘better judgement’ …and I know you would do whatever it takes to protect this country, to protect me, and to protect your unborn child.” I place my hand over my stomach and the crowd broke out in applause and everyone was truly stunned.
“Wow, and after that I believe there is nothing else to say.” Said judge Anthony with a smile spread wide across his face. “By the power vested in me by the country of Great California, I know pronounce you man and wife, king and queen, you may now kiss the bride!” He said and shouted to the crowd whom again broke out into applause. Sam and I concealed it all with a kiss and the traditional wedding music began to play as we started down the aisle, Myra handing me my make shift bouquet of flowers. The camera man stumbled quickly before us, marching down the aisle, rose petals thrown by the crowd raining elegantly down upon us.
After we exited the tent I was rushed quickly back to the house for an outfit change, as guests were escorted to the other tent for the reception. Lenny and Myra arrived to my changing room quickly after I had arrived. I was in the midst of changing into a quite conservative, silk, halter top, white dress.
“Quite the turn out!” Lenny said excitedly, kissing me on my cheek. “Great idea with the bouquet!” He added.
“Can you believe I left it?!” I said outraged, finally taking that mistake in. I turned so that Myra could tie my dress in the back. Lenny rushed me to a chair and began his magic on my hair, pulling it back into an elegant bun. I sat in the chair quietly replaying my wedding in my head. Lenny finished my look by placing these huge diamond earrings on me, which reminded me of chandeliers.
“You’re nervous?” Lenny asked noticing how quiet I was.
“Yea, a little.” I said.
“You’re perfect, he loves you, they love you, and you love them. You’ll be great.” Lenny said reassuring me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Everything is ready ma’am.” Myra said.
“Ok,” I sighed deeply standing and brushing off my dress. “Wish me luck.” I said. I was escorted to the back door where Sam stood awaiting me patiently.
“Wow.” He said, looking me over as I placed my hands in his. I leaned in kissing him on the cheek. He smiled at me half-heartedly and I could see there were questions he wanted to ask, things he needed to say. It had been days since we talked and we hadn’t really talked or resolved anything. “I just…”
“My king,” Interrupted Ezra appearing from whatever quiet place he was standing in. “My queen, they’re ready for you.” Ezra said gesturing towards the reception tent.
“Of course.” Sam said a little discouraged. I leaned and to kiss him again this time on his lips and gave a smile of encouragement. He half smiled again and held out his arm. We entered the tent and the guests stood, cheered and applauded loudly. Sam and I walked down a long path to the dance floor where we would present our first dance, well second dance, as man and wife, king and queen. A thin woman by the name of Esmerelda Lopez began Norah Jones’ Love Me Tender in a sweet and sultry voice. The band slowly joined in, while Sam and I began to sway across the floor.
“Did you mean it?” Sam whispered in my ear. I leaned back a little to look at Sam confused as to what he was talking about. “Everything you said in there? Loving me more now, all the crap they told you to say about me. Did you mean it? Not the stuff about me being a good man, but the love part…” He finished quietly. I could tell he didn’t really want to ask these questions, and I was honestly quite surprised he would chose to ask them now. In front of all these people, maybe he hoped that would have an effect on my answer.
“I do love you Sam.” I said, which was true, for the most part. Sam was the love of my life and the father of my child. I loved him and there was not much of anything that could change that. “But sometimes love isn’t enough.” I added, which I felt needed to be added because I couldn’t let Sam think that everything was ok, that he could just do these things and it have no effect on my trust for him.
“Promise me something?” He asked, leaning back again to look me in the eyes.
“Anything.” I said, holding his eyes as we still continued to sway across the dance floor, amused by the fact that we hadn’t missed a beat.
“Promise me you will always be the light in the dark. I’ll admit I’ve lost my way here,” he said looking away this time. “I know I’m not the same man I was before, and I think a huge part of my lover for you.” He said turning back to me. “Is that you’re the best part of me. You turn my wrongs into rights, my shade into sun, my evil to good, it’s always been you. Promise me you harden because I have.” And as the song was ending I pulled Sam’s head down to mine and kissed him on the forehead.
“I promise.” I whispered and the crowd stood to cheer for us one more time. We were then escorted to our table, a long table in the front of the room that faced the rest of the guests. That night was much of a blur. We ate, barley, Gianni had us make rounds to tables, thanking them for coming, hearing out their congratulations. Sam was quiet and so was I, we were not our usual selves, and that in itself was unusual, and I could tell people were noticing. At one point of the night I more so shut off, and allowed Sam to tackle all the thank you’s and congrats he could before he to gestured to Gianni to wrap it up. Gianni was able to use my pregnancy for the reason behind my fatigue. Sam and I’m sure Ezra, escorted me back to the house. Once upstairs Sam unbuttoned my dress, I let it fall to the floor, dragging myself, naked and cold, to peer out of the window. I could feel Sam’s confusion about where he stood with me at that moment and he began to retreat to the guest room.
“Sam.” I said, “It our honeymoon, you can stay.” I turned around to face him. “You should stay.” I smiled. He closed the door, peeled of his tuxedo, and I turned back to the window. He came to me, holding me from behind, kissing my neck and shoulders. I turned to him pressing my mouth into his, as he ran his fingers through my hair pushing me closer to him. He grabbed my legs and lifted me, his mouth never leaving mine, pressing me into the wall perpendicular to the window and I watched. I watched people leaving our wedding as Sam pushed himself into me repeatedly. Everyone looked so happy, so satisfied with the evening, proud to have a king and queen so in love.
As I squeezed my eyes shut I wondered if we were making love in satisfaction, or were we fucking each other out of resentment.