You Can't Push It Underground

“Can I be honest with you, dude?” Brendon asks.

“Well that depends on what it is you want to be honest about,” Gerard replies.

“Can we, maybe, go outside? It’s loud in here,” Brendon says.

“Don’t you have a date?”

“Well I have a Ryan, if you want to call him a date then sure he’s a date, but he’s just Ryan. I say ‘just’ which sounds a little offensive, but you don’t know him, he’s a fucking weirdo. He’s hanging out with Frank right now anyway, I just want to talk where I can actually hear myself think,” he answers.

Gerard shrugs, but nods, and follows Brendon to walk out of the house. He guides Gerard out the backdoor, and then onto the steps behind it, where Frank’s backyard consists of overgrown grass, and not much else.

“What’s up?” Gerard asks.

“I’m so petrified of losing Frank,” he says.

“What do you mean?” Gerard asks.

“I mean that I’m afraid of losing ahold on him. I think he’s lost some of his marbles, and I think it’s my fault,” Brendon says.

“How is it your fault?”

“The pressure, I suppose. He’s just so bewildered by this whole concept and it’s freaking him the fuck out, and it’s my fault. I should’ve just let him be, and take his own path, but I didn’t. I pushed him along this one, and I don’t know if it was the right thing to do.”

“Are you saying you don’t think he’s right for, what, like, falling in love?” Gerard asks.

“I think that I think he is, but what if I’m wrong, and he loses himself. He’s my best friend. I don’t want to change him necessarily, and I’m nervous that I’m going to do that, and I would hate myself if I made him miserable,” Brendon states, “What if I suffocate him?”

“What if it ends up being good for him?”

“What if it doesn’t? I believe I’m doing the right thing, but I know that I know nothing, so what if I’m wrong? What if I fuck everything up, I’ll never forgive myself.”

“What you’re talking about is just finding him a boyfriend, how could that ruin him?” Gerard asks.

“Well he’s so foreign to the concept. I think a lot of me is especially terrified of choosing the wrong guy, and making him hate me. What if I find him a guy that ends up being such a bad fit? What if I completely ruin his life? He’s so new to this, what if I find him someone bad? Someone who takes advantage of the fact that Frank has no idea what he’s doing?”

“You think Frank’s gullible enough to think someone has any possession over him?” Gerard asks skeptically.

“Well if you didn’t know what you were getting into, Gerard, how would you know? How is he supposed to know? It’s not like there’s a school you can just go to that will show you how to be with someone, and show you how you’re supposed to be treated. You never really think about it, but it’s not something you’re born knowing, it’s something you learn. Something you pick up along the way, and Frank’s done no picking up. I’m not saying it’s likely, I’m saying it’s possible. If he dives into it headfirst, than I think there’s every possibility that he could be stepped all over. If he is, then that’s my fault,” Brendon says.

“Well then just make sure that whoever you find is a really good person,” Gerard says. “Be careful with the selection process.”

“You have no idea how picky he is though. I want someone who’s going to be good to him, but he doesn’t like being coddled, so it’s like trying to find a balance between these two completely opposing things. Someone nice, but not too nice. Really, what I need is to clone Frank, and then he’ll have his perfect soul mate.”

“Well,” Gerard gulps, because he feels so out of place in this conversation, “I mean, he’s out there. The guy for Frank.”

“Nowhere near here though,” Brendon says.

“Maybe he’s really close. Like maybe, he’s in there right now,” Gerard says pointing to the house behind him.

“Yeah, I doubt it,” Brendon says.

“Well, and I’ll have you know that I’ll murder you if you ever tell anyone I said this, but maybe it’s me.”

“Maybe what’s you?”

“I like him. I don’t know why, because he’s kind of a dickhead, but I like him,” Gerard says.

“You’re just saying that,” Brendon brushes him off.

“I mean I think I like him. He’s kind of, I don’t know-”

“Insane.”

“I was gonna say endearing. It makes me want to get to know him. I know I barely know him, but... you ever get a gut feeling like you’re supposed to do something?”

“I usually call that the stomach flu,” Brendon replies.

“No, I’m trying to be serious. I can see why Frank likes you, you have the same sense of humor,” Gerard says, “I just feel really strange around him. Strange because I feel kind of comfortable around him, but I also feel nervous that I feel comfortable around him. I also feel really guilty because I judged him, and I shouldn’t have. He’s really nice.”

“Yeah, you’d be surprised. What Frank does isn’t who he is. He’s a little senile, but he’s really honest.”

“God I feel like a teenager. Talking about the guy I like and all that shit,” Gerard says, shaking his head and smiling.

“So you like him,” Brendon states, glad that he wasn’t just delusional about that. He had been pretty sure, but it’s nice to hear Gerard say it.

“I do, actually. You’re not going to tell him, right?” Gerard asks.

“Not in so many words. You have to realize that he’s not going to go for it unless he’s pretty confident that he knows what he’s doing. I’ll have to give him a few hints, but I won’t tell him,” Brendon says. “If anyone is going to be good for him though, I think it’s you, Gerard.”

“Wow, should I feel complemented?”

“I’d say so. I’m basically telling you that I think you can tame a fucking T-Rex. I pity you, but I trust you,” Brendon says.

“So he likes me back then?” Gerard asks.

Brendon snorts, “I don’t know how to answer that. He thinks he’s caught the plague or something, because he doesn’t understand the difference between the Black Death and a crush. He, honestly, is a fucking idiot. Stupidest human being I have ever met. He’s actually really smart, but he’s such a nimrod.”

“So he doesn’t like me,” Gerard asks.

“No, he does. He doesn’t think he does, or he’s going to try to convince himself that he doesn’t, but he does. Honestly, right now, Frank is practically trying to convince himself that gravity isn’t real,” Brendon says. “I really shouldn’t say that, because I’m giving you way too much insight, and you don’t want me to tell him that you like him, so the scale is really tipped on your end, but oh well. Too late now, and you seem much more logical than Frank so you’ll probably use that information better than he would.”

“This is such a strange thing to talk about though. I don’t know what to do. I never take charge, I usually let other people do that for me,” Gerard says.

“Well that’s something that Frank will like about you,” Brendon says offhandedly, “just ask him out or something.”

“Should I? Really?”

“Listen bro, I would not be sitting here talking to you right now, spilling my guts about my fear of losing Frank, if I did not think you were good for him.”

“Wait, did you play me?” Gerard asks. Brendon chuckles, because it took the guy far too long to catch on.

“Like a fiddle,” Brendon says, “easier than I thought it would be, but you opened up, man. The sentiment is still there, you like Frank, I just had to tease it out of you. Just so you know though, if it was that easy to get you to admit you liked Frank, than you would crack under investigation in five minutes flat, so never commit a crime.”

“I...” Gerard says, trying to figure out how he walked into that so easily, but he just sighs, “Okay. Well it was true, what I said.”

“I know, and now you can make the decision to go for it, or rot forever thinking about the ‘what if.’”

“Well what if you’re wrong about Frank?”

“I’m never wrong about Frank. I read that boy like a book. Actually more of an audiobook, I don’t even need to exert any effort to read him.”

“You’re a little arrogant,” Gerard says.

“You call it arrogance, I call it confidence.”

“But the mere definition of arrogance is being overly filled with confidence,” Gerard points out.

“Specifics,” He says waving a hand, “now get back in there, Gerard, and woo that son of a bitch like there’s no tomorrow.”

“Woo?”

“Yeah, I said woo,” Brendon says, “Why does everyone keep calling out my terms? First smitten now woo, what am I supposed to say?”

“Smitten?” Gerard repeats judgmentally.

“Fucking hell! If it bothers people that much, I will buy a fucking thesaurus,” he says, and Gerard laughs at the stupidly serious look on Brendon’s face. It actually looks like he’s genuinely bothered by people insulting his word choice.

“Don’t look at me like that!” Brendon says, “Fine. Go in there and charm Frank. Ugh, I hate that, there’s not as much color in that word.”

Gerard turns and goes back into the house, while Brendon grumbles to himself.