You Can't Push It Underground

“How do I look?”

“Like a horse,” Brendon replies.

“Dude, seriously,” Frank narrows his eyes, “how do I look. I feel like I look like I’m trying too hard. Should I dress down, or dress up? Do I need a different shirt? I need a different shirt don’t I? Oh god, I look stupid.”

“Frank, you look fine. I mean, your hair is a mess, and there’s not enough time to fix your ugly-ass face, but you look fine.”

“Fine? But I want to look good. I don’t want to be adequate. I want to be hot,” Frank says.

“Well like I said, your hair is a disaster,” Brendon answers.

“Well what do I do with it? What am I supposed to do with my hair?”

“It looks too formal, mess it up a little bit,” Brendon says. Frank shrugs, and then runs a hand through his hair. He turns to look at Brendon with a questioning look in his eye, and Brendon nods approvingly.

“Okay, good. Now have you thought about what you’re going to talk about?” Brendon questions.

“No! I haven’t had time to prepare,” he says, and falls back on his bed like he’s given hope already. Brendon just frowns and rolls his eyes at him.

“You are an idiot. Find common links, dumbass. Pretend you’re just meeting a friend. Pretend he’s just me, but obviously he’s not as handsome and enthralling. Do try to act a little bit less like a douchebag with him than you do with me. Try not to call him a dickhead, or an ass-hat, or things like that, he probably wouldn’t appreciate it.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be myself though? I am a douchebag, Brendon. That’s what makes me so likeable and stimulating,” Frank says to the ceiling.

“Well be yourself, but it’s okay to tone down the insults for a few hours. You think he’s cute right, try to avoid saying things like ‘you’re hot,’ and please for the sake of god, don’t bring up his sex appeal. Also steer clear of talking about his sex life. Compliment his personality, and if you have to tell him that you like the way he looks, keep it above the shoulders. Tell him he’s got a nice smile, or pretty eyes, do not say he has a nice ass.”

“But he does have a nice ass,” Frank replies.

“He probably knows that,” Brendon answers, trying to reason with himself that the date isn’t going to go as bad as he thinks it will.

“It’s so generic to say that he has nice eyes though,” Frank groans, “what else?”

“Well his laugh for instance. If he’s got a good laugh, tell him. The point is to make them personal compliments, not somatic or hollow. Personality is really the best way to go. Funny, sweet, talented, smart, honest, that’s what people really like being complimented on.”

“Am I hopeless?” Frank asks.

“Yes,” Brendon replies, and then Frank groans. “Relax, Frank. I’m kidding. You will do fine, I know you will.”

“What do I do if things go awry?”

“How so?”

“Well,” Frank considers, “what if I accidentally insult him, or what if I judge him? What if he brings up the coffee shop thing? What if he brings up my sex life?”

“I doubt you’ll run into that problem, but if you do have an issue like that, then try to change the subject. If it gets really really really bad, then you call me, but only as a last resort. Just excuse yourself to the bathroom and call me if you absolutely have to.”

“Okay so what’s taboo? What do I not talk about?” Frank asks.

“Religion and politics are best to avoid unless you’re fairly sure you’re on the same page there. Don’t ask him about his ex, but if he talks about his ex, then go along with it. If he talks about how they broke up, or why they were incompatible, then you should take Gerard’s side on whatever disagreements the two of them may have had,” Brendon says.

“And what should I focus on?”

“Childhood is always a good place to start. Work can be fruitful. Movies, books, music, TV, and things like that are good. If you have to, you can even debate about the moral implications of being a Death Eater. It doesn’t matter, just find common ground, and make him laugh.”

“What would I even do without you?” Frank says, pulling himself up to have his feet hang off the bed in a sitting position.

“Well for one thing you probably would’ve saved a whole bunch of money on Skittles.”

“That’s true,” Frank agrees.

“But you would be ultimately worse off, and might have accidentally electrocuted yourself.”

“I’m not the one who broke that toaster,” Frank says.

“No, but you were the one who thought putting it in the sink would be a good idea.”

“That was two fucking years ago! Can you let it go already?”

“You still bring up the Bed, Bath and Beyond incident, Frank,” Brendon answers.

“How could I not bring up the Bed, Bath and Beyond incident?” Frank replies.

“And you wonder why I make fun of you around electrical cords?”

“Go fuck yourself,” Frank retorts.

“That is an example of something you should avoid saying to Gerard.”

“But other than that, I am ready right?” Frank asks, pulling himself back up onto his feet.

“Honestly?” Brendon squints his eyes.

“Oh god, I’m not am I?”

Brendon rolls his eyes, “Actually I was going to say that I think you are, Frank. I think you’ve got this. Remember though that this isn’t the end of the world, if it goes bad, it’s just one date. Proposition to Gerard that this be your actual first date, and forget about the real one. You can do it though, I know it.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Frank says, smiling.

“You really think so little of me,” Brendon says shaking his head at Frank.

“But I still wuv you Bwendon,” Frank says dotingly.

Brendon shakes his head, “another example of something not to say to Gerard.”

“And what if we repeat date one?”

Brendon sighs, but he cannot even believe how worried Frank is. It’s endearing, really it is. It shows that Frank has a soul and a conscience that may not always see the light of day, but are buried under his thick skin anyway. His heart’s there, it might need to grow three sizes so that he can lose the greenish color now stuck to his nervously pale face, but it’s there all the same.

“Well you got over that one didn’t you? You can always do it again, and Gerard isn’t the only man on earth, you know. I like Gerard, or at least I approve of him, but that doesn’t mean he’s the only guy in the world.”

“Yeah, but he’s the only guy in the world who I want to go on a date with. You can’t just pick me up any other guy, as we’ve proved, because I just end up sleeping with them and ruining any chance I may have at a relationship,” Frank says.

“But please try to remember that Gerard was the closest I got anyway, a little more digging I could find someone else, someone similar. You want someone nice, but not someone who’s so sweet that they melt in the rain. That’s why you and Patrick didn’t quite work. Gerard is a good fit, but that doesn’t mean he’s the only person in the world who would be willing to go out with you.”

“Yeah, but you’re wrong about that. You can’t find anyone like Gerard. Not anyone even similar to him. Gerard is really special, Brendon.”

“That may have been the most human thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“Oh shit really? Did I accidentally say something profound and insightful that refutes the nature of my dark and flakey soul? Gerard is a dick. There, better?”

“It’s not always a bad thing to be nice, Frank.”

“No, but it makes it easier for people to walk all over you,” Frank says offhandedly, but Brendon can’t help himself from thinking that there is definitely something behind those words. He’s not sure what, and he’s not invasive enough to ask directly, but it sounds like Frank might have a deep-seated story there.

If there’s something there, Brendon can’t be sure, but he forgets to consider it a moment later, because Frank’s nervous energy is contagious. Part of Brendon and even Frank, feel like this may very well be the biggest date of anyone’s life. It’s scary to think it might not work out, but there’s also that strange energy telling them that it really will.